The following days I spend just looking at my phone. I wanted to call her and tell her that I still love her and that I can't live without her. But every time I pick up my phone, I put it back down again. I have to give her time or else she'll search for more space between us, which would eventually tear us apart completely. I have to give her time and myself. I can't live without her and every moment that we're apart from each other, I spend missing her. I wait for her to call me, hoping that one day she will, but unwillingly knowing that she's not going to any time soon.

The day's go by slowly and everything reminds of me her. Even the sky. Everything. She doesn't leave my mind and it's the same like a few months ago when I first saw her again. It has been years since we last saw each other and I couldn't believe how gorgeous she has become.

Flashback

I am walking through the streets of London, not really hiding but not trying to get any attention either. To be honest, I don't really know why I wanted to get out today. I had planned to stay at home, watch telly and just chill before going back on tour again. But now I'm out, walking around. The other boys are probably still in bed, sleeping or eating in bed, something I would definitely do. But not today. It's weird. Something just draws me out. Something just tells me to go out and I don't know where I am going but hey the worst thing that could happen is that I get lost. But I've got my phone and money with me and cabs are driving around so getting home is not really an issue. The weather is quite nice and people haven't discovered me yet.

I don't really know where I am, but then I recognize my surroundings slowly. I'm close to the University and my heart starts racing. This never happened to me before. I've been here few times before, visiting Valerie, but that never happened. I don't know what's wrong with me and then I look around and see her. Olivia.

Olivia Elisabeth Hemmings.

I can't believe how beautiful she got. She was beautiful when we were younger and I definitely knew that she would become even more beautiful but I didn't expect her to look like that. Her brown hair is curled and she's wearing skinny jeans with a flannel over a shirt. She looks just like how I imagined her to look and even better. In my head I'm just repeating myself over and over again. I have to get closer to her. I have to talk to her and just as I think about it, my feet carry me over to her. She lifts up a huge box and manages to get into the building. I quicken my steps and then I'm right behind her. "Can I help you?"

"Please." She says and carefully hands me the box over. It's not really heavy, but it was big enough to cover her face, but not mine. I look at her and realize how much I missed her over the years. It has been a long time since she left my garden with her family. It feels like forever since I last saw her face. But now she's right in front of me and everything that happened to us in the past pops up in front of my eyes within a second.

We get into the elevator and I put the box down. She presses the button to the 11th floor and then it's awkwardly quiet.

"I'm Niall." I say to break the silent. I reach my hand out to her and then she recognises me. She doesn't freak out thought and just shakes my hand. Only when I really look at her cheeks, I see that she slightly blushes.

"Olivia. My name is Olivia." She says and I feel the strong desire to hear her voice again.

"Are you starting uni?" I ask, trying to make conversation with her and press the button to the 13th floor. She looks nervous but tries to stay cool.

"Yes and you?" Olivia asks back and smiles.

"I'm on tour. Just taking a break, you know, visiting a friend." I lie straight in her face. The Olivia I knew years ago would instantly figure out that that's a lie but she doesn't. She can't remember how to read my face, but I remember how to read hers.

The elevator doors open and I carry the box out for her, before leaning against the door frame. "What are you studying?" I ask, hoping that I still know her well and that she says...

"English." She blushes and I give myself a mental pat on my back. I still know her.

"Why are you blushing?" I ask smirking, knowing that she's nervous. She shrugs and just blushes even harder. I don't take my eyes off her as she looks down to her feet. She could easily say bye to me and leave, or ask for a picture and then leave, but she doesn't. Secretly and in my head I hope that she doesn't want to leave me as much as I don't want to leave her. Seconds fly by and then it's time to leave and let her go. I look at my watch and chuckle. "I'm late." I whisper, even thought there's nothing I can be late to. I take a step back and so does she, bumping against the box behind her. I can't help it but just smirk at her. The doors slowly close but I got to make sure thatI'll see her again. I just have to see her again. "Will I see you around?" I ask quickly.

"Sure." She says and the doors close.

End of flashback.

That was the moment I knew that I will love her again. That was the momentI knew that I'll make her mine again. Just few minutes were enough for me and I knew that I just had to see her again. I had to. Or else I wouldn't be able to think of anything else other than her.

I can't believe that that was only a few months ago and how much I won and lost during the last few months. I can't believe that I might have lost the most important thing in my life.

Now that she's gone again, she doesn't leave my mind.

