"Oh come on!" Jackie said, walking into the basement to see Hyde on top of Izzy on the couch. "Can't you two go make out anywhere else?!"

Hyde looked up. "Can't you go bug people anywhere else?"

"No!"

Izzy sighed and set a hand on Hyde's chest, making him sit up so she could as well. "What's up, Jackie?"

Jackie sat down in her chair with a huff. "How did you even get here before me? Hyde, you picked her up the same time I left."

Izzy laughed. "I think Steven broke a few speed limits to get a little privacy here."

"Oh. Oops."

Fez then came skipping down the stairs, greeting everyone with a bright smile. "Hello, all! Jackie, do you have something for me?""

"Oh, yeah. I brought cheese samples from work." She pulled out two little bag of samples, tossing them to Fez and Hyde.

"What's wrong with them?" Hyde asked.

"Nothing?"

Izzy leaned over and whispered, "They were in the garbage."

"Cool, thanks!"

"Hey," Kelso said, coming in through the basement door. "You know how my brother locks me in a closet with a pillowcase full of dead fish until the stink makes me cry? Well, when I was in there, I heard him make a phone call. And it seems that he's got a little surprise for Donna tonight. The honeymoon suite at that French motel in Kenosha."

"The Le Motel?" Jackie asked.

Fez's eyes widened. "Oh no, it sounds like Donna and Casey are going to le do it."

"Man, Eric's gonna freak when we tell him." Kelso said with a grin.

"Why would we tell him?" Hyde asked.

"To watch him freak out!"

Izzy scowled. "He's gonna take that real hard. We should keep our mouths shut."

"While that would be very considerate of your brother's feelings, Iz, I offer this: tell him, and watch him freak out!"

Hyde nodded. "No, Izzy's right. We all need to zip it." He turned to Fez. "Especially you."

"Hey, I can keep a secret!" Fez said. "I did not tell Kelso you took five bucks from his wallet!"

Kelso turned to Hyde with wide eyes. "Hyde!"

Jackie sighed. "None of you guys can keep a secret."

"Well you sure can, especially when it's about you kissing other guys!" Kelso said.

A few days ago, Eric had caught Jackie kissing the Cheese Palace manager, Todd. The two decided to stay together, but not after Todd managed to beat the crap out of Kelso. Todd was quickly transferred to another Cheese Palace location after that happened.

"Michael, it was one guy from work. And I told you I'm sorry! God, how long are you gonna keep throwing that in my face?"

"Well, how long are you gonna keep throwing your face in other guys' faces?" Kelso chuckled, clearly proud of his comeback. "Wow. That was clever. I think I won that, yeah!"

Izzy picked up a pillow and threw it at Kelso, who let out a high-pitched scream and ducked. "Well, don't be an asshole about it, Kelso!"

-

Later on, Izzy and Fez were sitting on the hood of the Cruiser; Izzy was sketching in her book while Fez told her about his date with Rhonda.

"And when we left the ice cream parlor, she hugged me, Izzy! Hugged! And I could feel her beautiful two-"

"Oh look, it's Eric!" Izzy yelled, expeditiously cutting Fez off before he could say what she thought he was going to say.

"Hey guys," Eric said, coming up to them.

"Oh, Eric." Fez sighed dramatically. "Let me just say I'm sorry."

Izzy's eyes widened. "Fez! No!"

Eric looked confused. "Sorry about what?"

"We can't tell you!"

Fez shrugged. "But, if you were to guess that Casey's taking Donna to a honeymoon suite, then I would say good guess."

"Fez!"

Eric stopped. "Wait, Casey and Donna got a motel room?"

"Yes."

"Fez!"

"Izzy, let me speak. Look on the bright side, Eric. Donna and Casey may be doing it, but at least they are doing it in a vibrating, heart-shaped bed. If you see what I mean."

"Well I do now," Eric said. "Thanks to your spot-on, detailed description."

"Oh, and there'll probably be a mirror or two."

"Fez!"

"Izzy, let me speak!" He turned back to Eric. "You know, so they can watch themselves while they-"

Eric looked distraught. "Yeah, I know!"

-

Izzy stood in Donna's bedroom later that afternoon, braiding Donna's hair while Jackie did her makeup. "So what are you and Casey doing tonight?" Izzy asked, reaching for a hair tie.

"He won't tell me." Donna said with a smile. "It's a surprise." She started putting on her blush, but quickly had the makeup brush snatched away from her by Jackie.

"Oh honey, it's blush, not spray paint!" Jackie resumed applying the blush for Donna. "Surprise, huh? What if the surprise is something big, are you ready for it?"

Izzy nodded. "How do you really feel about Casey?"

