{First punished November 2015}

{Edited 6-14-2016}

"Avery. Are you listening to me?" Miss Theresa asks me in a placid tone.

I nod while my eyes are locked onto the forest beyond the floor to ceiling window behind her desk. What I wouldn't give to be able to go there. Be able to smell the woods. The soft dark soil, the trees. To have the wind fluter across my face.

"How do you feel about leaving the Institute?"

I half to clear my throat. I don't speak much.

"Fine." My voice comes out eerily calm. I've learned the word fine works in a lot of ways.

How are you doing? Fine.

How was your day? Fine.

I could go on and on, but Miss Theresa pulls me back from my thoughts.

She lets out a frustrated sigh. She's been working on tiring to get me to show a spark of emotion, any emotion, for the past year, but hasn't succeeded.

I turn to look at her and take notice of the light red ethereal ribbons floating around and through her body. No matter how hard I try, when emotions flare up with a great amount of strength, I get to see it. But it doesn't last long, a couple of seconds at best, unless the emotion is so strong the person feeling them can't even get a grip on it. Then the ribbons float around for awhile.

I snap my eyes close and breath in deep. I hate seeing them, but at least I no longer half to feel what I see. Hearing the tip-tap of a pen I open my eyes and look into Miss Theresa muddy brown ones. She put on to much mascara. Her lashes are clumped with it, I can't help but see it.

She's giving me that look, the one that says I'll wait for a better response from you. She should know by now that I always win are stare offs. No one likes to look into my ice blue eyes for long.

"Alright Avery." She lets out a pint up breath. The ribbons going crazy. "So you'll be moving to live with your Uncle in West End. Do you have any concerns about that?"

We've been having this same discussion for a couple of weeks now, since we found out I'm getting released. It's the same every time. Why she keeps bringing it up is beyond me.

"No." Simple.

Another sigh passes from her cherry red lips, "What about your friends. Wouldn't you like to see them before you leave?"

"No."

"And why is that Avery?"

" I'm not the same girl any more."

I'm coping and that's what matters. And it's not like any of my friends wanted to see me, other than Julie. She stuck with me for a year before she finally gave up. Which I don't blame her. Hell. Evan, my boyfriend never showed up. Not once.

I heard from Julie his lame excuses and break-up speech. Like I said before I'm different in more ways than one. That bubbly cheerleader I use to be is gone. Last time Julie came to visit me, she yelled and voiced her feelings loud and clear. She finished her rant with an " I miss you A and love you, but I can't do this anymore. I know what happened was horribly wrong in so many ways. It's like your not even here. Hell your probably not even listening to me now. Let me know when my best friend comes back okay girl." She left with a whispered I love you. I haven't seen or heard from her since. She was wrong though. I heard everything she said. I just didn't feel.

"Avery. Where did you go just now?"

"No where." I whisper out.

That's it with her questions. The ribbons are a whirlwind of light red and pale blue. I've pushed her limits for today. I'm always seeming to push them.

"Alright. You know I want you to see therapist in West End and there's also a therapy group that deals with situations like yours. It'll be good for you. I wish you the best of luck." She gives me that fake smile of hers and nods toward the dark wooden door.

I get up from the black hard back chair and leave the red and black office behind me. It reminds me of the red queen from alice and wonderland.

There's an orderly in green scrubs waiting for me in the hall. He leads the way down the all white hallway to another locked door. That leads to a small area with a nurse's desk. And two more locked doors beyond that. We go through and the pink dressed nurse marks me off her list as I get handed off to another orderly in green scrubs waiting outside of the door off to the right. The other door leads out to the main waiting area.. A lot of locked doors and check in stations. And always guards. They like to call themselves orderly but they're guards. You can't go any where with out one.

When we get my door he unlocks it and I go in. It's a small room with a twin size bed and a tiny dresser. The rooms done up in pale yellows, pinks,blues,and purples. They're all about happy colors here.

I look around and decided to leave the paintings and drawings I've accumulated over the years. They have no value to me and the only clothes I have are the standard issued yellow jump suits. Which I don't want either. I turn and look at the guard in his beady eyes, "I'm ready."

A shudder runs through him as he nods his head, green ribbons flare up around his head as he takes off back towards the way we came with me treading behind him. My eyes watching the pale green ribbons floating about him. He's afraid of me.

They don't like me much. The guards and nurses. I've heard them talk, the pretty girl with the blank face, vacant eyes, and calm scratchy voice. They're afraid of me and try to avoid me at all costs. It's just about impossible to do in this place.

We enter the same small waiting area with the same pink nurse. She has me sign out and my guard leads me to the left door. A door I haven't passed through since I was admitted into Green Bier.

The main waiting room is spacious. Done up in warm browns. The whole left wall is a huge window, making the room seem more welcoming. My eye scan over the many couches and chairs. There's only one man seated in a wing back light brown chair. He's built like lumber jack wide board shoulders, tall, a head of sand brown hair, smartly dressed in a suit. I'm sure was professionally tailored to fit his girth.

I move further into the room. Letting my feet drag, they make a soft scuff sound on the white marble floor bringing his attention away from his papers. His head snaps up. Ice blue eyes take me in from head to toe. Eyes like mine. Eyes like dad's. This must be Jeff.

