♣ ♣ ♣

For the couple of seconds their contact lasted, my body suddenly felt foreign, numbed to the core. My sense of awareness in this room, in my own body, my surroundings.. disappeared. I felt like nothing. Complete emptiness.

I couldn't even hear my own thoughts. I just stood there frozen, feeling like those mere seconds lasted for an eternity. And that eternity was pure hell.

When my feet finally moved, I wasn't even aware of what I was doing. It was my deepest consciousness that acted for me. I couldn't even feel the ground underneath the soles of my shoes. The only way I knew that I left him there, was the fact that he wasn't in front of me anymore.

It's a strange sensation, kind of reminding me of that time I thought I heard him and Yuna in the bedroom. But this time, it feels like I'm not.. present. There's this veil around me, almost like a wall, masking me from my surroundings. I can't feel anything. I watch as my feet are moving across a white, neverending surface, but I can't physically feel that I'm walking.

Just like that, I'm isolated with only my mind. The shock was so deep at first that I was unable to react. For the longest time, my feet was the only thing I could focus on. Watching them go back and forth, looking like I was walking for hours without actually going anywhere, was soothing, almost hypnotizing me in a strange way; a calm way.

Without me noticing, I suddenly become aware of that I can hear myself breathing -- the thought that I didn't hear it before never struck me at all. What confuses me then, is that puffs of white clouds comes out with each breath I take.

Then I feel the cold.

As if ice-packs are glued onto my face, my cheeks are completely numbed with cold. I look down on my hands, confused over how pale blue they are. And watching them shaking makes me realize that my chest is also vibrating, as well as my legs and shoulders.

That's when I finally take in my surroundings, realizing that the white ground was snow all along -- I've been outside this entire time. And I have no idea where I am. I'm lost and all alone.

For a second I forgot how I got here, but as soon as I questioned that, the answer in the form of a memory flashes right before my eyes, throwing me back to Taehyung kissing that girl I didn't even bother to look at.

I feel straight up disgusted. Sick.

Where the fuck do we go from here? What the hell am I supposed to do?

Why am I not crying? Why is there a tiny little part deep inside that is not shocked that he did this?

Did I expect him to ever do this to me?

No, but in some way yes. Fuck, I really did see this coming, didn't I? I just always hoped I'd be wrong.

Why the hell am I calm? Why am I not angry? Why am I not feeling like punching something? Why don't I hate him?

It feels like it never even happened.

Have I been sleepwalking? Has everything been just a horrible nightmare?

I breathe out heavily. I know what I saw. I'm seriously going crazy, aren't I? I just really really really wished it wasn't real..

With my hands stiff as frozen sticks, I tuck them into the pockets of my jacket to take up my phone but only to have my stomach sink in fear.

I fucking left it in the hotel room. Terrific. Just what I needed.

A small glint of hope ignites inside me when I turn around to see that my footprints are prominent in the snow. If I just follow them, I should get back to the hotel; hallelujah.

And so I commence my journey back in the dark and extreme cold, all my limbs still trembling like an earthquake. My knees even begins to hurt after a while, but the thought of getting into a hot shower when I get back is what fuels my motivation to keep going.

Meanwhile, I take this moment to think about Taehyung even though it's the last thing I wanted to do. He was drunk. It was so obvious that he hesitated to kiss her but did it anyway. Why? Probably just to get revenge, like the jealous, immature dumbass that he is. And who the hell knows if this is the first and last time it happens? What the hell did he even expect I'd react? That I'd cry and promise him that I'd never talk to Minhyuk again if he never do that again?

Fuck no.

I clench my jaw tight, a fire igniting inside me that fuels on the thought of Taehyung. I'm getting angry. Really really angry.

He thinks he's going to get away with this. I told him he needs therapy or someone to help with his goddamn problems because it would lead to this exact situation, if not worse. I can't forgive this easily. Will I ever forgive him? Do I even want to forgive him?

