Chapter 36

After a month of hanging out with Daz, Munch and Tory, I'm reminded of what it feels like to have brothers again. I never noticed how the feeling faded away with every month that went by with no word from Ace. Now, with Christmas approaching fast, the nostolgia is hitting harder than ever. Every new Monday serves as a gentle reminder that Christmas will be another holiday celebrated without Jonah.

A holiday he lived for, by the way.

Mama thought it was 'cause of all the gifts he got, but I knew better. Jonah loved Christmas so much 'cause it was the day we all paid attention to him. Even I--who thought the world revolved around me--always put my family before whatever holiday plans my girls and I came up with.

It was only right. There was no place for my ego under the Christmas tree. All my selfishness went up in smoke for Christmas, as if it chased Santa up and out the chimney, but I wasn't the only one.

It was like an unspoken rule that the holidays revolved around Jonah, which was weird considering Ace was the Christmas baby. His birthday was the one day he was allowed to be selfish, but still, he never was. He never hesistated to make Christmas a family affair, not even when he turned 21. Every year like clockwork, Ace would put the business of his birthday aside to focus on making the holidays every little boy's dream.

We would all crowd around Jonah and the mountains of toys Ace bought him. Ace wasn't cheap by a long shot, so Jonah's playroom would wind up looking like Santa's workshop. But all the money in the world was still no match for the pile of toys Simon had for him--some of which, still had the security tags attached.

God... Simon. If the holidays are this hard for me, I know it must be killing Simon. I have to wrap my arms around him from a distance 'cause who knows how he'll react if I touch him.

He's my heart in human form but I might as well be a donor for how much acknowledgement he gives me. We haven't said two words to each other since Munch took over the trap. I know I backed him into a corner, so I give him his space to be grouchy. I mean, didn't the grinch live at the top of a mountain away from whoville? I figure Simon's mean ass will come around eventually.

Since me and him are not on good terms and I won't be seeing Jonah's little hands attack the wrapping paper this year, it's nice to be spending the holidays with someone. Munch, Daz and Tory won't ever replace the blood brothers I have, but mud brothers are as good as any.

Tonight, I've dragged us all from our responsibilities to turn up at The Penthouse Xmas Eve Bash. Technically, Christmas Eve ain't til tomorrow but I figured all the baby mamas and baby daddies would wanna' spend Christmas Eve with their kids. That's why I'm giving them a chance to let loose tonight so they won't have to spend Christmas Day hurling over toilet seats tryna get rid of a hangover.

Today means getting so fucked up, they lose their will to do anything other than sleep tomorrow. Then, it's all apple pie, grandma kisses and thoughts that count. Or at least that was my plan when I came up with the idea.

But that was before I started hanging out at the trap with Munch and Tory every day. The weekends were the only time I had to catch up on paperwork for the club, but the girls here act like they gotta call me every time one of 'em stub their toe. Between them and the boys, I basically never get shit done.

Except tonight. Tonight, I got all my distractions in one place with their attentions occupied. Daz was the easiest to distract. All I had to do was parade the club's girls in front of him and he was all over them like a dog with a bone.

I hate to say it, but baiting Munch was just as easy; only his idea of being occupied and my idea was completely different. I thought putting asses and titties in his face would do the trick. Munch was only interested in the ass or titties that was willing to let him do a line off them.

He was the reason I was hiding out in my office an hour before I planned to. I wanted to sip a little something and relax with my guys before I buried myself with paperwork. After seeing him hit a line of coke off Kasei, I threw the towel in and decided to forfeit the game.

I don't know how Tory ever got used to it. I can't take watching someone who feels like my big brother, tweak out the second fairy dust hits his nose. I may not be able to tell him how to live his life, but I don't gotta stick around to watch him ruin it.

And apparently, neither can Tory.

I see him walking up to the door through the camera I have set up outside my office. As he gets closer, I watch him disappear from view. He ain't picked up no tricks from Houdini in the last month, he just stepped into the cameras blindspot.

