[unedited]

"what exactly are we?" i ask, the rise and fall of his chest soothes me as i nestle closer to him.

"anything we want." he replies, running a gentle hand through my hair.

"what do you want?" i ask.

he doesn't respond.

at first it had been a struggle sneaking orion into my room at night and lying to my mom, but after a while, we fell into routine. winter break was nearly over, and orion hadn't faced his father. "i'll come with you." i had told him, grasping onto his hands. he pursed his lips, shooting me a firm look. "no anna."

the past weeks had felt like a dream, one that was bound to end, and i didn't know how to stop it.

"for you to be out of harm's reach." he says, breaking the silence.

"what?" i ask, feeling his heartbeat quicken in my ear through the thin material of his t shirt.

"you asked me what i want...and i want you to be out of harm's reach."

confused, i sit up, turning to look at him. "what do you mean? i'm not in danger..." i trail off.

"of course you are!" he sighs, shutting his eyes for a millisecond. "you're everything good in the world, all wrapped up into this one gorgeous person, and i'm destruction. destruction anna. i don't deserve you. i don't deserve anyone." his voice breaks off at the end, effectively silencing me. "but i can't stay away from you, because i'm selfish. b-because i think i love you."

his words stun me. was that how he really felt? it pained me to think that he was hurting. this was all new to me. friends, kissing, attachments. how am i supposed to decipher between love and lust? i cared about him, sometimes more than i cared about myself. i'd drop everything and anything to make him happy, but did that mean i loved him? what was love? enjoying one's company? not being able to stay away from them?

"you don't have to say anything back." he says, his voice hardening as he mistakes my silence for rejection. "i-i don't know what i'm doing, i don't even know what i'm saying. that was a mistake, i shouldn't have said things that i don't mean. " he's up, prying open my window and slipping out into the crisp winter night.

"orion please don't go!" i beg, grabbing onto his sleeve. "i just-"

"it was a lie. i only said it because i thought you might need a confidence booster. just leave me alone." he responds, venom dripping from his icy words. he shrugs off my grip and then he's gone.

all i can do is sit there on my bed and watch him leave. i ruined it. i've ruined my very first, and last relationship with anyone ever, because i was confused. i can tell i've hurt him, but what was i supposed to do? tell him that i loved him too when i didn't even know the definition of the word?

yes, you moron the voice in my head says.

"shut up!" i scream, flinging myself on my bed, my face crumpling in anger. how could i be so stupid?

i don't deserve to cry, but i do anyways.

a/n

TashiGreene who's writing calms my raging soul x