I don't wanna feel like this forever..

After the pool party, I've been nonstop thinking about what I should do with my life since everyone's got theirs all figured out.

Currently, I'm sitting on my bed with my notebook out in front of me as I bite down on my tongue to keep me from crying.

I wanted to cry because I felt like everyone was actually leaving me and I didn't know why, except I did and there was nothing that I could do about it.

It was like I was useless because there was nothing that I could say or do to change my friends minds, this is their dream and I can't get in the way of it.

"Take me back to the night we met, I don't know what I'm supposed to haunted by the ghost of you."

I sang along to 'The Night We Met' by Lord Huron, it was my only way of expressing my emotions without feeling invalid or dumb.

Singing and song writing was the only way I could show people my emotions without it being a messy story, without people telling me it was something that I was able to get over.

That's not comfort, that's discomfort and you're making me feel like my feelings and words do not matter to you.

I sighed as I grabbed a pen and began to write the first lyric to the song, I didn't know what I was going to write but I just let my hands do the talking that I knew I could never do.

After about fifteen to twenty minutes, I stopped writing due to my hands experiencing some cramps.

I stared at my notebook with tears flooding my eyes making my eyesight go blurry, this is one song I didn't want nobody to read or hear or sing to.

I thought you would stay for awhile, thought that'd I'd be okay for awhile.

I counted the days to respond, all the ways to respond to you..

Did I already tell you that joke? 'Cause you already know how it goes.

I feel like I'm talking too much, or I don't say enough, um-hm..

I guess I'm annoying, sitting at home in my paranoia but I really adora ya..

Uh-hm..

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy, like all my friends hate me.

Overthinking alone, no one picks up the phone, my anxiety tells me that you're better without me, now I'm crying alone, no one picks up the phone..

So somebody save me, save me, save me.

Do all my friends hate me, hate me, hate me?

I don't know..

I stopped at that part and sighed, I needed a moment to collect myself before I even decided to continue to write.

My dad always said I was good with words, it didn't matter if the song, poem or whatever I was writing was based on one simple emotion, I was good at expressing myself.

But when it came to verbal, I choked up and couldn't get what I wanted to say out.

It was as if my mouth was taped shut at the moment and whatever I wanted to say refused to come out of my mouth which resulted in tears.

Crying was my only way of communication, I didn't know what to say so I'd let my tears speak for me.

Whether it's angry tears, sad tears or happy tears, I would cry.

This was a special way for me, it was also the only communication I was taught growing up.

When your biological mother is working in the music industry, of course you're going to be learning this.

I closed my eyes and laid down on my back, staring at my ceiling as tears slipped down from my eyes and glided down the sides of my face.

The only thing I heard was the sound of my own beating heart which was beating loudly in my chest, it was like I was going into a depressive mode and I didn't want to because that's scary.

In my eyes, I would have nobody left at the end of the year and in my mind, everyone's already left me.

But physically, I know they're there and that they would never leave me but I wouldn't be able to prove that.

I don't wanna feel like this forever..

I whispered to myself as I cried even more, I didn't want to feel like I was some lost cause or some banana peel that would be discarded later on.

But I knew that this was all in my head and that it wasn't true nor real but that doesn't mean the little thoughts in my head would go away as soon as possible.

With every breath I took, it felt like my heart was getting closer and closer to bursting out of my chest.

I buried my head into my pillow as I cried even harder and louder, I laid there.

I lied there in my own pool of salty tears, because I was scared of abandonment.

Because I was scared of partial commitment, because I was afraid that when they leave, my issues would come back to haunt me.

But little did I know, they had already came back....