I take that as a sign that he's about to knock. I really don't feel like being bothered 'cause of the Munch thing and 'cause I really need to catch up on the club's books. But it's Tory, so of course I get up to answer the door.

The club looks like a crossbreed of Heaven and Hell behind him. Heaven, if, like me, a person wants their eternal resting place to be full of liquor, trap music and pretty people. Hell, if someone looks down on the bumping and grinding happening everywhere I look. Not to mention the premarital sex that's for sure going down in the club's bathrooms.

The liquor plays a part in all the sinning going on tonight, but it's mostly cause everybody looks so damn good! I, myself, dressed up as the baddest elf New Orleans has ever seen! My green skirt is way too high, my stripy red and white stockings even higher and my green crop-top is working overtime to show off my new nipple piercings.

The new additions are like magnets to people and Tory's not immune to it. His eyes move up to my face before he really has a chance to be sorry for looking. He apologizes anyway as he walks inside the office.

I ignore him as he walks past me. He's the only one out of the group who feels more like a friend than a brother. A look here or a flirt there don't mean anything. We both know it ain't nothing but us vibin' with each other the best way we know how.

I take one more look out at the club, at what was supposed to be my happy place. Then I shut it and all the rest of my plans out.

Tory sinks into the swivel chair on the other side of my desk. He spins himself around once. I watch him as I sit back down at the desk.

Something about him is off. His face ain't giving anything up. His body is relaxed and his face is neutral, but there's certain cues you learn to pick up after spending every day with somebody.

Tory's tell-all is the way he squints his eyes like he's trying really hard to focus on something that ain't there. Well, it's there. I just have to drag it out of him.

"Let me guess. Munch high as a kite, three-way kissing two of my girls and yelling too loud for no reason?" I say.

Tory doesn't crack a smile.

"Close. He out there tryna shoot his stick at Kiari," He says.

"Wait, what?" I ask.

There was no way I heard that right.

"Calm down. It's cool. He don't know no better," Tory says.

Since when does being inebriated and high off his ass give him a pass to move on his best friend's girl?

"Um, yes he does. He's high, Tory, not teething. If he's old enough to not be told what to do by teenagers, then he's old enough to know right from wrong," I say.

Tory shakes his head.

"You not hearing me. I'm saying Munch don't know about Kiari," He says.

So much for getting some work done. Now my brain is running a mile a minute tryna read between the lines.

After a solid thirty seconds, the best I can come up with is:

"You never told Munch about your girl?"

"She not my girl, and no, that's what I got you for," Tory says.

I smile. There was no misreading that. I'm the person Tory comes to for the things he can't talk about with Munch. Our many conversations on the porch at the trap, or smoking in his car late at night told me that, but it's nice hearing him say it.

Now I know I'm not the only one who's been scooching closer together in the past month. Some people take years to form a bond and others only need a month. I guess when you click with someone, y'all just click.

"He know the story," Tory says.

It takes me a second to remember that we're still talking about Munch.

"He don't know her name or how she look. I ain't think now was the time to tell him since we through anyway," He says.

"So, 'through' is what we call watching her through the security cameras?" I ask.

"I don't even be watching her," Tory says.

I tilt my head and give him a knowing look.

"Aight, I barely be watching her," He says.

Still a lie, but I let him off the hook. He and I both know the truth. It's only us when Munch gets too backed up at the trap to meet us at the club or Daz gets caught between his two lives. When that happens, Tory and I end up chilling in the office talking about any and everything for the rest of the night.

One night the nostalgia got the best of me. We stumbled on the topic of Jonah's deafness by complaining about how loud the music was. I tried to show Tory how we taught Jonah to listen to music by feeling the vibrations.

Sober, meaning 'not drunk', Tory wouldn't do it. But Tory with the edge taken off, had no problem sitting on the floor with me so we could feel the vibrations through the bass in the floor. He even humored me by guessing which song it was.

