Take your time reading this one (':

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I didn't hear anything from Taehyung after that night. The days piled up at an almost agonizing pace, the next day not leaving me less frustrated and perplexed than the previous. My mind did nothing but wondering if he remembers anything at all, but when a week eventually passed, bringing this break to an end with school starting only in a couple of days, I gave up hope.

The pain in his voice, his tears, his desperation.. Not a single second went by without me recalling every word he said that night. I feel like I'm slowly going insane thinking about him, reflecting over what could be and if there's a chance in us lasting if I decide to try one more time. The last thing I want is to abandon him, but maybe that's the wisest choice I can make right now..

I hate being this clueless.

Sighing loudly, I get up from my bed and drag my heavy, gloomy self to the kitchen. Some orange juice never fails to make me feel better. Maybe I should make some tea? You can never go wrong with tea.

Just when my hand was reaching for the cupboard, the sound of the doorbell ringing makes me stop mid-motion.

Who the hell..?

I slowly approach the door, cursing my parent's absence since I hate talking to strangers at the door, especially when I don't have backup. With a thumping heart, I eventually open the door and to my surprise facing this person with their back turned to me, as if they were leaving.

My arrival causes the person to halt before slowly turning around, their movements almost hesitant. It takes a good five seconds for me to process that he was actually here once he fully faced me.

We end up staring at each other for a long, long moment, the chilly wind seeping in from outside making my legs cold. For a moment I couldn't sort my thoughts out since thousands of questions and emotions left a turbulent mess inside me. My brain went haywire just trying to figure out what to even say to him.

The smallest tug on the edge of his lips makes my brain enter full-on blackout mode, waiting for him to disrupt the silence.

"You told me to find you," Taehyung says, voice gentle and mellow. A lump instantly forms in my throat, subconsciously holding my breath the moment I recognize where he got that from.

Does him being here mean that he really got help? The realization feels surreal; I didn't even want to 100% believe it yet until I let him explain.

His sigh makes my thoughts disperse, capturing my full attention. "There are some things I want to say to you, if you're willing to listen. I'm sorry if me coming here was sudden I could've texted-"

"It's fine," I interrupt him, not wanting him to feel bad for no reason. I step aside in gesture for him to enter. "Come in quickly, it's cold." He carefully steps over the threshold and closes the door behind him. "Do you want some tea?" I ask as he takes off his shoes and coat.

"I'm good, thank you," he says, somehow looking so shy and small standing one step away from me. I feel nervous, too, as if it's been months since the last time we saw each other; it honestly feels like it's been that long.

"Wanna talk in my room or..?"

He nods. "Sure, doesn't really matter."

We then silently make our way up the stairs to my room, thanking myself that I took the time to clean today out of boredom. We sit at each respective ends of the bed, the silence-cloud around us still thick to the point where it is mentally suffocating me.

He chuckles suddenly, though not in a humorous way. "Wow, I've gone through everything I want to say to you in my head at least a thousand times, but now I don't even know where to start." Burying his face in his hands, he sighs again after rubbing his eyes.

"I met with a psychologist," he eventually says. A long, long silence then fell over us, unfortunately allowing my thoughts to spiral into oblivion. I clutched onto my own hands tightly, hoping to conceal how much they were trembling.

"And.. it didn't even take him three seconds before concluding that I have PTSD after telling him everything. So far I've only gone to two sessions, but I finally understand why I can't control myself in certain situations and why I react the way I do. He says it can take months or years, but it won't burden me forever."

His gaze is stuck on his fiddling hands whereas my pulse throbs in my throat.

"That night mom left.. I saw my dad beat her. They had fought for months but this time it was different -- it was much worse. She warned him that he'd lose us if he kept drinking, but he got really aggressive that night that I was honestly scared for her life. And when I saw blood on the floor... I panicked. I promised her to stay in my room no matter what but I so badly wanted to stop him. I've never felt that insignificant and weak in my entire life -- because what the hell could a twelve year old do to a grown man? Realizing that I would only make things worse, I hid in my room waiting for mom to tell me that we were going to leave him. But she didn't come back for me.. And I thought I'd never see her again."

He blinks hard, chewing the inside of his cheek. "I kept having nightmares about that night, some worse than others. I couldn't move on because of them. Some nights I would force myself to stay awake just to avoid reliving that moment that ruined my life. I almost went insane wondering what I could've done differently, how I could've made her stay. For six years I felt like I had no one. I felt like nothing.."

My lips part, thinking that I'd say something but no words come out. I remain mute, eyes locked on his slouched form and intertwined hands. He finally looks up and meet my gaze, causing my throat to tighten further.

"I remember everything you said. At first I thought it was all a dream, but then Jackson told me that you really did get me home and I felt both relieved and guilty at the same time. I'm so sorry that you had to do that for me.. You've always been there for me, and the fact that you've told me over and over that I shouldn't hold anything in.. I never really understood what you meant, or I didn't know that things would end up like this- ugh, what am I even saying," he groans, dragging his hands down his face.

