"Hello...Magnus?" I call into the empty room, "You said you needed to talk to me, what is it? Something about Mom?"

"Nice to see you, Buttercup!" Magnus greets me cheerfully, "I wasn't sure you'd come"

"Why wouldn't I?" I frown suspiciously and Magnus clicks his fingers, a large glass of dark red wine appearing between my fingers

"You know how I hate to drink alone" Magnus simpers

"I do" I nod, my suspicion heightening, "I also know you like to drink red wine when you're feeling particularly devious so...what are you doing?"

"Why nothing!" Magnus protests, feigning offence, "I just merely wanted to talk to you about the wedding happening soon"

"Magnus" I warn

"Buttercup" Magnus replies, copying my tone, "I just want you to know you have my full support behind you..."

"Thank You"

"...Which is why I have been speaking to Alexander privately in the hopes to change his mind."

"Magnus!" I shout, slamming the wine glass down. The blood red liquid slops over the rim of the glass, falling in spattered droplets on the wooden table, "Why?! I told you to stay out of it! God, I'm at my wit's end with you!"

"Well, convincing you to make a move was proving vastly too difficult so I switched tactics" Magnus explains, "Now, come, Buttercup, surely you aren't that angry with me? I know how you both feel-"

"So do we, Magnus!" I protest, "We also both know that when it comes to family and our seperate futures, love or whatever it could potentially be takes a permanent backseat! You know how I feel about this why do you keep meddling?!"

"Because you are destines to be"

"Ugh, enough of that hippie dippie psychic bullshit!" I growl, "This is reality and in reality, love and dating aren't the most important things! Especially in this world."

"I'm only trying to help-"

"But you're not!" I scream, "You're making it harder!"

I slump into Magnus' most comfy chair, grabbing the cow-shaped pillow beside it. I needed the comfort right now.

The silence in the air settles like a solid glass wall and I notice Magnus' offended expression. He truly thought he was helping.

"Magnus, I'm sorry for getting so worked up" I apologise, "But you really are making it harder for me to accept this, to let it happen. This is important, it needs to happen. For his sake and mine."

"Why?!" Magnus gapes incredulously, "Why is this so important? What could be more important than your happiness?"

"I am happy"

"No, you're not" Magnus sighs, "You're miserable, I can see it. And all for what? To protect your sister? To 'figure yourself out'? You know those are just excuses."

"Maybe they are" I allow, squeezing the cow pillow tighter, "But even then, I can't be selfish and get in the way of Alec's plan to restore his family honour, to fix what his parents broke, to live out his dream, to become the Head the New York Institute so desperately needs"

"And he can't do all of that with you?"

"No" I insist, "He can't. I can't restore family honour, I'm at the bottom of the pit. Daughter of Valentine, a cursed mundani, not even a Shadowhunter? I'd make the Lightwood name worse"

"Alec doesn't think that."

"It doesn't matter, Mags, I've told you" I whine, "It matters what the Clave see, what his parents see, not what he does."

"It shouldn't"

"But it does!" I cry, "Magnus, why do you keep pushing this?! You're confusing me, making me doubt myself!"

"Confusion and doubt is part of it" Magnus exclaims, "That's how you find out if something worth fighting for is there! Emotions are never black and white, Camille. They're more like...symptoms."

"You lose your breath every time they enter a room..." Magnus continues, clicking his fingers. Immediately, the breath leaves me, the way it does every time I spot Alec whether it be from across the room or right beside me

"Your heart beats faster when they walk by" He clicks his fingers again and my heart accelerates to a hummingbird's pace, I let out a gentle sigh, pressing my hand to my heart, feeling it thrum against my ribcage

"Your skin tingles when they stand close enough to feel their breath" Magnus exhales softly and i feel the hair on the back of my exposed neck rise and shudder softly, "I know you both feel the same way, Camille. Denying it, pushing it away, it won't change it."

"Stop" I sob, tears flowing freely from my eyes now. Everything he'd magically done to me, I'd felt every time Alec was near and the brutal honesty of it was too much, "Please. It's too-"

"Painful?" Magnus whispers, "It's not going to leave you, Camille but the difference is...you won't be able to do anything about it. He'll be married, untouchable. Are you really willing to subject yourself and him to that pain forever? He won't be happy with Lydia, he's not in love with her. He's in love with you."

The words pound into me like a sack of bricks, knocking the breath out of my chest completely, winding me.

He was right, of course he was right, but could I really be so selfish?

Could I really do this? Ruin a wedding, destroy his chance of restoring family honour, risk his chances of becoming Head of the Institute, force him to give up his life just for me?

He could lose his family, his career, everything.

No.

No, I couldn't.

*******

You worried yet?

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