--- 32 ---

PAUL:

It didn’t seem right. The moment I pulled back and stared into her light brown eyes, I knew I had made a mistake. The thing I called love wasn’t exactly love. It was just the attraction. Just the liking that had developed through me when of all the people, Andy had welcomed me. And what had I done? Betrayed her. She took me as a friend and she loved me as a friend and where did my shame went when I whispered ‘I love you’ and kissed her?

But it felt so much like love!

Her beautiful eyes were locked with mine and the tears were oozing out and rolling down. I made her cry! She shook a bit, calming down her sobbed breaths and then spoke. “Please… Paul… I beg you… don’t do this…”

“I’m sorry Andy… I couldn’t help myself.” I really was sorry for everything. I don’t know how I was supposed to feel. I closed my eyes, pulled myself straight and walked out of her room. I knew she had broken down and was crying out the tears that had been buried in her for the past month and my heart ached to see that I was the reason behind it.

As the guilt pour deep down in my heart, I walked to my room and shut the door with a smack. I turned around and found my dad standing across the bed, facing the closed door of the balcony, staring at it blankly. I didn’t break the silence maybe because I was shocked to see him here or maybe I was angry at everything. He took time to turn and walked to me. For the first time in years, I was facing my dad and really looking at him. His young handsome face looked old and worn and his sparkling green eyes, like mine, were blank. Overall, he didn’t looked forty-six at all.

“I’ve been meaning to tell you something for a long time Paul but I couldn’t get myself to say it. And now its time I’d confess my sin.”

“Sin, huh? If this sin has anything to do with your unkind attitude towards me… then save it dad. I don’t need your apology. I don’t care anymore.” I said curtly because suddenly there was anger filling in me like water filling up a glass.

“But I care Paul, I care for everything. I’ve not been the best dad to you and you can hate me for that but it doesn’t mean I didn’t care for you or thought about you.” He sighed, withdrawing his glance from me and turned asides. “I’ve loved you more than Austin, maybe you don’t know that and that love made me selfish.” He closed his eyes and I could feel the pain visibly wash over him. “I became so selfish I ruined your life.”

“What are you talking about?” watching his pain I felt my anger fading away.

“I ordered Karen to stay away from you.”

Suddenly the room started to close in, knocking the breath out of me. I wasn’t in my room anymore. All I could see was Karen walking out of our apartment door without turning back but I heard her sob. “She left me…” I whispered out the breath.

“She left you because I told her to. I needed you back.” he turned to me and put his hands over my shoulder maybe tightly but I couldn’t feel them because suddenly my world went numb. “You have any idea how painful it was to watch you moving away like that! Did you, for once, ever think about us?”

“You told her to leave…” was all I could get out in a whisper. I couldn’t see him standing in front of me but Karen’s beautiful face and her voice ringing in my ears. ‘I’m leaving Paul…I don’t need you anymore. You’ve nothing to give me or my child…’ “No!” she never meant any of it! She was forced to…

“I’m sorry Paul, I had no other way. I’ve always been selfish.”

My sight got focused, fixing upon his face. “Selfish! You Made Her Leave Me!” I shouted out the anger which was boiling in my veins. I pushed him away forcefully. “You Ruined My Whole Damn Life and you call yourself Selfish!” my voice, although a shout, trembled by the lump in my throat and tears that were building up in my eyes because of the ache in my heart. “You’re a –—” I gritted my teeth to keep the words in. whatever I would say to him could never change what was done. “You still ignored me Dad! I was back wasn’t I? That was what you wanted! But still you ignored me!”

“I couldn’t face you.” He looked away from me. “I’ve made so many mistakes.”

My eyes burned with the tears that were so close to escape. Everything inside me had crushed the same way it had two years ago when she left. “So what do you want me to do? Huh!? Forgive you!?”

He closed his eyes, drinking in the pain and guilt that was all over him and a tear trickle down his cheek. Besides the deadly anger and rage that I felt at him, his tear pierced through my heart. Never in my life had I seen him so weak and full of guilt. For a moment I wanted to hug him, because he was my dad who I loved. He looked at me and I felt like my insides were melting. He was the same dad who held my hand while crossing our school road when I was six.