That's not the Tory I'm dealing with tonight. Tonight, I'm talking to the same Tory I would catch watching Kiari through security cameras when he thought I wasn't looking.

Just like I do when I catch him stalking, I move the conversation along without making him feel bad about it.

"So did she serve him? Did she flirt back? What's the tea, sis?" I ask.

Tory points a finger at me.

"I told you bout that 'sis' shit," He says.

"So I get to be y'alls mud brother but you can't be my sis?" I say.

"Save that shit for Daz. He look like he'd like it," Tory says.

"Mmm. I think I'ma reserve it for my sis."

"Candyce..."

Like the warning is supposed to mean anything coming from him. If it's one thing me and Tory don't do it's walk on eggshells around each other. Just cause he's feeling a way right now does not stop me from being me. I vent way more than he do and if you think some tears stops Tory from saying whatever he want and playing whenever he wants, then consider this a wake-up call for both of you.

"Torian," I say back, twisting my neck the way Paryis used to.

He looks up at me.

"Now answer me," I say.

Tory exhales.

"She served him. She even smiled at some of the shit he was saying to her, but when she saw he was with me she headed out," Tory says.

"Respectable girl. I woulda flirted with him in front you to make you mad for ghosting me," I say.

This, of all things, gets Tory to give me half a smile.

"That's why you my best friend and not my ole lady. You tell me how these hoes operate so I know to leave 'em alone," Tory says.

"First of all, I didn't tell you to leave Kiari alone. If you knew me then, I woulda told you not to let your fear of something bad happening to her fuck up something good. Second of all, you knew I was too much for you and that's why you became my friend," I say.

Tory's slight smile twitches higher. I take that as encouragement to keep going.

"Yup. You just couldn't handle not having me in yo life so you got in where you fit in," I say.

"That's what you think?" He asks.

"That's what I know," I say.

Finally, Tory chuckles. It's a small feat but in my mind it feels like I just broke through the banner at a finish line.

"So, did you try to talk to her this time?" I ask.

"I tried to talk to her last time and she ignored me. I ain't doing that shit again," He says.

I think back to the last time I saw him interract with her.

"You talkin' bout the first time you and Munch came to The Penthouse a month and a half ago?" I ask.

"It ain't been that long," Tory says, dusting lint from his jeans.

"Yes it has," I say.

He pauses to mentally trace back the last six weeks in his head.

"Damn. So you tellin' me we been chillin' for this long and I ain't tired of yo ass yet? That gotta be some sort of record," Tory says.

"Uh, chill on me. Besides I know the real. The only reason you still hang out with me is cause I let you drink free til 10," I say.

"The club open at 10."

"Exactly. You could be drunk before the party arrives if you came early to help me set up."

"That's what you hire people for 'cause I ain't no fucking alcoholic. I don't work for free. Not even for you," Tory says.

"Boy, please. You would do anything for me," I say.

"Just about," Tory says.

We catch each other's eye and smile.

"What you doing in here anyway? You left us to come do homework?" Tory asks.

That just reminded me of why I locked myself in here to begin with. I pick up my pencil and finish doing what I was doing before he came in here looking like somebody kicked his dog.

"I'm outta school, thank you very much. Besides, fraud ain't somethin' they teach you in school," I say.

"Yeah they do. You just ain't go to the right schools," Tory says.

"Juvie does not count as school, Tory."

"Says who? I learned more shit there than what a real teacher woulda taught me."

"Is this coming from the nigga who said the streets taught him everything he needed to know?"

"You can tell you never been to jail. Juvie is the streets, Candyce, with less streetlights, more officers and every man for himself," Tory says.

Why does every normal conversation spark dark wisdom out of Tory?

If it was up to him, we'd be making a pit stop at his dark and painful memories every time we talked. It's always on me to steer the conversation towards something lighter, which I will gladly do in this case.

