Despite being in the middle of summer it felt like no real sun ever shone through my window, I found that if I looked out to the dark fog that lingered around the manor for too long the darkness crept its way further into me. Reminding me of the little light I had right now inside of me, I could already feel myself burning out and the hardest part wasn't even here yet. Right now I was still me, I was a girl hopelessly in love that was trying her best to keep everything together. To not allow herself to crumble but even I knew that was something I couldn't keep up forever.

Every moment I spent with Draco I felt the temporary fix, like the process of healing was beginning again but the moment night came or a glimpse of loneliness came to mind I was suddenly back to the start. In fact each time it happened I felt even further away from the start, like I was being punished for feeling ok even if it was only for a moment.

You are told that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, that each trauma you endeavour only helps you grow into your final frame. The idea of this is drilled into everyone, that they should take what has happened to them and move on. Become a person that you weren't before, one that has felt pain and only become stronger from it, one that can look fear right in the eyes and not give a fuck because they are more secure than anything that could come their way. Of course this works for some but for the others what are we left with? We are left feeling weak, useless, pointless. A disgrace to the rest that picked themself up off the ground and kept running. A tragedy, a lost cause. Was I expected to live with a haunting pain of loss for the rest of my life and be ok?

Although I dreamt of my future with Draco, it was tainted. It was tainted because the life I would have was not the life I expected to lead, I never imagined my life as a fairytale but god I thought I would get the bare minimum. A graduation from school, a struggle to find my dream job but then working so hard to get it. A father to walk me down the aisle. Watching my children grow adoring their grandparents who even though I specifically say not to give them chocolate after five don't listen to me so I have psychotic kids running around that just won't calm down! Seeing my sister fall in love with someone that can really care for her.

Growing old without the guilt of the hideous tasks I have done.

Not having to watch the love of my life change into the thing I hated the most.

Myself becoming the thing I hated the most.

I small knock came at the door.

"Hi" Draco's tired face came from the other side of the door.

"Your parents?"

"Asleep." He closed the door behind him softly.

I smiled at him briefly, as if I didn't even have the energy to keep it from falling off my face. I watched him make slow steps closer to me until something caught his eye on the bookcase, his attention diverted to a large, maroon book. It was placed slightly above his head meaning he had to stretch his neck up to see it. His throat largely exposed, I was able to see the bump from his Adam's apple.

Fuck he looked good.

I was unknowingly staring, a million miles away. No sound penetrated through my ears instead it was muffled by my thoughts of Draco. An easy discraction I can assure you. My eyes soaked in each bit of skin, waves of our time together couldn't help but flood over me. A tingling sensation ran over each place that had felt his touch.

"Are you listening to me Ivy?" My enchanted silence broken by his low husk.

"No" I flashed him a glance I hoped he would understand, by the growing smirk on his face I knew he had it.

Some may say my acts didn't appear to be one of a person in sorrow, that my obsession for his touch didn't fall into the norm of someone intensely grieving the life they were left with. But he was my painkiller, like the kind of drug they give you that makes you completely numb. The one they give you right before they operate on you and no matter the pain it would cause you if it wasn't for that drug it didn't matter because with that could nothing hurt you...until you were without it.

Draco's eyes fell back to the bookcase. Running his finger along the spine of one of them before picking it up, he moved his hands around the book. Somehow making the book look small.

"I want to please you Draco." His eyes barely moved from the page, only to dart a courageous glance at me before returning to his book.

"Please me how Ivy?"

"Please you the way you pleased me" I looked down to my chest, I slowly took to the buttons that stood in the way of him seeing me. I got half way before I allowed the dress to fall off my shoulders floating it's way to the floor.

I had his attention now, he closed the book and placed it gently back on the shelf. In a few long strides he closed the distance between us. He stood there for a moment, his eyes followed each one of my curves. He placed his hands in his pockets, his posture strong and dominating.

"On your knees Ivy."

For a second his words took me back but my body followed his orders. I crouched down slowly, never breaking eye contact. My knees hit the floor firmly.

"Please me Ivy." His mouth left slightly ajar, only becoming more inviting but for now my concentration was to be elsewhere.