I see the look on my brothers face before I even see him. After the horrible nightmare last night, I had gotten no more sleep. I laid awake for hours and when the sun finally rose, I watched it. From the looks of it, Jackson didn't get much sleep either.

I still remember clear as day the way he cried while trying to comfort me. It made me cry harder hearing my older brother cry. He kept saying how sorry he was, what a fuck up he is, how he doesn't know what's wrong with him. And now, as I watch him at the dining table with his elbows on the surface and face in hands, I see the way my nightmare effected him.

I didn't have to tell him what it was about, he knew enough and that was the fact Colten had slithered his way into my dreams. I could deal with him in reality, I could watch him cuddle up with Angelique while I was awake, but I thought sleep was supposed to be private. I also thought that damned dream catcher - that I had crushed last night - was supposed to ward off nightmares.

I'm angry that now I have to see my worst of insecurities in my dreams where I can't seem to stop them. I think that's why I never attempted to go back to sleep after that. I didn't want the dream to continue.

The way they said they loved each other still makes me want to cry, but I bite my lip to push the emotions back.

I walk towards Jackson and take the seat next to him, not saying a word as he probably hasn't noticed my presence. Do I even want to talk to him? Probably not, but I know I have to. Even if having conversation with him ends up in more tears, I'm going to try anyway. Here goes nothing, I'm sure.

"Jackson?" God my voice sounds like an old man who smokes three packs a day. I guess that's what I get for sobbing my days away.

"Don't," he warns, his voice soft and husky. It's a weird combination to have, but I can see why. "I don't deserve it."

"It wasn't your fault," I say anyway. It wasn't his fault that Colten is stupid and can't love me enough to put up with Jackson's behavior. "It's no ones fault. He made the decision."

"Because of me, though." He finally lifts his head and even though I knew he had been crying, I didn't think he would look like this. I nearly gasp at the sight of his bloodshot eyes, the redness of his cheeks and nose and then the dark rings under his eyes. Even the look in his iris's is pained and void. "If I would've just kept to myself or maybe just talked through everything, none of this would've happened."

I want to scream at myself for making my brother feel this way. It obviously wasn't worth his pain if Colten left before we could resolve the issues. I basically put my brother through hell - Colten and I also - for nothing. We've all been through so much and it was for a lost cause. Colten and I are broken up now, and it's pretty obvious we won't be getting back together again.

"We did it to each other," I croak. "We were all fighting against each other when we should've been on the same team. I mean, look where all this got us? You and Colten used to be like two peas in a pod and now you can't even look at each other. You and me; we used to be best friends, now we're nothing. It's all ruined."

Tears blur my vision anyway, but I wipe them away before they can be released. I am so sick of crying I can't even explain it. I feel like the last year has been me none stop mourning over what I've lost. Both Adam and the whole sleeping together ordeal, then my brother and best friend and now Colten and I. If I had known this year would suck so bad, I would've tried to ditch it.

"You should hate me, Nikki." I should. "You shouldn't be able to look at me, but you are. Why?"

I know the words before he even finishes the question. And as they slip off my tongue, I see his eyes focus more.

"You're all I have left," I bite my lip. "You're everything to me. That's why."

•••

Despite my attempts to ditch chill day with Brittni, she still drags me out to the mall. And I'm surprised by how much fun I'm having even after the drama that's occurred this past week. I don't laugh with my best friend, but I do smile and talk about all things everything.

"Your birthday is in two weeks, huh?" Brittni questions, looking through racks of clothes as I do.

"Yeah," I respond. To be honest, I totally forgot about my sixteenth birthday being so soon. I shouldn't expect anything, but for some reason, I do. I don't usually get parties, but I'm hoping I do. This is probably the only birthday I'll ever really care about. "Why?"

"What do you want to do?" She asks, ditching her rack of clothes and coming over to stand by me. "I already have a little something something planned for the night, but what about during the afternoon. I want to make an entire day out of this."

