The past few weeks here had been full of unexpected surprises, both good and bad. Xian's death was a surprise, Kess's kindness was a surprise, and Ben faking his own death was certainly a surprise. You weren't sure your heart could take any more of this.

What you certainly weren't expecting was a visit from Kylo exactly two hours later. You were sitting on your bed, trying to escape your thoughts by reading, when who should come barging into your quarters? Kylo, of course. He was angry. Clearly the conversation you had had before wasn't sitting too well with him. Strangely, he couldn't really seem to walk in a straight line and his eyes weren't really focused. You rise from your bed immediately, meeting him halfway across the room as not to give him any ideas. Your arms cross tightly as you lean your weight onto one leg, looking up at him expectantly.

Kylo points a rather accusing gloved finger at you. "You know what your problem is?"

"Do tell." You roll your eyes.

"You just have to have things your way-" Kylo's words were slurring together and he couldn't seem to differentiate his thoughts "-wait no. You just can't let go of the past. Why-Why should it matter who I was to you back then, hm? You shouldn't care."

"No?" You raise your eyebrows, trying to contain your anger at least for the time being.

He hiccups. "No. You need to calm down because I'm doing this for you. For us, little Butterfly. You should just move on. Forgive and forget."

"Really?" You step closer to him, looking him dead in the eyes. "And you know what your problem is?" He hums in response. "You don't understand anything about feelings. How could you? You've been completely absent from your emotions for years now. You're just a cold shell of the person you were before. And now that you're faced with real issues, you run like a coward. You drink away your problems because you're too much of a pussy to face them."

Drunk or not, Kylo understood your words. The only difference was his unintelligible grumble because his brain couldn't seem to make sense of anything. "Pussy? Y-You don't mean that, pet. Come here." He takes a drunken step forward, reaching for you.

You swat his hand aside. "Don't touch me, you're drunk. Get out of here. You're pathetic. You hear me?"

His face falls and he scowls at you. "Whatever." Kylo turns his back to you and starts towards the door. He pauses at the frame, only to be shoved into the hallway full force by you, slamming into the opposite wall.

"And stay out!" You yell angrily before your door slides shut. Drunken bastard.

Sleep was impossible that night. You were tossing and turning for hours, just hoping to get even a little wink of sleep, but no such luck. Your mind was keeping you awake and you were starting to realize the sweet freedom of a good night's rest would never come. It felt as though no position on your bed was good enough. Even your blanket, which was usually light and comforting, felt heavy and scratchy. Your eyes would close, only to snap back open in frustration when the familiar feeling of tiredness never arrived.

A defeated groan of annoyance passes through your lips as you grab a fistful of your pillow to flip it over--as if that would help--practically slamming it down. With a small huff, you roll onto your back, blankly staring up through the shroud of darkness at your ceiling. It was deathly silent to a point where even that was uncomfortable. It was now that you noticed the faint, quiet hum coming from the Finalizer's engines. Were they always this noticeable? Surely not.

That's it. You sit up angrily and lean over, turning on the sleek lamp beside your bed. It pushes back the darkness with its rather dim light as you swing your legs over the edge of your bed. What was keeping you awake? That was an easy question: him. The very thought of him made your skin crawl. It was as though Ben Solo was back from the dead. The friend you knew in your heart was dead and gone for good was suddenly back in the form of Kylo Ren.

You had a right to be as angry as you were. You gave up everything when you heard that Ben supposedly died. It broke your heart and your spirit. You could no longer find the strength to carry on your training because everything reminded you of him. And then when you were finally finding freedom and happiness, Kylo Ren came to you. He had done so many things to you, only to reveal who he really was.

You couldn't believe Ben would do those things. It seemed almost impossible. You cross your arms tightly over your chest, pulling your knees close at the thought of it. Kylo Ren had been fucking you when he was really Ben the whole time. It was like he was a completely different person. Everything you knew was a lie. How could you trust him again? But there was something so magnetic about him. He was hard to get rid of. Perhaps it was just him or maybe it was the Force dyad you shared.

The Force. That was the other thing keeping you wide awake. The Force was a feeling that was indescribable and it couldn't be explained with words. There was no particular sensation when it was pumping through your veins at a heightened rate. It was just... there. Usually when it was awakening in such a way, it had something to do with the dyad. Well Kylo Ren wasn't magically appearing in front of you and you were alright other than your sleeplessness. That could only mean something was going on with him. You were getting drawn to him. Unusual, but you felt as though this was something you had to indulge.

