As the elevator rises towards my penthouse apartment, I feel unsettled and uneasy. A dread comes over me, as I think of facing the emptiness of my residence, alone. Often, I'm dead tired after a long day of work but tonight, I feel different.

There's an energy yet, a loneliness. A marked difference. I don't have words for it.

I can't get the image of Tae's beautiful smile out of my mind. Not only his smile but his strong hands as he skillfully cut pecans. The thought of how those hands would feel on my body brings a smile to my face and a delightful flutter to my stomach.

Although a stranger when he walked on my set, I can't help but feel as if I know him now. As we walked to the elevator, I felt a connection and a need to be close. I yearned to touch him.

I desired to touch him and shamefully nudged him pretending it was accidental.

It was childish but I needed it. This thought warms me yet at the same time it is shocking. I could really make a fool of myself.

I desperately want to give him the Christmas that he wants. I want to make him happy. I feel the vibration of my phone as the door of my apartment closes behind me.

There's a fleeting sense of excitement as I hope it is Tae. Why the hell would he call me? How stupid. It's my brother, Jimin. I feel my heart sink a bit.

"Hi Jimin, what's up?" I say lacking enthusiasm. I'm really not up for hearing his complaining about his ex-boyfriend or some new hot guy he met. He's a man magnet. More like men and drama.

He meets lots of men, however, his relationships never seem to last longer than a few months, maybe. He's quite opinionated and outspoken. In my opinion, he's never met a guy he can't intimidate. He always pushes them around.

He then loses respect for them. After which, comes the drama of the breakup. Because he's attractive and successful he gets away with a lot of shit. My hope is, that one day he'll meets someone who can handle him and love him. I just want my brother to be happy.

"Hi Kookie. Are you okay? You were supposed to call earlier," he says with concern.

Fuck. I forgot. We were going to talk about our holiday plans. Shit! I not only forgot to call him, but also, completely forgot about our commitment to spend the holiday together this year.

Even when Tae asked me in the hall if I had other plans, I did not think of my tentative plans with Jimin. Damn, that man truly had my attention. Now, I'd have to tell Jimin that our plans are cancelled.

"Sorry, Jimin. I completely forgot."

"Forgot? Kookie, you never forget commitments and appointments. You are anal to a fault about making notes, scheduling and organizing. Tell me what's going on?" He says lowering his voice.

He was right. I noted this on my phone's calendar. It's not like me to forget a priority in the moment. I always check my notes throughout the day to ensure I don't drop out a commitment.

Jimin is important to me. He is someone I can be vulnerable with and I love him very much. Even if his ass is crazy at times.

"Yeah, I got distracted with work," I say in a monotone voice as I comb my fingers through my hair.

"Kookie what the hell is going on? You sound different. Like you're hedging." His tone changes from concern to suspicion.

I can't lie to Jimin. Besides, he would know. No one knows me better than Jimin.

"Jimin, something happened to me, at work," I say as I sit down and lean back into my plush sofa.

"Go ahead Kookie, I'm listening," he says with a softened voice.

"I met someone that I can't stop thinking about?" I say quietly as I smile thinking of Taehyung. I question myself because it's unfamiliar to me to focus on someone the way I'm focused on Taehyung. It makes no sense. Yet this is how it is.

"What! This is great news, Kookie! Tell me all about him."

His eagerness gives me permission to say more and to hope. I'm grateful that I can be totally vulnerable with Jimin. He'll tell me the truth and his only intention is for me to be happy.

"Well, it's complicated," I say holding back slightly but with the full intent of sharing with my brother.

"Complicated? You just met someone and it's already complicated? Well damn, it takes me at least a week before it gets complicated," he says with a chuckle.

"Jimin, I'm serious," I say in a flat voice feeling a knot in my stomach. I don't want to say aloud that I don't believe myself to be worthy of Kim Taehyung. I lower my chin and begin to fidget with the tassel of a decorative pillow.

"Okay, Kookie, I'm sorry. Please go ahead," Jimin says in a more empathic tone.

