fucked up. Real bad.

I sigh and run my hand through my hair. It wasn't supposed to go that way. We were supposed to be on the same page no matter what, but the stupid last decision screwed up everything.

Clara walks in my room and frowns. "What happened?" She asks.

"Anna and I had a fight," I respond, putting the chair back in its place in the corner, then sitting on the bed.

"What, why? You guys just went out with each other yesterday." She sits next to me, then her facial expression morphs into one of realization. "You told her about the Italy thing right?" I nod and rub my face with my hands.

"Did you tell her about the full thing? Or that you really just want to go there?" She questions.

"I told her that it has been my dream since mom told me about it and that it would be a great opportunity for both of us later. I don't know why the hell she got so mad," I explain.

"Anna is just scared, Luke. As you have noticed, she doesn't really have all the confidence in the world. She might have thought that just by you going there, she's going to lose you. You're going back to Italy. A lot of stuff happened there, with a lot of people. She has a right to be worried."

"What happened in Italy, happened in the past and Anna knows that I really like her. Why would I even look at some other girl when I've got her?"

I mean, she's stunning as hell. In every way. Her hair is stunning, her freckles are stunning, her smile is stunning, the way she talks is stunning, her personality is stunning. She's just so fucking gorgeous in every way. What would make me look at another girl when she's, well...that?

I can't even describe her in words.

"She can't guarantee those words, Luke. She's insecure. It's one of the things that ruin a lot for her," Clara tells me.

"And I ruined it even more by calling her selfish. Fuck," I place my face in my hands again and sigh.

"You didn't ruin it. You can still talk about it. You have three weeks left before you leave. Talk to her," Clara suggests.

I look at her and she smiles. It isn't the usual, bright smile of my sister and I know why, but I just smile back at her and she grabs me in a hug suddenly.

"I love you so much," she whispers and I hug her back.

"I love you too," I respond.

Clara pulls away from me and sniffs, looking down at her lap and wiping her eyes.

"Lara," I groan.

I absolutely hated it whenever my mother or my sisters cried and as 'unmanly' as this sounds, sometimes I end up crying because what the fuck else am I supposed to do when I see the people that I love crying? I can't take it. No matter what.

"Sorry, sorry," she sniffs and looks up at me. "I'm okay, I promise," she gives me a smile, but the tears evident in her eyes aren't really convincing.

She stands up. "Go talk to Anna. It's the right thing," she tells me, squeezing my shoulder before she walks out of the room.

I stand up and decide to get dressed to go talk to Cherries. My phone starts ringing and I glance at the caller, seeing that it's from Sophie. I frown and answer it as I put on my pants.

"Hello?"

"Luke, you need to get down here," Sophie tells me breathlessly, sounding like she's running.

"What? Get down where? What's going on?"

"The hospital. Anna's father is in the hospital," she answers and I quickly hang up, then I grab the shirt repeatedly whispering the word 'shit' for God knows how long before I grab the car keys off of the desk and run downstairs.

"Lara, I'm going to the hospital if mom asked," I explain in a rushed tone as I try to put on my shoes.

"What's going on?" She questions, furrowing her eyebrows.

"I will explain later, just tell mom if she asks please," I open the door as she nods at me before I get out of the house and head to the car.

Slamming the car's door behind me, I turn on the car, press on the gas pedal and drive to the hospital.

Fuck.

| | | |

hate it. I hate this stupid world and its dumb way of going on. How it managed to screw up everything in a couple of hours. I hate it. I hate everything.

The doctor walks out of dad's room and the guys and I are about to jump up to see what he has to say, but mum just signals for us to sit back down and walks over to the doctor.

I don't need to go and listen to what the doctor has to say to understand. I catch bits of the conversation and it's pretty obvious what he means.

"We tried everything."

"...the last stage."

"It's too late."

"I'm so sorry."

And that is all it takes for mum to break down crying again and Cameron helping her sit down to calm her down.

I stand up and go to the doctor to ask him if it's okay to go inside.

