"You alright bubba?" My nana startles me, causing me to drop the bowl I was washing back into the dirty dishwater. I've been lumped with cleaning up the dishes and cooking stuff after Thanksgiving dinner although I don't mind that much, I'm in an overly social mood anyway. What with my dad constantly trying to contact me, what my mom said about Atlas and having still not heard anything from Alabama I'm not great company this thanksgiving. I know I probably sound like a moany bitch especially when I'm meant to be thankful for everything today but I just feel stressed. I've been going down to Jacks a lot more frequently to try and relieve the rage-filled tension but nothing's working at the moment... nothing except a text...

A simple 'happy thanksgiving :) x' text from Blondie this morning. For those few seconds it flashed across the screen I felt slightly lighter and allowed a small smile to grace my face.

But then again, that simple text adds more stress to how I feel, I shouldn't be feeling like this around a girl, especially one who just text me! I've fucked tones of girls and never felt like this. I don't fucking like it. I haven't even slept with Atlas and she pulls this much from me!

My nana rubs her hand on my back comfortingly and looks at me with concern ridden eyes. I miss my nana and grandpa most from New York, I miss watching the games with grandpa and I miss helping nana cook. We'd spend hours around theirs just watching the football and cooking, making happy memories, they spoiled us constantly and actually, they still do.

"Leave the dishes Blazey and sit down with me." I place the last dish on the draining board and slump into a chair around the kitchen island with a huff. "Alright tell nana what's wrong? You've been very spaced out all day... you didn't even have seconds of my casserole." She looks solemnly at me since she knows I always end up eating most of the thanksgiving food, with the appetite of a football player, it's hardly my fault I need more energy. It's like cooking for elephants with me and grandpa at the table.

"Sorry, nana... I didn't mean to be rude, I love seeing you I just have a lot on my mind right now." I sigh running a hand through my hair. She places her cold hand on my arm, her bangles clank against my rings.

"You're not being rude baby, we know all the pressure you're under," She smiles sweetly. My nana has a warm face, her silver hair is cut into a shoulder-length bob that swings against her oversized necklaces, her face is aged but she still looks younger than she is - probably due to the extensive skincare routine she follows considering the fact she used to be an actress and her skin was on show a lot, she's taken care of it. Her cheeks are bright without the need of blush and sit nicely with her famous line of red lipstick, as she says she's not sixty-one years old, she's sixty-one years young, "Is it about football?"

"Partly I guess." I shrug, it's not that I don't want to talk to her but I just hate talking about my feelings, they're easier to be manipulated once their out in the open.

"Listen, son, don't stress yourself out about it," My grandpa walks into the room also looking very young for his age, he still has a full head of black hair, only a few stands turning grey and has an incredible physique for a sixty-five-year-old. Again helped by his career, like me he played in the NFL for a little bit before he got an injury and ended up coaching the big college and NFL teams, he's one of my inspirations- the reason I wanted to go into the NFL, "They'll rarely send out offers this early, you already know they're interested in you and I guarantee they'll be scouts at a game this season!" He sits down opposite us clamping a large hand on my shoulder.

"But after the camp in Alabama-"

"Christ boy, you did well, amazingly well. Half my boys don't play like you at college level and you're in high school! You're an amazing player Blaze, have faith in your ability and what will be will be. I know how hard you've worked to get where you are and we're all so proud of you." He leans across the table and ruffles my hair with his gold ring clad hand, I swat him away jokily, his crooked smile spreads across his face. I trust my grandpa more than anyone, he's been there for me through thick and thin, even when I gave up on me and football, he didn't. He taught me everything I know, picked me up when I fell down and attended every single one of my games growing up.

"So what else is bothering you then?" Nana asks setting her hands around a porcelain mug my mom sits down in front of her and my gramps, my mom grins at her like they have an inside joke. "Are they girl problems Blazey?" She chirps, her eyes wandering around the room full of humour. Suddenly Gemma comes skipping out of her room, purple tutu around her waist and black boxer braids swinging in the air behind her small body.