"He was a guest on my show. His name is Taehyung. He's this normal guy, that's amazing. He's compassionate, kind, caring and really smart." I can't help but smile wide as I talk about Tae. I look down and start picking imaginary lint off my pants as I feel a bit of shyness.

"Anyway, he was my guest today. He's big on social media because he rescued a young mother and her little boy."

"Wait a minute, is this that hot farmer that is everywhere on social media?" He says in a raised tone laced with a bit of excitement.

"Yes, that him!" I shout in excitement as I lean forward into our conversation.

"Wow, Kookie! I've seen his videos and he comes across really genuine. This guy is everywhere. Every time I see him I think what a nice man he is. He's hot! I'd just run over him because he's too nice but he'd be perfect for my little brother. So did you ask him out?"

"What? I-I can't ask him out," I say as fear grip my heart and all my insecurities come rushing forward with all the reasons I've told myself it wouldn't work.

"What do you mean you can't ask him out? You're the most confident guy I know. Well, next to me. You can totally do this, Kookie!" Jimin has always been my biggest cheerleader. Of course, he'd support me.

"Jimin, he's a normal guy. You said it yourself, genuine. He is also honest. What happens when he finds out the truth about me?" I say as I cover my eyes with my hand and slowly shake my head falling back into the soft comfort of my couch.

"You mean, the truth that you're not as confident as you come off as? Or the one about you being an anal organizer and neat freak? That truth?"

"No, Jimin, the truth about the show. How it's staged. Me not cooking and not having a dog and other related shit!" I say increasing my pitch as I stand and start pacing across the room.

"Kookie, are you kidding me? You are no different than any other TV show celebrity. You think your audience doesn't know you're not making crazy crafts daily in your basement or that you're not cooking gourmet cuisine non-stop?" Jimin asks with energy.

"This is different! We sell this image that is just not true, Jimin!" I exclaim tossing a hand up and pacing faster.

"Again, Kookie, the whole damn industry is about image. Even the fucking reality shows. Did you forget that I'm in advertising and I know your industry better than you?" Jimin scolds me before continuing.

"Kookie, it is not far from the truth. The show just got bigger than you," he says as his voice and tone lowers.

I return to my sofa and intently listen. "What are you saying, Jimin?"

"Kookie, have you forgotten that you always loved to cook and when you and Namjoon started the show you were passionate about cooking? Or, how at the start you made all of the craft projects, and did the garden projects? Also, how your first cookbook was written entirely by you?"

Oh God, I forgot all of this! I was so lost in my need to be perfect that I had dismissed who I really was.

"I did write it." My voice becomes calm as a smile spreads across my face. I slowly shake my head in self-acknowledgment.

"Yes, Kookie, you did. The show took off and in came the marketing, big stage, money and tight-ass pants. It's not far from who you are. Your stage personality just got big. I don't think it's a bad thing; because you now reach millions of people and bring them so much joy. But my little brother is no phony. And I am very proud of you, Kookie," he says with a confident tone that makes me smile.

He was right. I had completely forgotten who I was. I had disregarded all the burnt dishes and meals that didn't go right. Yet, Jimin tested them all out of love and support.

He also always told me when something tasted like shit, too. I remember all our Christmas holidays when we cooked in the kitchen together with our mom and just the two of us trailing her around like little puppies . But, he has always encouraged me and he is truly, without a doubt, my biggest fan.

"Jimin, thank you. I had forgotten."

"If you ask me, that hot farmer would be lucky to have you, Kookie," he says with smugness.

Jimin always had a way of grounding me. I'm often so busy that we don't have as much time together outside of a few weekly calls. Tae talked about how his work is a distraction from relationships. I certainly can relate as I take in what Jimin has said.

"Now tell me how are you going to get your man?" Jimin says with a bit of enthusiasm in his voice. I feel hopeful as his unshakeable belief in me is apparent.

"What? You really think I-I could get him?" I stammer as I lean forward while gently chewing my lip.

