Ignoring the first three knocks on the door had been easy as I sat at the laughably small table placed in the center of the literal closet of a room I called my own aboard the famed Enterprise. Since this space had actually been converted into a ridiculously small-sized living space from a supply closet, most people were confused when they couldn’t simply get in to grab whatever essential item they needed. Why they knocked I wasn’t entirely sure — if it was a closet that was now locked, who or what would be inside to open it?

Regardless of people’s perceptions or thoughts, after the first knocks and no response they usually went on their way to find another unlocked supply closet. Tonight, of all nights, I would have no such luck. Because the person outside my door kept knocking. And knocking. And knocking.

And that would’ve been fine if this had actually been a locked, unoccupied supply closet. But no, this was my only private space aboard this ship that had proven to be more of a claustrophobic curse than a brilliant opportunity in the past weeks.

It was the only place where I felt like I could let loose my tears of frustration, or punch the old speed bag I’d mustered up from the training center as hard as I could — and maybe even yell a few times — without being observed or judged or questioned. And now, some idiot found it necessary to interrupt my futile attempt at studying through watering eyes. The pretend act was at least keeping me somewhat distracted from what had just happened with Jim — with the captain.

With a huffing breath, I forcefully pushed myself back from the table and stomped the few meager steps it took for me to reach my door. I made no effort to try and compose myself before forcefully punching the code into the small keypad.

My hair was no doubt still a mess, my cheeks flushed with emotion and stained with tears, water still blurring my eyes from how unbelievably pissed off and dumbfounded and upset I was at the interaction that had just occurred between myself and the captain of this godforsaken ship.

Without even bothering to straighten out the small pair of worn-out sleep shorts and oversized old T-shirt I’d tossed on the second I’d stepped back into my room, I slammed “enter” on the keypad with my pointer finger and crossed my arms across my chest, ready to breathe fire at whatever moron was relentlessly pounding on my door so late at night.

But just as my eyes flicked up to deliver a devastating glare to the person carrying out such high levels of annoyance, my jaw fell open at who stood before me, a hand braced on the top of the door frame, his hair mussed, uniform unbuttoned at the collar.

Before I let myself spiral out of control, letting all my feelings and emotions from the past weeks get the best of me, I straightened my posture and met that piercing blue gaze of his with the steely glare I’d wanted to lead with before I knew who was on the other side.

“Is there a reason for this late night visit outside of protocol, captain? Surely as the highest rank aboard this ship, you have no need to personally see to such a menial issue with a lowly cadet. I will follow the proper procedure to schedule a meeting. Now if you’ll excuse — “

“Aria, please, let me — “

“Please? Please captain? Please allow me to explain to you how it feels to be treated like a stranger who’s so far beneath you that you might as well spit on me. Please let me tell you how it feels to know you’re being avoided at every turn. Please understand that I do not want to see you right now after how you just treated me. Now if you will kindly remove yourself from my door frame, I’ll see you at our formal, proper meeting. Goodnight captain.”

But he didn’t move. He planted himself in the doorway, the sensors beeping infernally due to being held open too long. His eyes were wider now, pinning me down under that blue gaze that was brimming with determination and what might've been just a bit of hurt. Good. That was just a fraction of what I’d endured the past few weeks.

“Captain, kindly remove yourself from my doorway so I can — “

“Aria. Can I please come in so we can talk? I am so unbelievably sorry about what just happened, I am. I want to explain — “

“I’m sure this is something that can be discussed at our formal meeting captain — “

But the damn beeping from the door’s security protocol was getting louder and faster with each passing second. It was becoming impossible to think or hear over all the racket it was creating.

“Please move, captain. As you said, this conversation can — “

And before I could react to what was happening, I was being pushed into my room as he finally released his hands from the doorframe, causing it to slam shut at an alarming speed and forcing him to stumble forward. I stepped away from him, shocked at the choice he had just made to fall his way into my quarters, and I was just about to reach behind him to reopen the door when he stepped in front of me.

My tongue was poised and ready to strike with just about every foul thought I’d had about him in the past few weeks when his movement trapped my words in my mouth. He pulled me into him, arms wrapping tightly around my waist, head tucked over my shoulder.

