I needed air. Quickly. The lights were beginning to blur and swirl around me. People’s voices seemed foggy and distant. A group of us decided to leave the dance floor at the same time — thank god I would have someone to follow. I wasn’t sure if I could manage navigating my way back to the tables where the rest of the crew was gathered. As I looked up from my feet and tried my damndest to focus my vision, I saw Bones being clapped on the back by someone in an old leather jacket with perfectly tousled golden brown hair. Jim.

Of course it had to be Jim. My heartbeat stumbled into my ribs just as I physically stumbled into the person in front of me. I muttered a brief apology under my breath and watched as he pushed through a door on the other side of the room. I clumsily made my way through the few people that remained between myself and Bones. My foot caught on something as I neared the table, and my hands flew out to balance myself as my vision settled. How many drinks had Uhura convinced me to have?

“Bones. Was that Jim?”

His brows furrowed more, if that was even possible. His eyes darted between me and the door where I thought Jim had just gone through. It was obvious that Bones was having a grand internal debate about confirming my suspicions. I was just about to push him further when he finally blurted out a response.

“Yes, dammit. That was Jim. Just ... just go easy on him, will ya?”

Now it was my turn to furrow my brows. My feet were already moving towards the side door as I decided I didn’t have enough energy to give Bones a response. Being drunk was already making this a volatile situation. I needed fresh air, and I needed to talk to Jim. The two things just happen to currently exist in the same space. After what felt like an eternity of wading through the sickly hot, crowded club, I finally pushed through the side door and out into the fresh-ish air of Yorktown.

The door swung shut behind me with a loud thud. It was then I noticed that I was breathing heavily through my mouth. I hadn’t been running through the club, had I? It did help get the cool air into my lungs faster. Somehow, my inebriated body kept moving forward. I kept taking steps toward Jim. And then words were rushing out of my mouth before I could even debate whether or not they should be said. This was why going out with people only led to poor choices. Damn my weakness.

“You’re not leaving, are you?”

I had managed to walk within a few feet of him. It took an incredible amount of effort to force my feet to stop moving. I planted myself in one place, being careful not to lock my knees, and folded my arms over my chest, fending off the cool night air.

Jim still had his back to me as he leaned on the metal railing with his forearms. His chin was tilted upwards towards the sprawling night sky that was dappled with beautiful moons and planets and stars. His face was tilted at just enough of an angle for me to see the side profile of his handsome features. Were his eyes glassy, or was that just the alcohol messing with my usually perceptible mind? And what exactly was he —

“Not yet, no.”

Silence hung heavily in the air between us after he spoke. There had been no plan concocted in my mind when I had rushed out here after him. Really the only checklist items were to get fresh air before I heaved my guts onto the dance floor, and talking to him. But what I would say, on the other hand … that was still a big, fat question mark.

I hadn’t worked any of this out over the past few months. None of it. I had shoved it down to the farthest, darkest corner of my mind so it could sit and collect dust. And now here I was, my heel-clad foot in my mouth, desperately trying to think past all the booze in my system and come up with something to say to the man standing an arms-length away from me.

“Why did you do it?” It came out too small, too quiet, too hurt. But it was honest. And honesty was easy with alcohol-laced breath.

Instant regret. Take it back, take it back!

Blame having had too much to drink. Blame the alignment of the moons. Blame something. But it was too late. The words were already out in the air between us. I gripped my arms tighter against my chest in the hopes that maybe I could squeeze some sense into my brain.

He let out a soft chuckle before he turned himself around to face me. He leaned cooly against the railing, his own arms crossing against his chest. Suddenly my hammering heart rate filled my ears. He looked tired. Even a tad unwell. Bags had formed under his eyes, and the contagious energy he had possessed all those months ago had vanished. Electric blue eyes finally shifted from his shoes to me — and boy was I not ready to be pinned under his piercing gaze.

“Because I wanted to. Look, I wasn’t drunk or trying to pull off some stunt. I know that’s hard to believe, but I was just doing what felt right to me.”

A scoff abruptly left my lips as he finished speaking. I couldn’t help it. There was suddenly white-hot anger rising in my chest that fueled my racing heart, no longer thumping into my ribs due to the handsome captain standing before me, who was attempting to mask his womanizing ways behind feelings.