Hesitantly and filled with uncertainty, you slip out of your quarters in your black nightgown--courtesy of Kylo Ren of course--and silently move down the corridor toward his room. Your bare feet press against the shiny black tiles, leaving behind footprints that slowly fade on the cool ground. The feeling was becoming more intense the closer and closer you got to his door. Your fingers hover over the panel to his room. If you went in now, there was no going back. With a heavy sigh, you enter the code to Kylo's room and step inside, wincing at the noise the door was making. Why did everything seem so much louder at night? To your surprise, there was hardly any light. The only source came from the lights built into the edges of the ceiling, but it was dim and didn't bother anyone trying to sleep. And there he was.

Kylo was in a deep sleep. A single glance at the table in his quarters told you enough; there was alcohol all over the surface. Of course he had gotten himself drunk again. He was sprawled out on his stomach with the blanket pulled up to his hips. He slept shirtless, giving you a view of his beauty-mark spattered back. Your breath hitches at the sight of the small scar just beneath his shoulder blade. You remembered the day that had happened. He pissed a fellow Padawan off and the boy came after him with a knife.

Ben had made such a fuss about the blood in his shirt. He had dramatized every second of it and was huffy when you were giggling throughout. You carefully move closer to the bed and your heart shatters at the sight of his face mashed against the pillow. He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping. It was at this moment, when there was no anger or sadness, that he looked like Ben again. The only difference was the black scar on his face. His dark hair was flopped in front of his closed eyes and one of his large hands had slid beneath the pillow. He looked content.

You frown; the Force was still calling to you. But why? Kylo was obviously asleep and nothing was wrong. What could be so urgent? You look back down at him and it hits you when his lips twitch slightly. He was dreaming. Could the Force be beckoning you for a dream? Whatever it was, it was worth a try. You slowly extend your hand toward his temple, your fingers just hovering over it. You take a deep breath and expand your Force energy towards him, focusing on the task you wanted to accomplish and the connection between you. Your eyes sink shut and your world goes dark.

When your eyes re-open, you were standing in grass that went up to your knees. The smell of ocean-air invades your nostrils and you know immediately where you are. You whirl around at the sound of familiar voices. Sure enough, the Jedi Temple stood behind you in all of its glory. Padawans duck out of their little huts, chattering happily as they make their way to their morning classes. This wasn't just a dream... This was a memory. Your heart stops at the sight of Ben exiting his hut. You hurry after him, but slow down once you notice that you weren't leaving any footprints behind. They weren't going to be able to see you. You weren't really there... at least not your current self. Not wanting to lose sight of Ben, you chase after him, knowing exactly where he was headed.

He was grinning from ear to ear with that stupid cheeky smile you used to love and hate at the same time. His deep dimples were flashing and so were his pearly-whites. A small section of his black hair had been braided and hung longer than the rest; the mark of a Padawan. It was strange seeing him in lightly-colored robes instead of midnight blacks and grays. Strange yet somewhat refreshing. Ben's honey-brown eyes glitter mischievously as he approaches what was once your hut. He slows down and begins to tread lightly, careful not to step on any rocks or make any noise. You bite your lip, hiding a grin as he slips into your hut. You hear your own shriek coming from inside.

"Ben!" Your younger-self scolds. "Get out of here before I throw you out by that rat-tail of a Padawan braid." You shove him outside.

Ben pouts playfully and leans against the door. "What, you don't like my braid? Yours isn't much better, Butterfly."

"Of course it's better," you reply indignantly. "And stop calling me that! If your uncle hears he's going to think... well..."

"What Luke doesn't know won't hurt him." Ben smirks and pokes his head through the doorway. You fling a towel at his face to scold him and he winks. "It's not like I haven't seen your body before, you know. You've got nothing to hide from me."

"It was one time and we both know it was a mistake. You said it yourself; we're better off as friends." You say crisply as you pass by him, now fully clothed. "Besides, we didn't do anything! You just happened to walk in on me."

Ben grabs you by the forearm and pulls you back towards him, pinning you against the wall of the outside of your hut. He leans in, his lips brushing your ear. "And if I liked what I saw?"

You push him away. "Then you wouldn't be able to do anything about it. You know the Jedi codes better than anyone. Besides, Master Skywalker is your uncle. He's going to be even stricter with you." When Ben grabs you again, you look up at him seriously. "I'm serious, Ben. We can't do this... I'm sorry..."

He releases you slowly, his smile faltering. "I-I understand. It's fine." Ben swallows and plants a fake smile on his face. "Come on, Butterfly, you're too damn slow for my liking."

