《When We Were Young [H.S.]》41. Falling For You

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"Here you go. Get that down you," Zara said, planting down a pint of beer in front of Wednesday on the bar table she was sat at.

She looked at it, furrowing her brows.

"It's 8 in the morning," she said unsurely, looking back to Zara who was already 3 gulps into her own.

She shrugged, pushing her curly hair over her shoulder.

"Yeah, but we're at the airport, so technically we're already on our holiday. And everyone knows once the holidays starts, alcohol is allowed at any time of the day. So, drink up," Zara smiled, taking another sip.

Wednesday looked at her with raised brows. She picked up the pint, cheering to no-one.

"Alright. Here's to our holiday."

She took a prolonged gulp, wincing at the sting of beer so early in the morning. Zara was right though; it tasted better than usual. Possibly because she was now only a flight away from a week in paradise. Something she desperately needed.

"You still been avoiding Harry then?" Zara asked, hopping up onto the opposite bar stool.

Wednesday had wondered how long it would take after meeting at the airport and checking in for her to mention the Harry situation. The answer was apparently not very long at all.

"Yes," she answered quickly, taking another gulp.

Ever since the reveal of her true feelings four days previously, Wednesday had done everything in her power to avoid talking to him until she could wrap her head around the extent of her own emotions. She'd used every excuse in the book—bad signal, time difference, illness. The fact he was over in America and therefore physically unable to see if she was okay greatly helped her attempts. And though she knew that wouldn't last long, it was enough for the time being.

"Has he picked up on the fact you're avoiding him yet?" Zara asked, her eyebrow raised inquisitively.

"I think so," Wednesday said quietly, trying to ignore her own guilt. "But he hasn't said anything. I just need some time to...I don't know, figure it all out."

"Well, you've got a full week of extra time now to find where your heads at. And me as an added bonus to help."

She grinned at Zara, unable to stop the chuckle that came out. "True. Anyway, let's not talk about it right now. Let's focus on the fact that in 12 hours, we will be sat on our balcony, looking out at the St. Lucia horizon."

"Amen to that," Zara grinned, clinking her pint glass against Wednesday's.

They boarded their flight an hour later, feeling much more relaxed as the flight took off with the steady amount of alcohol running through their bloodstreams. Zara fell into a deep sleep whilst Wednesday, whose mind was still too overactive, leant back and watched as many films as the plane had to offer. Then, after a long 9 hours of being in the sky, they landed in Hewanorra Airport.

As they stepped off of the plane, Wednesday was instantly met with the warm sun on her skin and the smell of the ocean drifting over. It certainly beat the smoggy London air she was used to. Walking across the tarmac, she exhaled slowly, letting excitement creep in over finally being there. Finally having a break.

Once they'd collected their luggage and made it through security, they grabbed a car to the resort they were staying at. Wednesday spent the entirety of the ride with her nose practically pressed to the window, in awe at the beauty of the long winding mountains and roads they were driving through. The scenery was breath-taking, the ocean turquoise and inviting. Greenery was everywhere she looked. It was heaven.

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Even the walk into their resort was luxurious, with waterfalls lining the path to the main desk. Once they'd checked in, an attendant helped them with their bags to the room. He swiped the key card and pushed open the door, the view making both Wednesday and Zara's jaws drop open in sheer awe.

Their suite was huge, with two separate bedrooms situated side by side opposite the main living area. A spotless kitchen was at the other side of the room, the open plan layout so large it could practically house a family of 4. A large marble lined bathroom was situated next to the bedrooms too. But the real amazement came from the sliding doors at the end of the room, leading to the patio area.

They walked to the end, pushing the doors open and Wednesday gasped at the view. On the patio were a variety of chairs and sofas, a few tables scattered. Wild potted plants and flowers, colourfully inviting, were dotted precariously on the tiled floor. And then to the right, with steps leading down into it, was a large infinity pool. Just for the two of them. All of it looking right out at the sapphire blue ocean and mountain side.

It was otherworldly.

