--- 31 ---

PAUL:

Picture, you're the queen of everything

Far as the eye can see under your command

I will be your guardian when all is crumbling

I'll steady your hand

In the far end of my mind I’m holding her so close to me to never let her go. I’m tried to feel her close to me but failing every time. She is all there, all for me now but not there at all, not for me ever.

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

I ripped the ear plugs out of my ears, throwing the iPod away. It smashed on the wall with a tiny crush and slipped under the couch. I took my face in my hands, gritting away the anger, my pain was causing me. I can’t let her go… I don’t want to but I have nothing to hold on to!

It was happening all over again… like it happened with Karen. My lost life. My gone love. But now I think I wasn’t in love with her anymore… Andy was all I ever thought about now. It was driving me crazy. I slept and woke up with her on my mind ever single day. I didn’t think about how to get her because I practically had her ever since Austin backed out from the marriage but what was so nerving about the whole thing were Andy’s emotionless attitude.

It was like somebody had pulled out emotions out of her. She was always there but just wasn’t there. She smiled; she laughed silently but never cried. I never saw her spilling a single tear after what ever Austin said. All she ever did was to ignore Austin like he wasn’t there. They both ignored each other like they never existed.

The hardest parts of all were the dreadful dinners. Each was tensed than before but nothing changed anything in between them both. Days turned into weeks and weeks were about to cross a month. Each day I thought about talking to Andy about ‘Us’ but every time I stopped right in front of her room thinking about it all over again. I was scared that it’ll create distances between us.

Maybe she wasn’t ready… maybe she didn’t want me. But I gave her all the time she needed! How can she not like me when I was always there for her? When I was only one she had since Austin never even looked up at her for once? How can she not think about me that way?!

Austin’s words rang in my mind every single day and sometimes I felt like they were playing tricks on me! If anyone would tell me I was going insane… I would accept it. And if someone told me Austin was out of his freaking mind… I’ll second that, but it was true that he’d left Andy like she meant nothing to him.

I tried to be angry over him and tried to talk him out of his craziness but something stopped me. And that was my evolving love for Andy. I swore I wouldn’t fall for her but I did and now there was almost nothing in between. Just me and her…

‘…Besides if you care so much for her, you can take her…’

“Maybe I will…” I mumbled to myself, inhaling a lot of air for my gut to man up. The air smelt like it was softly scented. I closed my eyes, inhaling the scent again, filling my lungs with freshness, filling me with the feel of being close to Andy.

It was her scent. I opened my eyes, raising my face from my hands and found myself looking into the pair of most beautiful light brown eyes. If it was on me I could stare in to her eyes for all day long. It made me forget everything.

“You okay?” she asked softly, resting her hand on my shoulder. She sat so close to me that I could just pull her a little closer and kiss her. I nodded, shrugging off the thought. “Are you sure? ‘Cause you look—”

“I’m fine.” I smiled to her and her confused brows relaxed. She smiled, resting her head on my shoulder. I should’ve been use to it by now but every time she did it, I felt my heart flipping.

“I’m thinking of joining the school again…” she said softly. “…I’ve nothing to do at home.”

“You’ve started to show…” I glanced to her bumped belly and so did she. Her cheeks turned bright red. She was over four months and now anybody could notice her baby bump.

“People already know… besides I don’t care.”

I knew she cared. I could sense it. She wanted Austin to say this and look at her the way I was looking at her and she cared what people would say when Austin won’t be by her side in the school.

“Don’t start on him Okay?” She said quickly, looking at me, like she read my mind. She knew my mind always drifted over to Austin when ever I was with her. Not that I want to lose her to him, but just that it was hard to imagine she was okay with the fact that Austin wasn’t with her anymore.

“Why don’t you just talk to him?” out of my will I said it. I don’t know why I was doing it but maybe this was how I was planning on letting her know that I was always going to be there for her and ‘We’ can happen if she wanted.

“He doesn’t wanna talk Paul. He just needs sometime.”

