Chapter Nineteen

No, it wouldn’t happen. Barb’s maternal instincts would be on alert, right? If Mackenzie’s mom had lived, she would have protected her, Mac was positive. Of course, she had been positive that her elementary school principal would save her, and that her father had stopped his visits because he had a wife to do that to, and she’d been wrong about that.

What if he did try it again, with Lily? Tomorrow was the Fourth of July. What if he started on Lily after the dance the way he did with her? He could even be planning on it. Was Barb going to be there? She would never miss it. But what if she had to work? Because Canada didn’t celebrate the same holidays, Mac definitely knew that.

Mackenzie wracked her brain trying to call up the conversations about their travel plans, and Barb’s new job. Did she have to work that day? Or now that she had her boss’s old position, could she skip? No, she was going to meet them later and have time to play with Lily.

Wait. Had her father talked about “special time” with Lily? No, he wouldn’t. That had been his code only the two of them shared. And anyway, Barb would be there … or was she flying to the Cape after work? But since mothers don’t go to the dance, she really didn’t even have to be there until the following day. But Mac felt certain Barb wouldn’t miss Lily’s big first dance at the club.

She thought about Barb telling her that Stan had been “over-protective”. But that had just been her father organizing his abuse, keeping Mac and Barb apart as much as possible when she came to babysit. Even after they married, all Stan did was remind Barb that she was not Mackenzie’s mother and to not get between him and his daughter.

She might have been able to help Mackenzie, if she had known.

Her father was able to drive a wedge between them, but Mac was convinced that Barb, as Lily’s real mom, would make sure Lily was safe. Maybe when the Geeks returned, she and Barb would even have a chance at something like a real mother-daughter relationship.

Mackenzie considered her options. From her trip, what could she do? Call? And say what? Hi Barb. How’re things? By the way, Dad raped me for half a dozen years, so make sure you don’t let him alone with Lily.

Would Barb even believe her? It’s not like Mac had any proof. She thought about leaving, but there was no way she could ride the hundreds of miles home before they left for the Cape. She’d have to fly in order to get there by lunchtime, and she didn’t have the funds to buy last minute airfare to New York. All her money went into the bike and the trip.

So what could she do? Maybe he wouldn’t touch her.

But what if he did?

Why not Lily?

How could she have never thought of that? What was wrong with her? Was she so selfish and self-absorbed with her own escape plan that she didn’t want Lily to get in her way?

It’s our special club, with just two members.

How many times had her father drilled her on that? But why would I believe him?

Of course she’d believe her father. No matter what he did, he had been her only parent. It never occurred to her that Lily was in danger otherwise she never would’ve left her alone with him. She had believed him.

He’d isolated her by calling it their club. He made her dependent on him. If they were the only two members, no one else would, or could understand, right? Mac just assumed he’d never do that with…no, to anyone else.

But now she did wonder, would he? Mackenzie gasped aloud when a horrific thought popped into her mind.

Why wait until the dance?

Just because that was her first time, that doesn’t mean it would happen that way again. What if he’d already started on Lily? Mackenzie felt a horrible lurching in her stomach. After everything she’d been through, knowing what a monster he was, if she had left Lily and he was already going to her in the night, how would she ever forgive herself?

No. He wouldn’t have. She couldn’t believe that she would’ve been so blind to it.

But you were, weren’t you?

Because Mackenzie suddenly saw it all in her mind. There was no ignoring this. She had to face it. It wasn’t just about herself.

She could see Lily, so tiny, all curled up in Mac’s big bed. Was she there to escape their father? She could see Lily around Stan, always appeasing him, trying to please him, to agree with him.

And she could hear Lily, unaware of what she was asking, begging over and over, to be just like Mackenzie. Mac remembered the night Lily had slammed the door on her.

Mac had told her, “Repeat after me: I have it good. I don’t want to be like Kenzie. I have it way better.” And what had Lily answered?

“You don’t know anything!”

Mac knew one thing. Lily could keep a secret. The only five-year-old who knew how to do that was one who had been forced to.

Mackenzie had been looking forward to this trip, saving to buy her bike for years. Over a third of her life, all she could think about was escaping, flying away on a real bike.

No, she admitted, not flying. Fleeing. She was the only one who could stop him. She’s the only one who knew. Running from him and what he’d done wasn’t going to help rescue anyone. Not herself, and definitely not Lily.