She flinched. She fucking flinched at my voice. Is she scared of me now? Does she already hate me after listening to Raniya? She should. She should hate my guts, I am not a man worthy enough to keep her. She deserves better than a broken man, who had the blood of his own wife on his hands.

"Did you not hear me the first time? I said get lost." I shout again, banging my hand on the wall. She steps back in fear, and I can't help but cringe at myself internally for scaring away the only good thing in my life.

Please don't go, don't leave me alone. My own monstrous thoughts will kill me. I can't take this anymore. I need you Jass, I need you so bad.

I can't voice out those thoughts though. I can't afford to. I turn my back on her, hoping she leaves but praying with everything in me she doesn't. I am a fucked up man.

I hear steps getting closer and I curse at myself for being elated. She never disappoints me, never. I feel soft hands wrap around my torso and something within me clicks. Right now, at this very instant I know I am in love. The deep rooted, forever kind of love. The kind that I haven't felt before, not with anyone.

The whirlwind of thoughts running in my brain stop, the pumping of my heart on the other hand seems to fasten it's pace. Something rushes throughout my body, I know its the aura of peace. She does that to me, she can be a wanton woman behaving like uncivilized brats when I am being boring and can be the vast calm sea, taking away all my anger with a mere touch of hers.

She fits perfectly in my life like a lost puzzle piece. I close my eyes, taking in as much as I could of her strong womanly warmth that holds the leash to all my desires. The only problem is, I am not the man she thinks I am. When she will know who I am, she will hate me and I would rather have her away from me than her hating me.

"Tujhe ek baar mein baat samajh nahin aati? Dur reh tu mujhse."

I jerk her body away from mine, walking away from my solace. Atleast as far as I could get without breaking down. She holds my wrist, turning it towards her. I hear her sob as she examined my hand. With furrowed eyebrows, I turn towards her only to see her eyes trained on my swollen hand. There is a reddish brown scum on my fingers, her tears fall on my hand incessantly as she continues to weep clutching it close to her heart.

Ek hi to dil hai, kitni baar jeetogi Jass.

I wipe her tears with the other hand, and for some reason she begins weeping more. I frown, trying to raise her chin but she just cries keeping her head down.

"Rona band kar Jass. Kya hogaya tujhe?" She wouldn't stop and just kept crying and crying. Is this girl crazy? Aise to ye behosh ho jayegi ro ro kar.

"Amyra Sadaf! Rona band kar abhi isi waqt." I state sternly and she just shakes her head in denial.

"Main nai stop karungi. Tum kahan meri baat sunte ho ki main tumhari sunun. Maine aur rona hai." She babbles like a child, wiping her snot against my shirt and I am too shocked to even cringe at her act.

She pulls me to the bed climbing on top of me, she hugs me very tightly, it almost suffocatted me.

Once her cries die down, she sniffles against my shirt and gets up bringing a tube which I am assuming she is going to apply to my wound. Even though there is plenty of space beside me on the bed, she chooses to sit on my lap with a cute frown as she applied the antiseptic on me.

"Tu mujhse ab tak kuch chupa raha hai tere pichle rishte ke baare mein. Dosti ka pehla usool hota hai no secrets, lekin tune kya kiya? Usse bhi tod diya. Mujhe bata kya hua tha tere aur Saniya ke beech mein."

I can't stop my body from stiffening at her question. She will hate me. She will abhor my existence if she finds out. No. No. No. I can't tell her. I struggle in her hold, trying to get out without having to push her away. But this crazy woman is damn stubborn.

"Leave me this instant Amyra. I don't consider you my wife to tell you the deepest secrets of my life. You are a nobody to me, you hold no importance for mmmmm."

I am absolutely, utterly gobsmacked with what just happened. Did she just slam her lips on mine? Her plump pink lips are sealed with mine, evoking emotions I haven't ever felt.

Her hand grabs the stem of my neck, pulling me closer as she moves her lips on mine. My last string of patience broke when her heaving chest comes in contact with mine and I know I am a goner.

Fuck it. I need her.

I grab her hips pressing her body completely to my hard chest as I begin responding to her kiss. My tongue licks her lips and the moan that escapes her throat almost had me undone. I palm her breast and she gasps, my tongue enters her mouth. The kiss soon becomes heated, as my hands pull away her hijab. Her long hair tumble down making me harder. I fist them, curling them around my fingers.