As for now at this moment, no. I'm not going to let this slide. Fuck him, seriously. I'm literally walking outside in the middle of nowhere in I don't even know how many negative degrees but it's cold enough to leave frostbites on my frickin' hands and cheeks; all this shit because of him.

At this point, I don't even want to see him. I'm seriously going to need time to myself to figure out what I'm going to do about this. Because right now, I'm not stable enough to talk to him, even less face him.

In contrast to the rest of my body, something warm builds up in my eyes. My lower lip quivers, vision blurs in front of me before I feel a few hot tears running down my frigid cheeks.

Did I really deserve this? He had the will to hurt me like this?

I sniffle as the tears keep building up and falling. I just want to go home..

After walking and crying for what feels like hours, I begin to feel extremely exhausted. My eyelids are heavy and hurting, I barely feel my legs and my muscles are sore from shaking this long.

I almost lost all hope that I would ever get back until I heard a very faint echo from a distance. I halted my motions in that moment, sniffling hard as I can feel myself starting to sob loudly.

"Areum!!" I shout to the echo, not sure if I actually heard her calling my name but I don't have anything to lose at this point.

"BLUE!!!" I hear her scream back, much louder this time. I sob again out of the biggest relief I've ever felt in my life. "WHERE ARE YOU?!"

"Over here!" I shout back, but my voice didn't come out as strong as I wanted. I keep following the direction from where I heard her voice, eventually catching the sight of a moving light some distance away.

"Blue?!" she calls out again, and that's when I could confirm that she was the one holding the light. Not having the strength to shout again, I just start flailing my arm in hopes that she notices me; and she does. "BLUE!"

A breath of relief leaves my lips, I even manage to smile despite the tears flowing uncontrollably at this point. It takes her not more than four seconds to run up to me and throw her arms around me. My whole body relaxes upon feeling her touch, making it even harder for me to hold back my tears. But I have no energy left for that anyway, so I only clutch onto her as I continue to sob.

"Where have you been?! Do you have any idea of how worried I was? How could you just disappear on us like that?"

I sniffle loudly, drawing a shaky breath in hopes to find my voice. "I'm sorry," I manage to breathe out. She retrieves her body from mine only slightly, her teary eyes watching me with the most pitiful gaze. With tears streaming down our cheeks, her hands search for mine and she gasps once she feels them.

"Have you been outside this whole time?" she asks in shock. I only nod in reply. "We've been looking for you for three hours. I was so scared. Thank god you're okay." With that she hugs me again, meanwhile I almost couldn't comprehend what she said.

I was gone for three hours? I never would've guessed.

"Let's get back to our room, you're freezing cold," she then says, tugging me with her towards the hotel, but this time my body isn't willing to cooperate any longer. The strength in my legs vanishes completely, causing my knees to bend and body almost collapsing onto the snow. "Minhyuk!! Jimin!!" Areum calls out, trying to hold a steady grip around my waist to keep me up, but only barely.

"Did you find her?!"

"She's alright but we need help!"

"I'm sorry," I mumble, fatigue paralyzing me out of nowhere. "I'm trying to stand I really am but I-"

"Blue, it's okay. We're close to the hotel anyway. Just hang in there," she says calmly.

It doesn't take long until we hear footsteps creaking in the snow, approaching quickly towards us. By the time they finally reach us, my eyes are half closed, despite me fighting to keep them open with the little strength I have left.

Warm hands cup my cheeks, tilting my head upwards. I try to squint, but fail to even do such simple task.

"Why is she so cold?" I hear Jimin's voice speak. "Don't tell me she's been outside this whole time?"

"She has. We need to get her inside quickly before she gets really sick," I hear Areum reply.

Jimin's warm hands retreat from my face, but quickly after I feel arms snake behind my thighs and around my back. My body then lifts from the ground, feet dangling and head resting against something soft. I draw the conclusion that Jimin is carrying me since I can hear feet shuffling in the snow and my body swaying gently with every step.

