As I dress, I can hear muffled voices coming from the kitchen. This is all a fucking mess. I tell myself I have got to get my head together. I'm going to lose it if Namjoon starts giving me the fuckin, 'I told you so speech.' As much as it hurts, I still have a show to do. Its three days before Christmas and that thought brings tears to my eyes. How will I do this? I guess that is what Namjoon and Jin are here to talk about. I dress and blow dry my hair. Time to face the music.

As I move down the hall leading to the kitchen, I hear laughter. I pause before entering and listen for a moment as I hear Namjoon's voice.

"Jimin the children were so adorable, and their little eyes were sparkling as they were mesmerized by the huge Christmas tree, lights, the abundance of presents, music and of course Santa. It was just too cute," Namjoon says and releases a soft sigh that I'm able to hear as I feel a joyful warmth build from my core. A soft smile spreads across my face as I take in the picture that Namjoon painted. This sounds more like my best friend from my school days than my business partner.

"Oh my, I'm so sorry Kookie missed it. I know that he loves his staff, and the little ones are just his favorite part of the Holiday party. He could talk about them for hours, " Jimin says as he and Namjoon chuckle. However, surprisingly I don't hear Jin.

"Kookie was definitely missed, and everyone was asking for him. I said he was feeling ill and left early. He has a load of Christmas gifts that I brought over for him," Namjoon says followed by a low chuckle.

"The last two years he dragged me to the staff and family picnic and let's not forget the annual staff appreciation dinner. My brother loves people and especially kids," Jimin says as I hear the Namjoon chuckle in agreement, I get pummeled by a mixture of sadness and joy as I think about Tae wanting 10 children. As my eyes well with tears and I softly chuckle as fond memories of Tae and I laughing over dinner and talking about our dreams. I just remember that all I wanted was to raise those children with him.

'Kookie, is that you,' Jimin says as I wipe my eyes and clear my throat before entering the kitchen.

I can tell by the shocked look on Namjoon's face that I must look a mess. Blotchy skin with reddened eyes.

"Kookie, how are you do?" Namjoon says softly as I move to a stool at the kitchen island facing him as Jimin smiles while he cuts into a freshly cooked coffee cake. Jimin then places a slice on a plate in front of me.

"I-I'm not hungry, Jimin." I say slightly pushing the plate away from me.

'Are you kidding me? This is delicious!" Namjoon says as he holds out his plate and Jimin gives him another slice.

"How about I leave it there and we will see what happens," Jimin says with a soft smile as I look up at him and smile because that is exactly what mom would say when I did not want to eat something. I'd usually start eating it.

I leave the plate there and look over to Namjoon.

"I'm doing better today, thank you," I reply with a frigid and defensive tone as I cross my arms over my chest.

"Look I know you're here to talk about the upcoming Christmas show and I don't know what will happen, but you do know I'll show up and do my job for my audience. I just can't think about solving it right now. But we will," I say timidly lowering my gaze.

"Kookie that's not why I'm here," Namjoon says as he leans forward placing his elbows on the granite island top and crossing his arms.

"I'm sorry, but what else could you be here for? Oh, I know. You wanted to gloat and tell me again how I'm a damn fool. You'll get no argument from me; I say followed by a scoff. "Where the hell is Jin? I'm certain he has an opinion too."

"Kookie, can you just please listen," Jimin say as he takes a place next to me and places a hot cup of coffee in front of me.

I sneer as I look down at the coffee and then reach for two packets of sugar and the small ceramic cream container. I nod as I pour the sugar and cream into my coffee signaling to Namjoon to proceed.

"As I said, that is not what I'm here for and uh, Jin was not able to be here," he says and diverts his eyes toward his partially eaten coffee cake. I immediately know something is up. I know Namjoon and he's not sharing something. I just want him to leave so I can crawl back into my bed with my boxes of tissues and my pain.

"Look I have just as much fault in this situation or more. Kookie I'm here because I care about you," he says

"Care about me! Didn't you tell me that I was a fool, and I should have never slept with him. I think that was your position Namjoon. Forget about love and take the money!"