The moment he touched me, it was as if he had paralyzed me. Arms limp at my sides, knees feeling as if they could give way at any moment. My eyes grew wide as my breathing hitched in my chest, getting lost in the raw emotion that was threatening to spill from my own heart and mind.

His lips moved to my ear, his voice barely more than a whisper. So very, very quiet after the near deafening beeping of the door.

“This conversation cannot wait. Not anymore. I am so sorry, Aria. So, so sorry.”

And as his words found that place deep inside myself, the place that had been dealing with so much hurt, confusion and anger the past weeks, I couldn’t fight the fact that the fire of my anger seemed to melt away into steam at the comfort of his words and embrace.

“I still can’t decide if I want to punch you, scream at you, or throttle you, but I am glad that you’re finally here.”

With a quick and deep settling breath, I stepped back from his arms and tried to find my own sense of space again in the ridiculous closet that I called my quarters. Now that he was here of his own accord, I could steer this conversation directly where I needed it to go. This was my territory.

I cast my face with a determined, stern mask as I moved to pull out the one chair around my small, round table that was currently piled with textbooks, papers and other miscellaneous studying materials.

“Take a seat, captain. You’ve got some explaining to do.”

I slid past him with my gaze focused on my unmade bed — the only other seating option in my converted-closet quarters. While I could consciously make a choice not to look at him as I brushed past where he stood, I couldn’t keep myself from breathing in the aroma of natural musk and bit of cologne that swirled up in the air around me. The smell took me straight back to that night in his apartment, the night outside of the club. Nights I had fought hard to forget about during the hell that had been the past weeks dealing with his horrible attitude towards me and the crippling weight of the stress from studying and giving combat lessons and dealing with my trauma.

But the feelings of those nights were not my priority right now. As I sat down on the edge of my mattress, bouncing slightly as I crossed my arms and legs, I kept my face fixed in a stern expression with my eyes focused in a critical gaze.

Try as he might to disarm me with his disheveled uniform and his natural ability to be so effortlessly handsome, I kept my thoughts on what was important. The mess he had created between us. His brash and arrogant demeanor. How easily he had dismissed my existence after what had transpired between us.

Before he took a seat in the chair at the table, he pulled it to the side to be much, much closer to where I was seated on my bed. Our knees were only a few inches apart. And as he leaned forward to rest his forearms on his knees, I could have reached out and run a hand through his hair. His proximity combined with the heat that was still lingering on my skin from his embrace ...

Focus Aria. There are things you need to say and need to hear. Focus.

He pulled in a deep breath through open lips, his eyes cast downwards towards my crossed feet, and he let it out before folding his hands between his knees as he tried to find words. One of his knees started bouncing up and down while I waited in the thick silence.

Then, he started to wring his hands together. Just as I was about to ask him if he was okay, if he really wanted to do this now, he finally started speaking. His voice was quiet, like he was speaking to not be overheard by anyone in a room where there was no one else around.

“As you can tell, I am not a man accustomed to talking about or dealing with my feelings in a productive, healthy way. It’s hard for me to say if this would’ve been the case if your… incident wouldn’t have happened. I’d like to confidently say it wouldn’t have, but that seems awfully self-serving.”

He took another breath before continuing, and I offered him small nods as he spoke, even though his gaze was still downcast at my feet.

“Seeing you like that, so badly hurt and not knowing what had happened to you… I assumed the worst right away. That you had gone out of your way to pick a fight or get in trouble. Something I would’ve done. Bones was the one to talk sense into me, and I very quickly realized how horrible of a thing that was for me to do.”

Another pause followed by a swallow and intentional breath. I kept my posture the same, arms crossed against my chest, although I had naturally leaned forward to be closer to him as he spoke. It was clear how nervous and unsettled he was, and part of me felt that if I closed the distance between us, it might create a more intimate feeling and help him relax, even just a little bit.

