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Adriana

It's crazy how much words are powerful, how they could shatter someone and break them apart, just like a bullet shot at fragile glass, it goes from something beautiful and safe to useless pieces of glass, scrambled everywhere.

Broken glass is useless, unless used as a weapon, or just another tool for a miserable self destructed person to use for suicide, to end his dark path, his agony, his pain.

Suicide

A thought that has been going through my mind, over and over and over again for the past seven days.

Ever since that witch cursed night, the night I was honest about my feelings. The night I decided to face my demons, turned out I wasn't some demon slayer, I was just an easy prey, and the demon managed to haul me to the obscure dark side.

And now I'm here. Completely and utterly drained of all the light and happiness.

This is how I figured out that my feelings were more powerful than I had thought, this is how I knew for sure that it was, still is, love.

Love can either build you or completely demolish you.

Noah Massarotti ended, slayed, killed, Adriana Lockwood.

The pain I've been enduring have been like nothing anyone have ever experienced, it was worse than losing your loved one. It was worse than falling off Mount Everest to the lowest part of the deepest ocean.

I knew I had lost myself completely, and it would take time for me to regain half of what I've lost from myself

This week got me thinking, and I reached a decision, after shutting out everyone and everything for an entire week, I finally made my decision, a decision that wasn't even taken by Adriana herself, but a little part of her, of me, what's left of me anyway.

I was going to marry Luca.

Being alone will do me no good, and I rather be depressed with someone who will give me all the affection and attention I've been missing, someone who would pull me out of my dark miserable place, than be left here all alone with all the suicidal thoughts.

I believe Luca will be my medicine

He have been trying to contact me all week, but I didn't give him the chance

Been hiding under my blanket, crying to the point where my body got dehydrated, and I was buried underneath an ocean of tears and mucus-soaked tissues.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Wrong.

Maybe I'm not actually dead, but at least I feel that I am.

Love isn't easy, nobody ever said it was easy... In fact all the most epic love stories have a tragic ending

The only difference in my love story is that it never happened but it ended. It ended tragically.

I received and endured all the affliction and misery, meanwhile is living his life normally, maybe even better now, knowing he broke someone.

I always knew he was a sadist, all the pain I've went through was a drug to him, a drug that gave him more power, and happiness I suppose...

Maybe yes, I have lost a vast and major part of myself but I'm still as contradictory as ever

I'm still stuck on two thoughts

Do I really want to pull myself from this terrible place I am in and allow a man to be my cure, depend on a man that I don't love to be the reason I smile again?

Or do I just end it, right here, right now. End all the distress, misery, torment with one really easy move?

Death used to scare me, but now i am seeing it as my only way out, as my saviour.

I look around me and smile when I find the pills I bought, I reach out and grab two packs

It's the fastest way out... They say.

Nobody will miss Adriana Lockwood anyway right? Nobody even knows who she is anymore, not even her own self knows.

Wrong.

The old Adriana would've moved on real quick, found a profound love for something new, and kept going, being strong is her special characteristic. She went through hell and back yet managed to stand up on her feet and fight again. She was caged but managed to liberate herself...

But this is what the ignorants would say

When I love something, or someone, I love so purely, from the deepest part of my heart, I love with my all, I give my all. This is what I did. I denied my feelings until I couldn't bottle them up anymore, I thought it was a simple crush, that I'd move on... But I didn't.

Maybe it's not my love for him that's hurting me so much, it's his

He made me feel utterly worthless, he made me realize how cruel human beings are, how bitter life is. How it's not worth living.

I never truly noticed how rough, crappy and atrocious my life has been this entire time... Before and post Noah

Before I was living under my mom's orders, I had a rough childhood, I didn't have any friends, grew up without a father, didn't even graduate college and my only boyfriend was a gold digging f*ckboy horny douchebag, and my mother was crueller than Cinderella's step mother, when she's my actual birth mother.

But at least I was rich right?

But then no, also that was taken away, after that night, when I met him... I thought my life was horrible then? It managed to get even more terrible

I was tortured, held against my will, lost my pride, touched in weird ways, looked at in creepy ways, almost died, fell, stood up, Escaped, found, and the cycle goes on until the day I was granted freedom, it was also the day I knew for real that I was in love with my master

My life took a nice turn, then life hit me again and that's how I'm here.

After going through everything, after reaching a high step I fell back down 12586322kms deep. And I can't get back up.

This is why I give up

This is why I gave up..

I took the last pill, smiling to myself, it's like my life kept flashing In front of my eyes throughout swallowing the pills...

I swallowed the last one and waited..

It wasn't a long wait though.

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