things perused as a dramatic standstill. School became a monotony, homework piled up again, and coffee re-entered my life as a drug. Evan and I didn't meet nearly enough, but called every other day. Winter was creeping in, camouflaging into evening gusts and morning chillness.

The dullness of routine was alarming, letting my mind wary astray. One thought spiraled into chains until the thoughts spread like a fire that couldn't be put out—a hurt that unfurled in form of a token of reminder from the past. Things were so different last year. Not reliving memories I had once cherished twisted my stomach into heinous knots until my chest had congested with the taste of char, dark and noxious and crushing.

It was Sebastian and Elizabeth and I until it wasn't, and the lone remembrance of it all sent the earth slipping beneath my feet. As if someone had yanked the safety-net I had managed to stick to place.

I was terrified of it, of the vice-like grip it had. Of the impending hurt I was yet to expose all of myself to, simply because I had trapped myself in a bubble and refused to get out.

I'd lost myself over losing one person. If the wave rolled back and knocked me off my feet, I would lose everyone I had started to love.

▂

STELLA REYES ROLLED HER EYES. Her little lavender blouse was snug at the waist, letting the black skirt flow past her knees and accentuate her build. Her hair was pushed back, tied with a ribbon, and her lips were tinged berry-pink.

Chloe took a step back before a carboard box definitely holding something fragile hit the floor. My quick reflexes knew the situation before it could happen, hands cradling the recipient of ill-treatment.

"C'mon," Stella whined. "I'm starving. I feel faint. I might just die."

I dropped a desperate glance to Chloe. She always had something—a chocolate bar, candy, gum—anything with herself which she would offer politely to anyone like the angel she was. But now, in a moment of distress, when Stella's hunger was causing a ruckus, the world seemed against us.

"Let's take a break," I finally breathed out, trying to focus on today and the task at hand. If I did not take one day at a time, I would jam my limbs and forget how to move. Or breathe, for that matter.

We had been looking through what to buy for Evan for the past three hours. That could be an over exaggeration if we excluded the time period we got distracted and started looking through pretty dresses, but the repercussions of shopping without a single thing in the bag was hitting us square in the gut. Especially to Stella, who to my surprise, was bothered by hunger more than I was.

She was only here because I had managed to drag her along. I'm going to the celebration empty-handed, she'd said. Mr. celebrity isn't getting any gifts from me. Their jabbing comments at each other throughout school hadn't lessened a fraction.

It was funny, so nobody bothered with them.

That wasn't a reason enough for me to be wasting both of my friends' time. I was distracted. Anxious. Over-thinking. My mind was a blank slate and every idea that wrote upon it got erased, and then I spent fifteen minutes mentally cursing myself for being so damned incompetent. And forever an overachiever; have you ever tried doing the bare-minimum?—I could hear my brother's saying chime in my head, something he said every-so-often.

"You need to, like, chill," Stella nudged my arm, and then shoved another cologne bottle into my hands. "Maybe give him this so he stops smelling like a sewer rat."

I gave her a look. A cologne was the last of my options, one I never wanted to resort to. He smelled pretty amazing with what he already had, anyway.

"I'm sure he'll like anything you get him, Laura," Chloe probed.

Stella grinned. "You know what? I have a perfect gift idea for you," she grabbed my hand and pushed us three through a trough of people until we had made it to the other side. "We shall pick you an outfit which does the job for both of—"

I grimaced, grabbing her shoulders. "This isn't about me. We need to buy something for him."

"Woman," Stella groaned. "You don't realize I'm doing him a favor, do you?"

Ignoring her, I said to Chloe: "She really needs to eat."

Stella widened her eyes. "Man, that was the first and the last time I had something good in mind for that boyfriend of yours."

I blinked. "We aren't. . .," I paused. "No labels. Yet."

Chloe rose an eyebrow. "But you're exclusive."

I toyed with the fabric of my skirt. Stella grabbed my arm and shook me lightly. "You better be dating by the end of this week."

"That's—," wishful thinking? The kind my heart would always feel worthless of?

What was I even planning to say?

Chloe gave me a long, meaningful look. I averted my eyes, hoping the look was where the conversation ended, but Stella had opened her mouth, eyes sharp.

"Look, I don't know him that well, okay?" She stared at me. "But I think I know you enough to say that you can get in your own way sometimes. And if there's anything. . .," her voice held softness she never usually carried, and it made me hold onto her words. "Anything at all we can help with, you know where to find us. If not, you need to know you are the most deserving of the happiness that comes your way."

There're things I've kept hidden from you, I thought. My throat closed up.

"And don't forget that he is going to get his ass beat if I hear a single complaint." She said with a small smile. "I don't care if we're sort of friends now. You were my friend first."

I didn't say anything. Whilst Stella continued to make a joke out of herself the second her words registered, I merely smiled—wondering how much longer I had to trap the guilt inside before it frayed through the flimsy layer of pretense.

