I'M FINALLY BACK! I'm sorry for the delay but I will explain why in the author's note at the end, so please read that (':

. So if reading things like that affects you, then please read when you're in a good state of mind. I haven't gone overboard with the descriptions so I hope it will be safe to read despite that.

♣ ♣ ♣

"Dad's late again."

Mom smiles sadly at me, gently brushing away the hair covering my forehead.

"They're going through a hard time at his work, honey. It takes time to get things back to normal again," she answers with a sigh. Always the same answer.

"It's been a year mom.. Why can't he just find a new job?"

"It's not that simple.. I wish he could too, but times are tough right now."

"But why does he have to drink? He scares me.."

Her eyebrows curl up in concern, a layer of gloss now coating her eyes.

"He's stressed and worried, too. Unfortunately, that's his way of dealing with all this."

"That doesn't make it okay for him to shout at you and hurt you.."

She pulls me in for a tight hug, instantly making all the tears I was trying to hold to slip out.

"As long as he doesn't hurt you, I can endure it."

I sniffle. "I wish I was older and bigger so I could protect you."

She chuckles. "It's okay, Taehyungie. You're my strength. We'll get through this together-"

The sound of the front door slamming shut echoes through the house, making her stop mid sentence along with my heart freezing in fear.

She looks straight into my eyes. "I love you, Tae. Don't come out of your room, okay?"

I try to say something but my tongue is tied, throat clenched in panic. She gets up and closes the door behind her.

"Please don't slam the door, Taehyung is sleeping," I faintly hear her voice speak. I sometimes wish the walls weren't so thin, then I wouldn't hear them fight. But I wish even more that dad goes back to how he used to be. I can't stand seeing mom being treated like this for one more day.

Please... Anyone... Please let my mom be safe...

"Last time I checked, I'm the owner of this house so I can do whatever I want!"

The loudness of his voice makes me flinch, heart beating even faster. It's going to be one of those nights again.

"Don't yell! Why did you go to the bar again? You said you'd stop."

"Why would I listen to you?! And I can talk as loud as I want!"

With shaky breaths and trembling body, I reach for the door and pull down the handle, only opening the door enough to hear them better.

"Why do you have to be like this? You're tearing our family apart!"

"I'm trying to provide for us! Why can't you be more understanding?!"

"Why can't understand that Taehyung needs his father back? need my husband back. Please don't-"

"You should be grateful that I haven't sent you to the hospital yet. Keep that smart mouth of yours shut or else I'll make it painful for you to even move a single muscle."

The dark and venomous tone in his voice makes my heart constrict in fear, but mostly in rage. I close my fists, feeling the adrenaline slowly work its way into my system as I contemplate running up to him and punch his face. However, my feet remain glued behind the threshold of my door as my hands keep trembling.

I can't believe how my dad managed to turn into this monster.

"Try it, and we'll see what'll happen to you."

"Are you threatening me?"

"So it's okay for you to want to beat up your own wife, but I can't defend myself? I don't even know who you are anymore."

A nauseous feeling then wraps tightly around my throat, making my breath hitch upon hearing a slap echo from where they're standing.

"I warned you. Don't act smart around me."

"So this is who you are now? You enjoy hurting me? Does it make you feel better?"

"You're the one that's making me do it! Just be an obedient wife and do as I say and I won't hurt you."

"Do you even hear yourself right now? I'd be very careful if I were you."

A loud yelp makes my muscles clench, then I hear a forceful bang on the wall followed by her screaming.

"I should be careful?" he seethes.

I flinch and keep my eyes shut, hoping that it was all a nightmare and that everything would be okay once I open them again.

But another scream kills my naive hopes.

"What would you do, huh?" he yells, causing my eyes to open and my feet to finally start moving. Though, I freeze just behind the corner to the livingroom, heart just about to rip through my ribcage.

There are small dark stains on the floor, dark red. The bile almost came up right then and there.

"STOP!" she screams again as I hear thuds and glass cracking.

"WHAT WOULD YOU DO?! Throw me out? Call the police? Then who'll pay the bills? Where will you live? You should be grateful of me!!"

My nails dig into the palm of my hands, every breath heavy and jaw shuddering with rage.

Do something. Help her. Get him off of her. You should be the one getting hurt, not her. Man up for once, you coward.

I barely manage to step forward when my promise to her slaps me in the face the last second.

"Don't come out of your room."

Is there even anything I can do? What if he hurts her even more because of me? I'm too weak to try threatening him. He'd kill me if he could.

Tears sting in my eyes at my own pathetic, weak self. Why am I so useless? I can't even protect the one that's given their everything to protect me.

"Grateful?" she breathes. "I don't need an abusive husband in my life. Taehyung will live with your parents, and you'll never get to touch him or me ever again. We'll both leave and never come back."

My entire body almost gave up on me, stomach turning itself inside out almost causing me to gag. I barely react when the piercing sound of glass shattering rings in my ears.