"I regret I didn't strangle him when I had the chance," Areum mutters with disgust and anger in her voice. "I hate myself for making her come to the party. I thought he'd at least agree to come with her, but what the actual fuck made him do that? And right in front of her face?"

My heart twists in my chest making me want to burst out in tears again but I was too exhausted to even to that.

"Areum, it's not your fault," Minhyuk says, voice soft as ever. "It's all on him and there's no one you should blame but him."

"He's right," I say, voice barely audible. "Not your fault.."

"Blue, just know that it's not your loss. You didn't deserve it," Minhyuk says.

Now that's when the tears started building up for real. I recall that time we sat in the car, he told me that he saw the guy he liked make out with someone else. His words hit me because he's been through exactly this. It pains me to imagine an angel like Minhyuk feeling like I do.

Worthless. Pathetic.

"Neither did you," I mumble, voice filled with sadness.

The cold winds suddenly ceases, instead being replaced with warmth.

"We're back at the hotel now," Areum tells me. All my cells roar with joy, a wave of gratitude flooding over me at the thought of burying myself in the warmth of five duvets and blankets. Jimin keeps carrying me up the stairs and into our room, carefully lowering me down onto the bed. Minhyuk had run to the coffee machine in the lobby to get me a cup of hot chocolate, while Areum and Jimin made me sit up to slip the jacket off of me.

They cover my body with both mine and Areum's duvet, but my body kept shaking badly so Jimin ran to his room to grab his plus an extra blanket. Areum slipped under the covers with me, keeping her arms around me to both soothe me and help me warm up faster.

When Minhyuk eventually comes back he's met with the view of an actual human sandwich, which is me being squished between Jimin and Areum.

"You guys look really frickin' cozy," he says with a smile once he steps into the room with the steaming cup in hand.

"Wanna join?" Jimin asks with a chuckle, and then we scoot further into the bed to make sitting room for Minhyuk. I wrap my hands around the warm cup, still trembling but not as severe as before, and take small sips of the heavenly chocolate.

"How are you feeling?"

"Jimin, that's the dumbest question you could've asked! Now is not the time to talk about-"

"No, it's okay," I interrupt Areum's scolding, sighing before continuing. "I honestly don't know. I'm disappointed."

"And rightfully so," Areum says. "I'd cut Hoseok's balls off if I-"

"Areum," Jimin warns.

"What? Am I the only sane person here being pissed off right now?!"

"Why did you just go out like that? It's not safe wandering about by yourself in this cold. Plus it's dark, what if you couldn't find your way back?" Minhyuk changes the subject, looking at me with sad eyes.

"To be honest, I don't even remember when I left. And I still can't believe I was out for three hours, it felt like fifteen minutes," I tell them truthfully. "My head was just... blank. It was creepy. I really am sorry for making you worry, I seriously had no control over myself."

Areum pouts and lean her head against mine, hugging me tightly. "It was the biggest relief ever when I found you. I'm so happy you came back in one piece."

"I did a lot of thinking when I went back," I say carefully. "And I realized that I had a feeling that this was going to happen sooner or later."

None of them say a word, probably waiting for me to explain why or how.

But I don't have a reason, the feeling was just.. there.

"But now I don't know what to do," I finish, voice transitioning into a whisper.

"It's okay," Areum murmurs gently. "Give yourself time to think about what you want."

I sigh. "Knowing him, he won't let me think. Because if I talk to him now... I won't control what I say."

"So you don't want to break up with him?" Minhyuk concludes.

"The thing is.. I don't want to, but I think I have to."

♣

None of us got much sleep last night, but I felt safe and warm being surrounded by all three of them in a bed not made for more than two people. We weren't really cheering when we eventually had to get up to clean and pack, but thinking of how badly I missed home gave me strength to get up and get the chores over with.

Areum, Jimin and Minhyuk left for breakfast while I packed both mine and Areum's stuff. When she eventually came back, she smuggled some breakfast for me too since I refused to go down there and risk bumping into Taehyung. And another proof that I really do have the actual bestest friends in the world, is the fact that Jimin made up a plan with Jin and the others that they'll get into the very front of the line to enter the first bus, and we'll stand in the very end to board the second bus.

