narrated by lulu jenson

" Emotions aren't just for the big screen "

I remember when it happened the first time. 'Cause it was the day my dad left. I was fifteen. And everything inside of me just... shut down. Everything I did after he disappeared felt... robotic.

Lulu didn't notice her mother falling on the ground with Zahia kneeling in front of her as they both cried painfully. Lulu didn't feel her entire body shaking and her breathing slowing more and more each second.

And then she heard this buzzing sound. Everything was silent but it was so quiet that it all became incredibly loud.

And it all stopped moving. Lulu was glued near the front door and it became terrifying. As if she was staring at a painting that didn't move, didn't breathe, didn't feel a single thing.

Lifeless, she stumbled against the walls and walked inside the room that held so many wonderful memories with her father from her childhood.

I stole bottles of whisky in his office, I locked myself in my room and I drank.

It was the very first time Lulu drank alcohol on her own. Usually, it was at parties, with Rue. It was filled with fun and laughter.

Not this time though.

And Lulu stopped drinking when the world started spinning again.

When I woke up I was in Rue's bed.

Rue had been taking care of Lulu all night. From the moment she knocked on her window to the moment she hardly explained what had happened a few houes earlier because of how intoxicated she was, Rue didn't let her go one second.

She helped her get undressed, helped her under the shower and kept her arms firmly around her shaking body to get her to fall asleep.

The following morning, Lulu couldn't be happier to have a best friend like Rue by her side.

. . .

Now, Lulu was at the beach with her agent, Enolla, telling her everything that had happened with her mother a few days back to get it out of her chest. It felt weird to the young girl to open up this much to her artistic representative.

"Do you think that's what pushed your mother away?" Enolla asked.

Lulu shrugged her shoulders, "Well... I don't know... I-I'm not in her brain like... I think it was too much. I think.... I think she could've died for my dad."

"So you really believe her when she said she went out looking for him?"

Lulu sipped on her coffee before making eye contact with Enolla, "Yeah. That was the first time in a very long time where it felt like... she was there."

"Why couldn't you tell Rue this time?" Enolla wondered, "Not that I don't want you to tell me. You know you can count on me. But... I've worked with you for years and you never once stopped telling me how Rue was your ride or die."

Lulu bit her lip nervously, "Something changed in our relationship. It's... it's not the same anymore. I used to think nothing could tear us apart but... I think we kinda pushed each other away. It was just us both before. She would've done everything for me. And I would've done everything for her."

I think she saved me. 'Cause... I couldn't count on my mom. I couldn't count on Zahia 'cause... she was too young and... she was broken.

Lulu had to watch her sister crumble beneath her eyes. The twelve year old girl wouldn't eat, sleep, go out and she would miss school several days each week.

Their mother would spend all her time locked up in her bedroom, until, eventually, the bills were impossible to pay and the trio had to sell the house and settle in a small house where nothing changed.

And Lulu was the one who had to take care of everything —from grocery shopping, cooking, doing laundry and paying the bills, because life didn't stop and she was the one handling the situation "better".

But Rue was always there. Like... we would do everything together. Good stuff... Bad stuff... Everything. 'Cause it was her and I against the world.

Whenever Lulu felt like she was going to lose her mind, she would jump on her scooter and drive to Rue's house. Because, with Rue, she could be a teenager. She could go to parties, get drunk, hook up with a random stranger and tell her the whole thing the following morning without feeling the hammer of adulthood over her shoulders.

She could be herself entirely and put away the terrible reality awaiting inside her house.

Honestly, Lulu could never picture her life without Rue. It made no sense to imagine herself going on without the girl she loved more than anyone else. It was like she had found her soulmate. It was Rue and Lulu forever.

And then it wasn't.

Lulu remained on that curb —after her mother had abandoned them, for a long time. Tears were flooding down her eyes and she felt herself being stuck in limbo again.

And when Lulu came to her senses, all she wanted was to be with Rue. But Rue never picked up the phone and, when a few years back, Lulu would've drove to her house anyways, this time, Lulu decided to lock herself in her house.

It felt like I had lost an anchor. Again.

. . .

"Why don't you call her?" Enolla asked, startling the girl who was lost in her thoughts.

Lulu shook her head, "I don't know... it's like whenever we talk, we... like... go through an endless goodbye. Like... we constantly break up, you know?"