I wanted to reach over and hold him, comfort him, so badly. Though I couldn't get myself to move at all.

He takes another deep breath, looking at the ceiling. "I thought people wouldn't understand if I told them.." he murmurs, then looking back at me again. "I thought they'd just judge me for being too sensitive or weak, though I was the only one convincing myself that I was just that. I kept believing that I'd get over it. It would take time, but I really thought it was something I could cope with on my own if I just acted like it didn't affect me. I was wrong, obviously.."

He starts playing with his fingers, picking at the skin around his nails. "Then I started drinking.. and I got addicted to the feeling of shutting my senses off. Even if it was just for a night, it was so overwhelmingly relieving that I couldn't get myself to quit. I lived with my grandparents during that time.."

His voice trails off, biting his lip before continuing, "My grandma tried to get me to speak countless times, trying to convince me that it wasn't a burden I should bear on my own. But at that time I was desperate for some sort of mental peace, and too stubborn to admit to myself that she was right. Then... she passed away before I could even apologize for the shit I put her through."

I feel my heart wrench in my chest in pain, tears blurring my vision which I didn't even bother to hold back.

"I had become my own nightmare. I felt so guilty that I couldn't bring myself to go to her funeral.. I couldn't even look my granddad in the eyes again knowing that I hurt them both so much. So I made a promise to myself to never drink again because it would only disappoint the ones I care about, and I moved back to dad even though I hated him. I knew deep down back then that he regret what happened and that I should've moved on like he did, but I wanted to blame him for my mistakes and my fucked up behaviour. No matter what I did, I couldn't let go."

I notice his jaw clenching, teeth sinking into his lower lip. "That year after moving in with my dad was the darkest period in my life. I was so tired of everything. I lost all hope in ever moving on. I forgot what it felt like to feel anything other than grief, regret and guilt. For a long time it didn't go by a day without me wanting to just end it all.. I didn't know for how long I could keep forcing myself to stay alive."

As if someone punched me, all air escapes my lungs. The tears finally run one after another, heart weighing so heavy in my chest that it's choking me. I move towards him in a heartbeat, enveloping his hand with mine. My mind is in shock, quickly filling with panic at the thought of him wanting to- No, he's here now. I can't even bring myself to imagine it.

Our eyes meet the moment I reached out to hold him, feeling his thumb slowly stroke my hand, the edge of his lips allowing him to smile. He used his free hand to gently wipe the tears from my cheeks, not bothering to dry his own.

"Then you came into my life. Little by little, you brought back the light inside me again I thought was dead. At first it was curiosity. Then jealousy. Then frustration. Then happiness. Then safety. Then love," he says, voice breathy as droplets of tears glide down the slopes of his cheeks. "I never thought I'd feel normal again, but thanks to you.. I felt so much more than that. I don't know why or how.. but you never gave up on me. You saw right through me and stayed even though I refused to open up to you when you asked me to. It was more than I deserved, and I'll never be able to thank you enough for changing my life. I'm so sorry for everything I put you through.."

We both sob heavily, catching our breaths becoming gradually more difficult as the tears keep choking us up.

"What I did that night was completely out of anger and disappointment in myself, and that's all on me. You've been nothing but supportive and understanding of me.. I knew better than to doubt you and I tried to fight the voices in my head but I lost control. I was so afraid of getting hurt and you leaving me, but in the end I was the one hurting you and I was the reason you left, not someone else. All this happened because I refused to accept that you couldn't magically make me forget the past just like that, and that I couldn't keep running away from it anymore. The past is my problem and mine to process, and what I went through doesn't justify the way I treated you. I'm not going to ask you to forgive me or forget that it ever happened because I wouldn't if I were you. But I just want you to know that I never intended to hurt you ever, it was the absolute last thing I wanted.."

My hold on his hand tightens as I sniffle, my heart only weighing heavier. I still couldn't get myself to speak. Listening to him finally confessing everything he hid, all his emotions and all the hurt he had to bear alone.. It was overwhelming. So much deeper and bigger than I could've ever imagined. I never knew how it would feel to hear him open up; I thought I'd understand better, but now I only pity him and hurt for him that he had to bear this guilt, hatred and agony on his own for so many years.

He now holds my hand between both his, eyes watching mine with so much emotion and relief.

"I'd probably never go through with all this if I never had you in my life. You gave me back everything I lost and I owe you for that, and I want to fix myself for you because I'm so tired of running and I'm tired of hiding. I'd be too selfish to ask for another chance, and the fact that you gave me one in the first place was more than I deserved. Truthfully, I always knew that you deserve someone better than me, but I was too selfish to let you be with someone else. I wanted to believe I could become someone worthy of being with you."

He lets his hand caress my cheek, slowly as if it's the last time he'll be able to be this close to me.