She has been too much of a tease lately. It was like burning in fire to resist her.

"To kya keh rahe the janab. Main koi importance nahin rakhti aapki life mein? To aapki dhadkanein kyun tez hain, bhaagne ki wajah se?" Her sarcasm has me chuckling. I can't hide it anymore, can I?

" I never loved Saniya. Infact, I never gave her any right over me as my wife. At least not as much as you exercise." She looks at me with a funny expression which states tell me something I don't know.

"When you left, it all felt empty. For a month, I couldn't even focus on my job. It was when they threatened to fire me, that i decided to let bygones be bygones. You hurt me so much back then Jass. I had spent most of my life in your company, I didn't know how not to think of you everytime an ice-cream parlor come before me, or when I see bikers racing on the street or when Eid came.

I spent most of my spare time wallowing in self pity. That's when Ammi decided it was a genius idea to get me married to uplift my mood. She thought I was spiralling into depression. Maybe I was. When Saniya came, things got worse to say the least. I wasn't fond of her. Not that she wasn't pretty, she was very beautiful. Just not who I wanted it to be." I stare at her to judge her expression and I can see a hint of jealousy at the corners of her eyes.

"I am not sure if you are going to believe me, but I never touched her for a full year that we were married. It just didn't feel good. I tried so much to accept her as my other half but I was stuck. In a shell. One month after our first year anniversary, Saniya fought with me. She accused me all sorts of things. She said maybe I was gay, maybe I was having an affair behind her back. She even went on to say I might have gone nuts. Who in his right state of mind wouldn't want to be physically involved with his willing wife, she said exactly.

That's when I lost it. My virginity I mean. I took her inspite of my brain screaming a big no. I didn't feel it with her, there was no connection. I felt so disgusted with myself for doing it but she was enjoying it. She was happy with the ooutcome of her outburst thinking I am finally falling for her. But I was so ashamed, she didn't know it was just my frustration coming out. I was giving her what she wanted, but not willingly.

She had three orgasms while I was struggling for the first. I somehow came and in my anger spilled my seeds in her. That's not what I wanted. The next day I woke up with such regret, I felt like I was drowning. I apologized to her, said it was a mistake but she wouldn't listen.

I vowed to never disrespect her like that again, and I didn't. She tried doing the same thing again, so we end up having sex but I didn't give in. One month later, we found out she was pregnant. That's when my world started tilting the other way. Even when he was in her womb, Faizu was my only source of happiness.

My happiness didn't know any bounds when I held him in my hands for the first time. That's when I decided, I would bear Saniya for the rest of my life for the sake of my kid.

One month after his birth, Saniya began fighting with me again. Saying she wants her full right as my wife. And I fought back just as hard. Between the quarrelling, our wedding photo broke. That day, she told me she can't take it anymore. She said she would leave and I can keep my son. My heart broke at the prospect of my son living without a mother's love. I wanted to convince her to stay, but I somehow couldn't open my mouth. She ran out of the house with her car keys in anger.

And she returned with a white coffin wrapped around her. I should have stopped her that day. I should have accepted her wish. She died because of me in that accident. I am the reason she is dead Jass, I am a murderer." I succumb to my miseries, sobbing in her chest. She holds me close to her, soothing me with her fingers running on my back.

It's over now. She will leave me. My Jass will run away from me now and I can do nothing but accept it.

But she gave me the shock of my life when she lifted my head up and pecked me again. She cups my cheeks, looking deeply in my eyes as her own tears flow down.

"It's not your fault Aly. Her death is not your fault. It was only Allah's will. Don't beat yourself up for it." I could do nothing but stare at her amazed, how much kindness does she actually have in her?

"As far your relation with her is concerned, I don't have any right to say about it. But know this Aly, I am so proud of you for holding yourself so strongly inspite of such difficulties. I can't say i feel your pain, but I know you enough to realise you wouldn't hurt anyone willingly. You are so strong for going through so much pain but still being the man you always were." Her eyes reflect the sincerity her words spoke.

"You are my hero. For smiling with us despite holding such huge pain in your heart. For behaving normally even though you felt like closing up. For laughing with your son, to hide the tears of regret. You are a survivor of failed marriage. You are a hero in my eyes Aly. Don't you dare think any less of yourself."