for millie, because she's so sweet and hilarious and an aMAZING writer—like, holy cow

All over my body I'm numb. My skin is cold and dry, my heart barely feels like it's pumping, and my brain is throbbing with pulsating thoughts about what happened last night. And as I stand at my locker, just staring into the book filled space, I've come to one single conclusion.

I have to talk to Brady.

I slam my locker shut, not even bothering to grab the right binders, before turning and slowly beginning to walk down the hallway leading to first period. Every step weighs a ton as it slams into the floor of the school, and every innocent glance from an innocent passerby feels like a threat. I'm so paranoid that I can barely handle a strangers breath in my direction. My eyes are puffy and red from my sobs last night and this morning, my hair is tangled into a low bun, and my leggings and plain tee shirt are making its second debut on my body since last night. I've never felt so disgusting.

And then I see him.

His hands are shoved deep into his pants pockets, head down as he speed walks down the hallway. I want to scream but my voice won't allow it, so his name escapes my mouth in the form of a pathetic croak. "Brady."

He doesn't stop for me, instead moves even faster down the hall. I dash towards him and grab onto his shirt before jumping in his way. "Brady, listen to me." I plead with him, fingers digging into his blue, short sleeved tee shirt as my eyes attempt to connect with his downward cast ones. "I'm so, so—"

"Save it, Leah." He grumbles, swatting my hands from his chest.

I don't budge. "Will you at least let me explain?"

Brady looks at me then, his eyes a dark forest green. "Your lips on his was a good enough explanation for me."

"I'm sorry." I croak. "I know I messed up—"

"You did so much more than that." Brady was practically towering over me now, his shoulders broadening and the veins in his arms gently beginning to press against his tan skin. "You crushed everything that we had Leah, in one fucking night you managed to throw away ten years of a friendship and six months of a relationship. But worst of all," Brady's jaw clenches, "You threw it all away for dip shit like Ford Turner."

"I kn—"

"And for what?" Brady continues, and I then realize that my back is literally pressed up against the wall. "To experiment? Was I not good enough for you? Was my undying devotion and ... love for you not fucking enough?"

"Stop," I plead meekly.

"No, you stop." Brady grabs my wrist and slams my palm against his chest so that I can feel the erratic beat of his heart. "Stop this searing pain inside of me, this gut wrenching feeling of love and loss that's slowly consuming me. Stop my fucking heart from breaking for you." Brady's voice cracks but his face gives no sign of weakness. Unlike Ford, Brady is a stone cold wall when he's emotional.

"I'm sorry, Brady." I whimper as tears begin to fall, and honestly, that's all that I can say. I've completely reversed the roles—I'm no longer the heart broken, but the heartbreaker. I just wish that it had been Brady's heart that I would mutilate, but that's just the cards I've been dealt. "I'm so sorry."

"I bet you are." He mutters, just as the laughs that can only be identified as Kendra's fill my ears, and then both her and Landon are by our side.

"What's going on?" Kendra wonders, glancing first at my hand, then my tears, and lastly Brady's frozen composure. "Leah? Brady?"

"Get off her!" Landon attempts to break Brady's grip but fails, only causing him to tighten it to a painful amount.

I nearly fall to my knees in pain, "Brady, please." I whimper. "You're hurting me."

"What the hell is going on?!" Kendra cries out.

Brady finally releases me, shoving me backwards until I bump into Landon. "We're done." Is his final and sharp words before he turns on his heel and heads down the hallway that leads to the front entrance.

I don't know what to feel—pain, shock, pure and utter pity for myself, or a mixture of the four.

Kendra places her hands on my shaking shoulders and looks me dead in the eye, her beautiful blue orbs filled with sympathy. "Leah," She murmurs. "What happened?"

I shake my head vigorously. "I can't."

And then I'm running, away from Kendra and Landon, away from Brady, and away from my problems. I shove my way past students until I reach the first floor bathrooms, flinging myself in a stall and locking it tightly behind me. Then I'm on my knees, gripping the toilet seat, and vile is spewing out of my mouth after painful thrusts of my fingers down my throat. When the sobs erupt from the pit of my belly, face lingering in the toilet, I know that I've hit rock bottom once again.

I hate myself. I hate how easy it is for me to fall right back into this disgusting pattern of self pity and self loathing, and all because of a boy. I shouldn't have to deal with this right now. I should be happy, I'm so young and have so much potential but I let others rob me of it all, just for a few weeks spent in warm arms. And sadly, I doubt that it will ever change for me. I'll always be Leah Oberlin, the positive girl with the big, bleeding heart that simply wants to be loved. I'll also be Leah Oberlin, the weak and naïve girl who can barely keep down her breakfast. They're both me.

Forever and always.

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"I heard what happened."

Ford somehow looks worse than he did when he was drunk—his skin is even paler, his eyes are almost completely bloodshot (one even sporting a nifty purple bruise) and his entire demeanor just gives off horrible vibes. I want to feel bad for him, I really do, but doing that would involve feeling bad for myself and I've already done enough of that.

I slam my locker shut, quickly zipping up my coat. "So you have ears."

"I'm serious, Leah." Ford begins to walk beside me, and even though I'm power walking to try and avoid him, he doesn't seem to notice as five of my strides equals about two of his. "I just ... when it comes to you, I always find a way to mess everything up."

"Oh really? I didn't notice."

Ford grips onto my hand, stopping my power walking momentarily. "I mean it." He nearly spits. "Leah, I'm sorry."

And there it is, that horrible de ja vu. I said those exact words to Brady this morning and he completely ignored me, with good reason, and it felt like talking to a brick wall. If I'm going to forgive and forget, and expect the same from Brady, the time starts now with Ford.

"It wasn't all your fault." I sigh softly. "I kissed you back."

Ford fights a smile. "Yeah. But think about it," Ford subtly tightens his grip on my hand, his fingers falling into place with mine. "Maybe this is all a sign that ..."

"Not now, Ford." I murmur, pulling my hand from his and shoving them into my coat. "I can't do this with you. I need to make things okay with Brady."

"You two are broken up." He reminds me.

"So are we."

Ford smiles gently. "Touché."

"I should go." I say, pulling my backpack up my shoulder and pulling my phone out of my pocket. "I'm gonna take a nap and consider studying for finals."

"Sounds like you." Ford laughs.

I smile, no where near in the mood to laugh. I wish that I could tell Ford everything that has happened to me today, and I probably should've, but I didn't because I was so sick of him nagging and being worried about me. This would just have to be something that I kept to myself.

As I'm walking past Ford and closer to the exit, Ford speaks once again. "Promise me that kiss meant as much to you as it did to me." He calls to me. I don't respond, I just continue walking towards the exit.

If I had responded, I would have been lying because that kiss didn't mean as much to me.

It have a feeling that it meant more.

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i don't really have too much to say about this chapter besides tHANK YOU for everything that you guys have done so far for this story ❤️. we're nearing the end and just in case I forget to say it then—i love you guys a TON.

there's probably gonna be about six or seven chapters left in this story because i want to wrap this up nice and tight without any plot holes or anything (if you can think of one atm TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS). what do you guys think about this? do you think that Ford is right, that this is a sign? or are you just super mad at me about Brady? either way, let me know in the comments!

❤️