I wait inside my room listening for any sign of Gavin arriving home. I knew he would come over because that's what he usually does. He'll come over and tell me all these sweet nothings, but that's all they meant to me now, nothing.

I have this horrible ache in my chest that's causing me to worry. It's telling me that I knew something wasn't right all along but I chose to ignore it. I was blinded by the feeling of someone giving me the slightest bit of attention. I ignored the truth for temporary happiness.

The sound of his car pulling into his driveway causes me to spring up from my position and I start mentally preparing myself for what's to come.

After a couple of minutes I hear footsteps approaching my door and it opens. Gavin walks in and gives me a smug smile. I nervously look away, I don't know where to begin?

"Hey how are feeling?" He asks collapsing on my bed.

"Good well, actually, Ash came over today." I say fiddling with my blanket. "Yeah he told me Zach's side of the story, about Mia."

Gavin gets up and slowly turns to look at me. "Zach's side of the story?"

"Did you lie to me? You told me Mia and Zach made a bet behind your back but now I'm hearing you and Mia made a bet and I just need to know the truth." I say holding back the tears that are trying to break free.

"Ash said this? The guy who's literally against everything I do?" Gavin stands up and I get off the bed and approach him. "I didn't lie-"

"Why am I not believing you?" I mutter.

I look into his eyes but they weren't the same eyes I've always looked into before.

"That night I told you about Mia, it wasn't my story it was Zach's." Gavin sighs and looks at me. "I didn't want to lose you."

"Then what's the real story? Your story?" I choke on my words and sit on the bed. I was already losing all my energy.

"You want to know the real story?" Gavin throws his arms up in frustration. "Mia met Zach that same summer I met her at Mabel's and she told me all about what was going on between them. So I messed around with her behind Zach's back for the fun of it. Then one night Mia goes and tells me she's in love with him. I fucked her just to prove to her she wasn't and that ends up with me taking her fucking virginity. Then I left without giving a shit because I didn't care. I moved on to the next desperate girl and then she died."

I feel the tears grazing down the sides of my face and I wipe them away. So he really was the monster everybody warned me about.

"There's the truth are you happy now?"

"You said you didn't care for her but why would you care about her loving someone else?" I let out the words. "You did care."

"No I didn't." He snaps at me and then realizes he's getting a little too angry.

I was never afraid of Gavin even if he got aggressive at times, my heart trusted him, which was my mistake.

"All you've ever done was drown me in your lies. You made him seem like the monster and this delusion of who I thought you were was shattered by the truth of who you are." I hide my face in my hands and then look back up at him. "I didn't want to fall in love, I didn't need someone because this is what happens especially when you try your best nothing will ever be enough."

"Your enough Alex, you weren't my first kiss but you were the kiss that mattered. The kiss that made me realize I never wanted to kiss anyone else. I fell in love with you because of the million things you never knew you were doing to me." He runs his hands through his hair and I know he wants to hold me or do anything to feel me but it would hurt the both of us.

"Were you ever going to tell me the truth or were you going to keep feeding me lies, making me look stupid in front of my friends, my family? That's why you never trusted Zach whenever he was around me you thought he'd get his revenge for what you did with Mia and that's why you never told anyone we were serious, so he wouldn't know."

"I wanted to tell you what really happened and I promised myself I would eventually. The first time I took you to Shadow Lake you looked so vulnerable and I thought it would be easy to just fuck you right there and then never speak to you again, I felt this weird feeling between us the first time we kissed and I freaked out which was the reason why I wanted to get rid of you in the first place. You scared me because I was telling you things I couldn't even tell myself. You were making me feel things I never felt before and I didn't like it-"

Here comes the truth, did I even want to hear it? How could I trust him? He wanted to do the same thing to me he's done to every other girl.

"People were asking about us at school because I kept bringing you to all those damn parties, that's when I thought, what the hell was I doing keeping you around like that? I denied everything telling me I wanted you around for a reason. But I was getting jealous of you hanging around Zach all the time, I was also the one who put out that video of you humiliating yourself on your date. Once I finally told you how I felt you rejected me so I told everyone I was babysitting you and that you were into that kinda kinky shit-"

I swallow the lump in my throat.

