《Widow in White》Chapter Ten: Something So Trivial
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It was an awkward goodbye the next morning. Richard had half-reconsidered his decision in the middle of the night: it was so unexpected for Laura to get with child that he might have forgiven Neil's reaction alone — even his own had been outright disbelief, after all. But in the end, it was Neil's behaviour about Percival that made him certain. There was something very underhand and duplicitous about that. If Percival had been a real threat to Laura, Richard wondered, would Neil have entered the room in time to protect her?
However it was hard to face Neil at breakfast the next day. Neil barely spoke a word, and Richard had the guilty impression that he'd bullied Neil into silence. Part of him wanted to say it was alright, Neil could stay, he forgave him. Quite a different part of him wanted to slap the forlorn look off Neil's face and tell him it was his fault for being such a stubborn, judgemental fool to begin with. After breakfast, they lingered awkwardly in the hall while the grooms carried Neil's trunks into the carriage.
"Um," Neil said, looking up the stairwell. "Laura isn't up yet?"
"She's not well this morning."
"I ought to say goodbye to her — is she well enough for that, if I come up?"
Richard hesitated and then shrugged. "Probably."
Richard left Neil waiting outside the door while he went into Laura's bedroom. She was lying in bed with one hand over her stomach and the other over her eyes. When he told her what Neil wanted, she slowly sat up and he helped rearrange the pillows so she could lean back on them. Richard stroked her hair anxiously. Seeing her so ill made him feel guilty, like he'd damaged her. And terrified, and powerless.
"It wasn't this bad before," he said. "I would have noticed."
She shook her head. "I think this is the worst of it now. I ought to be much better in a week or two."
"Are you sure you're well enough to see Neil?"
"I can say goodbye to him at least."
He examined her, saw more irritation than weariness in her pale face, and realized she was annoyed to be so coddled, so he called for Neil, who came in rather hesitantly.
"It doesn't feel right to disturb you," Neil said, hovering by the bed. "But I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye."
Laura gave a faint nod and held her hand out to him. Rather than kiss it or shake it, he took it between both of his, patted it once, and let it go.
"You got what you needed with the doctors then?" Laura asked in a frail voice.
Neil nodded. "They need to look at Podge before we make any further decisions."
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"Right." Laura looked worried. "I hope it goes well."
"Thank you," Neil said. "And, um, I hope it goes well for you too. I mean, with your baby."
The ghost of a smile appeared on Laura's face, but she seemed too tired to speak. Richard could see that her hands were trembling. He caught Neil's eye, and Neil nodded his understanding.
"I just wanted to say goodbye," Neil said, "and thank you for your hospitality."
"It was a..." Laura faltered. "I'm glad you came."
Neil gave a rueful smile. "Be well," he said, and turned to leave.
At the door, he turned back suddenly, his cheeks pink. "I forgot to say... my congratulations to you both."
Richard noticed that Laura gave a proper smile then, but she only nodded her thanks. Then Neil was gone and his footsteps sounded on the stairs. Richard squeezed Laura's shoulder.
"I'll just go see him off."
It didn't take long. Where normally they'd not part without a hug, this time Neil hovered awkwardly in front of Richard for a moment before clapping him on the shoulder. Richard gave him a nod. Then the carriage was rolling down the street and Richard was limping back to Laura's room.
She was lying down with her eyes shut when he came back, and he thought she was sleeping, but she opened them blearily as he came in.
"Don't go," she said tiredly.
"I'm not going." He drew up a chair by the bed and sat down. There were, in fact, things for him to be doing today, things for him to be doing right now, but he couldn't bring himself to leave while she looked so pale and fragile.
"Why is Neil leaving so suddenly?" she asked, shutting her eyes again.
"He finished his business here."
She was silent for a while, but Richard could tell by her breathing that she wasn't sleeping.
"Did you fight with him again?"
"Yes," Richard said shortly.
There was another brief silence. "Was it over me?"
"In a way. But it's not your fault."
Laura turned and pressed her face into a pillow. Richard wondered if she was hiding tears. Over the last few weeks he had noticed that her eyes were strangely quick to glitter up with emotion. Now he knew why. Another thing for him to feel guilty about.
"I'd hoped to have you make up with him before he learned about the baby," she said, rather muffled into the pillow. "And now things are only worse, aren't they?"
"It's not your fault."
"It's probably yours," Laura said peevishly, pulling the covers over her head. She gave a faint groan from beneath them, and Richard rubbed the lump that was her shoulder.