"Have you upset Atlas!" She stands next to my chair hand on her hip.

"No I haven't munchkin." I sigh lifting her onto my lap.

"Atlas eh? Who's this Atlas?" Gramps smirks.

"She's Blazes girlfriend and she's a dancer like me!" Gem beams fiddling with a beaded bracelet she made from one of those kids jewellery sets earlier in the day.

"She's not my girlfriend!" I drop my hand down my face resisting the urge to groan at my little sister, I've told her hundreds of times now but she just won't fucking listen.

"Why not?" Nana frowns, "Your mom was telling me all about her... she sounds lovely... how come she's not your girlfriend?" I scowl at my mom who looks innocently at me, a hint of a smirk resting on her lips. I should have known my mom would share all my dirty little secrets with nana.

"Atlas and I are just friends, we will be until the end of the year then we both go separate ways to college," I shrug unconvincingly it seems, I don't even know what Atlas wants to do and that's half the problem I guess. I like spending time with her but I still don't know much about her background or what she's like behind closed doors, there must be something not perfect about her right? We've all got secrets. She's wicked smart, drop-dead gorgeous and an insanely talented dancer but, "I think she's holding back too," I murmur, my nanas eyes shoot up?

"What do you mean?" She squints slightly, probably annoyed she left her glasses at home now.

"Well... I don't know shes just cagey about some stuff and she's very secretive. Keeps herself to herself." I exclaim, fiddling with my rings, "It doesn't matter anyway, does it? When she finds out about me she'll bolt." I sigh feeling the undeniable wave of guilt rush through me. My nana shakes her head and huffs audibly.

"You don't know that Blaze, you're a good kid who made some bad choices but you're putting them right and you've done so much already. Maybe you should give her a chance? If she did run... she didn't mean that much anyway. " Nana soothes, her hand holding mine, "And for the love of god stop putting this ink on your skin!" She sighs making us all chuckle.

"I need to focus on football and my stats anyway. The past is the past. No point bringing it up again." I state decisively, I cast my eyes around the table and they all smile sympathetically back at me. I draw my eyes to my pocket when my phone buzzes relieving the tension in the air.

I look at the screen for a few seconds watching the curser fade in and out in the text box.

I sigh shoving my phone back into my pocket. "Mom is it okay if I head over to Bradys for a bit? His cousins are over and they want to see me?" Lying through my teeth like it's the easiest thing in the world- but I feel awful.

She looks wearily at me and I hate the fact I've given her enough shit for her to doubt me but in every way she has a right to this time. I'm silently begging for her to pick me up and question me, stop me from going... please mom...

"Alright but be back by midnight okay?" She says looking at the clock.

Perfect...

I say my goodbyes promising to be good and walk out into the darkening night unlocking my beauty sat in the drive. About half an hour later Brady's sat in the passenger's seat and we're on our way to this out of town race.

I know- I'm completely going back on my words about leaving it in New York and being good but it's just one time and racing was actually enjoyable to me until it became another manipulative thing for my dad to use on me.

I feel guilty as fuck right now and honestly scared that if I do get caught I could risk my career but being the asswipe I am, I'll take the damn risk. I just know once I'm racing around that dirt track my mind will be cleared because nothing else matters when I'm in the car. With the engines fired up and the screeching of the tires, I feel alive and focused. Not worried about girls or college offers.

I drop my ballet bag onto the studio floor, unwrap my scarf from my neck and dump it next to my bag. I'd been lucky enough to find a studio that was actually open on thanksgiving all thanks to Layla whos cousin owns the studio, I managed to get a few hours free of charge as long as I don't trash the place-obviously.

I'm so thankful to be away from the house today... not that my adoptive parents are ever here for thanksgiving- they usually go away for the week, they don't do the family dinner thing, not since their daughter died. They find it too painful and I understand that, I don't blame them. Without being nasty I'm kind of glad, It's nice to have time away from them, really nice, I'm not constantly on edge although they do ring during the day to check I haven't run away or something. It's a simple grunt down the phone and that's it.

