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AUSTIN:

I’m not dead…

I was sure now because I was still able to think… still able to hear her and still feel her beside me…

So I couldn’t be dead…

But I was somewhere in between the real world and the other side… and how did I know this? Because sometimes it was just nothing at all… just meaningless brightness all around and sometimes when it faded away, leaving a lingering darkness around me… I knew I was back in my world…

But it was of no use!

I never knew how long the silence stretched… since she left and then came back… I couldn’t keep track of time as I moved in and out of the consciousness, every now and then but when ever I could feel things around me… hear her beside me… I tried to move… tried to tell her I was sorry for doing this to her but I was so still and helpless! Not able to move.

My mind didn’t seem to have any control over my senses. It was like my body was giving up!

It was painful… and dreadful!

Now that I felt myself lying on something soft, with some kind of pleasurable weight over my hand – maybe she was crying with her head bowed down over my hand.

Yes, she was crying… I felt – as I forced myself to feel – her tears dripping over my hand. It felt so good to feel her… to be so close to her but then once more… my world started closing in… I felt lighter and contented… again!

No! I don’t want this! I don’t want to be here… I don’t deserve this after all what I’ve done!

There was light, creeping up on me again, capturing me in it… I knew I was in coma… sleeping to death!

But I’m not dead….

ANDY:

‘Don’t you want to have a look at your baby?’

‘No…’ I had whispered as the tears dripped down from the corner of my eyes. I had looked away from the screen, up to the ceiling to avoid glancing at my baby. Austin’s baby… I didn’t want to… not if he weren’t there with me.

And now I don’t regret my decision as I sat on the hard stool beside him, holding his hand, staring at his angelic face, like this was the first time I was looking at him. It had been the same almost everyday now.

It was like falling for him all over again…

I fell in love with him every single day, every single moment when I hear his voice in my mind – so vivid that I thought he was really speaking but it was just my hallucination. I knew he couldn’t even hear me… but I still talked to him because I want him to hear me!

“I wanted you there with me Austin… I couldn’t do it alone…” I spoke slowly, sniffing a little as I felt my eyes burning again.

I clutched Austin’s hand tightly as I glanced over the single couch where the sonogram DVD was lying near Austin’s clothes that I’d put hoping every day that he’d dress up in them when he wakes up.

I stared at the DVD, remembering how I was just a glance away from seeing our baby. My throat was dry, heart pounded faster with every part of my body telling me to turn my head just a little and look at the beautiful most creation. A blessing… but I didn’t do it. A shiver ran down my spine as the coldness from the gel still lingered on my tiny-bumped belly even thought I had the sonogram few hours ago.

‘You want to know if it’s a girl or a boy?’ the doctor’s voice rang in my ear again as if making me regret my decision even hours later.

‘No…’ I had again whispered and kept my eyes fixed on the ceiling, tried not to blink so the tears won’t escape my eyes but they did…

‘Are you sure honey?’ my mom was with me, totally astonished.

‘Not without him…’

Now I’d shut my eyes as the tears rolled out, dripping down on his arm. I wasn’t afraid of the leaks now because there wasn’t anyone to watch me cry now.

“I can’t do it without you Austin!” I bit my lip. “I wanted you there with me, holding my hand! I wanted you to watch our baby first! I wanted to know if it was a girl or a boy with you there to hear it first!” I choked, biting my lip harder, stopping the tears to drip on his arm… but they did.

I’d forgotten everything that Lana had said and I didn’t care if she was having Austin’s baby too and none of it mattered because it wasn’t Austin’s fault. It was my fault all over for pushing him away from me just to make him get close to me! It was my fault for not telling him sooner that he was going to be a dad and it was my fault that he didn’t get to see his baby for the first time! It was my fault that he was in coma because I knew how much he cared for me and still I landed him in this!

The guilt was so much that tears weren’t even enough to wash it away… I had cried over and over so many times in past days that I forgot when I’d even smiled!

I kissed his hand, closing my eyes. Suddenly my eye lids felt so heavy making it difficult for me to keep them open. It had been too long since I’d really slept. Every night I cried to sleep on a wet pillow and soon wake up startled by the car crash nightmare followed by Austin’s peaceful face… haunting me… frightening me…

When I could no longer keep my eyes open, I buried my head down on his arm, not bothering to wipe away the tears that rolled down to his arm and felt myself falling into emptiness… dark nothingness…

I was finally asleep peacefully… only beside the person with whom I was madly in love with…

AUSTIN:

My struggle to wake myself was much more painful and hard… for times I felt it had been centuries that I’ve been fighting. The brightness was strong and capturing. It was like I’d been shut in a white bright room full of emptiness. I could neither climb nor fell off it… I couldn’t hear anything as if someone had stuffed cotton balls deep in my ears and neither I felt anything…

Right now the calm, peaceful brightness was growing over, deepening my sleep. I knew I was going towards nothing again and the longer I’m gonna stay like this, the more I’m gonna lose… so I fought to keep the darkness linger longer. It connected me to my world.