Your face falls when you hear the bell marking the beginning of class ringing loudly. You punch Ben squarely in the shoulder for making you both late. With a laugh, you both take off running towards the Temple, knowing that this day was going to be filled with more step-scrubbing. Your heart pangs as you watch the younger version of yourself disappear into the Temple at Ben's side, your eyes glued to the place his hand was resting on your back as he ushers you inside.

When you turn around, you gasp in surprise, nearly running straight into a wall. It seemed as though the entire memory had shifted. It was now nighttime and the rain was pouring down from the inky darkness of the sky. All of the torches that usually lit up the Temple had gone out, plunging the island into night. Fortunately, the rain didn't seem to be affecting you. Your hair, skin, clothes, all dry. A soft sniffling sound catches your attention. It was then that you realize who's hut you were standing outside of. Your own. You suck in your breath sharply at the memories of this night. You quickly duck into the hut, staring at your younger form crying on the bed.

There were tears streaming down your face and your hands were trembling. You couldn't quite remember what it was you had been crying about that night, but you remembered the feeling of pain and the ache of sadness. You step aside when you hear heavy footsteps from right outside. Ben enters the hut cautiously, his gaze softening at the sight of you sobbing on the bed. He kneels down in front of you, taking your hands tightly in his.

"I'm sorry, Butterfly." He says tenderly. "He was making you upset. I couldn't just stand back and watch that happen. Come on... you can't blame me for this."

"I don't blame you," you sniffle, wiping your tears with your sleeve. "That's not what this is about." Ben's brow furrows and you take a breath. "I... I can't stand myself sometimes. I hate my body and I... I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone." With a quieter tone you add, "for you."

Ben chuckles. "Is that all? You don't have anything to prove to anyone. If it makes you feel any better.... you're beautiful to me."

You looked up and in a split-second, Ben's lips were attacking yours. He was on top of you in less time than that, but you didn't stop him. Ben tosses his robes onto the ground, his hands working to undo your own. He straddles you and pauses for a moment, looking down at your body in admiration and only utters one word. It was the word you would never forget the sound of as it left his lips.

"Perfect."

Your eyes snap open as you are thrown back into reality. Your shock melts into horror when you feel a large hand darting out to snatch up your wrist in a tight, unbreakable grasp. Kylo stares up at you furiously, his features twisted into a snarl of anger.

"You have no right being in those memories," he spits. "What the hell are you doing in here anyway? Don't you know it's wrong to sneak into someone's quarters when you're unwanted?"

"Don't you know it's wrong to feed someone lies and manipulate them?" You shoot back. "You, Ben Solo, haven't learned much."

You gasp as he yanks you toward him, his face inches away from yours. His breath smelled of mint toothpaste, but also of whiskey. Kylo's grip tightens. "Don't call me that."

"Then you shouldn't have the right to call me Butterfly."

"I can call you whatever I want. Don't test me, pet."

This time you scoff in his face. "Oh please. Don't even go there! I'm not your little pet. I don't belong to you! I let it slip when I thought you were just Kylo Ren, but what you're expecting of me is impossible. I can't just pretend everything can go back to normal. It won't. You and I both know that."

His lips curve. "We'll see. You'll melt like putty in my hands."

"Get off of me, you jerk!" You snap as you attempt to peel his fingers off. "Let go! P-Please..." your let out an involuntary whimper.

Kylo releases you at once. He sits up and closes his eyes, sighing as he runs a hand through his hair. "What am I supposed to do to make you understand? I know what I did was wrong. I get to live with that every day of my life. Just... accept this." He hesitates, his lips twitching. "Please."

The word sounded so foreign coming from him. You cross your arms, biting your lower lip. "I can't just move on that easily. What you did to me was... cruel. It's going to take some time."

"I don't want time!" He roars the last two words, making you flinch as he slams his fist against the mattress. "I want you! That's why you're here! Damn it!" Kylo covers his face with his hands. "I just... need this. I need... I need you."

Your breath catches in your throat at his words. With a low voice and your eyes on the ground, you reply. "If you needed me, you wouldn't have done something you knew would cause you to lose me."

Kylo's lips part as his hurt-filled eyes search your face. Your own eyes were pleading with him to say something. Anything. To make it all okay.

"What am I to you?" You whisper. "Because so far, all you've been doing is using me."

He looked so unsure of himself. His silence was enough of an answer to you. You nod stiffly, tears stinging your eyes. With your arms crossed tightly over your chest, you turn and hurry out of his quarters. Kylo could only sit and watch you leave with his heart pounding up in his throat. He had whispered your name, but you had ignored it. Your name leaves his lips one last time even when you were already long gone. Kylo falls back into his bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. He knew you had fallen asleep. Now it was his turn to deal with the pains of a restless night.