"I fucked up and neglected you, I put myself above you and I didn't care about the consequences. Things changed the night of the party at Shadow Lake and it wasn't because you had drunkenly told me you had cancer it's because even after everything I had done you let me take you home. I know you probably think I'm used to that sort of thing but it's different with you." He pauses and gently grabs my hand. I melt when I feel his warmth but then I pull it away.

"I was lying to you about everything because you were never supposed to mean this much to me. You would have left me the second I told you the truth so maybe I selfishly waited to tell you because I knew the longer we were together the harder it would be for you to let me go."

"If you really loved me you wouldn't have waited, you would have told me sooner especially when you knew how sick I was getting. Losing you would be a nightmare but loving you might just be worse." I cry out and it hurts every bone in my body to do so. Is this what he's waited for? When I'm at my weakest point, when I was in pain. "You said you were afraid to lose me." I build up the courage to speak but I can't look at him without crying. "Face your fears and leave."

Gavin steps closer to me and I take two steps back. Was I wrong for being angry with him? Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, who would have thought this close to Christmas and my surgery I would have the courage to walk away from the best thing that's ever happened to me.

"Please, Alex don't do this." His voice is low and I can tell at any moment he'll just snap because that's what he does when he doesn't get his way.

I stay quiet and continue to wipe away the tears staining my cheeks. Even after lying to me he had the decency to take away something I'll never be able to get back. He was a stranger with all my secrets and I'm not sure if he's to blame for making me better or worse.

"If you don't leave I'll just leave myself." I finally say. "We both know how that'll end."

Gavin nods his head and makes his way out of my room.

My mother walks in shortly after and sees me crying into my pillow as a result. I don't think anyone really knows how to comfort someone during a heartbreak especially when your also dying of cancer. The two things should never mix which is what my doctor always told me, it was never a good idea to start dating anyone, I stupidly did it anyway.

I didn't get any sleep because I cried the whole night. The next morning my mom made this nice breakfast for the both of us but my appetite was gone so I didn't touch a single thing.

My face was swollen from crying so much and I tried my best to feel better by watching Christmas movies but nothing worked. His smile, his laugh and his stupid face ran through my thoughts like and endless cycle on repeat.

Christmas Day came and it wasn't any different. The dark cloud over my head has definitely made a reappearance.

I stood in the shower letting the warm water run down my aching body as I tried to wash him away. Every kiss and touch he's ever planted on my body. I felt disgusting and humiliated. If only I knew the truth before as to why people would laugh at me, he made me a joke.

I step out of the shower and change into some Christmas pajamas my mother bought me. As I look inside my closet I see Gavin's sweatshirt and a couple of his shirts left behind.

Without thinking I pick up his sweatshirt. His scent was still left behind in it I'm tempted to wear it just so I could feel like this was all a dream again. I toss it back into the closet and head downstairs.

"I found this with the mail." My mom closes the door behind her, a cold breeze from outside manages to escapes through. "It doesn't have a name in it but it says to Alex."

I take it from her hands and look down at the red wrapped box. I walk into the living room and take a seat on the couch. It could be from anyone?

I lift the top open and I find a paper inside. I don't look at what else is inside yet and take the paper out and unfold it. My eyes instantly tear up again as I look at the drawing. It was me, I've never seen such detail in person before and I can't help but know who this is from.

Gavin's never shown me his drawings before.

My fingertips graze over the drawing and I put it down to see what else is inside the box. I pull out a maroon leather jacket with the words "I want to be your darkest everything" stitched into the back. It was a quote from Frida Kahlo and this was a leather jacket I've talked to Peyton about months ago.

This couldn't have been cheap.

My best friend was just the best wasn't she?

Although I knew in my heart this wasn't from her.

"That's so nice." My mom says. "Who's it from?"

I shrug. "No clue."

"Well here open my gift." She hands me a box from under the tree and I unwrap it.

"What is this?" I take out the pair of keys inside.

"Well I've been saving up for a while now and I found a really good deal on a Range Rover." She brings a smile to her lips. "It's been waiting outside for you."

"Your kidding? I don't even have my license." I remind her.

"Not yet, I wanted to get you a car so you'll have one for when you decide to head off to college." I see her getting emotional now. My mother and I never discussed college before.

"Thank you." I wish I could hug her I also wish I could go outside and see my car but I'll have to wait until tomorrow.

*knock* *knock*

I wonder who that could be?