My hands tremble in my lap. For god's sake, this is stupid. I'm on school grounds, I'm fine. I can't always be afraid of going outside.

You're fine. He doesn't know where you are.

He doesn't even care.

Maybe it's safe to say I've been a little... frightened... after finding out about my sperm donor being out...

Yes, that is what we have decided to call him, the title of any kind of father is definitely not fitting.

It's stupid but I'm always looking over my shoulder, Blaze has literally had to make me leave the house. I was even too afraid to come to school the first couple of days even though Blaze drives us straight from the house to here. I've been a disgusting skittish mess but there's just this thread inside my brain that keeps being pulled.

What if he really is coming for me? What if he wants revenge on me?

I bite down hard on my lip, a tang coating my tongue. Stop. Everything is fine.

I glance around Mrs Strenthams office, she popped out to get something but I don't mind. I've really started to enjoy our weekly meetings, like my therapy sessions. Both are hard but in the long run rewarding. Talking to someone and looking at the root of my problems is helping. I'm not saying I'm fixed by any means, I will never be 'fixed' and I still have days where it feels like it's all for nothing, where everything will get on top of me again but I'm trying.

I'm not perfect. Even though I strive in a sport that stupidly requires perfection.

My hands continue shaking and I jump out of my skin when the door opens and in walks Mrs Strentham. She pauses by the door scowling whilst I calm my pulse then heads to her desk like she's on a mission. She sits swiftly in her chair and leans forward on the desk, fingers locked so her blush nails sit on the back of her hands, her blonde bob slides down her neck towards me.

"Alright, what's up. And don't tell me nothing because you understand the importance of these chats and when I walked in now you looked like you'd seen a ghost. Your face even frightened me." She purses her lips as I gulp.

It's questions like these where an internal battle rages inside my head. On one side, she's right, I am supposed to be opening up but keeping things to myself for so long it's natural for me to smile and not risk burdening anyone. But it's Mrs Strentham, as she's told me multiple times that's what she's here for and I have to do this for my sanity. I open and close my mouth, I need to tell her.

"I'm just... scared...paranoid is probably a better word," I mumbled looking at the white converse on my feet, suddenly interested in the grass stain I got from the sports field.

"About your dad."

Dad.

I nod.

"Would this be the same reason your attendance has dropped..." She sits back slowly, watching me. I nod again. "I'm not surprised." She finally says, to which my eyes snap up. She's looking at me with a sympathetic smile. "Atlas, what you were told was massive and it's completely normal that you are paranoid. I'd be more concerned if you weren't."

"I know it's stupid-"

"No. It's not stupid okay. You're so brave Atlas. So, so brave, you've defied the word in my opinion and you can get through whatever is coming at you but remember you've got us, you've got your social workers and the parole officers and you've got your family. You've got Blaze and Helen and all your friends. You're not alone this time."

I nod sheepishly, I honestly think I'd be crawled up under a bed right now if I didn't have them. We talk for a little while longer before we get onto the topic of college again...

"I really would prefer not talking about this today..." I sigh.

"Why?" She smiles behind her hands.

"You know why... Blaze and the fact I haven't even got my let-"

I freeze. Everything in the room seems to stop, drowned out by the blood rushing into my ears.

What. The. Actual-

"Arrived this morning." Mrs Stentham pushes the white envelope over to me, The Julliard Logo clear as day on the front above my name. My fingers shake but don't reach out to take the letter. My future Is inside that loosely sealed paper. Everything I've had to endure and dream about is written in black ink inside that envelope. "I also have another ask of you, we would like you to be the class valedictorian and give the farewell speech at the end of... Atlas?" She places her hand over mine and squeezes."Whatever is in that envelope, it's going to be okay."

I nod not entirely convinced and move my hand to drag the letter off the desk. It feels too heavy between my fingertips, the paper too rough and pricily.

"I- I. I- can't." Tears line my lashes before I've even opened the damn thing.

"Hey, it's okay. Why don't you wait until you get home and you're with Blaze-"

"No! No. No. I need to know before... before I see him. I need to..."

I need to know what I'm going to do. I need to get my head around the fact that regardless we'll be... miles away from each other and he'll have loads of.... Loads of new people around him and-

Fuck.

Maybe I do know what I have to do.

"Do you want me to read it?" I'm lost inside my mind, more tears are flowing down my cheeks though I'm more sure that has to do with the decision I've made in my mind regarding Blaze and Mrs Strentham has moved her chair around the desk and is sitting next to me. I nod weakly driving my nails into my palms.

I can't even open the shitting thing. Coward.

