Slowly cracking my eyes open to a dimly lit room instantly sent my heart crashing against my ribs. It melded all-too easily with the recent memories of two hooded figures coming towards me, closing in as my vision blurred and my coordination failed.

Sharp. I was always sharp. I blinked as fast as I could in an effort to dispel what I hoped was an illusion of that horrid alley. My brows furrowed as I took in the smooth ceiling, the dimmed recessed lighting, the cabinets and sterile sink across the room from my bed. Beeps and clicks of machines became clearer as my hearing oriented. And next to me, sitting next to me …

Jim. The captain was perched in a chair that he had pulled up next to me. All I could see was a mess of his dirty blonde hair as his head rested on his arms that were folded onto the side of my bed. Before I could even fathom why he was here, and what it meant because he was here, I took stock of my body, of my condition.

Casts on the fingers of my right hand, my dominant punching hand. A cast on my defensive left arm. Every inch of my skin seemed to throb with bruises, every joint ached with dull fire. My left eye was swollen shut, my mouth puffy and lips chapped.

And dry. Everything was dry. My eyes, my throat, even my skin. The fingers of my left hand were resting just a hair away from Jim’s folded arms. With an enormous amount of effort and concentration, I tried to wiggle my casted and bare fingers just enough to graze the exposed skin of his forearm. It was no use — I couldn’t muster the strength to reach over even such a small sliver of distance.

It would have to be something more abrupt, unfortunately. So I settled for clearing my throat, which of course made me cough, which of course was much louder than I wanted it to be. Jim woke with a start, his bright blue eyes reddened, and his face creased with lines from the rolled-up sleeves of his shirt. His eyes searched the room frantically for a moment before resting on my face.

The dim lighting of the room accentuated the bags under his eyes, making his exhaustion far more pronounced. Glassy blue irises traced over my face again and again, and his lips trembled as he searched for words to say. I saved him the heartache, and managed to find my voice from deep, deep within myself.

“Guess I should’ve just let you walk me home, huh?” It came out in a voice I did not recognize. A raspy, broken sound, born of far too much screaming and yelling.

His face crumpled at my feeble attempt at a joke. With several shakes of his head and a stray tear streaming down his cheek, he spoke my name.

“Aria, Aria I…”

I managed to shake my own head in minute movements, mirroring his disbelief. Shame and nausea swept through my body as I asked the horrible question in a quiet, too small voice.

“Do you know what happened?”

He sucked in his bottom lip and bit down on it, maybe in an effort to keep any more tears at bay. Even if I wanted to cry, I couldn’t. Everything about me felt dry, withered up, lifeless.

“The gist of it, yes.”

I nodded slowly, shifting my gaze to my cast-covered fingers, attempting to focus on getting them to move. There were a lot of questions swirling around in my brain that I would’ve given anything to have go away for a long, long while.

Why did I have to leave the safety of his company? Why did I have to be so afraid of a man’s intentions when I didn’t even know what they truly were? Why didn’t I fight harder? Why didn’t I get away? Why was I constantly denying myself happiness?

To push the questions out of my mind, to get my wheels to stop turning so quickly, to shove the grueling hard work of having to sort through this mess down, down, down, I started talking. About what had happened. My gaze remained locked on my sad, broken hands as I let my thoughts flow clumsily.

“I didn’t want to make a choice I was going to regret. I didn’t trust myself, having been drinking, to make a smart choice with you… I thought having you walk me home would inevitably lead to more. And after you offered to help me, to have me come with you on the Enterprise… I wanted things to move slowly. But I was out of it. I thought I knew where I was going, but my mind was racing. I wanted to get back to my apartment, to get what little sleep I could before this morning… but I made a wrong turn. I turned into an alley. And before I could realize what danger I had put myself in, there were… there were... “

Jim’s voice came out in a whisper, his features drawn with grief and exhaustion. “Aria, you don’t have to — “

But I just kept going, kept letting words tumble out one after the other. I needed them out of me, like bleeding poison from a wound. I wanted it out so I would never have to talk about it again. I wanted him to hear so he could try and understand my shatteredness, my new burden, my truth.

“There were two of them. All dressed in black with hoods drawn over their heads. I tried to think of a way out, to defend myself, to escape them, but… I was too drunk, too tired… All I could do was fight back as best as I could. Which was far, far too little.”

My voice faded away as what few tears I had left finally came out of my beaten eyes.

Reflexively, he started to reach out for my hand — my uncasted hand — but caught himself halfway. As he was lowering it back to the bed, I managed to find what little voice I had left.

“It’s okay.”

After a glance towards me for extra reassurance, he reached out again and gently, so gently took my battered hand into his. With tenderness I had never experienced before, he traced over every little cut, scrape and lingering streaks of dirt on what little exposed skin I had with his thumb.

I looked on through swollen eyes in disbelief. Even though there was so much that remained unsaid, so many problems to sift through, so much hurt pulled taut between us, this small moment briefly eased all the grief and heaviness from my mind. For now. For the present.

A smile tugged at the corner of my tender lip as I looked on at our hands laying across my sore legs. From the corner of my eye, I saw the movement of blinds as someone drew them over the window.

“I’m on the Enterprise.”

He pulled his gaze away from my hand, and his tired blue eyes met mine along with a matching, half-hearted smirk of his own.

