The outer most gates of the monastery rose before him. For an allegedly holy place the monastery was fortified in to the mountain like a castle meant to last through a violent siege. Tornas and another young monk walked along side the wagon with their supplies driven by the third and much senior monk.

"I can't believe we are actually getting out." Jacob whispered to Tornas as they walked beside the wagon.

"We're not out yet." He whispered back.

"There will be so much we can actually learn once we are away from here." Jacob whispered excitedly.

"Jacob keep your voice down. Leaving those gates is just the first step and we are not even out yet." Tornas said. He felt tense sweat on his neck and kept looking around them and fidgeting with his staff

"We're getting out of here Tor." Jacob mouthed and looked at him earnestly.

"Halt!" Came the terrifying and familiar voice from behind them.

Tornas and Jacob stopped as the elder monk pulled up the wagon.

"Boys" the abbot hissed. Regarding the two fourteen year olds before him "I believe I've made an error in sending you two together.” Tornas and Jacob were both stalk still in the silence. “If I let you both go, I fear you will surely be seduced by the world and you will not wish to return to us. No it was my mistake you are too close so that together you are weaker not stronger." The abbott said.

Tor stealthily reached for his best friend's hand.

"No, no it won't due to have you both go. So only one of you will be able to leave today to spread the word of our goddess." The Abbott said.

Tornas could feel Jacob shaking next to him.

"Brother Tornas,” The Abbot steepled his hands together and cast his gaze on him “You will go. And when you return it will be brother Jacob's turn.” he smiled his sinister grin and gestured with his hands. “May our goddess watch over you as you leave these walls and bring you back with more to enter into her devotion."

Tornas froze. He held Jacob's hand tighter.

"Of course if you don't want to go without brother Jacob you could always both stay." The Abbot offered.

Terror clenched Tornas' heart.

"No," Jacob's voice cracked like a whip, slicing through Tor's terrified paralysis.

"You should go brother Tornas, I'll stay. I'll see you when you return." Jacob gave Tor's hand a final squeeze and went to stand by the abbot.

The abbot wrapped his bony fingers around the boy's thin shoulders. Jacob winced.

"Yes, we will see you when you return brother." The Abbot hissed.

Tornas woke up breathing heavily and soaked in sweat in his hammock. He stood up quickly to feel the cold boards of the floor beneath his feet. A chill ran through him. He needed to get above deck. The air felt freezing on his sweat wet skin but he was too distracted by his own thoughts to feel it.

Tornas walked to the railing and panted the night air.

"Tor, are you alright son?"

Tornas jumped and struck out with clenched fist.

Sezjeck dodged as Tornas punched blindly out again.

"Tornas, stop this" Sezjeck commanded.

This time Tor's fist connected with his jaw.

"Enough" Sezjeck said. Moving quickly behind Tor crossing the monk's arms and pinning them with his own before dropping to the deck.

"Steady now, just breath son." Sezjeck said low in his ear.

Tor was sobbing in his arms. Sezjeck continued to hold him as heaving sobs wracked his body.

"I left him, I left him behind. He was my best friend my only friend and I left him." Tor sobbed.

"What happened to you was not your fault" Sezjeck assured him not for the first time.

"But I knew, I knew what I was leaving him to and I left him behind" Tor insisted.

"You were a child." Sezjeck consoled.

"I'm a selfish and a coward." Tornas said.

"You were a child." Sezjeck repeated. He let go of Tornas' wrists and wrapped his arms around him.

"Why can't I just forget it all? Why is it always right there?" Tor sobbed.

"You're safe now." Sezjeck said

"I'm just as broken as everyone says I am." Tornas said.

"You're not, and you have a chance to fix it" Sezjeck said releasing him.

"What with this?" Tor asked taking the stone from his pocket and abruptly standing. "Johanna's didn't do anything.The village still burned her forest is still being destroyed. It was for nothing! Drukie probably threw his out and tore down the tower himself. Why did we trust her? Why should I trust her when she never once told us the whole truth, and always disappeared when things got rough" Tor paced the deck.

"Tornas." Sezjeck spoke his name trying to calm him.

"Who am I kidding that I could go back. I don't go back I leave thats what I do I'm a coward." He paced and spoke faster

"Tor" Sezjeck said.

"I should have stayed, I could have stayed. Back at the monastery, either time with Johanna. I should have stayed with her I could have stayed with her. She was the only good thing and I left. I--"

"Son." Sezjeck cut him off

Tornas pulled up short and stared at him wild eyed.

"Son, what are five things you can see right now" Sezjeck asked in a cool and even voice.

"I can't see shit its dark." Tornas spat.

"Five things" Sezjeck repeated.

"I see the ocean!" Tor shouted, Sezjeck looked to him, steadily.

"I see the ocean, I see the mast, the sails, the moon, and the western star." He completed.

"Four things you can feel" Sezjeck prompted in his steady tone.

"Sezj" Tor began, annoyed.

"Tornas" Sezjeck insisted.

"I feel the rocking of the ship, my sweat on my skin, the boards beneath my feet, my breath in my lungs." At each item he slowed just a little bit down.

"Three things you hear" Sezjeck prompted.

"The water, the creaking of the ship, your breathing." Tor could feel his heart slow its racing.

"Two things you smell." Sezjeck prompted again.

"The sea, my sweat" Tor said and blew out a breath.

"One thing you taste" Sezjeck said

"The salt in the air" Tornas took a deep breath and looked up at the first mate.

"Tornas." Sezjeck said with sympathy and no pity.

"Sezjeck I, I'm sorry I--" Tor looked down ashamed.

"Don't apologize." Sezjeck responded.

"Thank you," Tor said, meeting his eye again.

"It's nothing, you're welcome" he replied.

They regarded each other.

"Go and relieve the watch, they will be happy to have their bunks early." Sezjeck Instructed

"Yes sir" Tornas turned to go.

"And Tornas" Sezjeck stopped him

"Yes sir?" He asked

"You are not a coward"Sezjeck told him.

Tornas nodded and went to do as he had been told.