Donna shrugged, still smiling giddily. "I dunno."

"Well, how do you feel about his hair?" Jackie asked.

"Love it, lots of body."

"And his body?"

"Love it, lots of hair."

"How about his car?"

"Love it, Trans-Ams kick ass!"

Izzy laughed. "There you go! Hair, body, car, the Big Three--the Holy Trinity of Love, if you will!"

"Okay, I think you're ready for your big surprise!" Jackie said, setting down the blush brush.

"Okay, what is this big surprise?"

"All I can tell you is definitely, definitely shave those legs."

-

"Well, I called the Le Motel." Eric said, sitting in the circle. "Fez, you were right. Casey has a reservation for tonight."

"And Hyde, you were right." Fez said. "I cannot keep a secret."

"Secrets." Kelso scoffed. "Look what I found in Jackie's cheese." He held up a small piece of paper with something on it that Izzy couldn't quite make out. "Some dude's phone number."

Izzy sighed. "Give me that." She took the paper and read it, seeing that it had the name Paul along with a number. "Paul's our sausage guy."

"Izzy Bee!"

"No! Like... he delivers the sausage? To the Cheese Palace?"

Kelso scowled. "Sausage guy... I- I can't take this anymore! I just know it, she's cheating on me again!"

"Kelso, quit jumping to conclusions." Izzy sighed.

Hyde nodded. "And Forman, man, you gotta be cool about this Donna thing, or she's gonna know you're jealous. You can't be all Simon and Garfunkel-"

Izzy gasped. "I love Simon and Garfunkel! Bridge Over Troubled Water is so-"

"Ssh, Izzy, I'm making a point." Hyde covered her mouth with his hand, but drew it back quickly. "Ew! Did you just lick my palm?!"

"That's what you get for badmouthing Simon and Garfunkel."

Hyde chuckled and slung an arm across Izzy's shoulders. "Forman, you gotta get Bruce Springsteeny. Springsteeniant. Springsteenicious." He paused, then looked down at Izzy. "Wait, what are we talking about?"

"Whoa, hey." Eric said, holding up his hands. "I am not jealous. I'm just looking out for her. I mean, Donna's practically a sister to me. A tall, shapely sister. Who I've done it with. About a million times."

"Eric, that's gross." Izzy said. "I'm the one who could have had Donna as a sister. You ruined my chances of having that, you... you male."

"Look, Forman. Maybe Donna and Casey won't even do it tonight. I'd call it... fifty-fifty."

Eric perked up slightly. "You would?"

"Oh, I'd be wrong. But I'd call it that to keep you from doing something stupid."

"Eric, please don't do anything stupid." Izzy said.

"Forman!" Kelso yelled suddenly. "You gotta do something stupid! I mean, sitting around, feeling helpless all day? That isn't healthy! That's why I'm gonna stalk Jackie.

"You know, I really love things with holes." Fez said, looking at the others through the hole of a cheese sample. "Swiss cheese, donuts, inner tubes. I don't know what it is about a hole, it just feels good."

-

Izzy stood in front of Eric's door that evening, knocking thrice before poking her head in. "Eric, can I talk to you for a sec?" She asked. He looked up from where he was rifling through his closet. "What are you doing?"

He turned back to his closet. "Trying to figure out what to wear... I'm gonna go to the Le Motel, I have to."

"Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." Izzy came in slowly, leaning against his desk. "You shouldn't go, Eric."

He didn't even look at her. "I have to, Iz. If Donna's actually over there with Casey, a- and I know she is-"

"Eric do you not realize how creepy that is?" She asked, chuckling slightly. "You don't own Donna. What are you even gonna do anyway? Interrupt their night together, and then what? What's your plan after that? Look, I know you still have feelings for Donna-"

"I don't have feelings for Donna!"

"Then what's the plan?!"

"I don't know!" He paused. "No... no, I do know. Donna needs to realize that Casey is gross and completely wrong for her. So I show up, and I tell her that, and... and then we totally kick Casey out of the room and we do it on his motel bed."

Izzy crossed her arms. "Be serious, Eric."

"I am! When she realizes what Casey's really like, she'll see that I'm the better option, she- she has to-"

"Eric! That's crazy, a- and creepy, and you're being stupid and irrational! Donna isn't gonna see you as her hero or her protector! She's gonna think of you as her sad ex-boyfriend who stalks her because he can't get over her! You're pushing Donna away, Eric!"

Eric stayed quiet for a minute, the cogs moving in his mind. He then nodded, looked down at his shoes, and let out a breath. "You know what, Izzy? You don't get to talk to me about relationships-"

"I don't... get to?"