Enolla seemed confused at Lulu's explanation, causing her to sigh and think of another way to explain the situation.

"Like... I feel like she is too caught up in this other relationship that she... forgot about me," Lulu confessed, "We never really fought before but we've had some ups and downs and we'd always balance things out. Now, it feels like she tried to come back to me when she realized I was gone for real."

"So it all started cause you were jealous?" Enolla blurted out.

Lulu opened her eyes wide, "What?! No, no, no. I was never jealous."

"Really? Cause it felt like you were when you mentioned this other relationship."

Lulu brought a cigarette to her lips, lighting it before inhaling and exhaling the smoke, remaining silent.

"It's okay to be jealous, you know," Enolla said, "You've been best friends with Rue for like, what... over ten years?! Of course, you can't pretend you aren't affected at all when someone comes in and pushes someone you love so far away."

"I mean... yeah, okay, I might've been a little jealous of Jules at first," she admitted, "But then I realized I was... mad."

"Why is that?"

"Cause... she totally forgot about me!" Lulu breathed out, "She stopped answering texts, she stopped inviting me over at her house, she didn't even come to the movie projection when it came out. She probably went because she saw everyone's Instagram stories about it."

At this point, Lulu was fighting back the tears. She looked up at the sky and swallowed harshly, focusing hard not to crack.

"Why are you fighting the tears?" Enolla asked, "Emotions aren't just for the big screen, you know. You've literally been telling me your life story for two hours and didn't show anything. Just let it out."

"I don't want to," Lulu confessed in a shaky whisper.

"Why?" Enolla wondered softly.

"Cause... I'm scared I won't be able to pretend I'm strong anymore."

And, when the final words escaped Lulu's mouth, she started sobbing uncontrollably.

Enolla was quick to react and tackle her in a warm hug, as Lulu wrapped her arms around the woman, and she cried. For a very long time. Because it was too hard to pretend she was fine.

She wasn't fine. Both of her parents had disappeared and the young adult had had to take care of everything at home, at school and at work to make sure she wouldn't go crazy on the inside. But, by doing that, she had pushed away the inevitable —taking care of herself.

When Lulu had let it all out, she decided to stay with Enolla a little longer before she eventually had to go home. Enolla walked her to her scooter and gave her a warm embrace.

"Look, I know you feel like you're doing all the work, but I can tell this whole thing with Rue is eating you up," Enolla said, "And Christmas is coming... maybe you should try knocking at her window again?"

Lulu half-smiled, "Yeah... yeah, I guess I'll think about it. But... thank you so much for today. Really."

"Anytime, kid."

Lulu chuckled and put her helmet over her head, sitting on the scooter before turning the engine on.

"Oh, by the way," Enolla started, "Remember that audition you had in September?"

Lulu nodded, remembering she went totally hungover and considering she had never heard back from it, she had assumed she blew it.

"They wanna see you again," Enolla said with a proud smile.

"Really?! But... I totally messed up."

"Told you you'd make wonders," Enolla replied with a wink.

Lulu chuckled and drove off, checking out Enolla who was waving goodbye through the rear view mirror.

And, as advised, Lulu went over at Rue's place.

My body was shaking so much I almost fell from my scooter. I could feel my heart beating in my eyeballs. I mean, that was the first time I was this nervous to go see Rue.

Lulu let out a long breath and started pacing back and forth in front of the house —somehow considering leaving and pretending she never came in the first place.

That's when I saw Rue walking out.

Rue would've recognized the sound of Lulu's scooter anywhere. And, when she saw her through the window, she knew she couldn't let this opportunity slip away.

The two girls made eye contact and, in a second, they both started crying as Lulu lunged herself in Rue's arms. Rue wrapped her arms tighter than ever around Lulu's body and they stayed like this for a very long time, simply appreciating each other's company as it felt like they had both released a heavy weight from their shoulders.

'Cause you know what? Fuck it, I had missed her way too much.

( ... )

a/n aaaaaand that's it for Lulu's special episode! i hope you guys liked it, it wasn't as eventful as usual but i felt it was important to simply give some space for lulu to be emotional and let out everything she had inside.

also, reunion with rue!!!!!!!! do you guys want me to dive deeper into their reunion? if so, what would you like them both to talk about??