Previously-

Covering my eyes, what i could see was the scent of a dream that had faded into winter.

If only i this dream of mine could have stayed in a summer like bliss forever. I could feel my nails scarping against my skin.

Naruto.

You will always be my shining sun, even if you do not want to shine for me.

_____________________

Now-

---Naruto---

I was sitting cross legged on my floor looking at the balcony Gaara made for me. It made no sense to me. Soft steps told me the he was coming up my steps. I didn't move though. If i looked at him it would only make everything hurt more.

"Naruto, i need to leave for a little while." He's leaving. I wonder if he is going to come back this time. Will this be the last time i hear his voice? Against my gut i turned to look at him. "I wont be gone to long, i just have to get some more- well, you already know what i am leaving to go get." He stood there for awhile longer just watching me with he wonderful jade green eyes. The very same green eyes which cause my none beating heart to want to shatter and break. Then he looked away and left. I stood up but didn't move for another minute. The quiet just seemed so heavy, i wasn't even sure i could move for a second there. I walked down my stairs trailing my hand over he beautiful craftsmanship. Gaara was alway good with his hands. This thought crossed my mind and stopped. His long pale fingers were alway good at so many things.... I bit my lip and dashed down the steps at a speed that would have left a human seeing nothing but a blur. Down the steps out of the cave he carved with so much care and to the babbling brook. I crashed down to my hands and my knees and let out a cry so soft and low not even the wind could hear. Everything is wrong and messed up. This wasnt how t was supposed to be.

We were supposed to be happy!

We were supposed to be together!

He was supposed to hold me so tight i think i might not be able to breath!

He was supposed to cover me in kisses that have me seeing stars that aren't in the sky!

I clutched at the grass so tightly in my fists i thought i might end up ripping it clean out of the ground. I dry sob dragged itself through my body.

He was supposed to love me.

I cried. Tears falling as i got the chance to finally let the pain i was suffering from out. I didnt want gaara to see or hear me. If he was sticking around out of guilt i didnt want to add to it. It dont want him to stay out of guilt. Or do I? I cant tell at all. I want him close by. It hurts when he is here, but it hurts more when he's not. It painful. i know that, to a normal person that if it was hurting this much you would want to do anything to get over it. That this sort of relationship is unhealthy. Its no good. I cant though. I love him. Like some sort of pitiful fucking puppy i just seem to stick around even after getting kicked, the occasion gentle looks or pets i received made it all worth it. Gaara kept his word about the whole weaning me off of blood. It left me thirsty on top of my already emotional wrecked state. Now though? now im scared to get better at controlling myself. If i get better will he start to love me again, or am i only shorting the time we have together? Dammit! I dont know! Im so fucking confused, nothing makes sense anymore, nothing is easy or simple and im struggling and fighting myself for control when it should be mine naturally. I want to hug gaara, i want to kiss him and tell him to whisper in my ear and tell me how wonderful i am, i want him hold me tight and make me forget about everything. I want to hear him laugh. It feels like i can't even remember what it sounds like. I want to see his smile. Hear him talking about what project he wants to do next. I want my gaara back! A couple nights passed and he still hadnt come back. I wasnt to surprised though. We were a long way off from civilization. I wasnt sure how far he would have to travel to find blood. Still my thoughts wouldnt leave me alone and i kept coming back to thinking about him. About how i wanted to touch his skin, and feel his once familiar fingers trail down my spine as holds me close. How I want to feel his breath on my neck and hear him give his little chuckle and smirk as he nibbles at my ear. How I want to see his flawless green eyes looking at me as though his life depended upon memorizing every inch of my skin. I wanted feel his hand in mine and his fingers twined around with mine. I want run my hands along his back and feel the ripple of his muscles. Oh god, i want him to hold me, to gently love me. I let my head fall back and i could feel the moon light falling onto my eyes. I opened my eyes and found that i had a problem in my pants. I bit my lip again. This is all- its all- it so fucking !!!!!

Im Thirsty, and horny, and lonely, and the person i care about more than anything in the world, the person i basically died for, is not here. I looked down. I could let it simply go away. I could, but i didnt want to. I want to indulge myself, just for a little while. I want to believe if only for few minutes or an hour, that gaara still loves me. Even if its a lie. Is this wrong? I asked myself briefly asked i reached down in my pants and pulled my member out, letting out a hiss as the cool night breeze hit it. Maybe. But i honestly cant take this anymore. Im a mess, and i give up. Im strong, but even strong people Have weak moments. So right now, in this moment, im gaara's lover again.

___________________________