"Start with just getting to know him, Kookie, outside of the show. You'll soon know if there's something there, or not. Let him know you. Not the Hollywood you, but the normal guy you, that is under the stage makeup, perfect hair and tight-ass pants."

I feel something different rise within me. It's hopefulness. I feel a sense of calm come over me and a willingness to believe that I can do this. I can get to know Kim Taehyung and ask him out on a date.

"Kookie, its only 7:30 p.m., call him. Have a conversation with him. Let him see that you're a regular guy. Don't talk about the show. Show a sincere interest in him," Jimin says as my skin tingles all over and my smile returns.

"Yeah, I think I can do that. Why am I so nervous?"

"Because you're a regular guy Kookie."

I return to my room after a good meal at my little hotel's restaurant. How nice it would have been to enjoy sharing it with a loving partner. The tastefully decorated dining area and its ocean view with the sun setting created a romantic atmosphere. It was all so perfect except the missing piece, a loving partner. All this talk about having someone special has me thinking, I don't want to be alone.

I'd like a loving mate to share my life with. Someone I could start a family with. He'd have to have a love and appreciation for good food, however. I certainly don't mind doing most of the cooking.

My mind drifts to Kookie as I enter my hotel room. I plop down on the bed and stare up at the ceiling crossing my arms over my chest. I smile releasing an audible sigh.

I have to let this fantasy go and get real about meeting a normal guy. I then think about the pictures on the wall in Kookie's office. They tell a different story.

A story of man that cares and considers others. I like that story. Those are certainly qualities I'd like in my special someone. Now just add children, loving animals and looking as good as Kookie does in those tight-ass pants and there you have him, my someone. I chuckle to myself as my phone vibrates.

I don't recognize the number as I answer the call. "Hello."

"Hi. Tae? This is Kookie."

I shoot up into a sitting position quickly swinging my leg over the side. My heart drops into my stomach as I grip the bed's edge with my free hand.

"Mr. Jeon, I-I mean, hi uh, Kookie." I stutter as my mind races.

"How are you Tae? I-I hope it's not too l-late?" he says and then clears his throat.

His voice is friendly with a bit of apprehension. I eagerly wait for his next words. Oh God, he asked me a question. Ok, just relax Tae and say something.

"I'm doing well and no, it's not t-too late, uh Kookie." Fuck, what does he want? Why is he calling me?

"Oh, that's good, Tae. I didn't want to disturb you," he says followed by an awkward pause.

Should I speak? What should I say? Oh God what does he want? Surely, he doesn't follow up with all of his guests? Well, he is a good man. Of course, he doesn't. He then speaks.

"I-I was just calling to uh, tell you, uh, you forgot your gift basket. Jin said you liked it and I, I mean we want to make sure you get it," he says with a little wobble in his voice.

What the fuck? He is calling me about my gift basket! Shit! I should have called the show. Now I look like an ungrateful bastard. I can't tell him I was so blown away by my experience and him that I lost all thought of anything else. Of course, not. Say something Tae.

"Uh, yes, thank you again, Kookie. I love the basket. I could go for one of those cakes right now." Idiot! What the hell am I talking about? I'm talking with Kookie.

I then hear a cute little giggle and I smile. "Tae, did you have dinner?"

What? He is asking me about dinner. Okay, I can do this. I'm being too slow with my response. I must sound silly. Relax. I swallow and reach for an open bottle of water at my bedside. My mouth feels as if it's full of cotton.

"Well, yes, I did, Kookie," I say relaxing my grip on the bed's edge.

"What did you have for dinner, Tae, if I might ask?" There a softness to his voice. I immediately start to relax.

I'm reminded of how comfortable our conversation flowed on his show. It was as if I was talking to someone I'd known for years. I close my eyes, pull in a deep breath, slowly release it and share.

"I had Prime Rib with Herbes de Provence Crust."

"Now Tae, you know I want to hear the entire meal. We are both lovers of good food," he says playfully followed by that cute little giggle. Again I smile.