"Sure?" I nod again and she takes it from my shaking fingers. The opening of the seal is the only noise to be heard for miles, drilling into my eardrums unpleasantly. The paper is unfolded and I hold my breath, stuck in my lungs as her eyes scan the logo embroidered page. I can't breathe, the walls are pushing in on my mind. I nearly choke when she looks up at me with tears in her eyes.

I haven't been-

"You've been accepted to Julliard. On full scholarship."

I-

"I'm so proud of you." Now she's got tears streaming down her face. It only takes two seconds for a sound to break from my lips and the sobbing to start.

"I- I really got into Julliard?" I cry as she pulls me to her shoulder.

"Yes. Yes, you did. You did it lovely."

"I did it." The words mesh with the sobs coming from my lips. "I- really did- it."

All the blood, sweat, tears and trauma... all of it has been leading up to this.

I did it, momma. I did it for you, I did it for us and I did it for me. I really did it, momma, I'm going to Julliard. I got our dream.

But... Blaze.

My nail varnish flakes off in chunks as I scour the dishes in the sink even harder. I skipped last period just so I didn't have to ride home with Blaze.

Coward. I know.

But I just don't know what to say or how to act. I want to act normally, I really do but I can already feel it. This nasty veil of distance creeping back into me and this time I'm not doing anything to stop it. My mind's too confused as it is, maybe this is what I want, distance to sort everything out.

The front door slams shut, nearly blown off its hinges. Not in an angry way but in its usual Blaze alerting everyone he's home way. I jump out of my skin, dropping the plate into the soapy suds resting on the top of the murky dishwater. My heart pumps viciously beneath my chest, red fingers shaking.

"Hey, you okay? Why'd you miss last period?" His heavy footfalls sound in the kitchen as his bag hits the floor.

"Yeah I'm fine just had...a... uh headache." I pick the plate out of the water again.

"How you feeling now? I could have given you a ride-"

"I'm fine really Blaze," I say flatly as I scrunch my eyes shut. Silence hangs heavy in the kitchen, the dripping from the leaky tap into the water the only sound until the footsteps move closer and two large warm arms snake around my waist and draw me back into a hard chest. His scent engulfs me, his frame homely and familiar. I crave him and nearly sink back allowing the need to be held by him to take over but then I remember the envelope in my bag and tense. Blaze obviously notices, chin stilling on the top of my head.

"Atlas. What's up." He turns me around in his arms, keeping a grasp on my elbows, his head dipped as he tries to look into my eyes. I twist my head so I'm looking behind him.

"Nothing, I'm fine. How was trialling the new players." With the season being over it's up to Blaze and the boys to get the new juniors and seniors ready for next year, running drills, conditioning and all the other jumbo.

"Don't change the subject, something's up." His eyes scan me with such intensity. His hands move up and down my arms, heat emitting from them into my chilled veins. Sweat continues to gather on my palms as I rub them across my jeans. "Talk to my butterfly." His eyes soften with desperation and something deeper, something that flickers but dies out quickly. My eyes flit between my bag and him, I don't even know how to start so I go for the bag and reach for the envelope that weighs so heavily on me. It feels too thick and rough against my fingertips. I hand the letter carefully to Blaze, his brows furrowed as he takes it in his large hands, my hairband sat on his wrist and my stupid ring on his pinkie finger. My heart squeezes painfully in my chest.

He peels back the envelope and slides out the letter, his eyes trail over the tiny black print stopping at the end of the page.

"Holy fuck Atlas." He stares at the page, mouth opening and closing then his arms are around me, lifting me off the ground and into his muscled body. "Holy fucking shit. You did it. You fucking did it! I told you, I told you you could fucking do it. My girl is a fucking Julliard student. I'm so motherfucking proud of you. Fuck proud is an understatement. You. Atlas Grove is something else. All that hard work, everything you've fought through has been for this, you've done it, my love." My body trembles against his as his words encased with genuine happiness and pride flow around me. Tears leak involuntarily from the corner of my eyes, numbness creeping into my very being.

What am I doing? Everything is a mess. It's all a mess!

Blaze drops me to my feet, arm around my waist, when he realises I haven't said anything. His smile that will forever be ingrained into my memory fades into a frown.

"Those better are happy tears." He palms my cheeks, wiping the tears from under my eyes. "Hey, hey, hey." He pulls me against his chest when I start sobbing, "What's wrong love, why aren't you happy?" His hand cups the back of my neck, fingers stroking my skin. I feel sick.

"Stop. Stop, please." I push away from his body, his hands stay on my skin but the look of pain on his face is unmissable. Pushing my hands into my hair and tugging at the roots, I try and pull away from him.

