How am I supposed to wing it?

I can't tell her that I have an Alice yet, so I just told her as much as I could. Since she told me her reason, I might as well tell her one of my secrets.

This one... the story of us is something that I can't really talk about to just anybody. Well... this was Mikan so I can practically tell her something and I know she won't go telling everybody.

"Ah... where do I begin?" I told myself. If I were to begin a story... I needed to start off somewhere. From the very beginning...

This is the real story of how it was.

...

"Natsume... I win again..." I groaned out loud and she took the chance to laugh out loudly, like she won a major war. This was how it was with us. She was clearly smarter than me and taunted my sorry butt whenever she got a better score than me. Which was every time. I got perfect scores too but she always was on top.

Well... I've known her long enough to know that she is absolutely perfect at everything. That's why I loved her... a lot. We were close. Close enough to know my deepest secrets and that's cuz we knew each other when we were kids. Like toddlers because our moms were friends. Like best friends.

What do you get when your mothers are best friends? Well their children become best friends too.

That's how it was, before...

Then by the time we were nine, I noticed I had the tiniest crush that formed into something more. I would describe it like a flower bud that bloomed magnificently overtime. But she didn't feel the same for me. When I saw her with other boys, I'd get angry and use my fire Alice until they went away. It wasn't her fault she was beautiful but I hated it when there were boys. So much, that I begged her to go out with me. Through her pitiful eyes, I saw that she agreed only for my sake. That's one reason it didn't work out.

She always focused on her studies and barely gave me any attention.

By that time, the principle found my sister and I pleaded him to let her go. He took that chance as he found my one weakness and captured her. Then like a ragdoll, he dangled her in front of me and used her as a form of threat. If I didn't agree to anything he said, she'd get a beating and he wouldn't even let me see her! I suffered. I couldn't take it anymore. Imai noticed it and tried to comfort me but I wouldn't tell anyone. How would anyone know what if felt like to get your most important person in the hands of the most dangerous person in the world? No one knew how it felt...

In our junior year, I broke up with Imai. I only felt more depressed when I was with her. I didn't deserve to be happy when my sister was probably hurt and being tortured.

Then my friends no longer called me their friend. Don't worry, the feeling was mutual. It just showed me what friends really meant. Friend meant, "A breakable bond" to me. They can't be trusted and when I needed them the most, they turned their back on me and then... so did I.

It became an established routine.

That's pretty much all, to summarize. Mikan doesn't know about my sister and my Alice so I can't tell her too much.

"I really did like her..." I glanced at the floor, swallowing the tears stuck at the back of my throat. I hate crying... it just makes me feel vulnerable and weak.

Girls are so lucky, they're able to do all that stuff without shame.

"But what?" Mikan now asks me, urging me to go on.

"She didn't like me back though," I paused, "I asked her and she agreed but I could tell from her eyes that the feeling wasn't mutual..." my lips formed a straight line.

"What do you mean?" I shook my head against my hand.

"She loved me like a little brother." my fingers tapped against the arm rests and I proceeded to stare at the piano in the little room.

"Oh, is that why you broke up with her?"

"..." Then I lifted my head from my hand and gave a small smile at her, "Yeah... I didn't feel happy when I knew she didn't like me like that... I kind of... gave up." Her lips formed a frown and I could tell that she was debating whether or not to tell me something.

"You shouldn't have." Her words struck me speechless. Tears stained her cheeks a minute later. "WAHHHH!!" She cried and I looked around aimlessly. I didn't want a repeat of the same thing as last time when Ruka came to visit her.

"Why are you crying? Stop, someone will misunderstand again!!" I placed my arms on her shoulders and she shook, biting her lip from crying.

"S-sorry. I just starting crying because of the story..." She said through sobs, "S-sorry..." I blushed, tears threatening to fall but I don't. Because if I do, I won't stop and then what will Mikan think of me now?

"Its okay." I smile and she looks up at me through her tear filled eyes. "I'm over it now..."

Nothing could convince her from crying and it was a good thing that we were the only ones in the Rec Room. "..." I rubbed the back of my neck, blushing. I pulled her arms towards me and embraced her tightly.

"Thank you." I mumbled against her hair, "F-for crying in my place."

"Mhm..." She nodded against my chest.

"You're a crybaby you know? I'm over it now." I looked up at the ceiling, patting her head as she sobbed, "I don't have feelings for her anymore."

"Natsume..." She whispered. I leaned my head down to her level, "That's not true right? You still love her don't you?"

My eyes widened at her question once again, I sighed in defeat,"Yeah... but not the way I did before."

Her arms wrapped around my waist tightly, like a small child hugging a teddy bear. It made me feel warm and safe. For just a moment, I was able to feel something.

Love

It sounds weird saying it now, but that's something we all say at least once in our lives. The feeling of love is something irreplaceable after all. That's something that Mikan has shown as of this moment.

As I hug her tight, I wish for this moment to last forever...

But I know it cannot...

So maybe if I cherish the last moments we have together, it won't be so bad.

I don't want to kill Mikan. She doesn't deserve to die. Not even her mom deserved to die.

Maybe I don't have to kill Mikan...

I find out where Aoi is before those three weeks are over. Then maybe I can finally face the Principle, then all of this can finally be over.