I gulped the lump in my throat; gathering my guts to tell her that he wasn’t ever gonna come around and that I was here and I wanted her. “Andy…” I turned to her, taking her hands in mine. I looked in her eyes, figuring out how to say it. “…we’re together, right?” she nodded. “And Austin doesn’t care…” my mouth went dry as she stared back at me, waiting for me to finish up. “…but you’re happy… with me. Andy if you and I can stay—”

“You’re right!” she suddenly spoke, standing up. My heart raced faster. I stood up too, behind her.

“You’re Okay with Us?” I spluttered, my heart racing madly. She turned around grinning, her eyes huge with excitement and she leaped over me, hugging me tightly.

“Of course I’m okay! Austin doesn’t care but this’ll make him!” she pulled back and kissed me on the cheek. I was astonished, confused and breathless. I don’t know what she was talking about but she was getting me all wrong. She let go of me, grinning wide.

“Let’s go for a movie. I’ll change in a second.” She turned and hopped out of the room, leaving me standing where I was, staring at the door blankly. Where was it all going!? Since when had I been a coward at saying my heart out loud?! I thought I made my words clear but she got it wrong because Austin is all she has on her mind all the time! There’s no me!

Shrugging off my disappointment I dragged myself out. Maybe she needs some time too…

As I crossed Austin’s room, the door flew open and a hot brunette chick walked out. For a second I just stared at her, as she continued to give me a lustful look from head to toe. Her brows were furred together in anger but her eyes were hungry and she licked her lip, smirking at my face.

“Care to show your room?” she said sexily.

“Keep walking and find your way out.” I said strictly as anger flushed through me. She wriggled her nose and walked away. I stormed in his room, finding him staring out of the window.

“Had fun with that brunette?” I kept my voice normal because I just noticed the plain untouched bed.

“What do you want?” he didn’t turn to me.

“I want to know why you are doing this.”

“It’s an old talk Paul. I’ve moved on…”

“Yea I can see that. In fact I’m interested to know how you have sex without taking your clothes off.”

“Shut up man!” he snarled, facing me now. “Just leave me and my life alone! I’m fine with the way it is!”

“You’re being stupid Austin. Everyone knows you’re not okay with what ever you’re doing.” And why was I making him realize he needs Andy? I don’t know! But I just needed to know he won’t call me a backstabber.

“I know what I’m doing. I’ve told you, I’m not going to destroy someone’s life over some stupid family tradition! I’m not marrying her!” his nose flared as he moved closer.

“Think about her too Austin! Don’t forget she’s part of this family now.”

“She’ll always be…” He said in a matter-of-factly tone. “…just with you.”

“And what made you think I’ll marry her?”

“Because you love her!” for a second my heart stopped. I stepped back from him as he continued to glare at me. “It’s written all over you’re face!”

“What about you’re baby huh?”

“You’ll make a good father…” he looked away from me and I could see the pain wash through him.

I just stood there staring at him, imagining myself kneeling down in front of Andy, holding a ring to her. Would she say yes? She was still in love with him… and I couldn’t do anything to change it.

“She’s still in love with you.”

“But I don’t think I am anymore.”

“Don’t expect me to believe this.” I rolled my eyes, feeling a hope building inside me.

“Look, I don’t care whatever you or anybody thinks. I know she’ll never be happy with me. You’ve gotta understand that she deserves better than me Paul. And that could be—”

“Okay that’s it!”

ANDY:

I was holding on pretty good I guess. At least I tried to because I was tried of crying. I was tired of breaking over and over. I was tired to see the pain in Austin’s eyes every time he glanced my way and then quickly look away. And I was tired to see Paul help me through everything.

Sometimes I wanted to run away but the next moment I would feel something inside me, making me forget everything. It was the only thing keeping me here around Austin and face him everyday when he went on ignoring me like I wasn’t there. Austin and my baby… even if Austin said he didn’t love me anymore, he can’t just not care for his own baby.

I unconsciously brought my hand over my belly which had bulged out nice and round, feeling a lively sensation building inside. I smiled to myself and walked out of the room. I had no idea why I liked being with Paul so much when I should be working on getting Austin back, but it just seemed right. Maybe Austin needed space to come back to his senses.

“She’s still in love with you.” I heard Paul saying from Austin’s room. There was a short pause as I moved closer, slowly moving the door open a little more for me to go in. Every night I peeked in his room to see him sleeping but I knew he wasn’t asleep… just like I couldn’t.