I hate thanksgiving... I miss my momma and my sister so much. I can just remember their laughs around the table at dinner and the smile on my mommas face when Lucy and I showed her an annual thanksgiving dance. Lucy never did ballet to the extent I did, she was actually more engrossed with Hip-Hop but she loved to dance with me regardless, I'd teach her a few simple things and we'd make something crazy to show my momma after lunch.

I sigh stretching out my muscles clad in a pair of leggings and a sports bra, my body is still discoloured with bruises but at least I'm not going to run into anyone here, and my ankle is so much better now. I watch my legs and hips- I really need a ballet master, I need to start training fluently again, I'm trying my hardest and I've definitely made progress on my own but If I want to be successful again I need to be pushing myself a lot more making sure my feet are perfect and the positions of my legs are the best things people have seen.

Successful in dance...? Do I even want to dance again? Professionally that is? It's all I've thought about since I could walk... what my momma and I thought about...

The thoughts swim in my head fogging my decisions- besides I don't have enough money nor the time for extensive training.

I push the thoughts away with a kick of my heel, this is just time for me and dancing nothing else. Let go and relax into what your body wants to say.

I adjust my pointe shoes, I desperately need some new ones but I haven't found the time to go downtown to a store yet. I know there's a small one right on the other side of town but it'd take ages to get there and hundreds of bus routes.

I pick up my phone out of my bag to select a dance track. I've been working on a new routine recently but as I unlock my phone a Snapchat from Blaze rolls in. I quickly tap on the notification to reveal a snap of him and Brady. The phone is in Brady's hand and his arm is around Blaze's neck, Blaze raises one eyebrow at the camera obviously moody with B. He looks really good though, the outside air makes his eye brighter and more intense and his classic leather jacket makes his chest look massive. It's unfair for him to look this good after probably eating a whole table of carb ridden food.

I wonder where they are, especially on thanksgiving?

I send back a picture of my pointe shoes and walk back over to the barre. We've been doing that a lot... Snapchat's and texts here and there... and I can't deny I feel a warmth swim through me every time I see his name pop up, an anticipation building inside of me. I like Blaze, something about him just draws me to him and makes me feel safe... I don't feel on edge with him. Well, obviously I do when he takes his goddamn shirt off, his inked biceps when they flex without meaning to, the way his black hair sneaks onto his forehead or when he sends me one of those panty-dropping winks. Good lord just thinking about it...

Ugh! I shouldn't be thinking about it! I've got all I need, great friends, a chance to get away from this shitty town at the end of the year and I've got dance back!

I huff... so why doesn't it feel like enough, I still have this weird hole like feeling in my stomach. Maybe it's the fact I'm lying to the only people I trust and value, the only people who make me happy and normal and the only person who makes me feel safe... I want to tell Blaze but I don't want to burden him and I can't stand the pity.

Anyway, it doesn't matter, he's got to focus on football- I can not get in the way of that. He's way too good to be thinking about anything else and when he goes to Alabama at the end of the year he'll probably forget about mousey me anyway. Surrounded by those hot college girls who aren't covered in bruises and marks, who don't wake up having panic attacks in the middle of the night or can't even speak up for themselves in class.

Blaze deserves someone better than that. He has a big heart and a kind soul, he deserves the world for how hard he works.

I twirl around the studio feeling the fire race through my veins, the only sounds are my heavy breathing and heart beating loudly against my ribcage fighting against the heavy song playing. My hair flys behind me and a trickle of sweat saunter down my back, my fingertips gracefully swoosh through the air and my toes stand to attention beneath the hard material of the pointe shoes. I arch my back and release the tension in my legs soaring through the air and landing with precision, controlled timing. I look at the girl in the mirror and a slight smile graces my face- my expression has always been the same through dance. It's the one thing that will always draw a smile from me. We've had our ups and downs and after a considerably long break up... it still manages to make me smile.

😂🤞🏻🤞🏻

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