I cleaned up the condo in preparation for my aunts arrival. It was only noon so there were still four hours of time to kill before she got there. The whole time I was cleaning I couldn't help but think about my conversation with Pharaoh and feel like a bad friend. Once I was done cleaning, I decided to see Gianni. I wasn't ready to have the conversation but I would do anything for my friendship with her.

I changed into my work out clothes then decided to walk since her apartment was only a couple block from my condo. Throughout the walk I tried to figure out what I would even say to her. I couldn't even get a starting point for the conversation. I hadn't talked about it in so long, I didn't know if I could. When I got to her door, I took a deep breath before knocking. It only took a few minutes before the door open to Jordan looking surprised.

"Wassup Ess?"

"Hey Jojo" I sighed "My girl here?"

"Yeah come in, I'm about to head home anyway"

I nodded and followed him into her place. She was sitting on the couch eating a bowl of fruit. She looked up at me and sighed before rolling her eyes and looking back at her bowl of fruit. I sat beside her and stole a strawberry making her glare at me.

"I'll be back tonight baby" Jordan said before leaving

She nodded but didn't speak. It was awkwardly silent between us and I knew it was my fault. I looked at her and noticed her eyes were read. Gianni must've been crying earlier and it made my heart break more.

"Gigi" I sighed "You know you're my best friend and I love you"

She shrugged

"Don't do that!"

"I mean I thought that... but I guess I was wrong"

"Gi---"

"We not supposed to have secrets! I've told you everything there is to know about me! You've been there for so much shit! Why can't you be open with me?"

"I---"

"No answer the question! I don't want no bullshit! Be real Essence! What's up"

"Gianni you don't get it"I felt my eyes watering "I don't talk about it because it hurts so bad to even think about! I just can't do that"

"Ess" she grabbed my hand

"I've been pretending those memories don't exist because it's the only way I can stay hole. I can't let it break me again Gigi. It took so long to get to here. I might not be perfect but I'm... I'm still able to live at least a little"

"Ess" she sighed "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you here. If you don't want to talk to me---"

"It's not that at all though" I sniffled "I just don't know how to talk about it without breaking again"

"I'll be here for you Ess! I won't let you do that! You've held me together, let me do it for you!"

I paused to think of where to start. I felt the tears rolling as I looked up at her. I knew I could trust Gianni, but I didn't know if I could trust my sanity.

"You've never asked about my dad you know" I sniffed "Why?"

"I always just assumed he wasn't around. Yall talked about him in the past tense like he die when we were younger but sometimes the twins talk as if he's alive"

I sighed but smiled thinking about my daddy.

"He's alive... He's in jail"

"What did he do?"

"According to the state of Louisanna... attempted murder"

Her mouth dropped but she didn't speak. She closed her mouth and grabbed my hand so I would keep talking.

"I was fifteen... I was quiet and shy but I had a bunch of friends all over the school. I played volleyball and did debate" I smiled remembering the few good memories but it quickly faded "I never knew life could change so fast"

"What happen?"

"This senior, Jacobi Lancaster" I exhaled trying not to throw up "I liked him so much but I knew I was too young to be talking to him. He was nineteen but hadn't graduated. He was the school all-star, Mr. Popular" I rolled my eyes "And I had his attention"

She rubbed my back as the tears followed faster.

"He asked me to be his girl and dumb as me said okay. We had only been talking for maybe a month. For about two months it was cool... but then Christmas came. He convinced me to go to a party with him. We weren't even there two minutes before I realized I didn't know any of the people there. He said it was his friends who were in college. He lied to them saying I was eighteen and a senior" I shook my head "The longer we were there the more uncomfortable I got. I practically begged him to take me home before we left"

"Please tell me he took you home?" her face was getting red which meant Gianni was angry

"I wish I could man" I sniffled "He told me we were going to make one more stop at his other friends kickback. It wasn't bad. It was just a few couples chilling at this apartment. We didn't sit with them though. He pulled me back to a room saying he wanted to talk"

"Ess" she shook her head "Please tell me..."

"I fought Gigi" I cried harder "I knew when he kissed me he wasn't going to let me out. I pushed and fought then ran but the door was locked. He grabbed me and I just screamed"

"O--"

"They turned up the music" I looked at her "His friend blasted music over my screams for help! To be saved! He rapped me over and over again for hours! Then he just left me there! I didn't know where I was! My dressed was ripped! I was bruised all over!"

"How did you get home?"