“But I don’t think I am anymore.” Austin said curtly. His words caused searing pain, piercing through my heart.

“Don’t expect me to believe this.” I wanted Paul to say like he meant it but I don’t know if it was just me or they were really bargaining me and my future!

Austin sighed highly. “Look, I don’t care whatever you or anybody thinks. I know she’ll never be happy with me.” Austin’s voice wasn’t filled with the hurt I was expecting and it hurt me the most. I walked further in. Paul’s back was at me and Austin was hiding behind him. “You’ve gotta understand that she deserves better than me Paul.” No! He’s not going to decide anything for me! He’s not the God! “And that could be—”

“Okay that’s it!” I shouted, storming between them, glaring at Austin who, at first just looked at me and then glared back. “You can stop deciding about my life for me alright?” unwillingly I poured bitterness in my tone. He just glared at me, as I gritted my teeth to keep myself from slapping him hard. I don’t know why but I wanted to beat the shit out of him! “You don’t have to decide what I do and don’t deserve ‘cause I’m not dead! And till I’m alive… I can decide who I’d marry myself!”

I grasped Paul’s arm and dragged him out with me. He stared at me in total astonishment. My chest was rising and falling as my heart didn’t seem to slow down. It pounded hard, making the blood rush to my face, making me feel extremely hot. I don’t know if I was angry at Austin for saying all that or at myself or whether I was shocked myself that I just said such things to him.

“I had to do that…” I breathed out a lot of air, calming myself down. “He’s totally out of his mind.” I mumbled to myself and looked at Paul who just stared at me. “What?”

“You know what you just did?” His voice trembled a little.

“Yea I guess…” I bit my lips to keep myself steady because now I was shaking. “I just showed him what he had to see. That we’re okay together.”

“And now what huh?” Paul barked angrily, his brows furred together. I didn’t step back because I wasn’t scared of him. He was just worried about me. “Is he going to come after you? You think we’re gonna team up again against him and do what we did before? Make him jealous!?” he spat angrily and I totally understood that he felt like he was being used but I had no other way to get back Austin.

“Paul, I’m so sorry but—”

“But what? Do you want me to propose you next so he could break my neck and you get what you want?” he gritted his teeth.

“Yes!” and like something overcame me. Why didn’t I think of this before? Feeling like a selfish bitch I nodded, grasping Paul’s arm. “Please. Just once Paul. I need you to do this! There is no other way.” I felt my eyes burning as I pleaded, watching color drain from his face. His emerald green eyes not shinning anymore.

The tears were building up, oozing over the edge just ready to slip down. I was hurt by the person I love and I was hurting the person who was so close to me. Paul was everything to me right now but I was hurting him so bad. I was using him for my own sake. What more could hurt than being used?

“Please?” I bit my lip as the tears rolled, probably for the first time in weeks in front of him. He heaved a sigh and slowly slipped my hands off his arm and turned around walking away. Not to his room but out of this place, away from me, away from a betraying using friend.

*****************

My heart was constantly struggling to rip my chest apart and bounce out, scream loudly for everything to stop for a while. My hands went cold and I almost slipped the fork as Paul walked in the dinning hall, a smile plastered on his face and took his seat next to me. He usually sits opposite. Everyone took a strange glance at him and just as his eye met Austin’s he held it for a little longer before turning his gaze to me and smiled.

I thought he wasn’t going to come back but he did. For some reason I felt pathetic for hurting him earlier but I knew he was here to do what I had asked. The maid placed the plate in front of him and he began eating. I suddenly lost my appetite and just tossed the salad around my plate, keeping my eyes down, concentrating on nothing at all because my thought were drifting everywhere. Austin. Paul. Me. The baby. Austin. Austin. Paul. Austin—

Paul cleared his throat beside me, startling me badly. The fork slipped out of my hand, clattering over the plate. I realized that everyone was done eating and were now eye Paul intently. “There’s something I want to say and it’s really important.” He gulped the lump in his throat and I felt my mouth going dry.