"Yeah, sure. Just don't take too long. He...he doesn't have too much time," he says and I nod before I go to room, knock on the door and walk inside.

My dad lies there on the bed, his face is as pale as a sheet. His body lays limply as if any movement of his would cost all the energy in his body. He looks...scary, that's the only word that seems to fit how he looks like or maybe I'm afraid of the fact that this might be the last time I will see him.

"Hey, dad," I smile, taking a seat on the chair next to his bed.

He moves his head slowly to face me and smiles back weakly. "Hey, kiddo. Good thing you're here, I wanted to talk to you."

"What is it?" I hold his hand tightly, trying not to break down in another series of tears and sobbing.

"I am so sorry for everything I have done, honey. I treated you badly. I treated your brothers badly. And your mother, but Anastasia's passing was...hard on me. It was hard on all of us, but your sister being gone suddenly scared me and what scared me more is that I might lose one of my children in a second and-" he starts coughing suddenly and I watch him painfully, rubbing his back as he struggles to catch his breath before he clears his throat and gives my hand a tight squeeze.

"As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by that idiotic disease," he laughs and I smile, chuckling a bit, feeling my eyes well up with tears. "I'm just sorry for the way I treated you. You're my children and especially you, you're my daughter and I wasted my whole life mourning over your sister that I didn't give a care about you, cariña. I'm truly sorry about everything."

"Dad, you know I can't not forgive you. There's nothing you have got to be sorry about. I know that Anastasia's passing affected all of us and it's okay. Really. Just please don't leave me, dad, not now," I squeeze his hand tighter, feeling the tears spill from my eyes and down my cheeks. I hate crying so much.

"It's okay, honey. You will be okay. You don't have to worry. I will be up there with your sister. I have to go and see what that little rascal has been doing up there. She must have gave them a headache," he jokes, laughing and I laugh, wiping my cheeks.

"I love you so much, dad," I sniff, wiping my nose.

"I love you too, Lyn. I love you so much and just know that I will be looking over you and I will still be the proudest dad ever, because I have one of the strongest women as my daughter," he smiles, his smile is small and barely even a smile but still one of the most beautiful smiles. My father's smile.

He starts coughing once again, but this time something goes wrong with the heart monitor and it starts making a loud beeping noise. About four nurses rush into the room along with the doctor. I back up slowly, feeling like someone is slowly crushing my heart with their foot, but I don't have any reaction. I just stand there, zoned out, feeling like I'm running out of breath.

One of the nurses walks up to me and says something, but I can't hear her so she pushes me out of the room and as soon as I'm out, I hear mum's voice but I can't even focus on what she's saying until she starts shaking me hard and I come out of my trance.

"Honey, what's wrong?" Mum asks, holding my face.

"I don't know. Something is going on with dad," I panic when I realize what happened.

"Okay, just take a seat, sweetie. You need to sit down," she leads me to the chair and I sit down next to Sophie, then I start sobbing and she hugs me tightly. I hide my face in her shoulder and sob harder if that's possible.

"It will be okay. It will be okay," she repeats, trying to soothe me, but nothing will make me feel better. Not one single thing.

I hate it. So much.

"Anna," I hear Luke's voice and I look up to find him jogging over to me, then he crouches down in front of me.

"Hey, baby," he holds my face in his hands. I try to speak, but all I get out is a series of incoherent words.

"It's okay. It's okay. I'm here," he takes the seat on my other side and holds me close to him.

He rubs my arm and repeatedly says that it's going to be okay to calm me down, but it's not. Nothing is going to be okay. Nothing will get better. It all sucks.

I hate it.

| | | |

Dad's funeral was two hours ago.

I haven't been out of my room since. I don't feel like going out of my room since then. I'm numb to everything. All I did is lay in bed in my black dress, looking like absolute crap because of all the crying and not talking to anyone. Even when people came to check up on me in the funeral, I didn't react, didn't talk, didn't speak. I just stood there.

I feel like history is repeating itself. It's like, life is mocking me by now.

