[unedited]

"orion, i'm sorry." i whisper into the phone for the sixth time this week. "i screwed up, don't be mad at me, please. call me back." i beg to the empty line.

laying back into the plush of my pillows i close my eyes. i couldn't get a wink of sleep, not after orion had walked out of my life. it was february now, and he had dropped out of school, disappearing without a trace.

no one seemed to care much. of course there were the occasional whispers, but people were more focused on the bags under my eyes, and my bird nest hair.

i was worried. more than worried, scared. after he stopped coming to school, i went to his house everyday, pounding on the door-despite the for sale sign planted on their front lawn-begging for someone to come out. yes, i was pathetic, but it was out of desperation.

the boy who used to invade my dreams was now the cause of my nightmares.

my mom grew worried after i skipped dinner for the third time, so she called my old therapist, scheduling me an appointment. i was mad at her for going behind my back. for thinking i needed help. for thinking i'd go down that dark road again. but when she told me about the appointment, i stared at her, the words chained up in my throat, my brain constricting them from spewing out of my mouth.

i wasn't in control of my body, and that's what scared me the most.

"ann, you're going to have to start telling me the truth one of these days." my ex therapist, susan, says with a sigh. note the emphasis on "ex". she was old news. i didn't need help, whatsoever. she was also extremely annoying. it was always "ann" this and "ann" that.

i was fine.

"susan," i start with an eyeroll. "seriously, mom's at it again. you know how it is, she overreacts. i just lost a friend, that's all. she thinks i'm going to," i make slicing motion across my neck. "but seriously, it's not a big deal."

she doesn't seem to hear my explanation, because her ears perk up at the word "friend". "you made a friend?" she asks curiously, jotting it down on her annoying notepad that she carries with her everywhere.

i bet she isn't even a verified therapist. she's far too impatient.

i shovel down the stew my mom's made for dinner, giving her an appreciative smile. "it tastes delicious." i praise, when in all honesty, i'd probably throw it up later. after a few days without food, something like this would throw me off balance, it would mess with my new sleeping schedule.

three sleeping pills, every night before bed.

at first, i was scared to touch them, to associate myself with the small addictive tablets again, but after numerous sleepless nights, i figured one couldn't hurt. and then two. and then three. yes, it was probably dangerous, but i had done it before, and i was still alive wasn't i? barely.

it was one time.

just once, and all of a sudden, i was a suicidal bomb about to explode.

i was diagnosed with depressive episodes. as if depression was just the punch line in a bad sitcom that could be turned on and off with a remote control.

they had given me sleeping pills to start with. to "help me sleep at night without the nightmares". i was immediately drawn to them. they were my ticket to happiness, even if it was for just a few hours. the girls at school didn't know how to keep their mouths shut, and the boys didn't know how to keep their hands to themselves. i felt so tired, and lonely.

it started out with two a night.

then cheryll had blown up pictures of me in a swimsuit, taken off of my mother's facebook, and told everyone that i was a featured porn star.

two turned to four.

then isabella had cornered me in the locker room after swim practice, shredding my clothes and cackling like a maniac. her groupies just stared.

four turned to five.

the next thing i knew, i woke up in a hospital room, my mom crying by my side.

i wasn't suicidal, and i most certainly didn't need help, but no one seemed to listen to me.

it was after that, that my mom switched me to a new school to start my sophomore year. things were of course much better, but i couldn't shake off the feeling of being alone.

i was better. i am better. this is just a distraction for the time being.

a/n

julesforsure my best friend and partner in crime x