“You okay?”

After much deliberation, I decided to approach and speak directly to this girl... Whereupon she then rose from her slumber, replying to me with a smile.

“Shouldn't you be pushing yourself that much?”

“Don’t worry... I was simply just attracting the attention of the other elders by showing myself to be far more useful than any other great carriers. That way they can trust us to work together to bring Edward down.”

“If that's the case, I'd better come along at least for…”

“Your power will only hurt you every time you use it. Isn't that the point of our problem?”

“You who work too much is also a major problem for me, Ellie.”

Again she just smiled in return…

“This’s nothing, Niel… This is nothing yet, compared to the cursed pain that I once touched from your shoulder.”

Aren't those words... Feel like I'm just listening to myself?

~~~~~

Maybe the dumbest thing I could have done today was to give up too soon in persuading Ellie not to push herself too hard…

I, who had been silent all this time from my seat listening to the explanation of the task, still remained silent with one more sentence from the girl before she left.

“You will travel around Indonesia with all the vehicles that have been prepared, because I have a different task from you guys. So then... See you later.”

Ellie suddenly disappeared from this place…

Fuck…

Doesn't this girl realize that her own plans won't save herself?

from all of her suffering…?

Suffering...

Ellie… What the fuck are you doing…

~~~~~

“Daniel, can you please not be too flashy?”

“Eh? What the fuck?”

Even though I was just leaning against the door frame of a class at a high school somewhere in Indonesia, thinking alone about things that were important enough for me to think about, suddenly Sion came to tell me something that was impossible for me to understand. “What again, Sion?”

“The student girls in each room several times turned their attention to you, while conversing with the other girls. They can’t concentrate on what we want to convey at all if you keep trying to act cool.”

“Yo… What the actual fuck, bro? I thought you were complimenting my face... But why are you insulting me instead?!”

“Well, when it comes to face, Frans is more handsome than you... Before me…”

“Maybe you mean ‘after you’ Sion. but well… Just keep going, bro.”

This guy looked confused with my words, then whispered alone as the two hands he had moved to and fro to explain the logic to himself.

Looks like he gave up and changed the subject instead.

“But the problem of being handsome and cool is similar to being pretty and cute. And don’t you think that nowadays high school girls are just losing their appetite for being more attracted to cool guys? As it bothers our own team to get their attention into our explanation… So I beg you, Daniel. Just get in the troop car already…”

“The perspective of who is more handsome between us, can only be judged by the girls themselves. Well, unless you're a... Gay, I'll understand. But no, my friend... I've collected a lot of cool ideas so that these kids are interested in my discussion later on the history of the founding of Sins Taker. Fuck you by the way…”

“You left me no other choice but to tell Evelin about this!”

“Then tell her!”

After all, I really want to see her face...

Or maybe I'd better change my mind after seeing Sion who was now half way through to call Ellie using a special communication device for our team. Ugh…

I have a bad feeling about this…

Yep, I better just obey him…

“Okay, mate, calm down. Don't act too recklessly. I'm leaving, so stop what you're doing… You hear me? Look, I’m going to the car…”

~~~~~

Though of all the missions I've been on, maybe this is indeed the one that I like the most… My job now changed to keeping and guarding all the troop equipment in the car…

I mean, temporarily…

Started from a friendly offer from Sion, one day out of many ordinary days, now it's become something I always do every day.

No one complained, no one objected. I just slept all the time, waiting for the scheduled lunch to arrive. It can be said that I am such a hybrid type of person. I can get used to being in a crowd if I have to, but I can also get used to staying in a tight place without feeling bored… Well, at least as long as there's a window there where I can look outside... And it would be even better if the glass is a one way glass type.

By the way, we have completely colonized all high schools, both public and private. So now’s the time to step on the heads of the students in every university in Indonesia.

Since people in this university-type environment are much more mature, Sion finally allowed me to get out of this super cool car and make presentations in every class, like how we should have been working these past few days.

Well… I don't want to refuse although I don't mind not being offered such an offer either. So I just followed his words…

~~~~~

Novita's hair is no longer as short as the first time I saw her. For some reason, Sion still seems to be growing taller and even taller though we have only been together for four months.

Every morning I see Jogi shaving his mustache and beard, while Frans's voice has been getting heavier as his way of speaking is much more interesting to listen to even for hours on end… I also wanted to describe how Ellie had changed up until now.

