♣ ♣ ♣

The winter break had been very much needed and anticipated, but sadly not for the reason I had first looked forward to it. Taehyung and I had planned this break for weeks; everything from the movies we would watch, to the small road trips outside town and cafés we would visit. Though, it all turned out to be the complete opposite of that. Instead we were forced to accept that we weren't together anymore; and not-so simply forget about us and what we had.

It sucks so much more than I could have ever imagined. It's literally the closest feeling to death that isn't death.

I've had no energy, nor the will for that matter, to leave my bed. Not only because I was downright devastated and depressed, but also because I caught the worst fever I've ever had, so I don't overreact when I say that this has been the worst week and a half in my entire life.

Sleeping was all I did for the first few days, but even that was difficult because I had the most horrible fever-dreams that left me more exhausted than before I even went to sleep. I kept getting horribly vivid flashbacks of everything that happened that night, but my brain twisting the scenes to new traumatizing heights so I often woke up in panic, out of breath and in tears.

Feeling like utter shit basically describes me right now. Thankfully, my fever went down significantly after Christmas which made Areum, Jimin and Minhyuk elated that I finally resurrected from the dead -- only physically, that is. Though, I feel anything but alive.

The sleepless nights progressively got better as the days went, but now when I'm not too exhausted to think back on everything that's happened, my days turned into neverending crying sessions.

I always thought post-breakup scenes from movies where the female protagonist is curled up in a fetus position, surrounded by tissues and empty pints of ice-cream were stupid, overdramatic and unrealistic. But here I am, doing exactly that -- minus the ice-cream. I've lost count for how many days I've listened to Seventeen's Habit on repeat, knowing that I will never be able to listen to it again when I move on.

If I ever move on.

How is one supposed to move on from what we had? From everything we went through to finally accept our love for each other? Only for it to end too soon..

Why did he have to do it? Why couldn't he just trust me? Why does he make it so painful for me to love him?

Why did I have to go off on him when I knew that it would only lead to me breaking up.. Why didn't I just walk away?

I regret it so much, but what I hate more is that I know this was the only choice I had at this point. This, if anything, has to be the final push for him to finally face himself.

But what if I made it worse?

I just wish I knew if he's realized that it's okay for him to get help..

My phone vibrates shortly, hating myself for wishing that second that it's Taehyung when I know that it's probably just Areum checking on me for the fifth time this day.

I can't lie to myself and pretend that I wasn't disappointed that he hasn't texted me a single time after we broke up, but I know it's for the best.

I sigh heavily as I dry a few tears, sobbing slightly as I unlock my phone to answer her.

My stomach churns in disappointment. I don't know what I expected, but I hoped he'd at least talk to the guys.

I put my phone on silence, needing time to process.

Why are you so goddamn stubborn, Taehyung?

Fuck, it hurts to even say his name in my head. I reach for a clean tissue as I sob heavily. Just when I think I'm out of tears, another wave of them comes as if summoned by some genie in a goddamn lamp -- and all it takes is just a split thought of him.

I've never felt this pathetic and helpless in my life.

While drowning in the very depth of my misery, I begin to think back on the beginning, to the very first day I saw him. I never would've guessed I'd fall in love with him, and at that time I never thought it was possible for me to become this painfully heartbroken.

A part of me, a very small one that is, regrets all this; regrets trying so hard to get through to him and unravel his secrets. If I only knew what mess I actually got myself into.. it wasn't as straightforward as I thought. It was so much worse and deeper than anything I could've ever expected or imagine.

If I only had known.. maybe I would've stayed away and spare myself all this agony.

What if this isn't something he can fix? Why did I believe it was obvious that he could let his past go? What if it's a part of who he is now? Did I do all this for nothing?

Why did it have to be him? Why of all people did my heart choose him? Why did he have to be the one making me feel that there's no one else in the world but him?

I can't even picture his face anymore without seeing the image of him staring at me before kissing her. I hate that he had to look at me more than the fact that he kissed another girl. If I were given the choice to forget anything in my life, it would be that moment. It feels like I will never ever be able to look at him again without that image haunting me.

It made me realize, what if he one day actually lets go of his past.. Would I be able to go back to where we were? Would I trust him again? Would I be able to see him without reminisce all this?

I don't know.

My head hurts from pondering over all this. I reach for a new tissue and blow my nose loudly, wishing I could stop crying for at least ten minutes because of the way my eyes hurt.

A knock on my door is heard. I tiredly pull the cover up to my chin and sigh.

"Mmhmm," I mutter. In steps my mother with a bowl, steam escaping from its edge.