“I wanted nothing more than to board that medical transport with you. To keep holding your hand, to be with you when you woke up screaming and traumatized and scared. But as the captain of this ship, I had duties and responsibilities to tend to. Add in the fact that I had just publicly staked my reputation on your addition to my crew… I cornered myself into a position to fail you. I couldn’t stand to see myself put your opportunity in jeopardy by blindly following through on my feelings. But I didn’t want to leave you alone after what you had been through, especially since I was the only person you had in your corner. So I went to med bay that night. I don't know what I thought would happen… if I honestly thought there would be some kind of black and white reality that would’ve snapped into place or what. But seeing you again, so hurt, so broken, yet excited and hopeful about your new opportunities…”

My legs had uncrossed at some point while he had been speaking, allowing me to lean forward onto my knees to match his own position. It brought me closer as his voice grew quieter and wavered a little more with each sentence. I listened intently with a much softer expression than I had sat down with minutes ago. My hands clasped my elbows tightly as I waited for each word. Words I had been waiting weeks to hear. Words that I had wondered and dreamed about, whether I had wanted to or not.

“I knew if I did what I truly wanted to do, if I stayed by your side and spent every waking moment I could spare helping you recover and being with you and chasing that feeling I had that night on the patio of the bar… I knew it would jeopardize everything you were working towards. Throw my reputation as a womanizer into the mix and I would no doubt come under fire from the board for using my status and position to bring my girlfriend aboard the ship. The idea of you having to suffer through those accusations and misconceptions because of me… I couldn’t do that to you. And seeing your face light up about just being on board this ship even though you’d just been beaten within an inch of your life… I thought the easiest way to keep your hopes and dreams alive was to put as much distance between you and I as possible.”

Something seemed to snap in the tension I’d been carrying around in my body for the past weeks. My shoulders slowly sagged from being tight by her ears, my hands fell from my elbows, my jaw released, causing my lips to part slightly. My brow unfurrowed, my spine relaxed.

I looked on as his fidgeting slowed, and his body came into stillness. His eyes searched the floor as if he could see exactly what he was talking about unfold before him all over again. When he continued on, his voice was barely above a whisper. As if speaking too loudly might send him back to where he had already been.

“That night, when I came to see you in med bay, I had no idea what I was going to do about how I felt. I knew what I wanted, I knew what was wrong about it, I knew what the implications would be. What I wasn’t prepared for was seeing you so damaged and hurt, and what it would do to me. It scared me, Aria. It made me realize how deep my feelings for you really were. And because I already had so much trepidation about our uniquely complicated and seemingly damned situation, it made it easier for me to fall into the choice to distance myself from you. When I sat down in that room next to you, my mind wasn’t made up. But when you said you were on board the Enterprise with such a brightness in your eyes and a smirk on your lips, despite the hell you’d just been through, I knew I had to try and let the things between us go. Because with my position and reputation of being a heartless womanizer, that left you painted in a false and unfair light.”

At some point while he was giving me a glimpse into his head and heart these past weeks, I had started to hold my breath. As he paused again, I breathed in deep to try and get my breathing back on track. I blinked against the dryness in my eyes from not having been focused on any of my bodily functions while he spoke so candidly with me. And it was as I was trying to regain my composure by figuring out how to breathe and blink normally that he finally lifted his head up and looked at me.

And while the tired man I expected was looking back at me, just an arms length away, there was a faint glimmer to his bag-accented eyes and a tug at the corner of his five-o’-clock shadow-surrounded lips that sent my heart beating stupidly fast just like all those months ago. His eyes found mine and kept my gaze as he continued on explaining how exactly it was that we got here.

“When I left you in that hospital bed, I thought that time would pass and my feelings would fade. I thought I could continue on with my everyday life, my routines, my usual motions, and the memory of you and the times we had together would just fizzle out — for you and for me. But as we both know, I was wrong. It didn’t pass. Nothing fizzled. Nothing faded. And I, James Tiberius Kirk, had encountered something scarier than deep space, more terrifying than angry one-night stands and more painful than any hangover I’ve ever had. You. And tonight, when I finally came face to face with you and was verbally slapped by Bones for the umpteenth time, I knew I couldn’t go on acting like I had made the right choice for both of us without your input. Without considering your feelings, without being a half decent man.”

I looked at him, that signature smirk of his painted across his face and that twinkle in his eyes I had been thrilled by, in shock and disbelief. There was no doubt that every word had reached my ears, had penetrated my brain, and were now settling into my mind and making their way to my heart.

My body, finally free of all the tension that had been racking it for weeks, slid back on my mattress to lean against the wall. As if it would help ground me physically and mentally to sort through what I had just heard and everything that had been building up within myself over the past weeks.