He jumps up. His longer strides covering the distance between us quickly. His arm's swing open. He going to hug me. A man I haven't seen since I was five. A man I don't even know. He's going to touch me. I flinch back away from him. My back hitting the hunter green wall. He stops up short. Arms falling to his side. We lock eyes. Ice blue to ice blue. Ribbons appear out of the corner of my eye. They reflect the emotions turing in his gaze. Sad. Disappointed. The ribbons disappear within seconds. The fastest I've seen yet.

"Sorry Avery." His voice comes out soft but has a commanding edge to it. "I'm Jeff. Just in case you didn't realize." A sigh escapes him, "And sorry about.." His hands wave toward me,"Just sorry. I was told the rules and it just slipped my mind for a second."

I give a small nod in return. He stares a little longer then goes back towards his seat.

I let out a pint up breath and move further into the room. I don't like being touched. Don't want it. The staff learned the hard way. I was least likely to have an out burst if I wasn't touched. Skin to skin contact made emotions so much stronger and I can't block them. That was one of the rules he mentioned. Closed in places is also a trigger. Four walls no Windows tended to cause problems. But that ones nothing new.

"No bags." Jeff's voice filters to my ears. My gaze leaves the windows, swinging towards him. He's looking at my guard with steel in his gaze.

"Err...No sir." The guard stutters out. The ribbons darking in hue, moving faster. Jeff's face turns hard matching his eyes and he gives the guard a nod. Dismissing him.

"Here." He voice has a softer lit to it as he stretches out is arm in my direction. A pink duffle hangs from his massive hand.

I move in closer. Grabbing the bag from the bottom rather than the straps in his hand. And wait.

"It's a change of clothes." Eyeing my yellow jump suit."Go change, while I finish out the paper work."

He takes his seat. Pen to paper. My eyes roam around the room until I spot the restroom.

A click rings out in the small room as I lock the door. I turn and freeze. A mirror rests above the sink.

The girl in the mirror looks back at me with dead eyes. Eyes that use to be bright and happy. I move closer. She's thinner, but taller. Dull black hair hangs to her waist. No longer bouncy. Dark circles under dead eyes. Cheek bones are sharp and pronounced. I look like carp. I no longer look like the girl in my memory. The smiles and hint of mischief is gone. I shrug my shoulders at my reflection not caring.

Setting the duffle on the sink I start to pull out stuff. Sports bra, panties, and socks get laid out first. I unzip my jump suit. Chucking it in the trash can. Once simi covered I slip on the white tank and purple yoga pants. Both hangs off my skeleton frame. I grasp the shoes from the bag. My head tilts a little. The clothes are new but not the shoes. My pink and brown DC hang from my hand. He must have packed up my stuff from home. I slip them on and grasp the last thing from the bag. Another thing from home. I slip on my black and purple hoodie. Grab the bag and leave the restroom.

Jeff's standing by the wall of windows. Gaze turned out towards the small flower garden.

"You look better."A small smile graces his lips. I return it with my own. It's fake. I know it and so does he from the look in his eyes.

He nods towards the big metal double doors and starts walking. His feet not making a sound while mine seems to pound on the white marble floor.

Outside. Another first for me in two years. I was deemed a flight risk. Never aloud out side. Always looking through a window. I half to shield my eyes going down the many cement steps. The air is fresh and seems to soothe my throat.

"It's all the rental place had."Jeff snaps out as he stops by a small red compact car. I look to him. Back to the car. Light red ribbons come and go . It must be an uncomfortable fit. He's huge, well over six something.

I slip into the car easily. While Jeff mutters under his breath. All scrunched up.

Several minutes come and go before his soft commanding voice rings through the silent car.

"Shelly's sorry she couldn't be here."

My eyes stay glued to the window. Watching houses and buildings go by as we wind through the hills.

"You'll like it in West End"

West End sounds quite fitting for a girl like me.

"It's around a five and a half hour flight. Followed by another two hour drive. It's a charming little town"

Out of the corner of my eye light red ribbons appear and disappear in seconds.

"They told me. The doctors said to carry on a conversation with you as much as possible. It's suppose to help you."

Dark red and light blues are snapping in and out. So fast they don't have time to do that floating fluttering thing that the ribbons normally do.

A deep grunt pushes out past Jeff's lips,"Come on rainbow girl. Talk to me."

Two simple little words send my year and a half blocking to a crashing halt. I grasp out as emotions start wrecking a havoc on my body. Gut wrenching grief. Hollow loneliness. Heart breaking sadness. The cat shire grin happiness. Love. All consuming love that a daughter could have for a father. Finally deep bone crushing anger.

My head snaps around, a pop sound coming from my neck. My breathing fast and deep. "DO. NOT. CALL. ME. THAT." My voice is full of deadly rage. My eyes start to leak and my body trembles like a small earth quake.

For one and a half years I have felt nothing. Nothing. Two small words. Destroyed it.

I turn back towards the passenger side window, but not before I notice surprise and relief flash across Jeff's face.

I shut my eyes. Take in deep full breaths and start counting backwards from twenty. I slowly start to restore my titanium steel wall, that holds everything back. My fists start to unclench and my breathing is becoming normal again. I go back to watching out the window and just now realizing Jeff pulled over.

I keep my gaze turned out. Finally the car starts and moves back onto the road. The idle chit chat is over. What do you do when someone who shows no sigh of an emotion, finally does? He does nothing.

My void is back. Everything is how it should be.

Rainbow Girl. The nickname my dad calls me. I wonder if he knew about the colored ribbons.