"I'm eternally grateful to you, Blue. Not only because you helped me out of the dark, but also for overlooking the obvious about me back then. Thank you for wanting to get to know me.. the real me. Who knows where I'd been if it weren't for you."

I couldn't help but chuckle at that as another tear slip out, surprising myself when I suddenly speak, "I was just stubborn."

He smiles widely, now cupping my cheeks with both his hands. I can't help but admire him at this delicate moment; the way his eyes are glossy, the wet streaks on his skin due to the tears, his slightly flushed cheeks, but most importantly the amount of emotions behind his shining irises. He isn't hiding anymore. This is him.

"I love you, Blue," he murmurs, the smile widening as the words leave his lips. "I'm so sorry that I never showed it as much as I wanted to, and I'm sorry that it took me this long to finally say it. I really wish there was a way to take back everything I did.. So that's why I've decided to leave town. I'll give you the space you need to heal, that's the least I can do for you. I don't want to cut you off my life but I totally understand if you don't want anything to do with me. I'd be happy to stay friends, if you feel ready some day. Just know that you'll always be the most important person in my life, and if anything happens to you, I'll be there if you need me."

My brain was already overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions and thoughts, but this just threw me way off to the edge of space, leaving my senses burnt out to a crisp. Was all this a goodbye? What does he mean with leaving town? Why is he saying goodbye?

My first instinct was to stop him, convince him not to go. But then... is this for the best? We're both hurt and vulnerable this moment, maybe time away from each other is what we need to realize what we want in the end. Friendship is perhaps the best for us? If he insists on staying just as friends then that's where we should stand at, even though me might've only said that in fear of hurting me again.

Is this the final sign? Is this the best way for us to end things?

What if I leave Korea and never get to see him again.. Could I accept that?

Let him go. It will hurt you and him less like this. You'll get over him faster without him here.

For once, I completely disagree with my brain. Why is my heart so quiet? What do I want? What do I say?

"Hey," his voice breaks me out of my thoughts. "I won't be far away. I'll be living with mom for a while. You know you're always welcomed to visit."

Don't leave.

Say something!

Just let him go, it'll be less painful.

What if he wants to leave? I shouldn't hold him back.

I need time.

His hands slip away from mine as he slowly gets up on his feet, watching me once more with a smile. It's not a happy smile, and despite wanting to reach out and make him stay, I didn't move a single muscle. My mind was in too much panic to allow me to say something.

He isn't going to wait for me to speak? Why is he already leaving?

"Thank you for listening, and thank you for everything you've done for me. I'll always love you, Blue. Goodbye," he says softly, though noticeable that he was trying not to choke up. My heart is beating hard as our eyes meet one last time, and when he turns around I could feel it crack in half.

Then he walks out of my room.

And out of my life.

I keep staring at the door, feeling my heart sink more and more. Is this my final decision? Is this really what I want?

The first one my heart finally let in and gave itself away to.

Will I ever be able to let him go?

Do I even want to let him go at all?

I know that I probably should; it's the logically right decision in terms of my feelings.

But is there any logic in love? What kind of logic is there if I clearly don't feel like this is how I wanted things to end?

My hands hug each other in attempt to calm my turmoiled nerves, feeling the anxiety crawl under every inch of my skin. Closing my eyes and forcing myself to breathe in a calming manner, I suddenly get thrown into memories that was me in my happiest state of mind.

Fireworks. Our first kiss. I'll never forget his smile, and I'll never forget the intense euphoria that immersed my entire body and soul just because that was the moment I realized that my feelings were reciprocated.

For some reason that made me think of that time we bumped into each other at the restaurant with Jimin, Namjoon and Hoseok. I find myself smiling at the memory of his blatant jealousy, oh how I didn't notice it then. But thanks to our argument, we met up a late evening and from there the spark between us grew into fire.

Then he got sick because he lent me his hoodie. Surprisingly, I owe to Mr. Vong that I went to check on him after worrying to death; if it weren't for him I perhaps never would've taken care of him and realized how protective I'd grown towards him.

We've been through so much. Now it all feels like we've thrown all that away, as if it never really mattered. But that's so far from the truth for me. Our time together has been more than precious to me. The person I am now is far different from who I was when I first got here -- and it's all thanks to him. He changed so much from that first time I saw him until everything went downhill. Even now, coming here and going full transparent with me, not even begging me for forgiveness, just shows how much he's matured and grown.

He's proven countless of times that he has a pure heart. He notice details one would easily miss. He knows exactly how and when to cheer me up even though I never express that I'm feeling down. He can be so romantic and loving that it he makes me question reality, in awe that someone like him exists.

The emotions surfacing at the memories of our journey melts away the cold bitterness that had tied itself to my nerves, slowly opening up for the warmth to envelop my wounded heart.

The truth is, I want him in my life. Beside me -- forever. Why? It doesn't matter. I just know it. He's a part of me now, and continuing my life without him in it would be like living without the ability to laugh, cry or feel; in other words, dull. Simply boring, pointless.