But maybe there really isn't the slightest thing that has changed, since she's an immortal being just like me. I'm actually more curious about myself... Has anything changed about these things that I can't see?

“Daniel… It’s your turn…”

Jogi's voice, who had finished with his part and handed over the rest of the explanation for me to use as a topic of conversation to all in the class at a university in Indonesia, brought me out of all my thoughts on how we all have grown with each other.

But still… I enjoyed all these missions until one point where we finally arrived at this one university in the city of Guinaian…

Right…

This is the campus where Fanya and Deo are located…

“I'll be back in charge of keeping things in the car. You guys do the presentation as usual, okay?”

“Why all of a sudden?”

“Nothing special, Novita... I just wanted to be alone for a little while. Just for this campus only, okay? After we finish from this place I will return to work with you guys.”

They all saw me, who slowly closed the car window, out of sight. After confirming that they had walked away from this large vehicle, I then relaxed while muttering a hymn.

I haven't spoken to Fanya in quite a while and Deo has not informed me anything about the results of his midterm exam. I don't know if it's fear or reluctance, but I really don't want them to see my face, especially with the uniform that I am currently wearing.

I don't know why, but I don't really like it when they find out that I'm a member of the Sins Taker organization. That they might even get into trouble with what they know about me.

So this is indeed the best choice out of any…

After all, I still have something I have to always think about...

Like until this very moment I still think about many things that even myself do not know where to start. I thought Ellie would help me to sort out some of the problems, but she herself has gotten me into a new personal one.

What's the point of me not sacrificing myself if it's her who sacrifices herself instead?

Well, she didn't, literally... But with her who working too hard, until we haven't seen each other for days, it feels just the same...

Wait… Am I being too girly?

Okay, maybe it's better if we also have other plans each that don't involve Ellie herself. I have to solve my own problems, which I can still solve alone…

Then I return to the original topic... As the reason why I decided to hide in this car.

Fuck, in the end I was just running away from the problem, that then returned straight to the first place! It means right now I have to immediately make up with Fanya no matter what...

So I decided to take a step forward, opened the door of this troop car and then jumped out. Which is where right in front of me I found a girl that I was just intending to find…