“You can’t just do something like that. I barely know you, Jim. And then to pull that … whatever it was, and expect me to just skip along with it — ”

“I didn’t know what I was doing, okay? It wasn’t premeditated. It wasn’t planned. There’d been a lot on in my mind then, and there still is, and acting on impulse is kind of my thing. It wasn’t fair to you, and I’m sorry you had to take the brunt of it.”

Slow, intense throbbing was nagging at my temples as I tried to keep my blurred vision locked onto him. I could tell he was being sincere, that he wasn’t just trying to further feign ignorance. His defensiveness and the raising of his voice were convincing enough. But there was still anger flaring up behind my ribs. For this situation. For how I felt. For how I didn’t want to feel. For how I had him to thank for pushing me back to the academy. It was all just bubbling over and out of me now.

“Of course you just happen to show up at the club tonight, after Uhura told me that you, without a doubt, weren't coming.”

All the childish rage … I couldn’t keep it down. I couldn’t fight it. Not with this much alcohol coursing through my system. Oh how I wished I could’ve just floated off into space. Away from this horrible situation. Away from my own big mouth.

“First off, those are my friends in there. My crew. I was invited days ago. I had no idea that you would be here. Hell, I wasn’t even going to come! So my apologies for wanting to get out and live a little.” He pointed towards the closed door to the club as he spoke, adding emphasis to each statement.

His temper was flaring. I could see the tension gathering in his shoulders. His voice had gotten considerably louder, and his cheeks were tinged with red. Challenge rose in my chest. The familiar feeling that came along with combat — of assessing an opponent in order to destroy them systematically. Sparring verbally, however, was not my strong suit.

“Of course! Don’t hesitate to remind me about your success as captain,” I threw in air quotes around his title for good measure, “and how you have a crew and that they’re your friends. I can’t go anywhere on this damn station without being reminded of you and your, your you-ness!”

My drunk insults were leaving something to be desired, but as I yelled, something in him shifted. I watched as the tension eased from his shoulders, dropping his head down slightly so his gaze refocused on his shoes. He grew quiet for a few moments, leaving me and my eager anger to debate between leaving or saying something further.

“Well, your odds of running into me will be zero in just a few short hours.”

My brows knitted together again. I was starting to get the spins. I needed support, or else I was going to fall over. That wasn’t really a surefire way to win an argument. With a few carefully calculated steps, I moved to the railing next to him and forcefully rested one of my hands on it. I was able to steady myself, to focus on his mussed hair. Swallowing hard against my churning stomach, I managed to find my voice again. Smaller than before. Less feisty.

“What do you mean?”

He sighed and brought one of his hands up to rub his forehead before continuing.

“I’m leaving for our next mission tomorrow.”

I nodded absentmindedly as he spoke. He really didn’t have to explain himself. I knew exactly what he meant the first time. I hoped that if he explained himself, maybe I could come to terms with it. Maybe I wouldn’t still feel this ache inside myself that wanted him to be around. An ache that wanted to keep getting to know him. It was a near primal need to just have a friend, or some semblance of a friend. So I countered him with the only thing I had left. I sidestepped the wrenching in my gut and foolishly kept talking.

“I’ve been back at the academy for a few months now. It hasn’t been easy, not in the slightest, but I’m doing it.”

He finally turned his head to look at me again. A smirk pulled at the corner of his lips. His eyes finally seemed brighter, like that night so many months ago. My own lips twitched upward into a small grin. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of a full smile. Take that, fruity drinks in my bloodstream.

“It must have been all those rousing stories I told you about my misadventures and triumphs in space, huh? Can I expect a formal thank you in my inbox soon?”

Of course he would take the road of self centeredness. Was there any other road with him? I rolled my eyes and looked up to the starry sky before shifting my glaring gaze back to him.

“You are so full of yourself, all of the time. Constantly. It must be exhausting. I swear if I could go back in time and never have agreed to go out with you — ”

“Oh yeah, because I really forced you into having a drink with me. By asking politely I might as well have had a phaser to your head.”

