I kissed Chase.

Why did I kiss Chase?

I have been asking myself that question for the past 20 minutes, laying in bed, throwing the football in my hands and catching it again. And again. And again.

Fuck!

I grasp the ball in both hands.

"I kissed Chase." I say it aloud this time. Just to see how the words will feel. To see if saying them out loud makes it real.

It's real.

I kissed Chase and I don't know how that's supposed to make me feel. Because what makes a straight guy with a girlfriend want to kiss another straight guy? And what makes that straight guy kiss the other back?

That's when it hits me.

I quickly sit up in bed, abandoning the ball and run my hands through my brown hair.

"What have I fucking done?!"

I cheated on my girlfriend. With a fucking guy nonetheless. Imagine how she's going to react. Rachel's already the jealous type and if she finds out I kissed someone else I'm screwed.

And that's when she calls me.

Her name flashes across my phone, the ring shattering the panicked silence. I let it ring, and ring and ring until it stops.

I don't have it in me to talk to her right now. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell her. Because how am I supposed to explain why I kissed Chase in the first place when I can't even explain it to myself? Grunting in frustration, I launch the football to the other side of my room causing some of my trophies to fall over.

I keep thinking about Chase because it seems he's the only thing my mind can think of right now. The kiss had only lasted a little while yet I can recall everything that happened in those short few seconds and can't help but graze my fingers over my lips at the memory.

The same hand he used to punch me in the jaw was the same hand he used to gently pull me closer to him. I never knew his touch could be so delicate and his kisses be so sweet.

It felt wrong.

But in a good type of way, like breaking a rule or watching something you're not supposed to.

But I have a girlfriend who I really care about and may even love. She's the one I'm supposed to be with. She's the one I want, but Chase and the events that happened today still preoccupy my mind.

I try to convince myself that the reason I kissed him was to distract him. I wanted him to stop saying all the stuff he was saying. And because I'm dumb I kissed him and then ran like some fucking idiot.

How stupid can I be?

He told me his brother hits him. He told me his mum left. He told me his dad is in prison. He fucking told me he was suicidal and I ran!

I fucking ran!

What if he did something to himself? I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he did something.

With sudden panic and fear influencing my actions, I push myself out of bed, run downstairs and ignore my mum asking me where I'm going.

I need to find him.

*

Chase wouldn't be at his house. I know that for a fact. He wouldn't go back to his lunatic brother not when he pulled out a knife. But I'm here at the bridge we were at earlier and there's no signs of him. I'm not going to look down at the river below because I know he didn't do it. He wouldn't.

The only place left is school.

It's getting late, the school gates are closed but he's by the entrance anyway, leaning on the locked gates.

With a joint in his hand.

"You said you would never smoke." I say, he notices me then.

He looks at the joint in his hands as if he just noticed what he's doing and drops it like it just caught on fire. We watch the glow at the end of the blunt burn out and he stuffs his hands in to his school trouser pockets.

"I-I don't know why I did that." He doesn't look me in the eye, like he's ashamed of himself.

"It's just-I don't want you to turn out like your brother or dad for that matter. You're better than that, than them."

"Sometimes I doubt it."

"Well don't. There is so much more out there for you. You are so much more than this. You are smarter than they are and a whole lot stronger too."

"Nate." He says my name the same way you would say a child's whose dreams are too big. He thinks I'm lying.

"You're better than this." I repeat.

"Why are you even here?" He asks and I'm a little taken back by his harsh tone. "You left."

"I was worried about you." I say truthfully.

"Stop Nate. It's starting to sound like you actually care about me." He tries to play it off like it was a joke but I can hear the disbelief in his tone.

"Maybe I do." I answer and I'm shocked by how shy I've suddenly become. I can barely look him in the eyes when I say "Maybe the whole reason I came back to look for you is because I care about you. Perhaps a little bit more than I should."

It's true. I do care about him. How else can I explain that weird feeling I get when I see him hurt?

When I do finally look at him, he looks surprised.

Then I feel that tug towards him. And all of a sudden I want to kiss him again. I don't know why. I just want to. And I think he can tell because I keep looking at his lips and when I'm certain he isn't going to make a move I do it instead.

I grab his face and kiss him. Again.

Although this time it's different. The second his lips touch mine I know exactly what I'm doing.

I'm kissing Chase.

And I don't want to stop but he had a blunt in his hands and the harsh smell of weed is on his lips.

I pull away.

"I would have kissed you longer if you hadn't tasted of weed."

He looks at me wide-eyed and I notice he's blushing. And then I start to blush. Now that I think of it, we haven't actually talked about all the kissing. I don't even know how he feels about all of this. Hell, I don't even know how I feel.

The awkwardness sinks in and I don't know what to do with myself so I mirror his actions and stuff my hands in my trouser pockets.

"So erm what do we do now? Go back to hating each other?" He asks hesitantly.

"I don't want that."