‘Dad, I can cross it. I’m big enough.’ I’d always told him, embarrassed by the glares of other students.

‘I know you’re old enough Paul but I’m afraid to cross the road all alone.’ He’d tell me and give me a heartily smile.

He was the same dad who’d always come running home when ever I had a minor flu, bringing loads of toys. He was the same dad who sat me down when he’d caught me doing drugs and talked to me about it without raising his voice or getting angry. And what did I do? Never listened to him, became reckless, and kept on with the drugs… left my family…

“Bring her back.” his words sucked the remaining breath out of me. My head started spinning.

“Why?” my voice trembled badly by the tears. I didn’t know what I felt anymore. Angry or whelmed.

“I don’t know why I did all that and I don’t want forgiveness… I just want them back.” he stepped closer. “…a few weeks before you showed up… I got to know about your—your son…”

My rough breath got caught between my lungs. “I have a son…” I whispered out, trying to find my lost breath.

“…only if I know you were going to be a father, I would never—”

“I have a son, dad?” a stream of hot tear poured out of my eye. My legs shook with happiness, my heart that ached before pounded with excitement. Dad gave a little nod, bowing his head down. Something inside me was growing so strong that I felt I’d collapse. “Can I hug you dad?” I bit my lip to keep myself from crying.

He looked up and his eye sparkled, partly from the happiness and partly by the tears that rolled down. I grasped his forearm and pulled forcefully and wrapped my arms around him tightly. His hands around me felt like heaven. I suddenly realized how much I’ve missed his embrace. How much I’ve missed being close to him. How much have I missed him…

“I remember I was almost your age when I first held you in my arms and you grasped my finger in your tiny little new born fingers... I was the happiest person. I’m sorry for everything.” He whispered and I felt his tear dripping down on my shirt.

“No dad. I’m sorry. I pushed myself away from you.” I buried my head on his shoulder.

“The Dallas penthouse… bring my daughter-in-law and my grandson back, Paul.”

I pulled myself back. “I will. Right now.”

“Thank you.”

“I love you dad.”

“Love you too son… always have, always will.” He smiled and I hugged him once more and rushed out. She’s had always been so close! The penthouse in Dallas was a gift form dad to me when I had turned seventeen but right after that I ran away. I never saw it and now my life was there.

Just as I walked past Andy’s room, the guilt crept in my veins. I stopped and waited for a long time, fighting in my mind about what ever I had done. I screwed up everything! She trusted me so much and I broke it. Slowly I moved closer, inhaling a lot of air, I grasped on the door knob. What will I tell her? That I’m sorry I kissed her and I wasn’t in love with her? I gritted my teeth over my stupidity, resting my forehead against the door. I ruined everything!

I waited for another minute then slowly turned the knob and pushed the door. It opened without any creak. I stepped in and found her lying on the bed, curled up, face buried in the pillow. Maybe she was sleeping but all the lights were on. Closing the door behind me slowly and soundlessly, I walked closer and kneeled down beside the bed.

She was sleeping soundly but I could see the tears dried over her cheek. I slowly brushed off the lock of hair from her face. I had once seen Karen’s face in her… maybe I was in love with that, not her.

“I’m sorry Andy…” I whispered, taking her hand in mine that was hanging down. I rubbed my thumb over the platinum ring she wore on the third finger of left hand. The guilt burned my face. How could I do that to my own brother? “He’ll come through Andy. I’ve seen it in his eyes… he still loves you. You’ll find a way I know that.” I looked at her face and remember how her lips had felt against mine. Soft and sweet but it wasn’t meant to be that way. “I’m so sorry Andy. I don’t know what came over me. I wish I could explain.” I wanted to wake her up and tell her everything. Tell her how sorry I was and tell her that I was bringing back my son. I remembered she had cried when I told her about Karen. Maybe she’ll understand… she’ll understand why I did all that and maybe she’ll forgive me.

I rested her hand on the bed and pulled the blanket over her. I stood up and walked out of the room, turning the lights out on my way.