“You are. Turns out all those dangerous and successful missions in deep space paid off for me after all.”

A chuckle escaped through my cracked lips, and for a second, I felt like I did last night. Before all of this pain had shored up between us.

“Jim… Thank you. For staking your reputation on me. For giving me this opportunity, I was… I was really going nowhere. You really — “

“Please don’t, Aria. It was the least I could do, and now, after all this…”

I reached over with my other cast-covered hand and placed it on top of his, stopping him from stroking my skin with that lighter-than-air touch. With as much strength as I could muster, I gave his hand a squeeze.

“Thank you.”

He just stared down at our hands, his mind obviously still miles away. I couldn’t take the heaviness radiating from him, the grief, the self loathing. The conversation needed to shift before I found myself slipping into his misery too.

“What’s the plan? How did you convince them to let me back into the academy? And on the Enterprise?”

The officialness of my question made him sit upright, his hand pulling away from mine. Distancing himself from what happened last night and sliding back into the role he had filled so well over the years. His posture straightened in his chair, and even though his hair was mused and his uniform disheveled, he looked every bit of the stoic captain as he was on the dozens of video screens plastered around Yorktown.

“Well, the plan is to have you lead combat training here on the Enterprise to fulfill what’s required to complete your speciality. I spun it as self defense to take the militarized edge off of it. You’ll also be tutored in math, reading and science while you’re on board. I’ve selected officers who I feel like will be good mentors and help you excel — hopefully without overwhelming you. You’ll have weekly check-ins with me, and I’ll submit a report to the board documenting your progress and mental health. And as an added bonus, I included that you’ll also be personally training me in the art of self defense.”

I blinked at him, shocked at what an immaculate plan he had laid out for me. For me.

“That is quite the plan you’ve concocted.”

“It was pretty spur of the moment since they wanted the paperwork back immediately, but it's not too shabby.”

He knitted his hands together between his knees, looking down again with that faraway expression.

“After this... unforeseen event, the timeline will be staggered to accommodate your recovery. Your classes and training won’t start until after you’re… healed. Psych will be required to ensure you’re sound of mind. Those reports will also be submitted directly to the board by me. Until then, we’ll still have our weekly check-ins and your tutors will come to you here. We can always delay or alter —”

“No. I want to get started as soon as possible. Please.”

With a slow nod he turned his head back to me.

“Your living quarters are… a little less than ideal. Once you’re released from med bay, you’ll be in a… converted living space. Essentially we were already slightly over capacity for this trip, and with an added crew member at the last minute… Well, we had to turn a closet into a room. We’re figuring out the bathroom situation, so hopefully it’s done before you’re discharged from med bay. It’s not much, but it’s here. On the Enterprise.”

I could hear the punch of him omitting “with me”, and it twisted my insides in a way that made me feel even weaker. But I didn’t let it trip me up, and I continued on with our relatively normal conversation.

“It’s probably a million times nicer than where I was living before anyways. Cramped quarters don’t bother me. It’ll be just fine.”

Silence fell over us again, pulsing with the dark mood that still ate away at his face and posture.

“I suppose as captain, it’s important for you not to show favoritism. Especially with a cadet you stuck your neck out for.”

With a sigh, he ran his hand through his hair, then placed both hands on his knees as he leaned forward, getting ready to stand.

“Yes, that’s very important. Especially having so publicly vouched for you.”

I swallowed against the dryness in my throat and gave a slight nod in response.

“Makes sense to have the blinds shut.” The sound of my voice came out far too small, tinged with sadness and disappointment that I would have rather kept hidden.

He pulled his lips into a grim smile and stood up, adjusting his uniform and giving his hair a few quick adjustments by running his hand through it.

“Bones is an incredible doctor. He’ll take good care of you. If there are any questions you have, let him know and he can relay them to me. From now on, please address me formally following proper conduct and protocol.”

Something in my chest fell as he approached the door without so much as looking at me as he spoke such formal, stiff words.

“Ok.”

As he moved to pull open the door, he paused. “Feel better.”

And with that, he was gone. Those final words about being formal and following protocol… of course that was to be expected. But after last night, after his appearance here… it churned up so much confusion and so many questions. It was obvious that he had a lot on his mind, with being captain, with whatever mission he was tasked with. Of course he didn’t want to be burdened with an additional worry, another task, something else that could potentially go wrong.

I owed him a debt, a massive one. He had made it clear that we were commander and subordinate, and that was to be it. I would have to work hard to prove that he was right to stick his neck out for me. To prove to the board that I was an asset, and not a hindrance to one of their most prestigious captains.

Even though my heart had ached deeply when he left with such a formal, dismissing statement. Even though there was far too much left unsaid about what had happened between us last night. As thought after thought swirled through my mind, I gave up the fight of trying to keep my eyelids from drooping.

Far, far away, I heard the door open and someone offered me water through a straw. I managed a few deep gulps, some drops escaping down my chin which were dabbed away gently, before the lights were dimmed to near darkness, and the door shut softly again.

As sleep swept over my exhausted body, I hoped that it would be peaceful and free of any horrors from last night. The phrase “dreamless sleep” repeated over and over again in my mind before sleep finally took hold, and I slipped away from the small confines of the hospital room and into the vast depths of my mind.