“I know that’s a lot to process. And I completely understand if punching, throttling, or what was it, screaming at me is still something you need or want to do. I’m also fully willing to know exactly just how little you thought of me over these past weeks. I’m probably not prepared to know just how little that was, or still is, but I’m here and ready to hear every last detail.”

Before I could think twice about it, before I could hesitate or try to think of something to say, I stood up from my bed and walked past him to a trunk — one of the few pieces of actual furniture in my joke of a space — that housed a few of my precious memories and contraband. I could feel his eyes on my back as I dug around for what I needed. After some rustling and clanking, I finally pulled free the bottle of whiskey and two mismatched glasses that were buried at the bottom of the trunk.

Finding an empty spot on the wall shelf in front of me, I set the glasses down, popped the top of the bottle free, poured a few sips worth of amber liquid into each one, and placed the bottle back on the shelf within easy reach. With a quick settling breath in and out of parted lips, I turned back to him, in all of the glory of my old gym shorts and oversized shirt. I didn’t dare give myself time to second guess myself and what I was about to do.

As I came to a stop beside his chair, he pushed his arms up from his knees and turned his face to gaze up at me. I silently reached out and offered him one of the glasses of whiskey. With the raising of his eyebrows and that smirk still tugging at his lips, he quipped, “This does seem to be our sweet spot, doesn’t it?”

Before taking the glass from my grasp, our fingers lightly grazed each others, causing that damn giddy electricity to shoot through me.

I silently raised my glass in the air before shooting it back. After looking on at me for a few seconds with a curious expression, he followed suit. Both of our empty glasses made a soft clinking sound as we set them down on the table one after the other.

Before he could say anything, before he could make the choice to try and steer the conversation back to me or give me another option besides what I had in mind, I looked him in the eye and said quietly, “Ask me to dance.”

And as my words hit the air and his ears, it took nearly no time at all for him to stand up in front of me and offer his hand as he looked down at me and whispered, “Dance with me?”

Just like he had asked all those months ago. It brought me back to those feelings I had done nothing but grapple with and torture myself over. Feelings that brought unexplainable warmth to my body, a quickness to my heart and comfort to my mind.

As I placed my hand in his, whatever tension was left in my body from the day and from weeks of physical and emotional strain seemed to dissipate. Just as I was about to place my other hand on the wrinkled shoulder of his captain’s uniform, my brow furrowed as I remembered just one very important element they were missing.

“I don’t have any music…”

“We don’t need any.”

His arm slid around my waist, and he gently tugged me into his chest, making it easy for me to bring my face right near his stubbled cheek. My body relaxed even further as the whiskey warmed me up, and I rested my other hand on the firm muscle of his shoulder masked underneath the wrinkles of his no-longer tidy captain’s uniform.

And just like that, the two of us were swaying slowly in my too-small quarters within the few feet of uncluttered space between the door and table. The only sound that met our ears was the faint buzz of bulbs and the soft whirr of technology.

Warm breath found my ear after we’d settled into a steady rhythm set by his smooth, natural movement. A melody of a song I had never heard before drifted into my ear as he began singing softly to me. His lips grazed my ear with every word, sending small shivers down my spine as I pressed closer to him to get them to subside. The words were so simple, so pure, so perfect after the complete pain and confusion of the past weeks.

It didn’t change the fact that there was still so much to tell him about how I’d been feeling. It didn’t change the fact that I was still horribly overwhelmed with teaching combat to crew members and studying and passing. It didn’t change the fact that I was still struggling with what had happened to me three weeks ago.

But it helped. It helped take the edge off my constant worrying and second guessing and exhaustion. It helped me feel less isolated, less alone, less aimless.

“I found a dream, that I could speak to

I dream that I can call my own

I found a thrill to press my cheek to

I thrill that I have never known”

Even though it was more whispered than sung, even though I had no idea how the actual song was supposed to sound, even though the pitch of his voice faltered in some places, it was perfect. Because he was singing it for me. A gift and treasure for my ears alone, in my too-small-of-a-room with the faint taste of whiskey lingering on my tongue, along with the foreign feelings of lightness and comfort that I had never really known before.

