ow that the adrenaline has begun to wear off, Jordan looks pale. He's standing by the window in my bedroom, shrouded in darkness, but the tiniest sliver of moonlight pools in through the shutters, feathering his face in a gentle sheen.

The last boy to enter my room was Ryan, and even that feels like forever ago. My room has always been personal, meant just for me, and now Jordan is here and I suddenly feel vulnerable. Exposed.

It's a feeling I'm not used to, and I have to turn away. There's this build-up in my chest, a pressure that fills up my lungs and makes my eyes prickle with tears. I have no idea why I'm so upset, but I can't seem to help it.

"We should try and get some sleep," I say, but neither of us moves. My voice feels thick, and I've never been so grateful for the dark.

Silence stretches between us. Despite the change of clothes, I'm still cold – so cold that the room would be completely still, silent if it weren't for the chattering of my teeth. I rub at my shoulders in a bid to stay warm, then let out a hiss as I brush something sore near my neck.

"What's wrong?" Jordan takes a step forward then stops, like he's afraid to get too close. His eyes drop to the arm I'm holding, but it's too dark to see. "Are you hurt?"

"It's nothing," I say. "Something hit me outside. Probably just a scratch."

If I could see his face right now, I imagine his eyebrows would be furrowed, his forehead lined with concern. He reaches into his pocket and gets out his phone, turning on the flashlight. He rests it on the table beside us, face up, illuminating a fraction of my bedroom in light.

"Let me see," he says. He doesn't wait for a response, he closes the distance between us and gently pulls me closer, inspecting me like he's a doctor. His thumb gently brushes the cut on my neck, making me shiver again. "It's a surface cut. You'll be fine."

I nod because it's about all I can do right now, but he doesn't drop his hand. Instead, he moves his fingers down the length of my arm, to my waist, where he gently pulls me toward him. My body is resistant, refusing to budge, because there's a part of me that's still mad at him.

"Evvy." His voice is low, almost inaudible. When it's clear I won't move, he steps forward an inch, closing the hair's breadth between us. His other hand cups the back of my head as he leans in closer, resting his forehead on mine. "I'm sorry."

The lump in my throat grows bigger. I've been fighting back tears, but now a single teardrop rolls down my cheek. I pretend it's not there and say, "For what? Saving a dog? I don't know if you know this, but that kind of makes you the good guy." I expect him to smile, but this time he's not letting me out of this conversation with another sarcastic joke.

Gently, he wipes away my tear with his thumb. "For scaring you."

His breath near my face makes me shiver. It feels like he can see straight through me. "I wasn't scared."

He pulls back slightly, frowning. "You don't need to pretend with me."

There's a split second where I look at him, and I wonder what it would feel like to be honest. To put myself out there and open up to Jordan the way I sometimes did with Ryan. But look how that turned out. Ryan had been perfectly happy to leave me, the way everyone keeps leaving.

The way Jordan is leaving, too.

Yet there's another part refusing to be silenced again. A part that's grown tired of fighting. Maybe I'm right and when Jordan goes home, I'll never hear from him again. Or maybe we'll try our very best but things won't work out, even though we want them to. Maybe I'll fall madly, irrevocably in love and I'll get my heartbroken.

But maybe I won't.

"I know," I say. My hands are shaking. I want to put it down to being cold, but the nervousness filling my chest says otherwise. "That's the problem." He frowns but doesn't say anything, so nervously, I push on. "You asked me what I'm afraid of, and it's this. Liking you." I pause, then, "Losing you."

The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. There's a second of silence where I wish I could claw back the words with my hands. Once, when Lina and I were fourteen, we read an article that said insecurities are best kept to one's self, and now here I am, unloading them on Jordan in the worst way possible.

Half of me expects him to run for the hills, but he doesn't. He takes my face in both of his hands, searching my face with a matter of urgency. "Do you trust me?"

I hesitate. Trusting someone has never come easily, especially since Ryan let me down, but despite my efforts, my resolve, I realize I do trust him. "Yes."

His eyes darken. "Here's what's going to happen," he says. His voice is low, warm, sending currents through my skin. "In about five seconds, I'm going to kiss you, and I'm not going to stop. If that's not what you want–"

But I don't get to hear the rest, because I'm pressing my mouth against his. He reacts almost instantly, drawing me into his chest while his other hand threads my hair. His mouth explores mine, his touch sending jolts through my skin. The times I've kissed Jordan has always felt electric, but right now there's than just sparks, there's a heat so consuming, I've almost forgotten how to breathe.

Slowly, I lift up his t-shirt and peel it off, throwing it aside. I'm always surprised by how perfect he looks, as though he's been carved from stone. I run my hand along each muscle and feel him shudder beneath me.

The warmth between my thighs is off the charts, but it's more than just physical attraction now. There is something vulnerable about this, as though I'm offering him a piece of me and he's doing the same in return. His hands find the end of my t-shirt, and gently, he lifts it up, exposing my thighs and stomach. He lifts it over my head, tossing it aside as his eyes take me in. He's no doubt seen countless girls in this state of undress, but he still looks at me like I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen.

His mouth is on mine again. I sink against him, my skin warm and tingly in the wake of his touch, desperate for more. In one quick move, he unclips my bra and the straps give way, falling either side of my shoulders. I discard it quickly, tossing it onto the floor with the rest of our clothes. There's a brief moment of panic at being so exposed, but it dissipates as soon as his mouth is back on mine.

His fingers brush across my cleavage, caressing gently. I run my hands along his back, feeling the way his muscles arch like wings beneath my touch. His neck muscles tense, and he grabs the back of my thighs and lifts me off the floor, wrapping my legs around his waist. He walks me back until we've over by the bed, where he lies me down before moving on top of me.

My hands grab his neck, pulling him in, demanding more. He kisses me again, softer this time, then pulls back slightly. Suddenly the space between us is cold. I pull him back by the strings on his sweatpants, and his eyes turn hooded. They flit to mine, warm, hesitant, waiting for permission.

I nod briefly, and that's all he needs. He rests his hand beside my face, wrapping his fingers in my hair. Gently, he slides his other hand up my stomach, cupping me in his hands. My fingers scramble to untie the strings on his sweatpants, my heart racing like never before.

Outside, the weather has taken a turn for the worse. The shutters are battering the windows like crazy as thunder rumbles through the quiet, but it's as if he hasn't noticed – he's too focused on me.

Slowly, he takes off his sweatpants and moves back on top of me, brushing the hair from my face. I've never had anyone look at me the way he's looking at me. My heart swells, and I pull him toward me, needing him closer. He happily obliges, kissing the side of my neck at the same time he pulls down my underwear. My legs fold around him, drawing him in, and he pulls back a little to look at me.

In a low voice, he says, "Are you sure?" and I know he doesn't mean this; he means us.

"I'm sure."

His eyes burn bright, and suddenly he's leaning over me, kissing me, and I feel him everywhere, stealing the breath from my lungs. Thunder rumbles out again, but the world outside fades away. I wrap my arms around his neck, eyes closed, and lose myself in him.

❤️