"Oh, your life is going fine as a ten-year-old who literally have done nothing but wanted to live her life? Here, your sister is going to drown because you were being an irresponsible idiot and she had to save you, so it's kind of your fault your sister is dead. Sorry."

"Oh, you fell in love with a guy and you guys are enjoying your relationship and you might actually last? Yeah sorry, he cheated on you twice, but the other time was with your childhood best friend, so you lost that too. Yikes."

"Oh, you have a new boyfriend who makes you happy and you actually think that you might start falling in love with him? Well, sorry, he will be eighteen hours from you now and there's thirty percent chance you will last with him. Hope you have a nice day!"

"Oh, your dad doesn't even have a major role in your life, but he may start caring because you have a guy who treats you good now? Well, he's dead because of heart cancer now. Oops. Not really. Well, okay, bye."

And under those major examples, there are very minor, stupid ones that shouldn't even have a reason to exist.

But hey, life is awesome.

"She hasn't been out of her room since the funeral. I'm worried about her," I hear mum talking to Sophie and Colette downstairs.

"She just needs some time alone. She will be okay," Sophie reassures her and I scoff to myself, turning to sleep on my side.

Will be okay. Yeah, I will be peachy.

The doorbell rings and Luke's voice pops up a few seconds later, then I hear him talking to mum and the girls and they tell him about how I haven't been out of my room for two hours. Luke says something that is too inaudible to hear, then I hear him coming upstairs and the door opens.

"Hey," Luke says.

"Hey," I reply back, staring out of the window as if there is some kind of magical view of the sunset outside.

"What are you doing?" I hear the closing of the door and Luke appears in front of me, then he sits on the bed.

"Nothing," I answer, then it stays silent between us for a few minutes, so I decide to speak up.

"I didn't want him to go that soon. I wasn't expecting that. Why did he have to go, Luke?" I turn on my back and cover my face with my hands.

He takes my hands off of my face and holds them. "I know you didn't want him to go, but this is better for him, Anna. He's in a better place now and with your sister and I know for a fact that they're both looking down on you and they're so proud of you.

"You know why? Because you're the most amazing and beautiful woman ever. Look at how long you have come. Anybody looking down on you would be so damn proud. I know if I was up there with them, I would be so happy to see how much you've grown and I would think that this is my girl," he tells me softly.

I feel like all the feelings just washed over me and the numbness suddenly disappears as my eyes fill up with tears. "When does all of this stupid pain go away? I hate it." And I almost cringe about how pathetic I sound.

"It's hard, I know and I know that you hate it, but don't worry, it will get better and I will be right there for you, I promise," he entwines our fingers together and I sit up, scooting closer to him and burying my face in his shoulder.

"I wish it can all go away now," I cry in his shoulder since that's all I have been doing for the past two days. Crying all over people.

"I know, I know," he rubs my back and wraps his arms around me.

I sit there crying on Luke's shoulder for ten minutes as he holds me and when I'm finally done, I pull away from him and wipe my face with my hands. Luke decides to take on that job and he wipes my cheeks from the tears.

"There you go, still as beautiful as hell as ever," he smiles at me.

"Not really, but okay," I breathe out a laugh and Luke chuckles, then he grabs the tissue box on the nightstand.

"Nope, I still think you're gorgeous," he kisses my cheek and gives me a tissue.

I blow my nose in it and I don't even worry about the fact that Luke is seeing me in my worst cases because there are a lot worse and he's my boyfriend after all. He has to get used to it. I still cringe at the fact that I'm basically blowing my nose in his face though.

"Still think I'm gorgeous?" I question, placing the pile of tissues that I used beside me.

"Do you want me to be honest or lie?"

"Lie."

"No," he smiles and I give him a small smile back.

"That was really cheesy of you," I blubber out through my tears.

"Yeah, I don't know what the fuck was that," he agrees and I start laughing, while the tears run down my cheeks. I'm pretty sure I look like a psychopath.

"You want me to call up your mom and the girls? They're really worried about you," he tucks a lock of hair behind my ear and I nod in response, wiping my nose with the heel of my palm.

