Last night I got the best sleep I've had in a long time. The fog of sadness is finally starting to clear the atmosphere of my mind. No, I haven't forgotten about Tyler. If only it were that easy. He's not the kind of guy I can easily let go of. But even despite that, I'm feeling content this morning. The dark storm cloud of guilt, anger and rejection is no longer consuming my whole being and that feels refreshing.

I look out my window. The sun is just barely starting to crest over the horizon. It's late October now so the dazzling orange, yellow and red leaves are mostly fallen off the trees but the beauty of the season hasn't been completely overtaken by winter just yet. Since I'm up earlier than usual feeling rejuvenated, I do something I never thought I would willingly do. I throw on some leggings and a comfy fleece, having decided to get a morning run in before school. I've never really enjoyed running if I'm honest. Running has always been a means to an end. I ran to keep in shape for gymnastics but never willingly for fun. This morning though something has inspired me to get out and push my body. At least if nothing else I can watch as the sun paints the sky brilliant shades of peaches, pinks and reds.

I lace up my running shoes, put in my earbuds and slip out the side door. The brutal chill outside smacks me in the face.

Why did I think this was a good idea again?

Determined not to give up so easily, I take off down our block in a jog to my workout playlist. It's a little ironic. It's completely still and quiet out here. By the looks of things most of my neighbors are still fast asleep in their warm houses. In my head though, it's completely different. My feet hit the pavement to the rhythm of Demi Lovato's "Confident" pounding in my ears. It's one of my favorite hype songs I would play before competing in gymnastics meets. With each stride I take I pick up the pace. It feels good to push myself. After feeling essentially like crap all week it feels great to remember this part of me exists. The confident, fearless, strong, powerful parts of me I let go dormant. I hadn't realized until now how much I had forgotten about this part of me recently.

I think I had let my insecurities about the move to Romeo and my sadness about Tyler trick me into forgetting my self worth. But I'm not some weak, helpless, damsel in distress. I don't define who I am based on how other people see me. I don't need a man to call me his girlfriend to know that I am good enough. I'm so much better than that. I'm a strong, independent girl who faces challenges head on. A girl who is fiercely loyal and protective of her inner circle. I'm an athlete who doesn't buckle under pressure and knows what it means to persevere after countless obstacles. I'm smart and funny and genuinely want to make the world a better place. That's who I am, plus so much more I'm still discovering. I'm Lila Freaking Daniels and I'm never going to let myself forget that again.

The pep talk in my head got me so amped up that I'm practically sprinting down the street. I don't know that I've ever ran this hard before. Suddenly my phone dings in my earbuds with a text which breaks me from my inner monologue. It's probably Payton waking up and checking in on me like she has all week. She promised not to let stuff between us get weird since Tyler is her brother and I don't want her taking sides, but we both know she has a hard time not meddling. I pull my phone from my armband with a little chuckle.

Hey....Can we talk?

My stomach jumps to my throat.

Is he serious? Why now?!

All I've wanted for a week was to hear Tyler say this to me, but now.....now I'm not sure. I'm finally feeling better, back to myself...at least mostly. What could he possibly have to say that's so important he's texting me before the sun is fully up?

Please Lila. Give me ten minutes, just to clear the air. We could meet before school?

Maybe I'm high off endorphins from running or maybe I'm taking the words from Demi's song too literally but I write back.

You get five minutes. I'll be outside your house in two.

Wait.... Seriously? Like right now?

Yep. I'm on a run. Heading down your street now.

Tyler is standing next to his Jeep when I jog up the Johnson's long driveway a minute later. He doesn't look great. The dark circles under his eyes give away that he hasn't been sleeping all that well.

"Thanks for coming."

He rubs at the back of his neck as I approach.

"Uh, yeah......So what's up?"

I stretch my hamstrings and try to look casual even though my heart is beating incredibly fast (not from the running either).

"Do you mind if we go somewhere? I don't know, maybe grab a coffee? This feels kind of awkward."

"Not really sure how you thought this would feel..... But also I don't have any money on me. Wasn't really planning on a coffee date when I left my house for a run."

My tone is laced with sarcasm and sass.

"Alright, I deserved that...but seriously, my treat. The little cafe in town is just around the corner and they open early. We can get our drinks to go.....Please Lila." Tyler pleads.

I'm trying to practice self preservation. I told myself I would keep control of the situation, which is why I thought five minutes together would be plenty long enough. I'm only willing to hear what Tyler has to say because I like to think I'm more evolved than a caveman. Plus, I know if I don't hear him out now it's going to bother me forever wondering what it was he wanted to tell me. This is for the sake of forward progress.

"If I say yes to going with you, it's only because I'm freezing and a vanilla latte sounds really good right now..... Not because I'm not over you."

