~*~*~

Noah's POV

It's been three weeks already, and nothing sucks more than missing her.

I groaned loudly and stopped jogging abruptly taking my earphones out; she was creeping her way into my mind again when the point of this jog was to get her out, to release my stress and to just forget for a short moment.

I sighed and looked up, my heart ached and my stomach dropped, I knew I jogged all the way here purposely but I haven't been here in a long while...

But I needed to talk to someone, and she was the only one I could be personal with, I know she'd never tell anyone about our conversation, that is because she can't, she's dead.

I pushed the rusty inky black metal gate open, I could smell the stench of moss forming at its edges.. nobody takes care of this place? It seems like it has been abandoned for years, it's like all the burials here didn't have families or friends

Why am I judging though.. it's my first visit in years, I felt selfish because I wasn't coming her to say a prayer, I was coming to vent out my problems

I walked inside and was already regretting it, I forgot where my own madre's grave was located.

I wandered around, passing by obelisk shaped tombs, various white-ish grey graves covered with withered wilted flowers left by their loved ones who knows how long ago, I kept reading the names of the burials, then my eyes landed on a hers " and my mind flooded with memories and flashbacks from the times I came to her in my vulnerable state, how I let my heart out for her and for just a little moment forgot that I'm a feared mafia boss, I forgot that I was grown up and how I was so cold and heartless and just came to her as her little boy

Yes I only come to her when my heart is aching, or when I'm in deep crap and just need an escape from reality, it's been such a long time since my heart felt something deep, Adriana left a scar for sure.

I felt guilty for not getting her beautiful roses, I squatted down and wiped the dirt off her grave "hola mama,mi ángel" I whispered and smiled weakly

"I know you are most likely upset I have not visited you in so long mama but I have been busy.. I know you're probably shaking you head in disappointment but forgive me... I miss you with my all, hey remember when you used to practically beg me to settle down and to search for my soul mate, you always told me that she is out there, and you know what? I found her madre, I found her, but then I lost her because I'm a coward, I was afraid of my own feelings, I couldn't accept them, I didn't realize how true and real they are until I lost her, and now I might lose her forever, she might join you any second and that scares the living hell out of me mama, I don't want to lose her, she's on my mind all the time, wherever I go, whatever I do she's there, and I lost her, I thought maybe I'd move on because feelings weren't for men like me, but feelings are stronger than anything... I feel so weak and numb, I don't know how to save her, even though I was the one who wounded her" I let out a pained groan , I've never been more honest with my feelings than now...

I thought I love Adriana

But

I'm utterly in love with her

I won't let her go, she won't leave me, not like this... not now

I felt my phone vibrating and I took it out of case holder attached to my arm, and I almost fell back when I read the caller's ID, it's from the hospital

A wave of various mixed feelings hit me, and I unlocked the phone with trembling hands, I told them to keep me updated on her status..

"what happened is adriana okay??" I instantly said

"Mr. Massarotti.. you better visit the church this Sunday because a miracle has fallen from above.. Adriana Lockwood came back to us, she woke up" a woman chirped on the other end of the line and my mouth fell a gap.. she's back? she's here? adriana..

"w-what did she say? is anybody there? im coming" i said quickly then hung up not bothering to hear a reply I needed to go see her, oh god thank you lord, thank you thank you

I stood up, brushed the dirt off my trousers and almost rushed out then i remembered i haven't said my goodbye yet

"MAMA SHE'S BACK, SHE WILL NOT JOIN YOU, I LOVE YOU, SEE YOU SOME DAY" i shouted happily, i didn't care if i wasn't being my usual self or that i have adopted a soft spot for adriana

she was worth every change

i turned on my heel and sprinted out of the cemetery cursing for not having my car with me, i dialed Andres, after the first ring he answered "Si jefe?"

"andres meet me at the local cemetery, be here by five minutes or i'm feeding you your balls, We need to go see adriana"

"you all have issues with my balls! adios i'll get there asap" he hung up and i sighed

I am definitely the last person she wants to see right now.. What am I supposed to say to her?

"sorry for hurting you so badly that you attempted suicide and almost died, but hey I didnt mean those words i said, f*ck me?"

hah

i paced around impatiently, when i noticed it has been five minutes I was ready to dial Andres again but just as i took my phone out i heard a car halt and i looked up and saw my car, he rolled down the window "well look at that i guess my balls are staying where they are supposed to be" he remarked sarcastically

I ignored him and slid into the passenger seat "GO, NOW"

~~~

I pushed the door to her room open quickly and rushed inside, her eyes fluttered open at the sense of someone coming inside, and if it was possible for her face to drain from more color that it has already drained, it did, at the sight of me

she pulled of her oxygen mask, "l-leave.. l-eave" she struggled on her own words, she was hardly breathing, her voice was cracked and barely audible

I stepped closer to her bed and it was like she was trying to move away but she was too weak to do anything

"shh baby, don't exhaust yourself, don't speak" i was next to her head now, i caressed her cheek with my thumb and she flinched away

"h-elpp" she managed to say,but a dangerous fit of coughing followed

"adriana please stop" i said softly grabbing the oxygen mask and placing it back on

i could see tears already forming in her eyes and it struck me hard

i ruined her..

"no, no don't, don't cry mi carina, i don't deserve those tears, I don't want to hurt you anymore" I said in a low soft tone, and bent down and pressed my lips on her warm forehead

she closed her eyes shut and tears rolled down her cheeks, i wiped them away and spoke again "don't do this to me... Adriana i have so many things to tell you, unspoken truthful words, you deserve to know the truth bella because everyone has been fooling you, including me.. but not now, i want you to rest, i'll leave you alone if yu want, but only after i tell you what I need to. Carina, i'm not worthy of all of what you put yourself through.." i placed my hand on hers but she moved it away like she was just electrocuted

"I will be back later, please my love, rest, focus on your recovery..." i whispered in her ear, and pressed my lips underneath then moved away from her and left the room

my heart felt as if it was holding all of the world's weight and pressure.. it anguished me byond belief seeing her like that

and there was only one person to blame here

myself

~~~~~~~~~~~