"You don't get to. What Donna and I had was true love-"

"Oh, and what Steven and I have isn't?"

"It took you years to tell him how you feel, and now that the two of you are together, you don't know how to be alone with each other. You have to be in a group setting. A- And now that you're a couple, you're entirely dependent on him." He paused. "You think we don't notice? When you... when you sit on his lap, a- and you beg him to go to stupid places like the stupid PriceMart Ball with you? You can't handle being alone. With him, or with yourself. So don't you... don't you dare tell me how to act here."

Izzy blinked away tears. "Wow." She offered him a weak smile. "Harsh." She took in a shaky breath. "You can't go to the motel, Eric."

"Yeah? Harsh? Okay, well what about this: you're my twin sister, Izzy. You and I? We think alike. You'd do the same if you knew Hyde was off with some other girl, you'd do the exact same."

Izzy stayed still for a second, then pushed a stack of books off his desk and stormed out of the room. Eric sighed, running a hand over his face, then grabbed a jacket off his floor and headed for his car.

-

Izzy walked into Hyde's room to see him sitting on the ground, his back up against his bed, reading a comic book. "Hey Izzy Bee- whoa." He set his comic down. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head, hastily wiping away tears. "Eric and I got into a stupid fight. He can't go down to the motel to ruin Donna's night and make a fool out of himself, Steven, he just can't."

He sighed and reached up for her hand, gently guiding her to sit on the floor next to him. "Unfortunately, your brother's really good at makin' a fool out of himself. But it's not your responsibility to keep him from that."

"I know. I know, it's just... Donna's my best friend, a- and I don't like Casey for her either, but she has to realize that on her own. He can't take matters into his own hands."

Hyde paused, tracing circles into the small of her back. "Do you... want to?"

She looked up at him, confused. "Want to what?"

"Take matters into our own hands."

She chuckled breathlessly. "What do you mean?"

"I mean..." He shrugged. "The Le Motel's gotta have a fire alarm, right?"

-

That night, after Izzy and Hyde got home, she was sitting on the basement couch next to Fez, watching with amusement as he ate more cheese samples. "You think that's enough cheese, buddy?" She asked, reaching for the sample.

He pulled it away from her, shaking her head. "No no, I like it! The red cheese is chewy."

Hyde chuckled. "The red cheese is wax." Fez stopped, looked down at the sample uncomfortably, and took another bite.

The basement door flew open, and Eric came in, trying to throw his coat off but getting his arm stuck in the sleeve. When he finally managed to get it off his body, he turned around calmly to face the group.

"Oh. Hey, guess what, fellas?" He said. His face was grim, but his voice was light. "Izzy was right! I still have feelings for Donna. Yeah. Deep feelings. Warm feelings. Tingly-in-the-pants feelings." He paused. "And I can't do anything about it... because she has those feelings for someone else."

"I think that admitting that you still love Donna is an important step." Kelso said. "Because it reopens the door for this: Eric loves Donna, Eric loves Donna!" He sang mockingly.

Izzy and Eric stayed quiet while the rest of the boys laughed. "Look, you guys, I don't love her. I just think that... if she's not with me, then the fairest thing for everyone is if she's alone and unhappy."

"That is a bad plan, man!" Kelso said, standing up. "Cause if you leave a chick alone, then the next thing you know, she's lickin' the roof of some other guy's mouth! Like the cheese guy!" He paused. "I hate that guy."

Hyde looked over at Izzy. "Do you lick other guys' mouths?"

"I don't know any other guys."

"Cool."

Fez giggled. "Ah, Kelso, what you are facing is just like a Southern tragedy. Tennessee Williams, but with cheese." He smiled, looking proud of himself. "I'm taking Advanced English."

"Oh man, I gotta go to the mall." Kelso said, checking his watch. "I'm late to stalk Jackie."

Izzy chuckled. "Kinda wish I had work tonight, just to see that."

-

Late that night, Hyde was asleep in his room when Eric came in, turning the light on. "Still sleepin' huh? Gosh, pulling fire alarms all night must wear you out." He kneeled down to Hyde's level and watched as Hyde rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "That's right. I'm onto you, buddy."

"Come on, man, keep your voice down."

"Why? You did a nice thing, and I'm tellin' everybody!"

"I didn't do it to be nice." Hyde whispered. "I did it cause I always wanted to commit a felony. Misdemeanors just ain't the rush they used to be."

Eric smiled. "Well, all I hear is, I love you, I love you, I love you!"

Just then, Izzy sat up, making Eric jump. He didn't see her sleeping next to Hyde, almost completely covered by the Spiderman blanket. "Love you too, Eric," she said sleepily, "now can I please go back to bed? You're really loud."