My heart warms at the fact she has something planned already and so I turn to her.

"We could go shopping again," I smile. "And go out to lunch. Maybe go to the spa or something."

Brittni grins, looking a little bit too excited. "Oh yes. We have to go to the spa!"

I watch with a smile on my face as she wanders off while talking about the plans of my birthday. I've never had anyone put this much thought into the day I was born. Jackson has always tried to make each and every birthday special, but this is a whole new level.

I have a really good feeling about all this, that awesome feeling in my stomach starting to swirl with anticipation. I'm definitely ready for this extravagant event.

I groan as the sound of pounding becomes louder and more frequent. My head already kills enough as it is, why does this have to happen? Is this karma or some shit?

"I'm coming!" James shouts making me open my eyes with a huff. Empty beer bottles litter the ground next to me and a single ash tray sits on the coffee table with dozens of cigarettes and then of course - a joint. "What's happenin' Long?"

Oh shit.

"Not much," I hear Jackson say. "Can I come in? I know he's here."

My eyes widen when I realize he's talking about me. I really hope he isn't here to pound my face in for the events of last night? I'm really not in the mood.

"Sure, bro," James says, his voice lacing with concern. Mother James is back. "You don't look to good, man."

"Thanks." I can practically hear the sarcasm roll off of Jackson's tongue before he comes into view. His face twists in disgust as he takes in the sight before him. No doubt the apartment is trashed. "What happened in here?"

"Colten happened," James attempts to glare at me even though he knows he made most the mess.

I sigh, sitting up, my chest bare and legs covered only in basketball shorts. I didn't have time to run back home for clothes, and usually I wouldn't mind sleeping in the ones I wore, but they were jeans so James gave me the shorts.

"Why're you here?" I question, cracking my knuckles and neck. I usually don't do that, but I feel extremely tense.

Jackson lets out a breath before taking a seat on the clean couch, his elbows on his spread knees. I start to wonder if he's here because of Nikki, but not for the fight. What if she was hurt? Is she okay? Did Dustin fucking Capri hurt her? Oh fuck.

"Is she alright?" I lean forward, my heart racing at a million miles per second. I could have a goddamn heart attack right now and not care. If she's hurt, I'll never be able to forgive myself. Ever.

"Physically;" he looks up. "She fine, but mentally, she's hurting."

A twinge of pain shocks my heart and I have to look away from his exhausted face.

"She hasn't gotten much sleep, you know." I do, there was no doubt I haven't been the same, either. "She woke up from a nightmare last night."

I can hear the pain in his voice without having to look at him. It hurts me. I had no idea she was having nightmares. I have had a few, but that is because I'm fucked up in the head.

"It kills me, Colten," he snaps, almost angry at himself. "I'm torn between wanting to pound you in the face to crying myself to sleep."

"I never intended to hurt her," I admit, my body shaking to just give in and go find her. I need her. Lord knows that, but I want better for her. So much better. "She was exhausted, drained from all the fighting. I wanted her to forget about it all, I don't want to hurt her."

"She loves you." I wince. "And I know you love her. I never meant to hurt you guys like that. I'm fucked up, I've known this for a while, but this is the last straw."

I nod, my mind focused on his words.

"I don't care about the bullshit of your guys' age or you being my best friend and her being my baby sister," he stares me dead in the eye, determination seeping from him to me. "I want you to get her back."

I want to. I want to so bad, but I don't know what'll happen if I do. I'd be lucky if she even wanted to talk to me again, let alone take me back after all the shit I've put her through. I just can't seem to do anything right with her, it seems and it sucks. I just want her to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted and now here I am making things worse.

Why couldn't I have been born more genuine and romantic? My fucked up genes along with my fucked up head, yeah because that's something someone wants to deal with on a daily basis. No one, but her.

Nikki is the only one who would ever put up with my selflessness and illogical thinking, and that's what makes us so perfect.

We are perfect together despite everything.

"I will," I promise.

I will.

____________________