“Don’t even pretend you don’t use that convenient manly charm or whatever it is you have to woo any woman you — ”

“May I remind you that you were not woo-able, even if that had been what I was trying to do? You literally ran out of my apartment! I forgot, we couldn’t just have a civil chat about what had happened between us. No, the much better option is running away.”

“Just like you were running off tonight? Away from me? Away from dealing with it? And now you're running off to space, where you’ll never have to face me.”

My breathing was ragged, as if I’d just sprinted around the block. My fists were clenched and shaking. Ready to hit someone. Hit him. My buzz had faded around the edges, leaving me with nothing but a loose tongue and fueled limbs. And as I tried to steady my breathing, tried to push the rising anger down away from the surface, he started laughing. Laughing. There were a few things he could have done in that moment to push my anger over the edge. Laughing was definitely at the top of that list.

“You’re laughing at me?”

I cocked my head as I watched him continue to laugh with his face tilted up towards the sky. His lips were spread in a wide smile, laughter rolling out from between his white teeth. I pushed off from the railing and paced away from him. There was a familiar, burning wave of heat spreading through my limbs. The kind of heat I knew fueled my fists into action. Whiskey and honed instincts were not mixing well.

“Yeah, I am. Listen to us. Bickering like some old married — ”

Before I could rein in the heat that had sprung loose from inside of me, I was turned around and standing just inches away from him, fist cocked. Trembling with anticipation. God, how I wanted to punch him right in that pretty boy face of his.

“Come on, you wanna hit me? Go ahead, hit me. Will it make you feel better? Because you look like you’re about ready to — ”

And then my fist was flying, fed with raw power from my shoulder and connecting soundly with his nose. The coil had sprung — it always did, albeit usually in a more appropriate setting. I hadn’t actually punched or fought another person in my adult life. While I was on the road as a child, however, that was a different story.

He stumbled backwards a few steps, bracing himself on the railing with one hand before both hands shot up to his nose. My jaw hung open as I staggered towards him, grasping for his shoulders so I could assess the damage I had just unleashed on his nose.

“Jim! Oh my god, are you okay? I am so, so sorry, I don’t know what came over me, I…”

But as his wide, shocked eyes met mine, laughter roared up from my lungs. Real, from the gut laughter. It was so inappropriate, so misplaced. But I couldn’t stop it from erupting out of my mouth. I held onto one of his shoulders for balance as my other arm flew around my stomach.

Laughter this rich existed nowhere in my recent memory. A chuckle here or there, sure. A hearty laugh at a funny story or good joke, maybe. But not this crippling, vise-like laughter that seemed to cut through my buzz and my flaring temper with ease.

“You broke my damn nose!”

I tried to look up at him, but pools of tears blurred my vision. Between the alcohol and my sudden fit of hysteria, I needed to find my composure. With a deep sniffle and a quick running of my hands through my hair, I managed to subdue my laughter slightly.

Using what little logic I could scrounge, I started ripping the bottom hem of my dress off — or rather Uhura’s dress — to clean up the blood from his face. As I turned to help him sit down so he could tilt his head back, I found that he was laughing quietly to himself.

“What the hell is wrong with us?”

A few more chuckles escaped my lips as I put my hand back on his shoulder and gently guided him down to the edge of the patio. The railing allowed us both to sit on the edge with our feet dangling over. I brought the rag from my dress up to his slowly bleeding nose and carefully helped him tip his head backwards. It felt more intimate than it should’ve.

As soon as he lifted his hand up to hold the rag in place, I brought my hands back to my own lap. He leaned back on one palm, fingers splayed out on the smooth concrete of the patio. He was still laughing softly to himself as he held the white, now gradually turning red, fabric of my dress up to his nose.

“I think I punched you for a lot of different reasons. None of them really having to do with you. While you do piss me off, and infuriate me, I’m still very, very sorry.”

He shook his head as best as he could before tilting his gaze down to me.

“I deserved it. I need to be put back in my place every once in a while. Granted these days I’m usually getting my ass kicked by foreign species who have a beef with Starfleet instead of by women at clubs. That training at the academy is definitely honing your skills, cadet.”