And she wished Harry could see it.

"This is paradise," Zara said once the attendant had left, letting them settle into their new home for the next week. She sat down on one of the sofas outside, letting the sun fall on her face.

"I can't believe this is all ours for the week," Wednesday said, still very much in awe at the view she was looking at out. It felt surreal in comparison to her bedroom view of the north of London.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I don't think we should waste any more time not drinking and enjoying ourselves," Zara said, opening up her bag and pulling out a bottle of wine.

Wednesday's face immediately clouded in confusion.

"Where did you get that?"

"Airport when we landed," Zara shrugged, unscrewing the cap and going inside to find some glasses.

She emerged a minute later, setting the glasses down on the table between them and pouring a hefty amount into each. Wednesday picked hers up as Zara did, clinking their glasses together. She looked back to the sunset, feeling pure contentment wash over her for the first time in a long time.

"I think you needed this holiday even more than I did," Zara observed, leaning her head onto her elbow as she laid down sideways.

Wednesday smiled, letting her head rest on the back of the sofa as she sat further down.

"This is my reward for making it here without completely losing my head," Wednesday said, her tone sarcastic as she grinned.

"And you deserve it," Zara nodded.

"Thanks," she replied, sighing. "Anyway, come on. I want all the new deets on your love life please, nothing left out."

"Well," Zara began, taking a sip of wine with a smirk. "I might be currently seeing some rich architect at the minute. But it's not exclusive. So technically, I'm free to do what and who I want until then."

Wednesday's mouth parted in a mixture of shock and admiration. Zara had a talent for keeping men on their toes, with their wallets open. She wondered how she had the energy for it—talking to men in itself was a chore for her these days.

"God, you're a one-woman machine. You've probably had more sex in the past week than I've had all year."

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"And you've got no-one to blame for that but yourself," Zara said matter-of-factly, sipping her wine. "You're fit as fuck and could get any guy you want. You just can't be bothered."

"You're not wrong, I am lazy," she smiled, before throwing her head back and sighing dramatically. "Ugh, they're all just so boring though. It's like talking to a lump of coal."

"There's a reason you find them all boring to talk to and his name begins with H and ends in S." Zara followed this up with exaggerated kissing noises, making Wednesday wince whilst laughing.

"God, stop. I'm begging."

Zara stopped the noises but pointed her long acrylic laden finger over at her. "For now, I will. But we're going to talk about this later."

"Fine, deal," Wednesday agreed reluctantly.

For the next hour, they discussed everything from Zara's new love interest to her life in Dubai, as well as Wednesday's current job (or lack thereof) status. They'd booked a reservation at the resort hotel for 6 so they could watch the sunset as they ate and drank, so once they'd finished the bottle between them, they both got showered and ready in their respective rooms.

At quarter to 6, they exited their rooms, eyeing each other's outfit appreciatively. Zara had opted for a red ruffled two piece and Wednesday had chosen a burnt orange linen dress, with short puffy sleeves. After taking pictures, they headed down to the restaurant and were seated right on the edge of the balcony, once again overlooking the fading horizon. Couples were scattered on other tables surrounding them, talking in low murmurs.

Ordering a round of cocktails and their food, they sat in joint enjoyment of the lowering sun. The sky was painted in brushes of fantastic orange and pink, the sky getting more purple the further from the sea it was. The large sun reflected off of the water and as it got further down, it disappeared behind a rock in the distance. Waves gently flowing back and forth on the beach below echoed to where they were sat. Wednesday looked at it with glossy eyes. There was something about sunsets that sparked a part of her soul.

Grabbing her phone, she took a quick picture. In the event she somehow managed to understand her own feelings and discover a way to move forward from it, she'd show it to Harry. She knew it would be something he'd want to see. Even if she was actively avoiding him, it didn't mean she didn't think about him. All she ever seemed to do these past few days was think about him.

"This is like heaven on earth. Can we just stay here?" Wednesday groaned as they drank their cocktails.

"I'm down if you are. This place is bliss."