ANDY:

I woke up as the sun light glittered in my room through the open curtain. I brought the blanket over my face because I didn’t want to wake up. Every part of me wished I had dreamt all that. I wished I dreamt about last night… Paul… dinner… kiss… ‘…I love you Andy. I really do…’

“This is not happening to me!” I groaned and sat up. I needed to talk to Paul about it. He can’t be serious! This isn’t a joke! I hopped off the bed and went to the bathroom. As the hot water ran down my body, I thought about what I was gonna say to him. I got out, dried myself, changed into fresh clothes and walked out. I walked to his room and knocked but when he didn’t answer I opened the door and walked in. he wasn’t in his bed. Maybe he woke up. Or maybe he never slept thinking about last night that he made a mistake.

I walked to the bathroom. “Paul? You in there?” he didn’t answer. “Look I need to talk to you…” I stopped because I felt dumb talking to the door. I waited for him to come out but he wasn’t in there. Maybe he went out. I waited for him all day long…

And the next day…

The day after… but he never came. I didn’t know what to think or do! I didn’t know how to feel anymore… it was like I was left in the altar by the man I didn’t wanna marry but I missed him because I liked him. I liked him because he was my best friend. I liked him because he was Paul…

A tear rolled down and dripped on my knee. I was sitting on an easy chair in my balcony, staring at the sky that was growing dark another day had gone like it meant nothing and Paul hadn’t come back from wherever he went. I felt angry at him for leaving like this. I was angry at myself for being so miserable! First Austin and now Paul! Don’t I mean anything to them!? I groaned clutching my hair tightly in between my fingers and pressed me head on the knees. I felt like my head will explode.

Not knowing what I was going to do, I got up and rushed to Austin’s room. He was lying on the couch, eyes closed, listening music. I snatched his headphones out. “Where is he?” I fired.

He gave me a puzzled looked and stood up slowly. “I don’t know.” he whispered I felt his cool breath on my face. My heart skipped a beat as I realized he stood really close to me. In so many weeks, this was the first time we were standing like this. Maybe he felt it too so he stepped away. Disappointment washed over me making my blood boil.

“It’s all your fault Austin!” I half shouted. When he didn’t turn, I stepped in front of me, looking in his eyes. He didn’t glared back, but just looked. “You forced Paul to marry me and now he’s gone! Why the hell are you doing this huh?” he looked away from my eyes. My heart ached. “Why are you pretending to hate me?” I bit my lip as my voice came out weak and stumbled.

His glance quickly returned, intense this time and locked with my eyes. “I don’t hate you.”

“I know that!” I shrugged off my weak stumbling tone. I was going to fight back and I had to stay strong. Maybe three days ago the dinner wasn’t my battlefield and my plan wasn’t my victory but Paul’s, but this; I felt was my battle and I’d have to fight it right now either to get together with Austin or lose him forever… “You can’t even if you want to!”

“What I want for you is to marry someone better than me.” his cool attitude and intense look wasn’t going along but it pissed me. Who the hell was he to decide for me!?

“And you thought Paul was better?! How is he any better than you when he tells me he loves me and kisses me and then leaves without another word!?” my chest rose and fell as I glared at him as his intense look pour down in me. “He left, you see? Just like you. But I won’t beg for him to come back because I don’t want him! I want you.”

“Don’t you understand?” he gritted his teeth as his voice started to rise. “I’m not good enough for you!” he said in a hushed tone.

“Don’t!” I shouted. “Don’t start that ‘I’m not good for you’ talk with me okay! I don’t care what you are! I just need you.”

“But I care! Okay? I’ve done nothing but to hurt you. You think you’ll survive after breaking over and over? And you want to drag this baby along to my hell!?” he breathed aggressively.

“So you think I’ll survive alone in this hell with our baby?”

“No Andy! You won’t be able to live with me. Not you… not this kid.”

His words pierced all the way through my heart to my belly creating an uneasy feeling. “This kid! So now Our baby is ‘This Kid’! You know why I’m even bothering to carry this kid? Because it’s yours and I love you!” I stopped for a second to catch my breath, trying not to blink because the tears were just right on the corner, ready to slip away. “And you know why I love you? ‘cause you made me to!” I raised my left hand up, showing him the third finger. “Remember this?” he glared at the silver platinum ring. “Remember how you forced this in my finger even before I said yes to your lame proposal where you didn’t even say as little as ‘I like you’! I could’ve taken it off right then but I didn’t because I started liking you and I wanted to be your fiancée! And I’ll tell you what you did. You made me fall in love with you!”