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"It's probably best if you lie still," he said. "Just try and rest."
The covers moved, and Laura's nose appeared from beneath them. She made a wordless, contemptuous sound.
"Yes," Richard agreed. "It's all my fault."
Her hand wormed its way out of the blankets and groped across the cover. Richard caught it and held it in his. She squeezed his fingers.
"I love you too," Richard said.
She fell asleep again not long after that, and Richard took the opportunity to leave her. There were a few matters of prime importance that he did not want to delay: he had to talk to his lawyer about updating his will, a dark precaution that he didn't want Laura to know about right now in case it worried her, and he had to visit Laura's father and find out how Brocket would react to the news. The first took most of the morning, and the second, far more unpleasant interview, little more than an hour. Brocket had already heard the rumours about Laura, and had assumed, to Richard's disgust, the worst of her. Convincing him otherwise took some time, and once that was done, it was even more work to convince him to maintain the estrangement between him and his daughter. Richard was seriously concerned about the effect it might have on Laura to be confronted by her father in her condition. At last, Richard managed to persuade Brocket that if, in the present, there was no relationship with his daughter, there might in future be some relationship with his grandson, but that if there was any distress to Laura now, Brocket would never see any of his future grandchildren.
After that, it was a relief for Richard to come home and find that Laura was up and dressed and playing piano in the drawing room.
"Feeling better?" he asked, stooping to kiss her.
"Much." She pulled him down onto the piano seat with her and wrapped her arms around him. "Elizabeth called."
Richard almost swore. He'd forgotten that Elizabeth would hear the gossip — and be furious that she wasn't told first. "Was she very awful?" he asked.
"I don't know. I told the butler to say I wasn't at home today, to anyone. The doorbell's been ringing all afternoon. But Elizabeth must be dealt with, mustn't she?"
"I'll deal with her tomorrow morning. Don't worry about it. She'll be too pleased we've done it at last to be angry for long that we didn't tell her."
Laura shuddered. "She's worse pleased than angry."
"Yes, at least when she's angry she does ignore one." Richard kissed Laura, a sudden surge of idiotic happiness coming to him at the thought that they had done it. "We're having a baby. What does Elizabeth matter?"
"Not at all." She kissed him back with a smile. Then she paused. "Richard."
"Darling?"
"Why did you fight with Neil?"
Richard felt a shadow of dread sink over him. He hadn't told Laura about Neil eavesdropping her. He couldn't tell her that without also revealing that he knew that she had — just once — been unfaithful to Maidstone after all. He wanted her to tell him that herself. He had faith that one day she would. Since their wedding, she'd opened up more about her marriage to Maidstone, through brief, sad conversations. It was still painful to her, clearly, but he had the impression that she no longer meant to hide things from him.
She tugged on his coat collar. "Why did you argue?"
"Because I don't like what he said to you that night," Richard said, uncomfortable with the half-lie.
Laura's face clouded. "But, Richard, really... he isn't leaving because of that, is he?"
"He's also finished what he needed to do here."
Laura still looked doubtful. She looked down at Richard's knee and started to rub it gently. By now, she knew just how to touch him to make the constant ache hurt a little less. Richard felt his muscles relax at her touch.
"You know that night, before you came in, he was really very kind to me," Laura said. "You didn't see it, but I was very unwell and he looked after me. For the first time I thought we might really be able to be friends. He was talking to me, like a normal person."
Richard wondered if that was true — probably. Neil always had liked to imagine himself a gallant when a woman was in distress.
"And this morning, too," Laura continued, "I could see he was trying to be kind to me."
Probably, Richard thought, she was right. But it was too little, too late as far as Richard was concerned.
"I want you to be friends," she said, playing with his fingers. "I want our baby to have a nice uncle."
Richard caught the twitch of a smile on her lips. "Now you're wheedling me."
"I am." Her smile grew full. "But you will make up with him, won't you, before the baby comes?"
Richard folded his fingers around hers. Despite his anger towards Neil, he couldn't quite imagine a future without him. But nor, right now, could he bear to think of Neil possibly hurting Laura — not with fists or with violence, Neil would never do that, but with cold words and colder feelings.
"Richard?" Laura looked doubtfully at him. "You're not really going to hold a grudge over something so trivial as what he said that night, surely? He clearly believed me this morning."
"No." She made his lie easy. "No, I won't hold a grudge over that. But let me be a little offended for a while."
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