"Can we please talk?" Brittni asks, walking behind me as I speed my way to the track.

"I don't want to talk," I snap, continuing on my way.

"But we have to," she grabs my arm, but I pull away, looking at her angrily.

"No," I shake my head. "We don't. I know what you're going to say and I'm done."

"How do you know what I'm going to say?" She crosses her arms over her chest with that look on her face.

"Because your boyfriend already said it," I spit at her, wanting to leave.

Something in her deflates and her eyes fill with tears.

I hate when people cry. I get uncomfortable because I never know what to do.

"I'm sorry," her voice cracks. "I wanted to tell you, I really did, but no time was right. I didn't even know what we were until you found us."

I narrow my eyes in disbelief, but I don't say anything. Maybe it's a good thing that she is telling me all this stuff.

"He had just told me he loved me that night," a tear falls. "And I was confused as to what was going on. When you found us, it was a really bad time."

"Which time would be good for you?" I ask sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

"That's not what I meant," she closes her eyes and another few tears fall. "If you want me to break up with him I will-"

"No," I hold my hand up. I may be pissed, but not that much to where I'd tell her to do that.

"If it means getting you back as a friend I will," she practically begs. "You're the only one whose ever really been there for me and I miss you. I love Jackson, but if that ends our friendship I'll end it."

Suddenly, I feel like my whole heart is breaking. Brittni is willing to give up the boy she loves because she doesn't want to lose me? Do I even deserve that? I've been nothing but a bitch since I heard about what happened and now she's willing to give up her happiness for me? I don't get it.

"I don't want that," I shake my head, watching as the tears fall freely down her cheeks now.

Brittni rarely cries, it has to be something pretty big to make her.

"Please, Nikki," she pleas, as a sobbing mess. "I can't lose you-"

"You won't," I give in. "I just, I'm hurt and angry. I trusted you..."

"I know, I know," she sniffles. "And I completely understand if you can't trust me again, but I need you to be here with me. Shits happening and I can't do it alone."

"You have Jackson," I say with a little bit of hostility.

"Not even he can fix this," she looks down at the ground for a second. "We've been friends for years, Nikki, I don't want something like this to tear that apart."

I feel my resolve slowly fading away. As she practically begs me to forgive her, and how she says she'll break up with the one she loves for me, it's all to much. I've only seen my best friend cry a handful of times, but this is the worst she has.

I feel for her.

•••

As I walk home after practice, my thoughts are all over the place. From Jackson to Brittni to Colten and then to Angelique.

Yes, I know Colten was with Angelique when he came late to fourth hour. She was practically reliving it at practice today. Spouting out to her friends how hot Colten was when he was - and I quote - "pounding into her". I had the right mind to want to slam her head into the rubberized track, but I didn't.

If Colten wants to go sleeping around and hanging out with new girls, then I'll do that same with guys. I can play the game just as he does; hard.

I know my feelings for Colten, usually at least, so now that this happened I'm just really disgusted and disappointed. It sucks. I don't like this feeling, at all.

The thing that bothers me the most is that even after what he said on Friday, he still went and slept with another girl. I thought we were progressing, but I guess not. I seem to have just got the signs wrong.

When I finally make it back to my house, I shower quickly before changing into some comfortable clothing and starting my homework.

Around dinner time I start to get hungry, and I know for sure Jackson won't make anything, so I take it into my own hands and head downstairs. No one is home as expected, and I'm a bit lonely.

As I sit at the table with a bowl of cereal, the front door opens, jolting me from my void-ness.

"Sorry, I didn't know you were right there," Jackson apologizes when he sees my startled state.

"Whatever," I grumble and spoon another heap of Lucky Charms into my mouth, watching as Jackson nervously takes a seat across from me.

"Can-"

"If you ask again if we can talk, I'll kill you," I threaten seriously.

He sighs, looking down at his lap. "I don't know how many times I have to tell you I'm sorry."

"As many until I forgive you," I roll my eyes, looking at him haughtily.

"Will you ever?" He asks, looking more vulnerable than anytime I've ever seen him.