Their food was served, and they quickly tucked in, the only meals they'd eaten that day being the food aboard the plane. As they ate, the sun fully lowered, and the sky quickly darkened. Lights vaguely illuminated the area, a candle in the middle of their table being the biggest source of light between them. Wednesday sat back as she took the last bite, moaning in pleasure at the amount of food she'd just consumed. Thank god she was wearing a loose flowing dress.

Not long after, they ordered more cocktails, as well as shots just for fun and it didn't take long for it to start having an effect on both of them.

"So, did you really not know?" Zara asked, twirling her curls with one hand and a cocktail grasped in the other.

"Not know what?" Wednesday asked, her limbs loose thanks to the drinks.

"That you had feelings for Harry?"

Wednesday swirled her drink around the glass. "Not a clue. I mean, I always knew he was attractive, like obviously. I'm not blind. And I knew that when I was around him, I felt different. Happier. But I wasn't, like, consciously aware of it. I dunno, it's weird. Sade, my therapist, said something about my brain suppressing the feelings because I..." she trailed off. She was tipsy, but not yet drunk enough to start telling people the deeply uncomfortably truths of her own brain. Not even Zara. That would take more time. "Well, I don't really know why."

"But surely you would have gotten a hint when you think about him whilst...you know."

Wednesday's eyes crinkled. "What are you talking about?"

"You know what I mean...when you go to town on yourself." Wednesday raised her eyebrow, making Zara continue as if it was obvious. "You know, petting the cat? Doing a Meg Ryan? Paddling the pink canoe? For fucks sake, fingering yourself!"

Wednesday shushed her quickly, looking around at the tables closest to them and hearing murmurs elicited at Zara's outburst. "Yes, I gathered what you meant after petting the cat, thank you very much. And I don't know, I think of loads of different things when I do that. But usually, I'm just lazy and stick porn on."

"Fair enough." Zara sat back, her eyes widened. "But still, that's mad. How you can like someone and not even know it? You could have saved yourself the therapist fee to find that out though."

Wednesday furrowed her brows, confused. "What do you mean?"

"I mean it was obvious you liked him as more than a friend."

She blinked a few times as she remained silent, wondering if she'd heard Zara correctly.

"You knew...that I had feelings for him?"

"Well, yeah. It's always been obvious to anyone with eyes and ears."

Wednesday's mouth parted in sudden surprise, breathing out her complete shock. "Well why didn't you tell me?!"

Zara shrugged defensively. "I thought you knew! I just assumed you didn't want to admit it or tell other people, so I never brought it up."

"So, you're telling me it was that obvious to everyone else except me?!" Wednesday asked, still so completely bewildered at the revelation.

"I mean, you do look at him like he's a Greek god or something. And you always do that hair thing when you talk to him."

Wednesday pursed her lips, taking a drink. "What hair thing?"

"You know, the hair thing." Zara sat up straighter, feigning a shy expression and pushing one strand of loose hair behind her ear to demonstrate her point. "That hair thing!"

"I don't just do that around him," Wednesday laughed defensively. "I do it around everyone!"

"No, it's only ever him you do it to. And plus, your cheeks go mad red every time he says something even remotely complimentary or flirty to you. You'd have to be blind to not notice."

Wednesday slipped further into her seat, her hand coming up to her face. She could feel her cheeks going red, but this time out of sheer embarrassment.

"I never realised." With an alarming thought, she looked up quickly. "Do you...do you think he knows?"

Before she could let blinding panic wash over her, Zara shook her head.

"No, I don't think so. I think you're lucky he's equally as clueless as you. Either that or he's madly in love with you too and also doesn't want to admit it."

A loud guffaw left Wednesday's lips as she chose to ignore the L word Zara had used. "Yeah, this is definitely a one-sided attraction. He doesn't see me like that."

Zara's face crinkled, her lips pursing. "Why wouldn't he like you like that? You're both the same age, both grew up together, have the same interests, same job and pretty much the exact same personalities. Not to mention you spend every waking moment of the day with each other. Plus, I've noticed the way he looks at you too. I don't think it's too far-fetched an idea."

