《Unspoken Poetry》if i die.
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if i die
Monday, March 5 2018
Im finally writing a death letter, ive been planning this since depression became my bed,anxiety become my pillow and insecurity became my blanket.
Gabi-gabi. Tuwing gabi ako kinakamusta ng mga kaibigan ko. Tuwing gabi lagi ko silang kasama, sila kausap ko, sila yung mga naging kaibigan. Dahil tuwing gabi pinapaalala nila sakin na wala akong kwenta, wala akong silbi, ang panget ko, ang taba ko, wala akong mararating, wala akong patitunguhan. Gabi gabi pinapaalala nila sakin ung mga bagay na yun.
Noong una, kaya ko pa. Okay pa ako.
Pero ngayon, hindi na.
Pagod na ako, sawa na ako, suko na ako.
Ayoko na.
Di ko na kaya.
Hindi ko na alam.
Paano ako mag sisimula ulit?
Kung gusto ko ng taposin.
Gusto ko ng mamatay, hinihiling ko na pag pikit ko ng aking mata ngayong gabi ay hindi na ito didilat pang muli, sa gayon hindi ko na masilayan ang mga matang ito sa salamin at makita ang babaeng madaming tinatago sa bawat pag ngiti at pag tawa.
Kaya ko to sinusulat dahil sana mamamatay na ako ngayon. Ang tanga, oo. Alam ko. Pero pagod na ako, kaya magpapaka tanga na ako.
Kailan man di ko natutunan mahalin ang sarili ko, bata palang ay namulat na ako sa mga bagay na hindi dapat. bata palang ay naipamukha na sa akin na hindi dapat ako matuwa kung ano ang physical kung anyo, bata palang ako natapakan na kung anong gusto ko. Bata hanggang ngayon.
Gusto ko na mag pahinga, pasensya na.
Mamatay man ako sa isang aksidente o sa aking sariling kamay, ginusto ko yun.
Mama, papa. Madami akong gustong sabihin, madaming pagkakataon na gusto kong sabihin na hindi ko kaya, na hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko yung hinihiling nyo,na pasensya na hindi ako ganon kagaling, madami mama, papa.
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Gusto ko sabihin na mahal ko talaga ang arts. Pero dahil sa inyo, dahil sa pag duda nyo, dahil sa pag ka wala nyo ng interest. Nawala din yung akin.
Hindi ako galit, malungkot lang.
Malungkot ako kasi hindi tayo magkalapit sa isat isa. Ang layo layo natin ma, pa. para tayong indibidwal na nakatira sa iisang bahay, para tayong panilya dahil sa apelyedo lang.
Ang dami kong hinanakit.
Ang dami kong gustong sabihin.
Ang dami kong gustong ipagtapat.
Pero
Ano bang mangyayari? Wala.
Mahal ko kayo.
Pero pasensya na, pagod na talaga ako.
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