Even with the sarcasm dripping off his last few words, another chuckle escaped my lips. Easy and light. Everything felt so clear in this moment. So uncomplicated. Why not tell him about the past few months? It didn’t seem so scary after reminding him that I could systematically destroy his body with a few expertly placed punches. Plus, it didn’t seem like he’d be going anywhere soon with a bleeding nose and bruised ego.

So I tipped my head back just like his, my eyes falling onto the same set of stars and planets that his gaze was considering. Words started tumbling from my mouth in a steady stream. My voice was slightly hushed at first, as if speaking too loudly would dispel the moment, pulling us out of this odd peace we had seemed to find after I had punched a Starfleet captain in the face.

I touched on everything from the stuck up judgmental students, to my struggles with core subjects, to how painfully obvious it was that I was far more skilled at combat than any of the old, washed up instructors were.

He sat and listened intently, offering a chuckle or asking a question here and there, his head tipped up at the night sky the entire time. As my words finally came to a halt, trailing off after a story about embarrassing myself with a wrong answer to a basic math question in front of a class full of young cadets, we were met with that uneasy silence once again.

The feelings of that night lingered around us both. Unspoken and avoided questions that were starting to cripple any chance of friendship, or whatever else might come of us seeing and enjoying one another’s company. It hurt. It really did. And I could tell it was hurting us both.

As I turned to look at him after what seemed like hours of my own rambling, I made a choice. A relationship-altering, bold abd risky choice. Blame the alcohol, blame his closeness to me, blame the adrenaline high of punching him in the face paired with dancing all night.

I made the choice, and was committed to seeing it through. Because the silence lacing all of our conversations was just not how I wanted us to play out.

“Jim.” His name came out a whisper, soft and breathy after my unexpectedly animated explanation of the past six months of my life.

After a few seconds of what seemed like his own internal debate over even turning his head to look at me, his piercing blue eyes fell on my own light gold irises . A light breeze pushed a lock of hair into his eyes, and along with it a gentle wafting of his natural musk. The same musk that had riled up my senses all those months ago.

Before he could reach up to move the hair from his eyes, my hand was in motion. I placed my fingertips on the warm skin of his forehead before gently moving them up to the roots of his hair, returning the fallen strands back to where they had come from. Then, my hand slowly ran down the side of his face, with as much tenderness as I could manage, before resting my palm on the warmth of his stubbled cheek.

His mouth fell open slightly as his eyes traveled over my face, eventually stopping on my own parted lips. Before he could speak, before the silence could take us again, I closed the minute speck of distance between us and pushed my lips against his.

Everything that had been wound up so tightly between us unraveled as the kiss sprawled out over seconds. A spark of urgency ignited beneath my skin as he moved his lips to deepen the kiss, causing the tips of our tongues to brush together for just a moment.

Every ounce of uncertainty fell away as he rested his comfortingly warm hand on my arm, the same arm that had my hand still cupped over his cheek. Heat gathered between us, the kiss growing more intense as I felt him start to lean into me more, causing us to start hading towards laying down on the patio of the club. The club.

With an incredible amount of effort, I managed to pull back from his lips — those soft, expertly moving lips that seemed to work perfectly in tandem with my own. Our breathing was heavy as we sat, foreheads pressed together under the twinkling lights of the dimly lit patio. Fortunately for us, it was at the back of the club, where there was a row of bushes before the back alley street.

After taking a few moments to gather my scattered thoughts, I managed to get out a coherent, fully formed sentence.

“It probably isn’t smart for a Starfleet captain to be blatantly kissing a cadet in public.”

He pushed his lips softly against mine once more before responding.

“Come with me on this mission.”

A breathy, alcohol-laced laugh escaped my lips at his impossible request.

“I can't just come with you. What am I supposed to do, sneak into the cargo hold? That seems like a fun way to spend what could potentially end up being years in space.”

The word “years” made something in my chest tighten. A fact, but a fact that complicated something that was already complicated. Wonderful.

He ran his hand up my arm, placing it on top of my hand that was still resting on his cheek. Taking my hand in his, he pulled them down to rest together on the cool concrete of the patio.

“It won’t be like that, not exactly.”