The days go by and than it's New Year's eve. A month ago I was sure that I wouldn't spend it alone. I thought I'd spend it with Olivia, happy and carefree. I thought that I would hold her in my arms when we watch the fireworks. I thought that we'd be each other's midnight kiss.

But now I'm in London, fresh off the plane from Ireland, alone in my house. I should have stayed there but that wouldn't change anything anyways. At least she's in Brighton, only few hours away from me and not a whole plane ride.

But my house feels empty without her, even though she wasn't here that often. She didn't leave her toothbrush here, or clothes, or books or food. I should have taken her here more often. I should have given her time to leave her things here because now here's nothing left of her here anymore.

Nothing of her is in me anymore.

And just as I realize it, I drop down onto my couch. I put my elbows on my thighs and hold up my face with my hands, covering my face. The tears that I held back the last few days stream down my face as the clock hits midnight and a new year starts.

After dinner, Ethan and dad carry our suitcase to our rooms. We each got separate guest rooms that are connected through a bathroom. I follow them upstairs, carrying my backpack over my shoulder while Sarah stays downstairs. Both rooms are identical to each other just the windows and wardrobe are on the opposite sides. I sit down in my bed, while Ethan and Dad are talking loudly with each other. Ethan is in his room, starting to unpack and dad is mine, starting to unpack for me. My brain instantly thinks back to the moment Ethan and I moved to our flats in the student accommodation. I didn't want dad to unpack for me and he made himself to Ethan's help instead. That day I first met Niall. It feels like it has been years since we first met each other. It has only been four months but it feels like a life time tome. So many things happened ever since Niall helped me carrying that box. So many things that can't be change anymore. So many things that could have been avoided and lastly broke up apart.

"Olivia?!" Dad tears me out of my thoughts. I look up at him and see him brightly smiling at me. He's very happy to have Ethan and me around, he always is. "I'm guessing you're not going to unpack." He sits down next to me and puts his arm around my shoulder.

"Nope." I say and hope that I don't sound as miserable as I feel.

"Olivia, you can always talk to me about anything. You know that, don't you?" He says. His voice is much quieter than it was seconds ago.

"I know, dad." I say and rest my head on his shoulder.

"Should I ask?" He whispers.

"Not today." I mumble. Dad takes a deep breath, stands up and reaches his hand out for me. I take it and he helps me up. "Thank you." I whisper. He smiles, just winks at me and then goes through the bathroom to Ethan's room. Once he's gone and the door is closed, I take a deep breath and take my backpack. I take Niall's clothes out and take in the last bits of his scent. My heart starts racing and my knees start to feel wobbly again. I feel like crying again, but instead I fold the clothes and put them into the wardrobe.

"I'm going to take a bath!" I yell and don't get an answer. I didn't expect one anyways. After taking leggings, a sweater, underwear and a bra out of my suitcase, I go into the bathroom, lock the doors and let the water flow into the tub. When it's full, I turn music on before I get into it and sit down. My legs are pulled up, my arms wrapped around them and my head resting on my knees. I look up at the ceiling, taking in deep breaths.

I knew that it would be hard. I knew that being away from him would belike torture. But I didn't think that it would break me a little by little every day. I feel worst than I did before and at the same time a little bit better.

Niall deserves someone better.

That's what I tell myself and that's what eventually gets me through the day. I used to have bigger and better reasons to go through each day, but now there's nothing left really except for my family. I don't see a bigger and better reason anymore and I don't see where my life is going to head. I used to, but that's all in the past now.

I lay down in the tub and sink into the water, only keeping my nose a bit up to breathe. I don't feel any sense of time anymore. I don't know how long I've been here and I can't tell how many songs have passed since I took a step into this bathtub.

When my head slowly slides down, further into the water, I close my eyes. When the water is completely over my head, I stop to breathe. When I open my eyes again, still under water, I see my life playing in front of my eyes. The missing pieces from my childhood flow around as paper pieces until one picture forms. It's a little girl with rosy cheeks and dark hair, leaning against a little boy with dark hair as well. They are not siblings but it's clear that they are friends. Close friends. My heart wants to believe that they are the same little kids in my dream that run around and love each other. But before I can look closer it's gone and all I see is my life playing in fast forward in front of my eyes. I close my eyes again and hear a pounding on the door and yelling but I don't move. My body feels heavy and I feel like I'm sinking.

All I do is hope that Niall is better without me.