With one last whispered verse, the song was over. We were left swaying in silence, my head leaned against his cheek and my arm wrapped around his shoulder. I took in the feeling of his hand holding mine, now pressed to his chest right above his evenly beating heart. The soothing effect of its steady rhythm somehow made it easy for me to start telling him the gist of what my life had been like since we’d been slogging our way through their own personal hells.

It was a brief, very annotated version of my daily struggles. My words flowed from me in a slow stream of relaxed chatter. From the painful check-ins with Bones, to the wide range of personalities of my mentors I had to deal with to fulfill my obligation to finish the studying portion of my time at the academy, to the varying levels of success I had teaching mandatory self defense classes to every crew member on the ship — which required splitting up classes to several different times during the day, five days a week. The fact that personally training him had fallen by the wayside had been the one small blessing out of the awful mess of him ignoring my existence for weeks and weeks. A fact I spoke out loud, and was met with a quip from him that filled my ear with the rumble of his voice.

I didn’t mention that I was still struggling with the aftermath of the incident. It seemed too heavy for the moment. And the way my eyelids were already drooping, I was shocked I was still managing to muster up energy to sway back and forth with him. We had settled into a comfortable silence, my eyes moving between open and closed at longer and longer intervals. His head came to rest on top of my own, which was now laid fully on his shoulder, sometime after he’d finished singing to me.

During one of the long moments when my eyes were shut, he slowly brought our swaying to a halt. We stood in each other's arms for a few more seconds, the only movement being his thumb moving across the back of my hand that was still resting over his heart.

I didn’t know what would come next. I hadn’t thought that far ahead. As I started to consider where the night — rather early morning — could go, I felt his lips move against my hair as he murmured, “It is way past my bedtime,” before pulling himself away from me for the first time in what must have been at least an hour.

Disoriented from nearly being asleep and from everything that had transpired in the last handful of hours, I nodded and mindlessly smoothed my clothes. He mimicked my aimless clothing smoothing as he fidgeted with the collar of his uniform and his sleeves before taking a step past me and moving towards the door.

I turned to watch as he reached for the keypad. He paused as his thumb hovered over the enter key, turning to look at me and no doubt make one last quip before he left.

But I beat him to it. Before he could speak, I made the one request that had been at the center of all our conflict since our tenuous relationship had started all those months ago.

“Please stay.”

I was impossibly still as I spoke the words. My voice was quiet, but steady. I looked on as he stood frozen in the same position with his thumb hovered over the enter key. He looked at me as genuine surprise spread across his features, followed by a softening that led into one of those small smirks I had come to enjoy in a way that baffled me.

In the few brief seconds he spent pausing before responding to me, I considered what would happen if he said no. If he decided to leave and part ways like they were so used to doing. But he began speaking before I could start to dwell on the possibility of continuing on our constant path of two steps forward, three steps back.

“Of course.”

The words came off his lips quietly as he dropped his hand from the keypad and turned to walk back towards where I stood by my bed.

Standing, arms limp at my sides, I looked on as he kicked off his shoes, pulled his long-sleeved captain’s shirt up and over his head and undid the belt to his pants, dropping them to the floor. Suddenly, he was standing before me in my room, in the most intimate and casual way I’d ever seen him.

While getting here had been anything but quick, the moment had crept up on me as I stood in front of him. So before I could second guess myself, before looking too closely at just how good he looked in his white undershirt, and definitely before my eyes could wander down to see all the details of his boxers, I leaned over to turn off the overhead light.

In the soft and calming glow of the part-broken string of lights I had found discarded on one of the shelves, I walked over to my laughably sized twin bed and laid down with my back to the wall. I looked up at him, my hair spilling over the front of my shoulder carelessly, to find him looking on with subtly parted lips and fists half-curled at his sides. He strode over and sat down on the edge of the mattress before swinging his legs up to lay down and face me.

Our bare knees touched, and the tips of our noses brushed together. I took a small steadying breath before letting my heavy lids close. The last image I had was of him settling onto our shared pillow as his bright blue eyes rested on me with that smirk still playing on his lips. As I was finally starting to drift off to sleep after having been awake for nearly 24 hours straight, I felt his hand rest on top of mine in the small space that lay between us.

And everything in our small corner of the universe, for just this one moment, was perfectly ok as we fell asleep not wrapped up in each other’s arms, but simply in the comfort of each other’s presence.