The next morning, you are the first to wake. You didn't want to be cooped up in your room, that would only stress you out more, so you decided it was a good time to do some exploring. The palace and its grounds were massive and it would take up most of your time. Besides, it would be a good distraction. You open up the doors to the balcony, allowing the room to air out and let in the refreshing breeze. After digging through the closet for a little while, you settle on a gorgeous white ruffled gown embroidered with yellow roses and sheer, puffy sleeves. A silver glisten on your dresser catches your eye and you freeze in your tracks, your heart sinking at the sight of the butterfly necklace Kylo had returned to you on Coruscant.

You gingerly scoop it up, cradling it in the palm of your hand and running your thumb over the delicate pendant. Did you really want to make up with Kylo? You swallow the lump in your throat at the memory of what you had told him last night. Did you want to? Not yet, but you did want to make some things clear with him. You pick up the front of your dress and burst out of your room. Even if he wasn't awake yet, it was worth a try. Your heels click against the marble, echoing through the silence of the palace as you run towards his room. You stumble up the stairs and come to a screeching halt at the corner at the sound of the handmaidens' voices outside of his door.

"Did you deliver the Supreme Leader's breakfast?" One asks.

"He's not in there. When I looked inside, the bed wasn't even slept in. I don't think he slept in his room." The other replies and adds with a giggle. "You know him and Queen Syala. They probably slept together again."

Your heart drops and it felt as though you were frozen in place. The handmaidens shuffle down the hallway, giggling and gossiping and completely absent to your heartbreak. Your fist tightens around the necklace. You had told him to just fuck Syala. What if he had? He had done it before with his secretary. What was stopping him now? You storm up to his door through a blur of tears and fling the necklace on the floor, kicking it roughly under the door. You hear it skitter across the tiles as it slides into his room. With a choked-up sob, you cover your mouth and rush down the stairs, only wanting to get as far away from the palace as possible.

You had no clue where you were going or how this was going to end for you, but you didn't care. As you push past a pair of wooden and glass double doors, you find yourself at the edge of the sprawling castle gardens. It was a sea of green and colorful flowers all around that grew with set boundaries and were undisturbed by a single weed.

You wipe away your tears with the back of your hand and step onto the gravel, your gown just barely skimming over it and pushing the grey pebbles aside. Neatly trimmed, green hedges flank the paths as they branch off in dozens of directions. Thin streams ran in between colorful flower beds and those pathways, each running into a small pond. Stone benches line the edges of the water or sit beside bigger flower beds.

It was an endless abyss of mythical beauty that you didn't mind getting lost in. The sun was warm upon your head, but the gentle breeze brought cool streams that made it nearly perfect. Rays of light shine onto the ponds and streams, causing them to glitter and shine. The entire garden seemed to just glow around you. If this place wasn't now a semblance of hate for you, you would want to stay forever.

It made you forget about the First Order, your duties, and the ever-growing war around you. Why you couldn't pluck up the strength to leave it all behind was beyond you. Everything was so peaceful and surreal that it made your skin crawl at the thought of returning to the dark coldness of the Supremacy. You felt as though you were a princess in a beautifully told fairytale. But this was no fairy-tale and your life wasn't promising you happy, storybook endings.

As you round yet another corner of high green hedges, you come across a massive pond. It seemed to be the very center of the garden and all paths ran to it. It was surrounded by a brick-laid path and benches separated by potted plants. Low hedges backed the small yellow and white flowers carefully planted in each bed. You carefully shift your dress to sit down on one of the benches, staring out over the water.

It was tinted blue-green and shone brightly in the sun. The surface was flecked with lily-pads and small stepping stones in perfect lines. A tall statue of a former queen rose out of the water on a stone pedestal in the very center of it all, as if its very purpose was to be a guardian to this garden. On the base of the pedestal, a single word was engraved into the side.

Escape.

Escape. That's what you wished you could do now. Your eyes sink shut and you take a deep breath, settling your hands in your satin-ruffled lap. With every breath you take, you try to focus more on the sounds around you. The gentle brushing and scratching of flowers rubbing together every time the breeze came around. Water from the pond lapping gently against the base of the ornamental statue and the edges of the paths. Birds singing in the distant trees and the chirping of insects beneath the bushes to escape from the sun. Every inhale brought with it the sweet scent of flowers that was somehow not overbearing. When your eyes open, they strain for a second to readjust to the brilliant rays of sunlight.

You slowly rise to your feet, the gravel crunching underneath your heels as you carefully tread through more of the gardens to explore them. Every turn and path was more different and enchanting than the last. One would be lined with arched hedges and the next would be a covered trellis with creeping daisies and vines. One path even required you to remove your heels, bunch up your dress, and jump from stone to stone over a shallow pond. You wanted to explore all day and you would if nobody called you back.

Why would anyone call you back? It was clear that you weren't important. You feel your throat swell and quickly try to dismiss the feelings of neglect and self-doubt. You were trying to escape that and all you could do was think about it. You swallow thickly, mind wandering to Kylo. Hopefully he was happy even if he was with Syala. If he didn't care, so be it. There was nothing you could do now.

