oh my my, oh my

feat. y'all better stream home; run or imma whoop yo ass!!

“w– what the asdfafsgd??!!!!!!!”

you couldn't help but let out a shriek. you have just woken up and the first thing that you saw was a–

“a cockroach?!” the door bursted open revealing hiroto holding a slipper (“no! and put that slipper down, you're not gonna use that as a weapon to kill a goddarn cockroach, that's g*cci..!”).

“you found out fudou was the one who ripped your plushies?” kidou's head poked behind the door (“wait, what?” “what?” “akio did what?”).

“a snake?!” goujin showed up, a soccer ball right in front of his foot. you widened your eyes when he was about to kick, “fire le–”

“it's a baby! a baby, okay?!” (“and what the hell is wrong with you, why would there be a snake in my room?” “didn't atsuya hide a snake under your bed as a prank?” “... wait, what?”)

“ooh, so it was just a baby. you scared me, manager.” goujin said as he laughed. before it dawned over him; “wait, a... baby?” there was a moment of silence, and you knew you had to cover your ears.

“.. ‘a baby’, you say?!”

—

“okay so... manager kissed someone and then she had a baby?”

goujin said after a few moments. everyone sigh and shook their heads. “no, goujin, what manager was trying to say is–”

“the stars love manager so much they sent her a baby in a golden fleece?” kidou gave up, and pinched the bridge of his nose. “! seriously, what were you doing during your biology class?” you rolled your eyes.

“okay, i'm gonna explain this one more time, goujin. so, remember when i turned into a child because squiggles took too much mana from me?” you looked at goujin straight in the eyes, explaining in the calmest way as possible.

“... yeah?” you sighed in relief, “okay, that's great. so, squiggles gets sick once in a year whenever he takes too much mana from me. he shrinks into a tiny bud and so the mana fluctuates and returns to my body.”

“okay, okay..?”

“this time, squiggles is sick, so the mana returned back to me, that means i have too much mana inside me. whenever there is too much mana inside a body, there's a huge chance that the body might explode. that's why there are safety measures taken in order to avoid this from happening. once the body detects that the mana is too much for the body to handle, the magic, out of instinct, makes a medium where the excess mana is stored.” and then you smiled, pointing towards the baby in hiroto's arms, “the medium, in my case, is a baby.”

it was silent until goujin nodded, “oh i see, so the baby came out of squiggles! i get it now.”

you grew an irk mark before taking a deep breath (‘calm down, y/n, calm down, you shouldn't kill him, just imagine that this is a dumb rj, okay? okay’).

“okay goujin, let's try that one more time. i'll be explaining for the very last time in a very very simple manner.” you said before taking one more deep inhale.

“squiggles is blergh, so the mana is woah. my body went grr because the mana might get pow! so to avoid that, my magic went shuwa, and then the baby is born.” you said as the boys only sighed.

and then they face palmed when goujin actually nodded, “oh, so the baby was born because your body might explode and you could die? i get it now.” (“how did he actually get that?!”)

“finally, you understood!” you let out a sigh of relief before approaching the baby. “now let's take a proper look on this little darling here...” you cooed as you crouched to tap the baby's nose, “aw, she is so cute and so small.”

“yeah...”

“goo, goo..” you leaned when the baby stared up at you with her big sparkling eyes. you blinked when she started to reach her hands to you, “muhm muhm, gaa, muhm muhm..!” you immediately stepped back when a smell reached your nose.

you all looked down at the puddle of urine at the floor, before staring up at hiroto's wet arms. his elbow was trickling with the baby's urine.

“what the fu–” “language.”

you bit your lip to hold back a laugh. hiroto shot you a glare when he heard a laugh escape your lips, “shut up.” you all burst into fits of laughter. “i'm so glad i didn't hold her earlier, because i was about to.” you laughed, wiping your tears.

“how about you all quit laughing and take her away from me so i can change.” hiroto deadpanned, as shirou laughed before taking the baby away from hiroto. “let's also get her changed.” he said before disappearing with kazemaru.

“then, i'll just buy some nappy and some food that she can eat.” you said. you stopped when hiroto suddenly called, “i'll go with you.” you laughed and then looked at him, “i think the people out there wouldn't appreciate having a guy smelling like piss ruin their day.” you giggled as hiroto rolled his eyes, “i'll get changed quickly.”

you nodded, smiling, “sure, i'll just wait for you at the door.”

—

“we're home..”

you knocked on the main door. you looked behind you to see hiroto holding the bags of groceries. you narrowed your brows when no one opened the door. “it's locked. i left my keys on my room, did you bring your duplicate?” you asked hiroto. he wordlessly settled the bags down to free his hand, before fishing the keys out of his pocket.

“thanks.” you opened the door and immediately headed to the living room, where you found all of the guys sleeping everywhere; on the sofa, the floor, near the door, just everywhere.

“i guess they got tired.” you laughed. you spotted the baby laying on top of nosaka's chest, her chubby cheeks squished because her head was turned at the door. no one was awake, even nosaka and fudou was asleep.

“let's put the baby on her crib.” hiroto mumbled as he carefully carried the baby from nosaka's chest and into his arms. you followed him into your room and opened the door for him.

you watched as hiroto gently tucked the baby in silently, before talking, “.. you would make a great father.” you said after a while. hiroto blinked, his brows furrowed, before he looked at you.

“to your children? maybe.”