"Alright, I will be back," he places the tissue box on the bed and stands up, then heads downstairs.

A couple of minutes later, mum and the girls come upstairs in my room and my mum rushes to hug me.

"I'm so sorry, honey. I know you haven't been fine since your dad's passing and I know that it's hard on you. And honestly, I don't know what to do. I miss your father so much and I feel like I'm lost without him," my mum admits, her voice wavering because of how hard she's crying and to be honest, I'm surprised, my mum never admits to her being tired or not okay. She always says that's she fine.

"Don't worry, mum. It will get better. You have me and the boys and even Molly," as if on cue, Molly hops up excitedly and barks, making mum laugh through her tears. "We will be okay. And even if dad is not really here with us, he's in all of our hearts and he will still be by our sides when we need him."

Mum wipes her eyes from the tears and nods her head. "You're right. You're absolutely right, honey. No wonder your dad is proud of you. You have grown into such a strong, wise woman."

I'm also surprised about another thing. My mum just admitted that I'm right. She's probably never going to do it again.

I smile at her and hug her tightly. She hugs me back before she pulls away from me after a bit.

"Well, I'm going to call your brothers and make sure they're alright. Also, Abby called to check up on you, so I will tell her you're fine," Mum says and I nod at her in response.

As soon as she walks out, Colette and Sophie rush to me and grab me in a hug, knocking the air out of me from the sudden action.

"Whoa," I stumble a bit, but hug them back nonetheless, then we stay there for five minutes, just hugging each other.

"So, are you guys going to keep hugging me? Or what?" I question.

"Yup," Sophie answers.

"You're in need of a hug, even though this is unusually uncomfortable for me," Colette grimaces.

"Yeah," Sophie and I agree and we pull away from each other, starting to feel weird.

"Colette and I decided that we're going to stay right by your side, if you need anything," Sophie grins.

"Yeah. Anything that happens, any time, just call us up and we will be there for you. Pretty sure you already know that though," Colette shrugs.

"I do," I laugh.

"Great!" Sophie smiles. "We will be leaving since your man's here and we can't interrupt any 'bestie and her man's' time. Plus I think you guys need to talk," she whispers the last sentence.

"How do you-"

"Luke told us," Colette interrupts.

"I'm sure you guys can stay longer," I tell them.

"It's fine," Sophie waves her hand dismissively. "Liam is at mine's with Sade and I need to check up on the little dude. Also, Colette and I have to go buy a couple of things."

"I can come with you if you want," I offer.

"Nope, it's alright," Sophie assures me. "We'll see you later, babe."

She sends me an air kiss and Colette waves at me as they walk out of the room. I wave back at them, then I sit down on the bed. Molly hops on the bed beside me and cuddles up against my leg. I smile down at her and rub her behind her ear. She's the cutest pup ever.

Luke walks inside the room. "Hey."

"Hi," I stand up. "We need to talk."

"We're going to break up, right?" Luke mumbles, closing the door behind him.

"What? No, we need to talk about the long distance relationship thing," I tell him.

"Thank fuck," he sighs in relief and I chuckle slightly.

"I'm sorry that I called you selfish, Luke. You have every right to follow your dream and go to any university that you like. I shouldn't be stopping you from doing something that you want. I should support you and be happy for you. I did the complete opposite and I'm sorry for that. I'm scared of losing you. I can't lose you. You're one of the people who make me really happy and I know that it's selfish that I don't want to lose that happiness, but it's one of the things that keep me going," I explain to him, taking a hold of his hand.

"Anna, you are not going to lose me," he tells me softly. "You can't simply lose me. No one can take me away from you. Why would I even think about letting you go? You're literally everything I ever wanted and more. You're my everything."

I smile at him and wrap my arms around him. He hugs me back and presses his lips against the side of my head.

"Besides," he pulls away a bit to look at me. "I should be the one apologizing. I made you fucking cry. What the hell was that?"

I chuckle. "It's fine."