"Stop that, Atlas talk to me." He carefully pries my hands from my hair dwarfing them in his own. "Please, let me help. Whatever it is." His voice is a quiet as a whisper, wobbling through his lips. "Why aren't you happy about this butterfly?"

"I- I... I am happy but... but what about us Blaze... New York and Alabama, so long a distance between us..." The whispers that come from me hurt my throat, burning with each syllable.

"Blondie, we always knew that, it was why we were hesitant to do this in the first place. We've talked about this..."

"But now it's real." My insides feel like liquid, we may have talked about this but it felt like we were living in some weird dream, now... now it's real. "I really didn't think I'd get into Julliard. I always had in the back of my mind that I'd go somewhere closer to you and Julliard wouldn't matter... because I'd be close to you. College is about experiencing new things... experimenting, meeting new people. What if you meet new people, a new girl and she's... we all have.... needs-"

"Bull-fucking-shit!" His voice startles me, when I look up his cheeks are red and his eyes glassier than when he walked in. His hands grip mine and he dips his head to look right into my eyes,

" Do you not think we can do this? Atlas, I'd do anything for you... I'll... I'll move to New York! I love you!"

"No, Blaze No!" That is the exact opposite of what I want, Blaze needs to follow his heart to Alabama and live like a normal college kid, he needs to experiment and make new friends, he needs to grow and have a good time. He has to go to Alabama, I'd never stand in the way of that which is why I need to do this... it sears my insides and causes a migraine behind my eyes but it's what's right. I have to... do this before it.. gets too deep and it's just as bad as every other time. "Sometimes love isn't enough Blaze." He has to go, he can't feel guilty about leaving either.

"Love is always enough Atlas, that's what you've taught me! Your love is whats made me who I am right now! No, this is about the fact that you don't trust me. You don't fucking trust me not to drop you and run off with other girls." He turns away from me raking a hand through his jet black hair.

"I don't want to deprive you of opportunities." My voice is meek and naive, my body shelling back into the old Atlas.

"So now girls count as opportunities? You think all this, college, is about me wanting to fuck other girls. I only want to fuck you! I only want to be with you! Have everything with you! Haven't I made that clear enough over the past few months!" His voice cracks when I shy back from the crudeness in his language. His chest rises slowly, eyes shut as moisture gathers at the corners. He opens them, water swimming at his lashline, and steps towards me.

"Atlas come on." His honey voice is desperate and pain-stricken, "You... You said you'd never leave me. You promised you wouldn't leave me butterfly." Tears drop down his face in perfect lines, the blue of his eyes darkened by sadness and shock. He grips my face and strokes his thumbs tenderly across my wet cheeks. "What the fuck is this." He whispers slowly looking directly into my blurred vision. Then he drops his hands, takes a step back and breaths out towards the ceiling, the emotion is gone, blank and harsh lines capture his face like they did when we first met. "If you don't think this can work then why the fuck are we even trying right now?" He places the letter into my white-knuckled hands and tucks a strand of damp hair behind my ear, a sad final smile creeping across his lips, faint and resigned. "You don't trust me Blondie and you don't love yourself enough to see that I would never leave you as everyone else has. I know people have broken your trust but you need to trust me... you should trust me, I've never given you a reason not to. Please sweetheart just... just trust me... I love you Atlas and I know you love me but... trust me."

My heart cracks in two as more tears pour down from his eyes, he makes no attempt to dry his face just stares brokenly at me. He's just poured everything out and I realise something. Blaze has grown, he's opened up and he's learnt to trust and love. Despite everything, he's pushed through and has grown but as I shrink back into the person I was I realise she never left. I still don't trust. I love fiercely but that's nothing If I cant trust. The mousy atlas never left she was just covered with a bravado I put up, and that's not fair on Blaze. So I do the only thing I know how to do. I shut down and ignore everything, I run away and burn myself further.

"I need space... this is a lot, for both of us, and I... I just need to be on my own for a while."

I don't even recognise my own monotone voice.

"No Atlas, don't. Don't! Please, please don't retreat into yourself. You've come too far to go back... we can, we can talk through this. Please, just please." He's still pleading as I grab a bag and shove most of my things into it. He tries to take things out, begging me to stop, begging with a horse voice. Shouting until he's on the floor on his knees clutching the clothes he's taking back out of my bag.

I do everything motionlessly, like I'm on autopilot. Even the walk to the door doesn't register.

"Let's talk, please just-"

"What's there left to say, Blaze." My hand turns the handle, the stretch of silence so tense it could snap like a rubber band.

"Fine..." He says finally, voice stronger than it was when he was pleading. An odd calmness washes over him. "But if you walk out that door, forget when I leave for college. You walk out now, you're running. And you'll be losing me anyway."

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