"Hi my little flower, I brought you some soup," she says softly, setting the bowl down onto the bedside table before taking a seat on the bed. Her fingers gently touch the side of my face in a soothing manner, luring more tears to form.

"Thanks," I sob, padding my eyes dry with the edge of my duvet.

"You haven't left your room in almost two weeks.. Wouldn't some fresh air be nice?"

"I'm too sad to go outside," I mumble pathetically. "Mom, why am I so weak?"

"Hey, don't say that. You're not weak. I know he was special to you, it's not strange of you to react this way. Just let it out."

"But I don't want to feel like this.."

"Then why don't you talk things out? I'm sure he regrets what he did."

I sigh. "It isn't that simple.."

She's quiet for a moment, looking like she's considering something. "Did I ever tell you about how your dad and I met?"

I nod. "You met in London. Business trip."

"You think it was a love at first sight, super romantic trip and he followed me back to Sweden, living happily ever after?"

I squint my eyes. "It didn't go like that?"

"Honey, I wish," she says, rolling her eyes. "It all started at that meeting. Your dad was dressed up in this really nice suit that made his ass pop like holy-"

"MOM!" I shriek.

"Oh please as if you didn't think Taehyung had a good behind," she grumbles.

Flashback to the time he made me massage his butt, and all the other times I've slapped it.

"They're unexpectedly jiggly, aren't they?" she questions after I've thought about her obnoxious comment for a while.

"Right? -wait, ugh just continue the story. Please no intimate details, spare my cringe meter."

"You're no fun. Oh well, where was I? So he had this suit, holding his presentation but I couldn't remember a single word he said because all I could focus on was his deep voice. His striking brown eyes only made things worse for that matter. But his smile.. Damn. He was extremely attractive, like that kind of attractiveness you only see in movies. But one particular thing about him was that when I looked into his eyes.. I felt something. I don't know what it was, but I was interested in finding out why they looked at me like that."

That.. kind of hits home. I'm very intrigued by this story, wondering why she never told me it before.

"Then the complicated part came. All the damn women flirting shamelessly with him. And he loved it."

I can relate.

"I'm more sophisticated than them, obviously. So when our paths crossed on our way out, we had this moment where we looked at each other for a few seconds. But I turned my gaze and kept going. He later told me that this made him interested in me, so whatever you do, never appear desperate in front of a man. They'll take advantage of you in a heartbeat."

My first lunch in school. I walked out of the cafeteria and made eye-contact with Taehyung, but I looked away first. The second time my heart fluttered because of him.

"The same night there was a party hosted by my company, and of course he was there. By the looks of how women were throwing themselves at him, I decided my time would be wasted in trying to talk to him. So I spent time with my male colleague, who was engaged, but we were good friends and thought the party sucked anyway. However, when I went outside to the balcony to get some fresh air, your dad suddenly appeared beside me, telling me how he admired the view."

Jimin at Baekhyun's party, the first time. What sorcery is this-

"So we started talking, and it didn't take long for him to ask who my colleague was, seeming suspiciously interested in knowing if we were dating or something. Which I find equally hilarious then as I do now. We really clicked that night. I found out he lives in Italy, loves to cook, speaks seven different languages, travelled his whole life and lived all around the world. He had so many stories to tell, and I was falling way too quickly for my liking."

Meanwhile Taehyung and I bonded over anime. It's obvious who the intellectuals are here.

"But it was the first time a man ever made me captivated like that, and that's why I chose to follow my heart's desires. Since you wanted me to spare the details, it turned into a long and unforgettable night."

Ew. Good for them but.. ew.

"So he returned to Italy and I to Sweden, but not without exchanging phone numbers and emails. We talked constantly for weeks. We both agreed to meet as soon as work allowed us to. One day I got off work early and decided to call him. We always had to talk during a specific time during the day, which I didn't think was suspicious until one day my gut told me to surprise him. The Universe cracked the last laugh when a woman answered, claiming that she's his fiancée."

"Bruh."

"Yeah, bruh indeed. I said I called the wrong number and hung up. I felt so bad for the woman at the time, but when I found out that her family forced him to marry her only because he had money, she kind of deserved it. But I was disgusted at the time, cutting him off from my life. He tried calling, texting, emailing and he even sent a fax to my office. Now that's dedication right there. Your generation probably don't even know what that is."

Not a clue.

"I lived by the rule 'once a cheater, always a cheater' when I was young. I had a long-term boyfriend in high school that cheated on me twice, and after that I became emotionally cold. And then your father came along and woke up that fire in me again for the first time in years. But after that humiliating call, I thought that if he cheated on her, he would cheat on me too in a heartbeat. So I told him to let me go because I'd never be able to trust him, and I continued to ignore his pleads and held onto my pride. I was heartbroken for a month. For the first time, I didn't curse the distance between us since it made it easier to move on."