"So do you plan on talking to her again? I mean, you can't be here every weekend and not say somethin' to each other," I say.

"That's all up to her. I tried to talk to her. She ain't wan listen," Tory says.

"You grabbed her hand and she pulled away. Nowhere in there do I remember seeing you actually talk to her."

"You know what I remember?" Tory asks.

The way he says it and the look he gives me is a head's up to what I know he'll say next.

"What?" I ask to get it over with.

"I remember Caesar tryna talk to you like he had somethin' to get off his chest. You ain't listen to him. What make you think Kiari gon listen to me?" He asks.

Definitely not where I thought he was going with that.

I sigh. I abandon the club's financial records for a moment. It's not like I could have kept working. The numbers flew out of my head the instant Caesar's name flew out of Tory's mouth.

"What Caesar and I... what we had was nothing like what you and Kiari have. Y'all still have potential. Whatever sparks that was between me and Caesar flamed out. We--"

I take a deep breath. It's weird coming to terms about this in my head. It's much harder and also a relief to be saying it aloud.

"We shoulda let whatever was between us go out the day he left for New York. Instead, we waited three years to finally hash our shit out and now there's no going back. What's said has been said."

It's the realest I've been with myself in a while. But, this ain't about me, or Caesar, for that matter.

"You and Ki still gotta chance to pick up where y'all left off. And I promise you, anything would be better than what the hell happened between me and Caesar," I say.

Tory nods his head. He strokes his baby face with his left hand while he thinks about what I just said.

"Ion know, Cee. Maybe you right," Tory says.

Except, he don't sound that convinced.

"Or maybe I'm not. Maybe y'all wind up being another Daz and Vee but the point is, you'll never know until you find out. Just talk to her. It ain't gotta be today. Just one day," I say.

"I feel you. We'll see what happens," Tory says.

He sighs and scoots his chair closer to my desk.

"Now what you doing over here? You obviously don't know the first thing about being a criminal so let me help you," Tory says.

"Help from the boy who never made it to high school? I'm good," I say.

Tory snatches the book from under my hand anyway. His eyes move across the page quickly, like he's skimming it at first. Then they run over the page more slowly this time. My heartbeat speeds up when I see his eyebrows pull together.

This ain't my first time frauding the club's books. I had to learn how to make sense of the thousands of dollars that fly through here in a week. If Tory's eyeing my work this hard, that could mean all my other books need a second look too.

After making my heart dance around in my rib cage a lil longer, he finally sits the book down on the desk.

"So?" I ask.

"Yeah, ion know what the fuck I'm looking at. You might wan ask Cam to look over it to make sure everything straight," He says.

I exhale all the air his stupid ass had me holding in. I deflate against the back of my chair like a popped balloon.

"I hate you," I say.

"You love me. But, I'm foreal. Get Cam to check this shit over. You ain't built for jail and I ain't tryna lose you to the race Ace running," Tory says.

"You don't think I can run from the Feds?" I ask.

"That ain't the point," Tory says.

"Then what's the point?"

"I know the music loud but I know you heard me say I ain't tryna lose you," Tory says.

"You right. I did. I just wanted to hear you say it again," I say.

I smile at him. He stands from his chair.

"You ain't cute. Now get the fuck up so we can make sum'n out tonight," Tory says.

I point to the papers lying on my desk.

"I can't. It's like you said. I gotta get this shit right so I don't end up running from the law like Ace," I say.

"Ain't nun wrong with being a lil like Ace. At least he knew to leave Cam with all the boring shit," He says.

"Well I don't have a Cam," I say.

"No, but you gotta Tory. And I'm telling you to get the fuck up. You a boss now. You gotta start acting the part," Tory says.

He tries to pull me out my seat by my hand. I groan and stubbornly drag my feet across the floor until the chair's wheels get stuck on a piece of lifting carpet and almost sends my ass flying. Tory steadies me then throws an arm around my shoulders.

"Tory I--"

He opens the office door before I can finish my thought.