a random number texted me today

yeah

his name was isaiah and he was from milwaukee

thought i was the 'thicc thang' that danced with him in a club last night

had to tell him i was neither curvy nor in wisconsin

caoimhe o'connor, humbling one straight man at a time

i would be honored to have that job

wouldn't even need to get paid

TRUE

if a woman purposely gives a guy the wrong number, that usually means he's a creep

so no thank you

i will be defending my girl, tasha

the girl from the club apparently

mr. milwaukee has started to insult her ability to attract men, so i am simply going to ruin his self confidence completely and praise tasha

WAIT SHE USED TO DATE HIS BROTHER

WHY IS HE TRYING TO GET WITH HIS BROTHER'S EX

THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF BREAKING BRO CODE

WITH LITERAL BLOOD RELATED BROS

AND SHOULDN'T HE KNOW SHE WOULDN'T HAVE A FLORIDA PHONE NUMBER

what can i say, the spotlight loves me

that's just because my face is in them ;)

and because those people are cool as shit

brb gonna go watch a bunch of dylan o'brien edits cause you've inspired me

well you would've gotten all cranky that i wasn't responding

yeah right

you probably lay awake at night while i'm sleeping and think of me >:(

W H A T

this has to be some kind of sick joke

stop playing around, barty

HOLY SHIT HIS DAUGHTER'S 18 AND HIS SON'S 17

imagine having to listen to your dad rap about having sex all the time

we're not even that much older than them

it's weird

why didn't i realize he had a life outside of mr. worldwide

wait why did you even bring him up in the first place

well it worked, congrats

why were you panicking

stop that

there is no reason for you to be panicked

nevermind, keep going