"I don't know," I shrug casually like doing this doesn't hurt me either.

I want my brother back. I want our late talks and bickering. I want the jokes and laughing, and maybe even his protective comments. The thing I can't get passed though, is the betrayal I feel for what they've done to me. I was so oblivious to them that it hurts.

"You forgave Brittni," he narrowly says, getting angry. I roll my eyes, glaring at him. I didn't forgive Brittni completely, nor did I tell her to break up with my brother, I am just seeing what my feelings are tomorrow.

"I didn't forgive anyone," I snap, feeling the tension rising in the room.

"Than what do you call what happened?" He bites back, clenching his jaw.

"I let her speak," I grind my teeth together. "And I told her I'll make my decision after sleeping on it."

He shakes his head, his jaw ticking. I know he wants to blow up. Cuss me out, slam his fist into the wall, hurt me or objects, but he won't.

"I don't understand your logic right now," he says honestly, his voice gruff and stern.

"What don't you understand?" I practically cry. "You and my best friend were screwing each other behind my back. My freaking best friend since kindergarten! How do you not see where I'm coming from?"

"Because, if she's happy that's what you should be worried about," he rasps. "You're being really self-"

"Don't," I snap fiercely. "Don't you dare call me selfish when you're ten times worse than me. If I was to hook up with Colten not only would you kill him, but me also. So don't go on telling me I'm selfish."

The thought of me hooking up with Colten flashes through my mind and I slightly get sick from the guilt. I didn't make a valid point to him.

"You're right," he nods making my mouth fall open. "You are completely and one hundred percent right. I'm in no position to call you selfish when I wouldn't let you date my best friend."

"Thank you," I praise, singing hallelujah in my head.

"I just want you to know," he turns back after getting out of his chair. "I didn't plan this. I didn't think I would fall in love with Brittni, and I definitely didn't think I was capable of it, but I did, and you'll have to learn to accept it sooner or later."

With that, he exists the room and I hear his feet thump against the stair case before they're gone.

He's actually in love with her? This isn't just some type of joke? It has to be, there's no way my brother changed in just a month.

I don't know what to think anymore! Things have been so confusing since Friday and I just want it to go away. With me kissing Colten, and finding my brother and best friend, it's just all to much.

My brain mentally can't handle it all. I'm just...I'm lost.

I may have lied to myself, earlier. I didn't go back to Angelique at this very moment, but a girl named Brianna. She's hot, looks a lot like Nikki, but that wasn't on purpose. I don't think.

"Faster!" Brianna practically screeches in my ear, but I forget the ringing in my head and pick up my speed. My thoughts are anywhere, but Brianna right now, though. "Oh god."

Can she just stop speaking? I honestly don't understand how guys deal with her - oh wait - they don't. That's why they only keep her for one night. My bad.

"Fuck," I curse one last time before emptying myself into the condom, not paying attention if Brianna finished yet.

By the way her eyes remain closed, I think she did. Cool. I climb off of her, pulling on my clothes while disposing of the protection.

"Thanks," I praise in a clipped time before opening the door to her room.

She doesn't seem to mind as she simply waves me off and goes back to living out her high.

Sex twice today, nice. To bad it can't be with Nikki.

The more I'm without her the more I want her and it's not going to end unless I get what I want - no - need. I need her. I need to feel her, kiss her lips, touch her body, anything. She's fucking addicting and it's my fault for paying the dealer. I should've left her alone that night, none of this would be so hard.

Sunday night I got myself off to the thought of her, but I know that'll never be enough. I need her. Not Angelique, or Brianna, just Nikki.

I'm even a bit freaked out by the way I think about her, but how can I not? These feelings have been buried for so long and now that they're resurfacing, they're coming for a vengeance. A powerful vengeance.

I feel my whole being wanting to be near her. To talk to her even is all I need. I can't even have that now. Not after my confession in Spanish earlier, she's disgusted by me. I'm disgusted by me.

All I know is

I won't be able to hold myself back for much longer.

___________________