My brows furrowed as he insinuated he had some other kind of plan. I gave him an incredibly quizzical and skeptical look as I pulled away from his forehead to fully observe the idea that had suddenly lit up his eyes.

“What exactly do you have brewing in that head of yours, captain smooth-talker?”

That achingly familiar and infuriating cocky smile that I had missed during all these months I spent avoiding him spread across his face as he ran a thumb over the top of my hand. It brought warmth to the pit of my stomach, reminding me exactly how I had felt that night we had spent together. Of just how much I had missed him week after week.

“Can you be at the academy’s grand auditorium tomorrow at 9?”

I cocked my head at the request, wondering if I had in fact heard him correctly or if the alcohol had distorted my hearing that drastically.

“You want me to come to an official Starfleet meeting tomorrow at 9? Why?”

“All you need to do is show up, be somewhat put together and coherent, and you should be boarding the Enterprise with us tomorrow afternoon.”

“Jim, I don’t want you to — “

He brought a finger up to my lips, stopping me mid sentence. I gave him a scowl that was met with a shit-grin of his own.

“Trust me. Just show up. Please. You’ve been busting your ass for six months straight. You already have two years of academy under your belt, even though they’re not counting it. You’ve set yourself up for this opportunity. Let me work the board and reward you for all of your hard work. You’ll go crazy sitting and waiting at the academy for the next two years. This could be the shot you need to prove how valuable you are to Starfleet. Kick start your career without wading through all that bureaucratic bullshit.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at how excited and animated he suddenly had become at the prospect of me joining the crew — his crew — of the Enterprise for this mission. It was awfully contagious. Granted the exhaustion from tonight's craziness was setting in, along with a splitting headache from what no doubt would be one of the worst hangovers I’d ever had. Not to mention my vision still wasn’t all too stable and the patio still seemed to have a bit of a spin to it.

Bringing a hand to my forehead, I gave my head a few shakes before responding to his bold, albeit over ambitious, plan.

“You are crazy, but I’ll be there at 9. I’ll be there. I may not be the most coherent considering how late it is now and the impending awfulness of this hangover, but I’ll be there. And I really hope you’re not sticking it out for me, I don’t want this to backfire and have you get in trouble all because of —”

“I won’t, and trouble is really just a part of who I am as a person at this point. It’s a fact of my life. It doesn’t scare me.”

Another laugh escaped my lips as I took in his face, now shining with something happier and brighter than the grim, contemplative man I’d come across when I'd first stumbled out onto the patio. If this whole scheme of his had any chance of succeeding, which meant keeping that electric look on his face for longer than our time together tonight, then I needed sleep. Quickly.

“I should really get back to my apartment to give this plan a chance in hell at being successful. Maybe a few hours of sleep will miraculously clear my head and body of any lingering effects of way, way too many drinks thanks to Urhura’s unique brand of peer pressure.”

He was on his feet quickly, offering me his hand with a smile that drew my attention to the bit of crusted blood dried around his nose. Not broken, but definitely badly, badly bruised. I took his hand gratefully as he hauled me up a bit too quickly. The world spun, causing me to misstep and stumble instead of regaining my balance. I found my hands pressed against his chest as he stepped forward to catch me before I could fall. Ever the opportunist, he took the chance to place his hands on either side of my face and place another smoldering kiss on my lips. Before I could fall into the trap of his heat again, I managed to pull away with a smile and laugh.

“Kiss a man once, and he becomes insatiable. If someone sees us, this whole plan is blown.”

With a begrudging "Mmmm," he slid his hands away from my face and replaced them harmlessly behind his back.

“Can I walk you home at least?”

“Something tells me that is definitely not a good idea. I’ll be okay on my own. I’m not far, which is good news for my feet in these ridiculous heels of Urhura's.”

“That explains why you’re dressed so exquisitely tonight. A little snazzier than your usual leather jacket and boots.”

I wound up to give him a playful slug on the arm, but rather than risk actually hurting him again, I settled for patting him on the shoulder.

“You’re lucky I feel bad for already making you bleed once tonight.”

“Thank you for sparing me — this will already be quite the look to sport to the very important board meeting tomorrow morning.”

He flashed me that huge, charming grin of his, and before I could make any rash decisions that would inevitably ruin any chance of his plan actually working, I smiled back and clasped my own hands together in front of myself.