Wednesday finished her drink, looking out at the barely visible ocean. She'd heard something similar to this once before. Someone feeding her hope, back when she'd been naïve and not understanding of what it all meant. If she'd learnt anything, it was that hope was something dangerous. It provided a false sense of happiness that could be ripped away at any moment. Idealism was pointless; at least her realism kept her grounded and prevented her from complete disappointment.

"Remember when I told you about that time we kissed? In Amsterdam, when we were drunk?" Wednesday asked a moment later.

Zara nodded, her expression slightly confused as she remained silent, waiting for her to continue.

"I said that the morning after we both laughed it off and said we were too drunk. Well, I...I remember the way that kiss made me feel. It took my breath away. And the next day I was so nervous to see Harry because of what he'd say. Somewhere deep down, I knew it wasn't just a kiss. It meant something to me. But then the morning after, he...he said we'd had too much to drink and that it didn't mean anything. And I think after that, any feelings I had were just pushed down so that I wouldn't feel as shitty as I did in that moment again."

"He said it didn't mean anything?" Zara asked.

Wednesday nodded, looking down to her glass with a sad smile. "Yeah. So, the chances of him liking me back are non-existent, I'd say."

"But Weds, that was when you were both, what, 19? You were barely even adults, let alone able to articulate how you both really felt. There's a very big difference between a teenager freshly pushed into the world of celebrity and a 26-year-old who knows what he wants."

"I...I don't know. I don't think it's that straightforward."

"I'm not saying it is. But you're shutting down the possibility of this being a mutual feeling before he's even said anything. For all we know, he could have a shrine dedicated to you in his attic," Zara shrugged.

Wednesday smiled tightly, looking down to her rapidly emptying glass. "I just don't see it happening. Him liking me in that way."

"Why though?" Zara challenged, her brows furrowed as if she couldn't understand her reasoning.

"Because he's Harry Styles. And I'm..."

She trailed off, feeling a sudden urge to cry. It was like therapy all over again, Zara pulling the thoughts her mind had battled to keep buried deep within her out into the harsh view of the world.

The alcohol wasn't helping either.

"You're what?" Zara asked quietly, getting a sense of what the end of the sentence would be.

Wednesday shrugged, breathing out as she avoided Zara's eyes and looked out to the black sky.

"I'm me."

She was just her. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not kind enough. Stubborn. Careless. Selfish. Ugly. Fat. Desperate. That was who she was. Worthless, down to her core. Sade had told her not to listen, to not believe what she thought about herself. But, how couldn't she? It was what other people had thought about her. The girls at school, the internet, Patrick. How could it not be true if that was what others had said to her?

Harry didn't have feelings for worthless or ugly people. He loved people who were beautiful, inside and out.

Something she wasn't.

Her words settled in the air uncomfortably between them, thick like smoke. Zara's expression turned into one of pure disbelief as she tried to register what she'd just heard. Meanwhile, Wednesday finished off her cocktail, needing the extra alcohol all of a sudden.

"Wednesday," Zara began slowly, her voice serious. She looked up to see her staring directly back at her, no hint of humour on her face. "You are enough. You're more than enough. You're smart and funny and hot as fuck. I know you maybe don't think that about yourself, but it's true. And let me tell you—Harry would be lucky to even get the chance to date you. Fuck, he's lucky that you even like him like that!"

Wednesday looked up, chewing her inner cheek. She didn't know what to say, because it was hard to believe what Zara was saying. Truly believe.

Her phone buzzed on the table, making them both look to it. Wednesday picked it up tentatively, her skipping a beat when she saw Harry's name.

"It's Harry," she announced quietly to Zara, swiping to open the message.

"What's he said?"

Wednesday read over the message, feeling guilt invade her once more.

"He's asked if I got here safely and that he hopes I have a good time and enjoy myself. He also sends his love to you."

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