All you wanted to do was sort through your feelings. There was a hurricane growing inside of you and it was wreaking havoc. Despite your pressing silence, your heart was screaming within the confines of your corset. It was screaming at you, at Syala, and especially at Kylo. Did you hate him? No. What he was doing to you this time didn't qualify him for your hatred. But what about what he did in the future? The man you so dearly adored was highly unpredictable and unreadable. He needed to sort through his feelings just as much as you did. Perhaps what you needed was a break. At least until he plucked up the courage to tell you what he felt.

With a heavy sigh, you find yourself at the edge of the gardens. They were now getting overshadowed by the massive palace blocking out most of the light. You slowly walk along the edges, stooping down once in a while to admire some of the flowers you had never seen before. Even if the gardens were at an end, there was still more to explore for you. You just had to take your time now. Every time you managed to ignore your stirring feelings, you got lost in your own world, making you completely oblivious to the woman watching from above.

Syala leans against the thick railings of her balcony from her room in one of the towers. She crosses her arms, keeping the morning air from blowing through her robe. Her eyes roam over her beautiful gardens, her heart swelling at the sight of them. No matter how many times she saw them, she was still enchanted. Other than her gems and her palace, her planet was her next pride and joy. Sarka had been called the 'gem of the sky' before and it was for a good reason. Even the rain was said to have been made of gold. Everything was perfect and in its rightful place. There was only one thing different in her garden now; a girl wandering around at the edge in an eye-catching white dress.

"Isn't it just perfect?" Syala sighs softly, gazing out over the fountains and rows of flowers.

Kylo Ren approaches the balcony from behind her, leaning forward against the railings. Truthfully he never really stopped to appreciate the beauty of a planet. It was always focus, focus, focus. He was given no time off and even when he was, it usually got cut short. Just like on Coruscant. He wouldn't admit to it, but he felt guilty about pulling you away from a short trip that both of you had rightfully earned.

At first Kylo believed that a trip to Sarka was just what you both needed but now it was getting torn apart by another argument over something foolish. He didn't think you were foolish, but everything about this situation was. Nothing ever seemed to go right between you two. He had been doubting himself and the relationship between the both of you for a long time now, but what you had said last night to him utterly shattered his hopes.

"Yes." Kylo replies stiffly. His eyes lower and finally rest on you, causing his breath to catch in his throat. He closely observes you as you bend down to pluck a flower free, your gown billowing in the breeze.

Syala follows his gaze and chuckles. "She really is something. She's the girl you told me about all those years ago, isn't she?" When Kylo nods, she smiles. "So I figured. It really is good to have you back, Kylo Ren." Syala reaches out and places her hand over his.

He looks up and straightens out, swallowing as his lips press together. "I suppose I've missed this place.... and you..."

She smiles again and steps forward, planting her hands on his chest. Syala gently leans in, her lips grazing his delicately. She quietly closes the space between them, kissing him for one moment only for him to pull away the next.

Kylo shakes his head, taking another step back. "I can't."

"I understand." Syala peers over the edge of the balcony, looking down at you. "It's her... isn't it? That's why you can't do this. That's why you... you two fought last night." She runs a hand through her hair. "I'm sorry for eavesdropping. I suppose I always knew about your feelings for her and I was jealous. I'll admit to that. You and I were so close but-"

"Close people grow apart sometimes." Kylo gestures towards you.

She scoffs softly. "No. You and her are still close. You know, she's right about you. You're a completely different person every second. The moment you leave this place, you're going to go back to being cold and distant. You put on a mask for everyone because you think they all expect you to be a certain way. Although you might have to do that for your people, she's different. She's not 'your people.' She cares about you. All she wants is the truth."

"If she cared-" Kylo pulls the necklace from his pocket "-then why was this on my floor when I walked into my room the next morning?"

"Did you not sleep?" Syala furrows her brow. When he doesn't respond, she laughs lightly. "I guess you've got it worse than I thought."

Kylo frowns. "Got what?"

"Once again, you don't know what to feel. Go down there and tell her before I do it for you." Syala gestures towards you. "Go."

"She doesn't want me."

"There's only one way to find out." She gives him a small push. "Now go!"

Clutching tightly onto your necklace, Kylo hurries from Syala's quarters. He rushes down the stairs and through the main hall, running in the direction of the garden doors. When he bursts through them, his heart sinks. You weren't there. Kylo grits his teeth and starts down the path that led to the front of the palace. He comes to a halt, the gravel crunching and tumbling beneath his feet, as he rounds the corner to find you leaning against the railing and looking out over the waterfall. Your loosely curled hair gently blows in the breeze, moving harmoniously with the layers of your dress.

"Butterfly."

You flinch at the nickname, but don't turn around to face him. He slowly approaches the railing beside you. Kylo bites his lower lip and holds out the necklace. You scoff softly at it, gently pushing his gloved hand aside. "Keep it. Maybe you can give it to Syala."

"Queen Syala doesn't mean anything to me." He says flatly, pushing the necklace back in your direction. "That's why I'm here with you and not her."