"I passed out at one point. When I woke up he was gone and it was five in the morning. Everyone had left that apartment. I couldn't walk because it hurt so bad. It felt like forever til i finally got out of that apartment. I started banging on doors asking for help. This older lady saw me as she was headed home. She was a nurse and was so sweet" I smiled faintly "She help me as I broke down crying in her arms. She took me to her hospital and stayed with me until my parents got there"

"Did you tell them?"

"I didn't have to. The doctors basically said with all the bruises and scar tissue I was definitely raped... first time I ever saw my daddy cry" I shook my head "I couldn't shed another tear but watching my father cry broke me. I felt like such a disappointment and a failure"

"What did your dad do?"

"My auntie convinced him to let justice work it out" I shook my head and scoffed "I knew it would never matter. I was nobody and he was the school star"

"Nothing happen?!" Her mouth dropped

"We filed the police report and he was arrested. They tested the DNA and everything was lined up..."

"But?"

"But they argued I lied after sneaking out to be with my boyfriend. My parents didn't even get to speak on the fact that they knew I was with him"

"Damn"

"Fuck up part is they dismissed it and I'm a social pariah... only to find out that the judge who dismissed the case is the father of his best friends who's house we were in"

"You can't be serious?!"

"Yup" she sighed "Apparently, if he would've when to jail, the friend would've been charged with endangering the welfare of a minor"

"Remind me to never go to Louisiana"

"I can't go back there anyway. People still haven't forgotten. I didn't have social media in high school for a reason" I felt the tears coming again "My daddy was pissed and refused to let it go. He went to his house and beat him within inches of his life with a Louisville Slugger"

"Damn pops! Fuck it up then!"

I smiled "He said he'd do anything for me and to keep me safe. Dude parents pulled up and he even fought his dad for raising him"

"So they sent your dad to jail?"

"He pled guilty and took the deal they offered for basically not getting the justice I deserved" I broke down again "It's all my fault! My family is so fucking broken because of what happen to me! We came out here because my momma couldn't face our family. She blamed herself and so did my father"

"Baby" she hugged me "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"It's just too hard to relive. But you're my best friend so there you have it. My secrets out and now you know why i don't trust my niggas... why I'd rather be alone forever that have someone ruin my life again"

"Baby you can't let your past dictate your future. You'll be miserable if you compare ever experience with a man to the one you had with a sick little boy"

"I can't do it Gianni" I shook my head trying to calm down "I still have nightmares about that night... they randomly come around Christmas time"

"Where did you use to go for the breaks? You always said you were going back home?"

"We'd go to Louisiana... my grandma passed down some land in Slidel that my aunt and daddy built this huge house on. It's the only place down there that I ever feel safe. Nobody knows it's our family's house so it's like a safe haven"

"Do the twins know?"

"They know something happen but they don't know the details. They were really young so my mom always kept them away from that shit. When people started with the negative bullshit at their school is really when we packed up and left"

We sat in silence for a minute as I calmed down fully and wiped my face. It wasn't a comfortable silence but it wasn't awkward either. It was simply silent. After a while Gianni broke it as she stroked my hair.

"I'm always here for you sis. You don't have to carry this shit alone anymore. I know your mom wouldn't want you like this. Momma Evelyn would be heartbroken to know you're holding all this on your own" she sniffled "I got you okay?"

"Okay"

We hugged which led to us laughing.

"I love yo crazy ass Ess"

"I love you too Gi"

"And it's okay to like Pharaoh. He's has a player history true enough... but most guys do. The difference is Pharaoh is more like Jordan believe it or not. He's honest when it comes to his dirt. Don't let fear stop you from experiencing your first go at something real. I know because I've never scene either of you act like this with one another"

I sighed "I don't know if I can though. I like having Pharaoh as a friend. I honestly enjoy our connection with each other. Relationships complicate things. Plus he doesn't feel the same. Pharaoh likes my big ass booty but other than that I'm just his homie"

"Stop friendzoning him and yourself. Let me show you this video and we'll see if it works"

"Okay"

"Trust me it'll work"

She pulled out her phone and went to a video by Wil Aime. She knows I love his videos but I'd never seen this one. I laughed before shit connected to her tv and it played.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

When the video ended we both broke out laughing. We kept watching his videos along with old HotDamniRock videos completely forgetting about the situation with Pharaoh. And honestly, I was just happy to have my right hand by my side again. We never fight but when we not on good terms it hurts. I love know no matter what we can get through anything.