Unexpectedly my heart flutters. He is interested in hearing more. I thought he was just being the nice guy that he is.

I only told him the main course so he did not feel trapped in a conversation. I'm sure he has lots to do. He's a busy man.

I grab my water bottle and take another sip, nervously spilling some of it on me as my hands tremble. I softly chuckle in response to his giggle that is too adorable.

I take in a breath.

"For starters I had a Shaved Beet Salad with Herbs and Ricotta Salata."

"It wasn't too heavy on the lemon juice, was it? I hate that." He says.

I smile as I remember who I'm talking to. His voice is incredibly friendly and inquisitive. I relax more as I respond.

"No, Kookie, if fact it was a bit underwhelming. Although delicious, a bit more of lemon zest would have been perfect. However, what can one do when you're not in your own kitchen." I say jokingly.

"Hahahaha!" Kookie surprises me with a laugh as my smile grows wider.

"Go on Tae. I want to hear about this meal. I'll try not to interrupt you but the chef in me can't promise, of course."

I then laugh and continue, "Herbed yeast spoon rolls, which were perfectly risen, coriander-maple glazed carrots and garlic mashed potatoes that were to die for. The prime rib was perfect and it was a very good meal. Uh, thanks for asking."

"Oh God, that sounds wonderful Tae but what about the dessert? You can't have a good meal like that without dessert." He says followed by a sweet chuckle.

Ahh, yes the dessert. How could I forget?

"Kookie you'll like this because I know you love chocolate, as do I. I had a large slice of decadent chocolate espresso pie," I say feeling almost completely relaxed.

Kookie immediately and loudly gasps. "Oh, I'm sorry Tae. You know I'm a whore for chocolate," He says and rewards me again with that sweet giggle.

We both laugh.

The conversation with Kookie is so natural that I forget how nervous I was just moments ago.

There is an awkward pause and I expect that he will take the opportunity to graciously end the conversation now that I've told him about my complete meal.

"Tae, do you always eat so well?"

Oh my God, I think he wants a conversation beyond being friendly. Well, we will be spending the holiday together. It all feels so normal.

Almost like a conversation I might have with my brother. However, just not about food. The more we talk, the less I feel the weight of his celebrity status. I like that, a lot.

"No, Kookie, I don't. I love all the food I prepare, or should I say you prepare."

Again, I hear his giggle. It's so natural and relaxed. I can't help but to smile in response to it. I think of how nice it would have been to have dined with him tonight. Good food and good conversation. We could be friends, or maybe more.

"I have my moments where I'll have that greasy cheeseburger and French fries and even pizza. I hope you don't hold that against me, Kookie," I say with a chuckle. Oh God did I just flirt with him?

"Hahahaha!" He laughs and I feel warm all over.

"Tae, I trust you and I have a secret," he says with a lowered voice as if he's seeking my sincere confidence.

"No, not you, Kookie!" I say as if I'm surprised and follow it with a soft chuckle.

"Yes, me, Tae. I have an occasional Fatty burger."

I gasp dramatically. "Oh no, Kookie, the horror. I'm going to have to immediately resign my position as president of your fan club!"

"Tae, it gets worse. I like it with extra cheese and bacon." he says in the sexiest voice.

"Oh God! No! Just a second while I take you off your pedestal."

"Hahahaha!" We both laugh deeply and loudly. The conversation is fun and rich. I don't want it to end. We both then go quiet.

"Tae, it's been nice talking to you this evening. I-I enjoyed it." He says softly as I sit stunned and speechless. "I have your gift basket in my office and I hope to see you after your meeting with Jin tomorrow."

What the fuck! He enjoyed our conversation and he's looking forward to seeing me tomorrow? I immediately caution myself about reading too much into his words. It was a nice conversation, with a good man, who is sincere. I take a risk and express a bit more than a simple good night.

"Thanks Kookie, and I-I too enjoyed our conversation. I also look forward to seeing you tomorrow."

"Good night, Tae."