He’s going to do it. He slipped his hands to mine under the table, squeezing them softly. He slowly stood up, keeping his eyes on his dad, who awfully tried to look patient.

“Dad, you wanted me to be the best son, that I have never been and now I regret it.” He said like he truly meant it. I don’t know how he’ll manage to relate this to ‘marrying me’ part but I knew he’ll do it. “I chased after something that wasn’t meant for me and let you down but Dad; you wanted me to fulfill your family tradition…” he paused, glanced at Austin who looked like he was holding his breath. “…and now I’m ready. I want to marry whomever you chose.” He paused and looked down at me.

I’d forget he was still holding my hand. His eyes were blank and his face was pale but I knew what he wanted. I slowly stood up, just looking at him because I wasn’t able to look at anyone of them. He looked away from me to his dad again, took a long breath and spoke again. “You chose Andy for Austin but he’s not ready for it.” I was glad about the words Paul used.

“What do you mean he’s not ready?” Mr. Carlson tried to keep his voice calm but failed. My heart started pounding harder.

“He can’t handle being married let alone raise a kid…” Paul couldn’t keep his voice steady or normal anymore. “…but he’s busy preparing a whole team!” he said under his breath and for a second i thought he's gonna spill out about Lana.

“What are you trying to say Paul?”

“All I’m saying is that now that I’m ready to marry, I will marry Andy.” My heart skipped a beat. He said like he wasn’t forced to do it but he wanted to marry me. Mrs. Carlson gasped and Mr. Carlson’s eyes went wide. From the corner of my eye I saw Austin twitched and his face went paler. It’s working… maybe.

“That’s it Paul! Enough of this!” he stood up, clearing the crease of his coat. “For a second I really thought you’ve become my son!”

“I am being your son dad! I’m doing what you wanted me to. Now that your Real Son is chickening out of this marriage, this is the only way to save your falling reputation.”

The air around us was thinning. Like everyone was trying hard to catch their lost breaths. Mr. Carlson glared at Paul for what seemed a long time. I felt Austin’s gaze burning my side but I kept my eyes at Paul’s face, trying to hold the smile that was fading quickly.

“Whether you like it or not…” Paul finally broke the ice. “…I’m marrying her.” And like Paul had won a long struggling battle, his face got unusually bright. The face I thought I recognized was no longer the same. His smile was beyond what I’d imagine. It was like he’d just got what he wanted for so long. I couldn’t find myself to withdraw my sight from his face. There was something that I couldn’t understand.

I felt like it was my battlefield and his victory as he turned around walking out, dragging me with him. I was stunned and out of words. It was hard to figure out what Paul did was for me or himself? He walked up and to my room, closing the door behind. He looked at me for a long time maybe waiting for me to say anything.

What was I thinking? How could Paul win my victory? I was being ridiculous. He won’t ever do that. Looking at Paul’s face I remembered I saw a tear trickle down Austin’s eyes right before Paul dragged me out of the dinning hall. It had worked. All rightly.

“It must have been hard… but thanks for doing this for me.” I said, turning around because I couldn’t look into Paul’s eyes anymore.

“I didn’t do it for you.” His voice was rough but still soft. I still didn’t turn around. “I did it because I wanted to.” He paused for a minute but I still kept my back at him. My heart was beating wildly again. There was something nerving about all this. “I really want to marry you Andy…”

“I don’t understand Paul.” I whispered. I did understand what he was talking about. I had noticed it just a few minutes before. He wasn’t just saying because I told him to. He said all of that because he meant it.

“Then look at me and understand!” he grasped my arm and spun me around aggressively. “Understand that whatever I did was because I wanted to do it and when I said I’m marrying you, I meant it!”

“But Paul… it wasn’t supposed to be this way.” My voice came out shakily. I was scared not because Paul was holding my arm a little too tightly but because he wasn’t lying.

“I’m tired of doing all of this Andy! I’m tired of trying to bring you two together over and over!” he sighed and let me go but kept his gaze locked with mine. My eyes started to prickle again from the tears. Paul was hurt because of me and I used him over and over! “I’m tired of pretending to be just your friend but the truth is I love you Andy. I really do.”

An invisible vacuum sucked all the air around me. I just stared at his face blankly.