Poor mom.. But damn my parents were really wildin back in the days.

"One month after, I received a big bouquet of flowers on my office desk with a note attached to it. There was a name of a restaurant and a time. My coworkers were convinced that it was someone in our company taking me out on a date. I only went to shut my friends up and tell the guy waiting for me that I wasn't interested."

Damn, savage mom.

"Turns out, it was your dad that sent those flowers. I should've known because he was the only one I told that I love peonies."

Holy crap, my dad was frickin' smooth what the heck.

"He came to beg for another chance. He explained that he only agreed to marry her because he didn't believe in true love since he grew up in a strict family that only cared for status. His parents never once said they loved him. But once he saw me, his gut told him that I was the one. He began planning how to break off his engagement as soon as he returned to Italy, and me calling him that day only sped up that progress. He broke off their engagement, then he cut off his family from of his life when he got permission to move to Sweden."

"Holy shit," I murmur. "That's crazy."

"He was so sure that I was the one that he moved to Sweden without my knowledge. I was so shocked. But instead of getting swooned by his determination, I scolded him for pressuring me into believing that he was the only one for me. I left the restaurant and felt guilty as soon as I got home, but he didn't let me process anything and he didn't even ask me if I wanted this."

Oof, that would definitely put pressure onto someone.

"A few weeks pass and there was another company party, this time in Stockholm. Little did I know that we would bump into each other on a balcony again, just like everything first started. By that time I was tired of running. I listened to my heart, and my heart wanted him. And here we are today."

Her last couple of sentences makes my eyes fill up with tears.

"That's so beautiful," I merely whisper, crying once again. "Why didn't you tell me?"

She smiles warmly and shrugs. "I don't know. I guess the timing was now."

"So you weren't afraid that he'd be a cold husband because of his childhood?" I ask, starting to link their story with what I'm going through.

"The thought crossed my mind, but he became a perfect husband and father. My parents welcomed him with so much love that he wanted to be just as loving as them. Someone's past doesn't define what they'll make out of their future, you know. It's what shapes them along the way through the people they surround themselves with."

I nod slowly. The thought dawning upon me that Taehyung had the same possibility.

"But weren't you afraid of getting hurt? And what if it didn't work out?"

"When it comes to love, there's an equal chance in getting hurt as there is becoming the happiest person in the whole world. And if it doesn't work out.. life moves on. That's why we take that chance. People come and go, but the one that makes your heart flutter just a little more is someone worth taking a chance for."

But I hate being hurt.. I hate not being able to control the outcome if I was unsure from the beginning. I already took that chance with Taehyung and this whole mess happened.

"Taehyung messed up badly, I know, and I'm actually proud that you handled it this way because it must've been so hard for you to do. I know you two love each other very much and I'm sure he genuinely regrets what he did, so this is the time to reflect and learn. You're both still so young. Who knows what will happen when school ends, maybe we'll move back to Sweden?"

My heart sinks in my chest.

I never thought about that.

"The first heartbreak hurts the most. Whatever happens, your family is here for you and we love you more than anything else in this world," she says softly, caressing the side of my face.

I smile at her words, appreciating how she managed to say just the right things without me asking for it. I pull myself up to a sitting position and wrap my arms around her tightly, letting out a few more tears.

"Thanks mom," I murmur. "I love you so much.."

"I love you too. Now eat your soup before it gets cold," she says, patting my head before getting up.

So while slowly slurping on my soup, I try to cope with the new storm of emotions and questions swirling violently in my head.

Could I really compare my parents to me and Taehyung? Am I being too defensive towards myself? Am I overreacting this whole situation?

I'm not sure of anything anymore. If things go wrong when I trust my heart, and listening to my brain doesn't make things better.. then what the hell am I supposed to do? I can't trust my own judgement when I don't even know what's right or wrong. And what if I decided to give him another chance, for how long would it last? What if I don't want to stay in Korea and he doesn't want to leave? Would leaving each other again be worth the pain in the end?

It all comes down to the chance I'm willing to take..

Either I take the chance in forgiving him, starting over and maybe things go right this time.

Or.. I take the chance that we'll eventually go our separate ways no matter what, and this was the sign that we weren't meant to stay together after all.

♣ ♣ ♣

I'm so sorry for the boring chapter T-T I hope it wasn't too slow too read or anything, but I really wanted to show what's on her mind & how she's reflecting over the whole situation. It was fun to write about her parent's history, but it plays a role in how she's viewing Taehyung's past & makes her rethink certain things.