I woke up to Harmony shaking me. I was sleeping on the couch at her place and had been for the last three weeks. It was only so she wouldn't be the only one up and down with Kaiser when he was ready to eat at night.

"What's up" I sat up rubbing my eyes

"Did you fed Kai?"

"Nahh I haven't heard him cry"

"I woke up and it's 4, I didn't know if you gave him his 3am bottle" she rushed towards his room

"Maybe he's sleeping longer"

I laid back down waiting for her to come out but was jolted up by her scream. I jumped up and ran into Kai's room to see her holding him. As I got closer I could see his face didn't have the color it normally did. I grabbed him from her and started CPR.

"Call 9-1-1!" I yelled at Harmony

I continued to do CPR as she paced the floor talking to the operator. It felt like forever before we heard the paramedics at the door. Harmony ran to let them in but I just kept doing CPR hoping to hear my son cry again.

When they took him from me, my tears finally began to fall. They started working on him as they left out of the apartment with us behind. We both got into the ambulance and headed to the hospital. We were rushed inside and he was taken to a restricted area. I had to hold Harmony up as she cried to see him.

I sat her down before pulling out my phone to call my parents. My dad answered with worry in his voice and only panic more when he heard me crying. I could hear him waking up my mother as I explained what happen. I took Harmony's phone and called Destiny to tell her too. She wasn't there when we left but said she was headed home when she answered. I told her what happen and she freaked out too. I sent Cole a text, not able to hear another person breakdown, before I sat down beside Harmony. I held onto her and prayed that my baby would be okay.

Everyone arrived within minutes of the calls. First it was Destiny then my parents and Cole. Just as they hug us and sat down a doctor called out calling our names. Harmony jumped up but I could feel the sorrow radiating off the doctor. Once I was next to Harmony he shook his head at us.

"I'm so sorry"

Harmony screamed falling to the ground.

"We've done everything medically possible. We trying to understand how this could have happen but from the look of it, it is a case of sudden infant death syndrome. Physically there seems to be nothing wrong...."

I could no longer hear his words as my vision became blurry. I felt my body getting weak just before I fell as well. I felt someone catch me and figure it was Cole or my father but I couldn't focus on anything else. All I could hear was his words repeating over and over again. My son was gone...

___________________

I've been locked in my house for three days since the hospital. The only company I keep is the bottles of liquor I snuck out to get when Cole was stayed the first night. I've been nursing a different bottle every day with my doors locked and my phone off.

I sat on the floor looking at my favorite pictures of my beautiful baby boy.

He was special and had so much life in him... only to be snatched away. I began trying to rationalize it all for the millionth time, only to come up with it was my bad karma. I had been so fucked up to so many people, Essence being the icing on the cake. This... this had to be my punishment.

My mind was clouded by the alcohol as I stumbled to get up and grabbed my keys. I watched my surroundings, looking that no familiar faces were outside my door before I stumble to the garage and into my car. It was as if I was watching myself from the inside but had no control over what I was doing. I didn't even know where I was going.

When the car stopped I tried to look at my surroundings but my vision was blurred at this point. I could see my fist banging on the door. I could hear my voices slurred begging from the door to be opened. It was as if it was a drunken dream. When the door open, I fell inside and into arms the felt so familiar.

"Pharaoh! Oh My God!"

Everything became foggy and her voice became muffled along with mine.

I looked at my phone to see it was 3am. I figured Kira got drunkenly dropped off by a lyft since it was the 4th of July. My face contorted to confusion when I heard I deep drunk voice. I continued to the door and opened it slightly, only for the person to push it making me move back.

My eyes landed on Pharaoh who was clearly drunk off his ass. Before I could speak he fell into my arms.

"Pharaoh! Oh My God!"

"It hurt Essence! It hurt so bad!"

"Pharaoh—"

"He's gone! My baby is gone!"

I was confused as I pulled him inside and closed the door. I struggled but successfully pulled him up against the door.

"Can you walk?" I asked slapping his face

He nodded before closing his eyes again. I shook my head pulling him towards the guest room. It had been four months since we last saw each other or spoke. I knew whatever happen to his son broke him, if he ended up here. I had been working on forgiving him since I was in the hospital and felt this was Gods test.

I sat him on the bed and he immediately pulled me between his legs wrapping his arms around me. I started to pry him off of me until I realized he was crying into my chest.

"Rao Rao—"

"He took my baby man"

"Who took him?" I stroked his hair holding him "Who took the baby Rao?"

"God!" He held me tighter "He took my little boy from me Ess! He didn't do anything! He didn't get to live his life! Why he have to take my baby man?! I was being a good dad! I was always trying!"

"Oh Pharaoh I'm sorry honey" I hugged him tight "I know it hurts. I know you loved him... but God sometimes has to take the best angels back!"

"But he was mine!" He sobbed "I know I was foul and didn't deserve to be happy but my baby boy made me happy! I'm sorry man! I'll never hurt anybody again! I just want my baby back"

"Pharaoh it doesn't work that way" I pulled his face out of my chest so he could look me in the eye "You did NOTHING to deserve losing your son! Don't ever talk like that again! It's not your fault! It's not anyone's fault! Our time comes and we have to go home to God no matter the age or circumstances! You'll always be an amazing father Pharaoh!"

"I just want my baby back E" he sniffled

"I know pooh"

I hugged him again and held him until I felt his body relax. Sure enough he drifted off to sleep slightly, only waking up when I moved away him. I got him to stand up so I could pull the covers back. He sat on the bed and I took off his shoes before making him lay down. I caressed his face as I prayed over him while he drifted back asleep.

Once he was asleep I went back to my room and locked the door. I sat in my bed and broke down in tears. Seeing Pharaoh so heartbroken from losing his son hurt deeper than words could explain. I tried to calm down and go to sleep but the tears wouldn't stop. I pulled the ultrasound picture from my pillow case and stared at it.

I had finally come to a decision and wanted to stick by it no matter how wrong I knew it was. I shook my head before putting the picture back in it's hiding space. I closed my eyes and rested for a few more hours since my appointment was at 8am.

I jerked out of the bed at the sound of my alarm. I closed my eyes praying that I dreamt everything that I remembered vividly. Once I got out of the bed, I went straight to the guest room to test my fear.

And there he was, sleeping like it was his face sleep in days. I shook my head before closing the door and going to my room. I got ready as quietly as possible, not stepping out of my room until it was time to leave. I stopped and got out a piece of paper to leave him a note. Once I was done a read over it to be sure of everything I said.

I took the letter to the kitchen and placed it on the counter with some Advil and Gatorade. I shook my head and grabbed my stuff before leaving out. The walk to the car felt longer and heavier than ever before. When I got inside I prayed about the visit before I drove off.

I pulled up at Choices Reproductive Health and cringed at the anti-abortion protestors out front. They all watched with looks of sorrow as headed inside. I signed in and sat in a corner. I began praying again until my name was called.

The walk to the back felt as if it was in slow motion. The nurse sat me down and instantly a doctor walked in with someone beside him. They both smiled at me before speaking.

"I'm Dr. Harper and this is Ms. Brielle one of the social workers here. So Essence" he read my file "What brings you her today"

I took a deep breath and sighed

"Well...."

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😂