"MY COMPANY IS ON THE VERGE OF BANKRUPTCY AND YOU WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY FAMILY TOO?! YOU'RE THE ONE SPLITTING US, NOT ME!"

"THIS IS ALL ON YOU, WOOTAK! You brought this upon yourself! You should've been a father and a husband when you had the chance, and this was the last straw. I don't have to deal with this anymore. Taehyung will finally be in a safe place where he doesn't need to feel terrified in his own home."

My feet finally moves, not towards them, but back to my room. My vision is blurry, heart hurting and body slowly numbing in invisible pain. I can't even tell what's reality or not anymore, though before my ears completely shut out any form of sound around me, I hear my mom's oddly calm voice.

"Get yourself together. At least do it for yourself since you obviously couldn't do it for the sake of your own wife and children."

The last part blended in with the ringing in my ears, not allowing me to process what she actually said. I finally collapse against the wall in the very end of my room, knees propped against my chin and arms secured around my legs.

I feel my stomach quiver with each irregular breath. Hot tears race down my cheeks. The ringing in my ears keeping me safe from my dad. My body rocking against the wall soothing me.

I don't remember much up until my grandparents came to pick me up an hour later. I only know that I asked them where mom was. For weeks I asked them. Their reply was always the same.

"She's safe, don't worry about her."

I eventually gave up on asking. Someone heard my pleads. She was finally safe from my dad just like I had wanted, and the fact that she was safe was what kept me going through my days.

Little did I know that I'd never see her again.

I gasp for air once my eyes open again, confused and disoriented for a few seconds before I realize that I'm in my bed. My hands run over my damp face as I breathe out heavily.

That same dream haunting me twelve days in a row, now that's new. No matter how many years pass, I still remember every single detail of that night like it happened yesterday.

Every day, I wish I could forget it.

I turn around in bed, eyes droopy and mind even more exhausted than before I went to sleep, expecting to see her lying beside me to make the nightmares go away.

But when my hand reaches out, her body isn't there.

I clench my fist, reality crashing upon me way too heavily and suffocating me in the process.

All I see when I close my eyes is her; her teary eyes while saying that she loves me.

She loves me.

And I fucked everything up. The only hope I had in believing that I could feel normal for once.. thrown away. Why do I have to be like this? Why do I have to be like him?

I'm such a fucking idiot.

I'm nothing without her. I lost her before it sunk into my messed up head that she'd never let me down. Deep inside I knew it all along, but something still scared me that she'd be taken away from me. And in the end, the only one that caused her to leave was me, just because of my pathetic, fragile mentality.

I've never felt this empty in my life. It feels like a big part of me was ripped away, leaving a massive wound that will never heal. It feels like a big part of me died just like that, leaving me feeling barely alive.

Oh how I wish I wasn't.

I miss her so much that it hurts. I'd give everything to see her smile again -- smiling because of me. I'd give everything to go back to a month ago, feeling her body against mine between my arms, the scent of her hair tickling my nose, just listening to her talk until we both fall asleep..

My lips suddenly starts to quiver, then warm tears glide down my cheeks before soaking into the pillow.

She deserves so much better.. She always did, but I was too selfish to let her go.

Something light suddenly touches my cheek, the touch igniting the firework-like sparks that I knew all too well. I open my eyes, seeing Blue sitting on the bed right beside me.

My heart somersaults so intensely that it left a physical pain. I'm gasping for air but I'm still choking, trying to move but my body remains rigid.

"Look at you.. It's almost painful to see you like this." Her voice sounds so angelic, making me lose the little breath I had left.

Where did she come from? How did she get in? What is she doing here? All these questions but I can't get myself to speak a single word.

"Hm? Why are you acting so regretful?"

I somehow manage to move my hand, making it cup hers and hold it tightly. I never thought I'd be able to hold her like this again. If this is the last and only time she'll allow me to be this close to her, I'm going to treasure every second of it.

"I regret everything.. I fucked up so badly and I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. If I could go back I'd listen to you-"

"But you sure thought it was fair to hurt me because of your insecurities instead of admitting them."

I desperately try to sit up, too see her better but my muscles are paralyzed. "I know but-"

"You're right, by the way."

"About what?"

"About not deserving me. You're right. You never deserved me. And I'm never going to forgive you."

Even though I knew it, it hurt more than I imagined to hear her confirm it. I've never felt this much regret in my life. The most frustrating part is that I didn't want to do it, I never intended to do it. But in that moment I gave in to the devilish voices, and lost everything.

There's no way I can redeem myself. I wish there was a way, but I dug my own grave too deeply with no return.

"I should've just sticked to hating you like I used to."

I press my palms against my temples and scrunch my eyes tightly when everything around me starts to spin, her voice echoing in my head.

"I can't believe I wasted my time on you."

"You're never going to change. You're so weak that it's laughable."

"I know I never deserved you.." I whimper weakly.

"And you never will. But I still gave you a chance. That's the only regret I have."

My heart is on the verge of ripping through my chest. Head keeps throbbing, her words ringing in my ears and I feel like I can't breathe.