He stared at me for a second with his intense blue eyes, like fighting in his mind about something and then he closed in a bit, reaching for my raised left hand. “Well that’s too bad ‘cause I don’t love you anymore.” His effortless curt tone made my gut fall.

“That’s not true…” I breathed out, shaking my head. My eyes filling with tears, stared at him blankly. It was like the earth was pulled from beneath my feet. “You’re just saying that——” I stopped abruptly as Austin slipped out the silver ring from my finger. “You can’t take my engagement ring from me Austin Blake Carlson!” I was suddenly shouting. I didn’t know what was happening! My head spun so bad I thought it will explode.

“If I can force you to wear it… then I can even take it back.” whatever he said seemed like it came naturally out of his mouth without him putting any effort. It broke me and crushed me.

“Three weeks I sat beside you, holding your hand… wished for you to wake up, dying to look in your eyes and make you feel me like I felt you…” my voice shook with the tears that were just about to leak any second. “…take that back if you can. Take back those times when you told me you loved me… take back everything Austin! Because if you don’t need me then I guess I won’t need anything you gave me! Not even this kid.”

I saw color drain from his face and his eyes got huge. He opened his mouth to say something but I quickly turned my back to him, hiding my tears that had leaked down, as my own words gashed my heart. “It might’ve been easy for you to make me fall in love with you but it’s much easier for me to hate you.” I walked out of the room biting my lip to hard it started to bleed. The pain it had caused me to say all that was worth it.

I ran to my room, shutting the door behind, sliding down. I wanted to hug myself and let me cry out the pain but suddenly something made my heart stop. For a moment or two I just sat still, so still that I was afraid if I moved, I won’t feel it again. And then it happened again. I felt the baby kick. My first baby kicks! A pleasurable moan escaped my mouth as I brought my hand to my belly. The baby kicked again and this time I felt a wave of current pass through me. I hadn’t lost yet! I have a life in me… Austin’s life.

“It’s alright baby…” I whispered, rubbing my hand slowly over the belly, letting the tears roll down. “I won’t lose you. I never will. You’re everything to me. Your dad needed to hear that to get his brain back. It was the only way he would understand how much he’ll need you…”

**************

The next day I woke up, I was smiling to myself all the time because I knew last night I had won my battle. I knew I’ve got Austin back. After I had curled up in my bed, not crying anymore, I knew Austin came in my room. I wanted him to say my name so I’d open my eyes. I knew what he would say but he just stayed there, maybe fighting in his mind whether or not to wake me. I felt him leaning closer and then pulling back but he didn’t say anything. And long time later I really fell asleep and maybe he left too.

After taking a long hot relaxing shower and getting dressed, I walked out of my room and went down finding cold lingering quietness like always. Without having the breakfast I stepped out into the garage and pulled out the sheet from the car that Austin’s mom had gifted me when I moved in with him. My heart thudded hard as I thought about it. How things had changed since I moved in with him. We fought, we teased but in the end… we fell in love.

A smile curled around my lip. I settled in the car and started the engine. I didn’t know how I was I going to do it and face all those staring eyes but it’ll soon be alright. I pulled the car out of the garage to the drive way and then out on the road. It was wet from the raining which had stopped now but the sun was still hiding behind the thick dark rain clouds.

I wasn’t even a mile away when I saw a figure in the rearview mirror running behind the car, waving hands in the air like retards, shouting something which sounded like my name. I hit the brake and got out quickly. “Andy Stop!” Austin shouted, running towards me crazily.

“Austin? What—” before I could say anything, Austin leaped over me just as he reached me and hugged me so tightly knocking my breath out. He was breathing frantically holding me tightly in his embrace. My face buried in his chest felt his heart pounding out of order.

“Please! Don’t!” his words tangled between his efforts to catch his lost breath, came out aggressively.

“Austin… air… breath…” I tried to say but I could let out. His tight hug blocked the air. My face was going numb.

“I won’t let you do it!”

“Cant Breath Austin!” I shouted against his chest, trying poorly to push him away. He felt like a concrete wall. I raised my foot a little and snapped on his feet as hard as I could. He groaned and quickly backed away.

“What was that for?”