"Oh? And is that why I looked up and saw you kissing on the balcony? Funny. For a second there you sounded like you were telling the truth." You push away from the railing and turn to leave.

Kylo catches you tightly by the wrist, careful not to grab your sleeve instead. "She kissed me. I told her I couldn't do that with her. I couldn't do that to you."

"Cut the shit. I know you didn't sleep in your room. Were you getting cozy with her instead?" You scoff.

"I didn't sleep last night." Kylo admits. "I was up pacing."

You close your eyes. "Kylo... even if you are telling the truth, how can I expect anything from you? All of what I said to you last night was true. I can't deal with this for the rest of my life. Every time something happens I'm left to figure it out and piece together your emotions. I'm not responsible for your emotions because you can't figure them out yourself. You're two-faced and I can't.... I can't live like that."

"What are you saying?" His grip loosens.

"I'm saying I-" you take a shaky breath "-I'm thinking about leaving. Not just this planet and not just for a little while. I'm considering leaving the First Order and all of this behind."

"No." Kylo's chest begins to heave as you pull away. Anxiety and panic grips him, causing him to crumble before your eyes. "You can't do that. I-I won't let you. You can't just leave. We'll figure it out."

You shake your head sadly. "No, Kylo. I'll figure it out and that's the problem. We were just playing games for a while but these aren't games anymore. These are real emotions. Leaving sounds like our best option... and that's all I can do for us. I'm solving one last problem for us both."

He tries to grab you, but you slip through his grasp. "Please. Don't leave me. I can't lose you again."

"I'm sorry."

Kylo sinks to his knees. "I'll do whatever you want me to. Look. I-I'll get on my knees for you again if that's what it takes. Fuck. It can't end like this. Just look at me. Please."

"It can. It's better for us both." You approach him and gently cup his face. "You'll find someone who you can give everything to. Your emotions."

He grips your wrist again, tears welling in his eyes. This was one of the first times you had seen Kylo Ren so vulnerable. So broken. It made your heart ache. "I've given everything I have to you. All I know. You can't leave me. Please. Don't leave me like everybody else did."

"Kylo," you shake your head.

He holds onto you even tighter. "Tell me what I need to do to make it better."

You press your lips together and swallow to prevent the tears from slipping down your face. "I want to know how you feel. Then I'll reconsider."

His lips part and he couldn't seem to form words. Your heart sinks at the sight of Kylo unable to say anything. It made you lose hope all over again. He was completely frozen up, his saddened eyes scanning your face helplessly. You give him a weak smile and run your thumbs over the backs of his hands. "Good luck, Kylo."

Kylo watches helplessly as you pull away. Say it. Say it now or you lose her forever. Get over yourself and fucking say it. His heart was pounding in his rib-cage and the words seemed lodged in his throat. Every second he was delaying, you were getting further and further away. Say it! He rises to his feet. Coward!

You were slipping from his grasp. Every step you took made him weaker and weaker. No matter how hard he fought to tell you, the words he needed weren't spilling past his lips in the way they should have. And that told you all you needed to know. You felt as though he had stabbed you through the chest. Betrayal and sadness stung less than the realization that Kylo Ren would never give you all of him the way you had given him all of you. This emotional game needed to end, even if that required a short break.

Or a permanent one. Leaving the First Order was something that would restore your crumbling emotional and mental health. The amount of love you gave to Kylo would haunt you for the rest of your life, but if that meant both you and him were able to find peace somewhere else--with someone else--then you were willing to make that sacrifice. He was your greatest strength and your greatest weakness at the same time. Your uprising and your downfall. Ren was going to be the death of you and you couldn't bear to stick around to witness it.

In order to get your piece of mind, you had to escape this. Escaping from Kylo Ren felt like breaking off a piece of your heart. It was like a fox chewing its own leg off to escape a metal trap. It wasn't easy, but escaping often required sacrifices to be made. Until Ren was healed, he was never going to be able to give you his heart. Knowing that was what hurt the most deep down. All you wanted was to hear his voice calling after you, but it was replaced by silence.

Tears slip down your face as your lower lip trembles. You clasp your hand over your mouth, fighting back a sob. As the palace doors shut behind you, you hear a yell of frustration and the vicious roar of Kylo's lightsaber activating. You couldn't stay here but he could. He could be with Syala if she was what it took to get him to open up. It pained you to say this, but you would rather he loved someone else than not be able to show you.

Your heels click against the marble stairs as you ascend up the endless spiral. Upon finally reaching your room, you slip your feet out of the delicate white shoes. With a shudder, you unzip your dress and slip out of it, the beautiful fabric pooling at your feet. You didn't change back into your usual black robes. You couldn't. Those were attached to painful memories and a certain someone who had gifted them to you. Instead, you force yourself to search out the most simplistic item in the closet Syala had granted you. That turned out to be a pair of knee-high fabric boots, a short skirt, a thigh holster for a dagger, and a wrap long-sleeved top. All in black. You couldn't afford to stand out. The simplest cloak you could find was also black, but threaded with silver around the hem. It would have to do.