▂

TIME SEEMED TO SLIP BETWEEN THE CREVICES OF OUR HANDS LIKE SAND: SLOW AND STEADFAST. Xavier was hunched down, strands of hair being swooped out of his eyes in a haste and lips twisted in a distasteful scowl. Sean was pacing, feet running in a progression of six steps forward, six steps back. Stella drummed her fingers on the metal of the trunk of a car. Chloe smiled, trying to alleviate the mood. Raymond stuffed his hands in his pockets, unsure of what to do or say. Leo looked so sad he could possibly cry.

Everybody around stared at us for not dispersing out of the school grounds.

I was antsy, phone in my hands, messy ponytail swaying in the cold wind. "How about. . ." I fumbled, tapping and pausing on the screen. "Just a casual sort of get-together? With just us?"

"Sure." Xavier looked exhausted. "If he agrees."

My voice grew in exasperation. "Has he never agreed to you guys?"

Leo answered, "Depends on how many excuses he has up his sleeve. This year, he might've gotten lucky with a pocketful of them."

"And you don't force him?" Stella retorted with wide eyes. "When he's clearly pushing you away?"

Xavier looked sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck. Boys are weird, I came to the conclusive thought.

"You can talk to him," Sean gave me a single glance, and Raymond nodded. "Yeah, only you can. Trust us, because we've tried."

"Okay, okay," I waved a hand, wanting their chants to stop. "I will try."

Stella jumped off of the trunk. "I don't see him ignoring your wishes anytime soon, so it shouldn't be hard."

Three days passed and I found myself standing in front of him, my feet bouncing and thumbs fidgety. He looked. . .gentle, soft around the edges. I wondered if the shift in our relationship had anything to do with it—how the warmth was radiating stronger than I'd ever felt before, how he carried himself with a sternness which was always earnest. His smile was still teasing, no matter the circumstance, but I had grown to love it too much to complain.

"Hey, you," he walked just a little closer to brush his shoulder against mine, and I welcomed his scent with a grin. We were leaning against a giant wall outside of the basketball court, but only he was returning from practices—all showered and freshened-up.

I tucked my hair behind my ear. "Hi. How's it going?"

He laughed. I observed the way he leaned on the wall, and how his hair stuck out on his forehead. How effortlessly I was stunned into silence by his mere presence. "You don't need to be so formal with me, Edwards. What's up? You texted me to meet up."

I sighed, defenseless. "I wanted to ask you something," I paused, looking into his eyes. "But you'll disagree."

He rose an eyebrow, and I observed the tilt of his lips intently. "You seem very sure of that."

"Would you promise to agree before I reveal the thing, then?"

"Hm." I expected a quick jab at me, something he did so often, but found his face stalling on the answer. After what seemed like ages, he said, "Risky thing to do. However, I promise to not make you sad. How about that?"

I grinned. Works for me. "I want you to free your schedule on the twelfth. For me."

He opened his mouth, and then realization hit him like a bolt of lightning. "12th of. . .next week?"

I nodded, and then for safety measures, added: "Don't forget your promise."

He gave me a pointed look, arms flexing underneath his black t-shirt. He looked so nice in something so simple, it made my blood boil. "You aren't being discreet in whatever you're planning to do. I know why you chose that day."

"Good." I huffed. "I need you to know beforehand, so you don't freak out."

"Laura." His eyes softened. "I don't need any—"

"I know," I smiled. I loved the way he said my name. "Let me do this for you. It's nothing much, I promise."

His arm went over my shoulders, his face bending to near mine. He pressed his mouth to my hair, and sighed. "I don't need you doing anything for me, okay?"

"I want to." I pulled back. "Have you been too busy lately?"

He shook his head. "Same old," he smiled. "Enough about me. How are you? Do you still need help with Physics?"

I rolled my eyes. "Please. You don't even take up Physics."

"I'm somewhat of a genius, I'll have you know—so the offer still stands up," he grinned, hinting to the day he'd told me he could play tutor if I was still confused about the topics. I had continually denied, but that didn't mean I had been blessed by Newton himself. I just didn't want him to worry about my progress with Physics amidst the scary schedule he was living by.

"I will survive," I said with a slight laugh. "I think I hate the subject."

"I think you hate the idea of this tutor," he jabbed his chest. A gust of air went by us, making both of us smile. As if I could ever hate the idea of him.

"Okay." He said after I succeeded in not falling for his grins. "And here I was thinking you'd called me here to. . ."

"To?" I searched his eyes, heart hammering against my chest.

In my periphery, Coach was approaching Evan with a file in his hand. I distanced myself a little from him, eyes falling to the ground.

"Let's talk another time," Evan said. "Take care of yourself, okay? And call me tonight."

I smiled as I watched him sprint away.

wattpad is giving me hell for not updating for months by making the formatting go haywire. i have had to fix it more times than i can count now, but hopefully everything's is readable to you guys

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abrial