"I was wrong Kookie. I didn't get it at first. Jin and I had a talk, well he talked, and I listened. Kookie, if you give me a few minutes I'd like to share my thoughts and feelings," he says in a caring voice that I have not heard in a long time coming from him. I lift my coffee cup to my lips and takes a slow sip and nod for him to continue. The coffee is hot and feels wonderful as it slides down my throat. I feel alive.

"Kookie, again I'm sorry. Look, I just didn't understand that you were in love. I've been really driven working to make this show a success and it has finally cost me the one thing I care most about, Jin," he says as I gasps while he clears his throat and swallows his discomfort.

"W-What happen w-with Jin?" I stammer as he diverts his eyes and investigates the empty air space in front of him. He looks tired and bewildered. He opens his mouth to speaks and incoherently mumbles and then speaks again.

"Uh he s-said he no longer sees the man uh he fell in love with, and he uh broke-up with me and uh quit the show," he says in a low voice that cracks.

"What! No way! You have to fix this now, Namjoon!" I shout as I see wetness in his eyes. I've never experienced him emotional in this way before. He is quite hurt. As I examine him closer his eyes are bloodshot, and he looks as if he's been up all night.

"Kookie, I-I don't want to talk about that now. I want to talk about us," he says as he bites on his lip as if he's holding back his pain. We were the best of friends since college and somehow, we got off track. We focused more on our business than our friendship. Yesterday when I saw the look on your face when that slim bag reporter attacked, I was crushed. I then looked at Taehyung and it was clear, what you both felt. Yes, Kookie you do get to be happy, and I've been such a dick about everything. I'm really sorry. I-I forgot about what was really important," he exclaims and quickly looks down at the granite table. I know I was not a victim in all of this. I must take ownership of my part too as I feel closer to him than I've felt in a long time.

"Namjoon, I-I was happy being the face of our brand and being out in front. I loved it and you were left to deal with the business end of it. I wanted no part of that. I was happy with what you were doing until I wanted to change things. Thanks, but what I want no longer matters," I says in a low voice that trails off into a whisper as my chest fills with sadness.

"What do you mean no longer matters?" Namjoon says pulling back and examining me intently.

"I-I just don't want to talk about it, and we'll figure the show out later." I say lowing my head and picking off a piece of the coffee cake that is still warm as I hear Jimin release a loud sigh.

"Enough Kookie!" Jimin shouts. "You love Taehyung and that's it!"

"Jimin, I don't deny it! I love him! I want to be with him but I'm no good for him! I've never been any good for him. Who was I fooling?" I say resting my head in my hands and slowly shaking my head.

"Are you fuckin kidding me," Jimin says as Namjoon starts to laugh as my head pops up.

"Hahaha," Namjoon howls as Jimin and I turn our focus to him.

"What the hell is so funny!" I fume and roar with anger. "You're caring about me is bullshit!" I spit as I bite down on my lip.

"Hahaha! Namjoon continues.

"Namjoon, this is a serious matter. Kookie is hurt." Jimin says as he leans into the table, "laughing at Kookie's pain is rude and offensive," Jimin exclaims with irritation.

"I'm sorry, Kookie. It just brought back some memory. You were never good with a bit of rejection when it came to boys you liked. The odd think is you could deal with other shit so well. Like being a top-rated talk show host," Namjoon says as I find myself in a state of bafflement as my eyebrows squish together.

"What was that guy's name in our freshmen year? Uh, the hot jock that had a girlfriend. He was a scumbag and when he rejected your poem you didn't eat for a week, and I had to call your mom. He was a piece of shit. 'Hahaha." Namjoon laughs slapping the table with his hand as I feel my face burn.

"Oh my, I remember that," Jimin says covering his mouth with his hand as he softly laughs."

"Oh god not you too!" I yell as I roll my eyes with an added scoff.

"Then in our Junior year it was that dickhead history major," Namjoon reports as he roars with laughter and Jimin is firmly holding his hand to his mouth while his body violently shakes with laughter.

"He was an idiot and didn't call after two dates and you stayed in bed in our dorm for almost 2 weeks. You thought you weren't smart enough or good enough. That asshole was as dumb as a box of rocks," Namjoon shouts as he grabs a tissue to wipe his tearing eyes as I grit my teeth and tighten my fist while Jimin softly chuckles.