Subtle Lila.

I mean technically I'm not truly over Tyler, but he doesn't need to know that. I'm getting there, it takes time.

"Vanilla latte it is. Jump in, I can drive us."

Tyler opens the passenger side door for me and I make sure to grab the handle and close the door swiftly behind me. I know he's trying to be a gentleman and I'm acting a little petty, but again, I have to keep my guard up or my progress might take a nose dive in the wrong direction.

The drive is short and neither of us say a word. This was his idea so I'm waiting for Tyler to take the lead. When we pull up to the cafe a couple minutes later I reach for my buckle.

"No you stay here, stay in the warm car. I'll grab our drinks and be right back."

"Uh...alright. Thanks."

Tyler runs inside the corner cafe. It's still early so there isn't a big crowd inside like there normally is. I watch through the big glass window as he orders our drinks. I catch myself thinking how handsome he looks standing by the checkout counter and try to bury that thought deep down into my subconscious.

Get ahold of yourself.

"Here you go." Tyler hands me a steaming hot latte when he climbs back into his Jeep a few minutes later.

"Thanks."

"So did my five minutes start the minute you got into my car?....cuz if so....pretty sure that was up about ten minutes ago."

Tyler gives me one of his arrogant grins that make his dimples pop out.

"I extended your time limit due to wanting a free drink. But thanks for reminding me, your clock starts now."

I tease back. I forgot how easily we can banter with each other.

"Alright alright. In all seriousness though, I guess I just wanted to say how sorr—"

I cut him off. The words start pouring out of my mouth before I even realize what I'm saying.

"Actually Tyler. Let me stop you right there. I thought I could hear you out and see what you wanted to say. I made myself think I could handle this since I was feeling really good this morning but honestly I don't know if I'm strong enough yet to hear what you have to say. I'm finally getting over you and feeling more like myself. Don't worry about apologizing. I'm finally moving on so it's not worth playing this same conversation over again. I know football is your dream, you don't need to apologize for that.

"Uh....well....actually...."

Tyler struggles to put words together.

"So if you don't mind. Can you just drive me home? I should get going so I can shower and get to school on time."

"Um...yeah. Of course."

Tyler pulls out of the cafe parking lot and starts heading towards my house.

"And about English. I know being partnered with me isn't ideal for either of us, but I think if we both agree to do our parts on our own we can make it work. I'll email you my parts each week and you can email me yours and we can send each other edits. That way we don't have to spend a lot of time outside of school together. How does that sound?"

Tyler sighs. "Yeah, sure. If that's what you want, I can do that."

"It is."

I dropped Lila off at her house. That conversation didn't go the way I had hoped. Ever since I broke things off with Lila last weekend I have been torturing myself thinking about her. Coach B had wanted me to end things with her so I would be less distracted from football but the exact opposite is what happened. If he thought it was bad before, it's ten times worse now.

What I wanted to happen during my conversation with Lila was a chance for me to apologize to her for being so stupid and listening to Coach's bad advice that I never should have taken. I wanted to explain to her that she is ALL I think about and that the only reason I did what I did was because I thought it was something I had to do. I felt forced into it and I shouldn't have let my fear of losing scholarships ruin the best thing that's happened to me. Lila means so much more to me than football. I was going to plead with her to consider forgiving me for acting like an immature jerk and see if she'd be willing to take me back eventually, after I could prove how important she is to me. I was going to tell her how much I've missed her because she's my person. I was lucky enough to find her at eighteen and like an idiot I pushed her away. No other girl will ever be able to replace her. Lila has ruined me for any other relationship because she gets me better than anyone else. I think she understands me better than I do myself half the time. The way she can cut through my exterior facade and see who I truly am inside astonishes me. It's a special gift I don't deserve, and I know that. I've never been in love before, but if I had to guess, this is what it must feel like. Which is why this hurts all that much more.

Because I love Lila, I'm going to try and honor her wishes. I could tell Lila was still a little sad when we talked and she's trying to guard her heart and act tough. I don't blame her for not wanting to let me back in. At the same time though, Lila also seemed to have some of the sparkle back in her eyes. Like she's well on her way to finding herself again. When I recognized that she is starting to do better after all the hurt I caused her is when I realized that I couldn't bring myself to reopen those wounds again. Why should I have the right to bring her back to that dark place she's worked hard to crawl out of just because I want to say I'm sorry and get her back?! No, that feels completely selfish and I can't be selfish with her. She's too important to me to do that to her. She made it very clear during our conversation that she doesn't want to be around me anymore than she has to be. I get it, I hurt her and I know that. So if she needs me to be cut out of her life to allow her the chance to move on and be happy, I will do that for her. Even if it kills me. I want what's best for her. I was stupid to let her go and now I will have to live with that mistake the rest of my life.