I forced myself to move. To feel and to stay awake till I felt it… the searing pain in my head… the feel of Andy’s tears, drying away… the blood rushing through my veins and her light head lolling on my arm… the throbbing of my heart against my chest and the beeping near by, going faster now making chorus with the pounding of my heart…

I was finally waking up!

I was finally able to keep the waking darkness drowned upon me, realizing that I was just a blink away from Andy…

I wanted to speak, scream out for Andy to hear me but my lips felt like they were glued. I tried to raise my free arm, but it felt so heavy. As I twitched my fingers, a pinning pain rose up to my arm. I ignored every pain that would keep me from waking up...

I breathed deeply, forcing my eyelids to open. They felt heavy but not beyond my will! Slowly forcing them up, I could see the dim light lit in the room, blurred by the wetness in my eyes but otherwise it seemed like a blessing. I stared at the ceiling after blinking a few times, breathing heavily now because it seemed like a hard struggled. A little later I glanced around slowly moving my head, ignoring the tingling pain in my head. I didn’t felt as bad as they’d probably made me look!

The oxygen tube around my nose was kind of irritating as I moved my head. As I moved my less pained arm to remove it – I could now breathe on my own – I felt Andy’s weightless head resting on it.

I felt the volcano of emotions evolving in my stomach. Should I wake her? What will she feel when she sees me up?

‘I hate him for doing this to me… I hate him!’

My insides twisted as her voice rang in my ear. My body – already so stiff – became stiffer. She hadn’t spoken anything but I still heard her in my head. She hates me…

And why shouldn’t she? After all, I’m the one ruining her life! I forced her to get married to me when she decided we won’t and then I made a deal of just pretending and broke it, falling for her. I’d been an ass to her always, playing with her feelings like a hard core player and worst of all; I’d unintentionally knocked my ex-girlfriend when my fiancée was pregnant with my baby!

The hotness of guilt swam through my body, making the ECG monitor go nuts as my heart pounded hard against my chest. I breathed slowly, trying to calm myself. I can’t lie here and let things ruin her life anymore.

Tucking out my hand slowly from under her head, I tore away the oxygen tube. The itch in my nose made my eyes teary. I gasped for breath for some time and then tore out the IV tube since I was no longer gonna lie here and I cant carry the IV bag with me. The sting of pain was no good than the pain in my right hand. It was heavily bandaged and stung as I tried to move it.

Ignoring every pain I felt, I forced myself up. It took me ages to sit up properly without waking Andy up. She snored a little, making funny noises and sometimes she flinched a bit making my heart skip a beat.

I removed every thing they’d attached to me, keeping my eyes on her. She looked so calm and yet disturbed… I had no idea why she cried beside me when she hated me… I had no idea how long she sits with me every day or does she even go back home.

I was staring at her with the strangest feeling of love… a feel of lustful love. I wanted to wake her up and tell her I felt her when she had kissed me and I felt the tears that had leaked from her beautiful eyes. I longed to look in her eyes and to hold her and feel her and kiss her the way she’d kissed me!

I hadn’t realized when my eyes blurred. I wanted to feel so much and the only thing creeping up on me was fear of losing her. She could never be mine if I kept hurting her like that. I quickly looked away and caught the sight of a DVD lying on the only leather couch in the room besides what looked liked clothes. My clothes.

Sliding off the bed slowly – trying not to make a sound – I dragged my heavy feet towards the couch. Even though my head spun with the pain that suddenly rose, I took the black jacket in my hand. Underneath it was a freshly laundered jean.

Did she expect me to wake up? Did she want me to be able to walk and go home as soon as I get up? I felt a sudden rush of leaping to her and kiss her! I sighed at my helpless self and glanced at the DVD.

My heart skipped a beat and my breath got caught somewhere in my lungs as I read the labeling.

Andy Carter, Sonogram at 11 weeks.

My whole body started trembling with I didn’t know what. My heart now raced faster as I looked at her and dropped my glanced at her stomach. Did she know what it was? A girl or a boy? Wanting so much to wake her up and ask her how our little baby was, I stepped forward but stopped instantly as cold splashing sound ranged in my ear. A sharp tingle crept on my right cheek where she slapped me and her voice echoed in my mind.

‘You don’t deserve to be the father of this baby!’

I felt my legs giving up… her words, thought a distant memory, still pierced through my ear, crushing me down. She was right. I didn’t deserve anything!

I breathed heavily and pulled off the blue scrubs I was wearing and then pulled on the jeans pant with the difficulty I’ve never have imagined. Slowly putting on the jacket, I grabbed the sonogram DVD and slipped it in its pocket. It was the only thing that made me feel closer to my baby…

Glancing last time over peacefully sleeping Andy, I pulled the hood over my head and opened the door, not knowing my destiny, I stepped out it brightly lit hallway…

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