"Kookie, what I'm laughing at is your pattern of beating yourself up. Your perfectionism is a gift and a curse. You are smart and talented but your overreaction sucks. You didn't care about these guys, but you love Taehyung. Don't you dare miss out on something coming that's made for you. Don't let this man get away. He's the normal guy you have been trying to tell me about for months and I'm sorry I was not listening," Namjoon says as a genuine smile reaches his eyes and I feel a warmth expanding in my chest.

"Kookie, no one can do drama better than you, little brother," Jimin says as a smile spreads across his face.

"What? I really get dramatic like that?" I probe as my face heats up and I feel an authentic willingness to support me from both Jimin and Namjoon. I realize that they are both correct.

"Hell yeah, bitch," Jimin says as he and Namjoon laughs.

"No, but Tae hates me. He was disgusted by me and repelled me. H-He wants nothing to do with me," I say and burst into sobs.

"Kookie, did he say that? He has been wanting to talk to since last night. He wanted to pick you up and take you to the train this morning, but you refused his call. He doesn't hate you. But you need to talk to him," Jimin exclaims.

"I know he wants to be with me. It's just that I was thinking I was not good enough because of all the lies. I love him so much," I say as I reach for the tissue box.

"Kookie, you are a good man who deserves a good man like Taehyung. Stop fucking it up," Namjoon says as I smile and take in his truth.

"But, what about the lies?" I ask as Jimin says," You stand up and start telling the truth."

"Kookie we will work it all out, the way you want. But first you set it straight with the man you love.

"I am worthy, aren't I? What the fuck was I thinking!"

As the train leaves the station, my heart aches and I softly moan into the pain. A tear moves down my cheek as I look around the deluxe private compartment and think of how the happy expectations I had just 24 hours ago have been crushed by the deepness of my despair. I could not wait for this moment and now it here and I am alone. I hate it.

I will not see my Kookie for three days now. I was looking forward to waking up early on Christmas Eve and sneaking downstairs to cook him breakfast and serve him in my bed. I just know we will be okay. I will not give up on him. If he were here, there a hundred things I would say in this moment. I'd then pull him into my arms and smother him with kisses and never let him go.

There is a knock on the door of my private compartment. I quickly rise to answer in hope that it's my Kookie. It's the porter who has come to collect my ticket. I sigh in disappointment.

"Sir, are you traveling alone?" The porter inquires with a big friendly grin. "This compartment was booked for two. We'll that means more room for you sir," he says with a hearty laugh as I nod in response. I do not feel like laughing. He shows me the small, attached bathroom and how to pull out the bed for two.

"Sir can I bring you a drink or would you like to order a meal from the dining car? The chef is quite good." He asks with a wide smile that for some reason I find annoying.

"No, I'm fine. I'd just like a bit of peace and quiet," I somberly say as I reach into my pocket and give him a tip.

He leaves and in less than a minute later there is another knock on the door as I feel bothered moving to the door to answer it. I just want to be left alone. Damnit, is that too much to ask I think as I grit my teeth and forcefully pull the door open and see the most beautiful vision ever!

"Uh a very friendly porter told me that there is a compartment that is missing a passenger," my Kookie says as my eye widen, and my mouth drops open. I pull him into the compartment so fast, he gasps. We look at each other in a way we never have before as tears roll down our cheeks and out of the hundreds of things I wanted to say I can only think of one.

"I love you Kookie," I whisper barely able to get out my voice.

"I love you too, Tae. I have loved you so long and was so scared. I'm so sorry Tae."

"'No, Kookie I'm so sorry I rejected you, I was confused and-"

"Tae, please kiss me," he says, and I crush my lips into his. Our kiss is deep and passionate. Our hands are everywhere as we burn for each other. He peels off my jacket as I wrap my arms around him and whisper.

"Kookie, I'm going to be a better man for you, I promise. I'll do anything for you my love."

Tae, just one thing is all I request.

"Yes, baby what is it?"

"Please don't ever leave me again."

"Never, Kookie, never."