I haven't asked them about how he's doing, but I feel like it's better that I don't know.

Plan miraculously went smoothie smooth. We bid a sad farewell to Minhyuk, but promised that we'd keep in touch once we're back in town. Areum, Jimin and I collapse onto the seats the minute we get inside the bus, and it doesn't take long before we all doze off peacefully.

To my surprise, none of us woke up a single time during the trip back. The moment we finally open our eyes is when one of the teachers came to wake us up after all students had left the bus except us. We eventually climb out as well, partly embarrassed, and groan tiredly as we stretch our sore and stiff limbs.

"I can't wait to get home. My head feels like it's going to explode," I sigh, throwing my bag over my shoulder.

"I have my car parked at school, do you want me to drive you home?" Jimin asks as we slowly start walking.

I shrug. "I don't know, I don't mind walking."

"Aw come on, it's better that Jimin makes sure you get home safely," Areum says, giving me a reassuring smile.

"I guess-"

My words trail off suddenly, heart dropping upon hearing voices coming from behind us.

"Taehyung don't-"

"I have to talk to her!"

All three of us freeze in our motions, turning around only to witness Taehyung approaching us with Jin and Namjoon right behind his heels. Jimin moves to stand in front of me, shielding me from him.

"Taehyung I'm serious, she can't talk to you right now. Don't make things worse," Jimin warns him. I feel my hands starting to shake, panic emerging in my head at the thought of facing him in this circumstance.

"I fucking can't! I've been going insane I have to explain-"

"Give her time! Do you ever consider anyone's feelings?"

Completely ignoring Jimin's warnings, he tries stepping to the side to catch a glimpse of me. "Blue, please just listen to me! I didn't know-, I didn't think straight.. I would never-"

That's where I lost it. I really tried my hardest to hold back and ignore him because I was in no state to have a proper conversation about this, but that 'I would never' of his made me push through Jimin and Areum in that instant, anger raging in every inch of my body.

Our eyes meet. My heart feels like it's burning; everything inside me hurts so much more now that we're facing each other. And this was the moment I lost control over my composure.

"But you did, and I don't give a shit if you didn't know about Minhyuk because it shouldn't matter. You didn't trust me and you even refused to listen to me when I tried to talk to you. I don't need your explanation, what you did explained enough-"

"That kiss didn't mean anything! Please just-" he interrupts me, but that only fueled my anger to the point of no return.

"I know it didn't mean anything! Taehyung I know you, but that doesn't take back that you did it and it doesn't erase the fact that I'm fucking broken," my voice breaks towards the end because of the tears filling my eyes. "It hurts so bad but what hurt me the most was that after everything I've done for you, you still didn't trust me. I know you did it because it was your fucked up way of dealing with the thought of losing me. But I'm not your mother! Her leaving wasn't your fault, but you lost me and that's all on you, Taehyung."

His eyes are teary at this point, looking more devastated than I've ever seen him.

"If you even have a heart at all, the best you can do for me right now is to let me go," I continue, wiping away a few tears that ran down my cheek.

His voice is shaky when he says, "I can't let you go! Not like this.. Please Blue I'd do anything-"

"There's nothing you can do," I whimper weakly. "I did everything I could to help you get over your past.. I'm sorry my everything wasn't enough. I'm sorry that I never showed how much I loved you. And I never thought that this was the way I'd say this but... I love you Taehyung. I love you so much but right now I'm so fucking done with you."

My breathing is shaky and shallow at this point, cheeks damp with tears and my heart feels like it's shattered into thousands of pieces. Despite my words, this isn't what I wanted but I couldn't stop myself. We need space from each other to figure ourselves out, especially him. I just hope he'll be able to do that alone from now on.

I'm surprised but thankful that he isn't saying anything, though his eyes scream that he's in pain.

I gather one last breath. "We're done," I say, voice weak. "Goodbye, Taehyung."