Make it stop.. Please..

With a heavy inhale, my body launches forward and bringing me to a sitting position. Breathing heavily, I look around my room in confusion before my gaze stops on my trembling hands.

Oh fuck you brain. Way to push where it hurts me the most.

I drag my hands down my burning hot face, drying my eyes that were surrounded by tears before letting my back crash against the mattress again. Pushing back the hair that stuck onto my forehead, I draw another heavy breath and close my eyes tightly.

So it was all a dream? I should've known. On one hand I'm extremely relieved, but "her" words left even more scars inside me. Why did it have to feel so real?

I bite my lip imagining her hand in mine again. Even though it was just my brain playing tricks with me, the feeling was just as soothing and genuine.

A chuckle escapes my lips, covering my eyes with my arm as I feel the tears running down the sides of my face.

I wish I could tell her how sorry I am, but words aren't even enough for that. No words could ever be enough to take back what I did to her. No words can make things right again.

I hate myself so much for hurting her. I knew better than to doubt her, so why the hell did I go off on her like that? She even ended up apologizing to me even though she did nothing wrong.

She slipped through my hands just like that, only because I was so afraid that she'd leave me. How ironic.

I should've known that I'd do something like this, but I wanted to believe that I was better than that. She made me believe that I could change, and I desperately wanted to trust her on that. But I was an idiot for thinking I deserved her love. If I couldn't do it for her, then there was no hope for me to begin with. I'm simply too damaged.

Despite my whirling thoughts, my hand reaches for my phone and unlocking it, staring at her contact for several minutes.

Would she pick up if I called her? Does she hate me? Did she block my number? Should I text her and apologize? Should I buy her flowers and attach an apology to them?

I eventually sigh loudly and slide my phone underneath my pillow, plopping my face down on it and whine in frustration.

She's much happier without me in her life. Even though I desperately want to hear her voice, even just once, it's better that I just leave her alone. I've caused her enough damage; damage she never deserved.

Failing to fall back asleep, even though I'd rather avoid dreaming again, I decide to get up and get some breakfast for the first time in two weeks.

I did not expect to see dad sitting in the livingroom watching tv, and by the looks of his reaction when I pass through to the kitchen, he didn't expect me to be awake at this hour either.

"Goodmorning son. Had a rough night?"

"How could you tell?" I mutter in reply.

"I heard you."

Oh, great..

"And?" I ask, waiting for the water to boil.

"Did something happen between you and Blue?"

"It's none of your business."

He sighs and turns the tv off, walking over to the kitchen.

"It's been going on for a while now. Your mother is worried about you. And so am I. You know you can talk to us if there's any problem, we'll help you with it."

My eye twitches in rage. "But you never thought there was a good time to tell me that you two have been keeping contact since a year back? I'm not obliged to tell you anything, not even to mom."

"We've talked about this, and you know that we didn't know how to tell you. It wasn't to hurt you-"

"How come you decide to care about me now?"

"You never let me before."

"I was alone for five years. None of you cared enough to visit me once back then, even less ask me how I was doing. You had plenty of time to show me that you cared. I don't need anything from you."

"Taehyung, I'm not asking you for forgiveness. I only ask you to listen to me this once. Just this once, overlook what happened in the past and listen to me.."

After pouring the hot water into the cup of instant ramen, I slam the pot on the counter and fixate a sharp gaze on him. "Overlook it? Did you seriously just ask me to overlook the fact that you I saw you beat up my mother?"

"You don't think that night haunts me every single day?" he raises his voice slightly, not enough to catch me off guard, though. I hate that he genuinely looks regretful, but more so the fact that there's something keeping me from walking away from this conversion at this point. "You don't think I regret it? Taehyung, I hate myself for what I did. I lost my everything that night, and I thought it was a miracle that you even wanted to come back to me."

"I didn't have anywhere else to go," I reply dryly.

"But I'm still thankful you came back into my life. Look, I wouldn't be on my side either but at least try to listen when I say that you should learn from my mistakes."

"I'm sorry to break it to you but it's too late for that. I've made up my mind to stay away from her. There's nothing you can tell me that I don't already know. I don't deserve her anymore."

"Maybe you don't, but you still have time to make things right. Your mom and I decided that it's best that you see a therapist because of what I did to our family. It has caused you stress and it's obviously still affecting you."

"Why does everyone think that I'm fucking crazy?! I don't need a therapist. Like they would ever understand what I've been going through."

As if therapy could be any help to someone like me. The only thing that kept me together was her.

"Son, I used to think like that too until I was at the lowest point in my life after doing horrible things I never thought I'd do. It's all my fault, and it wasn't anything I could've get through on my own without therapy. Getting help doesn't mean that you're crazy, but you'll definitely become crazy if you keep bottling up your trauma."

"And whose fault is that?! Why couldn't you just give me a normal childhood like everyone else?! I'm a fucking mess because of you!!"

My breathing is heavy as I feel the anger and frustration resurface, leaving my fingers twitching and hands shaking.