“Fanya?”

~~~~~

“So that's how it is?”

“Yes…” I confirmed all of my explanations about The Sins Taker uniform that I was wearing with a nod. I told her that all this time I had worked as one, but didn't divulge anything about me who wasn't just an ordinary carrier.

“I see…”

Such a short answer, a sign of discomfort…

Silent in an empty campus hallway, the two of us leaned against one wall, staring at the reflection of our own faces in such a dark classroom window…

It seems that Fanya's height hasn't grown much after several months have passed…

It’s from my own data on the growth of each person's height… My habit of remembering unimportant things, which is as weird as many other silly habits I also have…

But… We've probably been friends for quite some time now, right?

I guess that’s ten years…?

I forgot which of Deo and Fanya was the first to become my friend, tho…

Remembering about the two of them…

Usually Fanya is the one who gets angry the most in everything.

Deo’s the gloomy boy and I am the one who likes to joke the most.

Or maybe Fanya isn't really that kind of an angry person… But the person who has the most difficulty accepting jokes…? Of mine, to be clear.

Every time I was scolded by Fanya or even quarreled with each other, usually we would immediately make up the next day.

Oftentimes, Fanya is the only one asking me to make up with her... Or is it all the time?

God… Have I really become this forgetful?

“Are you fine?”

That very familiar voice suddenly woke me up from my own thoughts.

“What?”

“Any wounds?”

“Oh… Me? No, I’m not hurt at all… No wounds.”

“Okay then.”

Still with that flat face, this girl then slowly walked away from me... But of course not that easy. So I called her name again.

“Sorry that I didn't tell you anything about all of this earlier.”

She said nothing in response…

So I asked, “Then how are you doing?”

“Me? I'm fine... Just fine. Apart from these few days the streets were closed because there was a battle between groups of stupid people to the point of dropping lives, also a murder case right in front of the boarding gate? Yes, everything is fine…”

Ah fuck… Her eyes are about to cry while still looking directly at my face…

The only Fanya that I know, is a person with emotions that don't even affect her own tears at any of the troubles.

This girl’s strong, but it was obvious that she was on the edge of her own limit.

“Of course I don't have the right to say this, nor do I know how to make you believe, but…” At first, I just wanted to try to ease her worries… I want to be on her side.

“I won't die, Fanya. I have to do something for you and Deo, and it won't last too long. Everything will be back to normal as before. Everything will be fine, so I beg you, Fanya.” But for some reason, I chose words that were more like someone who didn't want to be blamed.

I became childish…

“No, just go home, Daniel… Please…” As in the end, it was Fanya who relented and immediately expressed her main desire for the thing I had to do right at this very moment.

And now she really is crying.

“I’m sorry, but I…”

“And why didn't you tell me that Saskia was dead?”

Shit…

She finally found out about that one…

“I just don't want… The way you all behave, to change towards me… You know? I just really hate to be pitied.”

“But this way I feel even more hurt! You stupid fuck, selfish Daniel!”

What?

Why?!

“Maybe you won't understand this, but I was feeling very guilty. Unreliable-”

“Well, that's exactly what I don't like about someone who pity me! it's because you really don't need to feel that way!”

“That's not how friendships work, you idiot. Say Daniel… You don't think of me as anyone, do you? All these years you still see me as an insignificant stranger to yourself, right?”

“Are you being serious right now? Because that just sounds stupid.”

“Or are you still not aware of it until today?”

“No, you don't understand at all, Fanya. You don't understand about what I think you and Deo are in my life. I was just trying to protect you both…”

“Well, you don’t need to! I don’t need that. It's not about your efforts to protect, but your time that you've wasted on something you can't even control… That’s death. All the efforts of each and every one of us will end in vain if you are too far for me to reach. You're never here! Actually just why... Did you have to go?”

She still doesn't understand anything…

Alright…

That’s it…

I’m done…

“So what do you want me to do!? Just stay here until we all die sooner than anyone ever thought!? I tried my best to protect you all, don't you get that!? What do you want me to do, Fanya!? But just want you to know, that I don't want to be stupidly waiting here for death to come for all of you without myself trying to prevent it! Why am I the one in the wrong here, after all!?”

“Because you hope too much to find heaven.”

Huh?

Maybe for Fanya, this silence of mine was enough to prove that I didn't actually understand what she meant by that heaven…

So she decided to explain everything.

“I've been thinking a lot about why you are like this, Daniel… Deo once told me that you hate congratulations and grieving... State of happiness and suffering. It's because you don't want the two to always come alternately and side by side in this such a world, this world which is not heaven at all. You're expecting too much to protect something absolutely from anything and you should know that it's impossible! You can't solve every problem, daniel... Humans were not made for that…”

“So you want me to give up?”

“I want you not to fight for the impossible, and accept all the feelings in this world without exception... Otherwise, when you feel lost, then you will suffer even more…”

“I…” I can't take what she's saying…

Because it's not something that I need…

And yet, I don't know how to deny it…

“Come back home with me and let's go through all of this as best as we can… That way you and I will no longer have to suffer… You said you did this all for us, didn't you? So I beg you to take my word for it… Daniel... Please…”

Why did it suddenly turn out like this?

Why don't I want to give up?

Why does Fanya's words feel right and wrong at the same time? What should I do?

How far have I gone already?

How close am I to the goal?

Ellie had worked her way up to where she was now…

What's all that for?

I'm not wrong, am I?

My choice is right, even from the start…

But my head… It hurts so much…

“Niel?”

This voice…

Ellie?

“Oh, and... Fanya? You must be Fanya, right? Nice to meet you! My name’s Evelina... I am Niel’s... Uh... well… Friend…?”

Ellie, who walked past me in order to get closer and get to know Fanya, didn't get any response from her at all... She just stood there with wide eyes, looking at Ellie right in front of her. Then she started crying again…

“I see…”

Turning to look at me for a moment, Fanya then ran away from us who was silent, feeling guilty here at the same time…

“Sorry... Did I have…”

“Sorry, Ellie. I'm feeling sick. Please leave me alone for a while…”

“But…”

“Ellie.”

Forcing this girl to close her own mouth, I walked slowly while maintaining my balance…

I don't know where I'm currently going, I don't know anything at all.

I just keep walking…

Fuck…

I want to die…

~~~~~