“Goodnight, captain. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I leaned in to brush a soft kiss along his stubbled jaw, whispering a breathy “thank you” lightly in his ear before quickly turning around and heading for the patio stairs.

Resisting the rising urge to look back at him standing on the patio under the twinkling string lights in his worn leather jacket and well-fitted jeans was damn near impossible. Instead, I tried to focus on keeping one foot in front of the other in the damn death trap heels Uhura had insisted I wear. How the hell had I danced for hours in these things? My feet were throbbing after just having walked a few blocks.

The thoughts in my brain flowed relentlessly from one wonder to another. Did I really punch a Starfleet captain in the face? Did Jim and I just cross some threshold past friendship and into something more? Was that smart? Was it possible? Was I just really, really drunk? Was I a complete idiot for going along with his bold plan that had such a high chance of failure?

As my mind snapped back into reality from the whirlwind of thoughts swirling in my mind, I found myself approaching the end of an alley. What I hadn’t realized as I slowed my pace, a puzzled look crossing my face, was that a group of people had started following me during my aimless, drunken meandering.

I had become so engrossed in focusing on not toppling over in my shoes and worrying about everything that had just transpired in the past few hours, that I made a wrong turn on the way back to my apartment. In fact, I had gone several blocks past.

Now, coming to a stop just feet from the beige stone wall that created a dead end in front of me, I was the epitome of vulnerable, weak prey. My head was throbbing from the hangover brewing relentlessly in my gut. The ground wobbled beneath me as my vision played tricks on my eyes. In an attempt to gather myself, to find my center in the middle of an enormous shit storm of a situation, I took a deep breath through my nose and exhaled through my mouth as I turned on my too-high-of-heels to face the those who had followed me.

Two men were sauntering lazily towards me, spread out evenly to block my only exit, which was the way I had come from. They didn’t stop their approach. Bile pushed up into my esophagus. A way out. There had to be a way out. Stone walls rose to my right and left, too high to climb. A trash can and broken furniture were the only other inhabitants of the dead end, besides me and my queasy stomach.

If I could get to the broken furniture fast enough, I would have a weapon. Assuming my coordination and speed wouldn’t falter and fail due to the inebriation that wasn’t fading fast enough for me to evade this situation with my normal ease.

Each man was dressed in baggy black clothing, hoods up and over their heads. It was hard to tell in the early hours of the morning if their faces were actually covered with matching black masks or not. All I could see was the glints of their eyes in the useless twinkling lights of the sleeping city.

Of course the alley was conveniently dimly lit — had they herded me here? I could’ve sworn it was the only place in Yorktown that wasn’t alight with bright, artificial light. Anxiety reared up in my gut, and I fought back the urge to scream. It might provoke an attack that could easily be avoided.

Smart, Aria. Be smart. You’re battling too many disadvantages to make a careless mistake.

Their approach didn’t stop until I felt my back hit the cool stones of the alley’s end. The men closed in around me, forming a half circle just tight enough that it didn’t allow for the slightest gap for me to be able to slide through. Why had I not moved sooner? Was I spending that much time in my own head? Was my thinking that slow?

I spread my palms flat against the coolness of the stone, hoping it would help speed up the sobering process. It grounded me, pulling me back into my own body a bit more. My head still throbbed, my vision still blurred, my stomach still churned. Mustering up a steely gaze, I finally found my voice among the bile rising in my throat.

“Can I help you gentlemen with something?”

Laughs from both of them.

“As a matter of fact, you can. Just be still, be quiet, and take it. Help us with that, and this will be much, much easier for you.”

Vomit churned up in my gut, threatening to spill before me and reveal just how easy this would be for them. I swallowed back against it as hard as I could, and tried to turn all my shaking fear into shaking anger.

“Don’t touch me.”

The one who had spoken, the taller of the two, made a “tsk” noise before taking a few more steps towards me. All he had to do was reach out and his hands would be on me. Unfamiliar panic roiled around inside of me. I tried to remember how to analyze an opponent, how to identify weaknesses, how to move in unpredictable ways. But as my mind fumbled to grasp even the most basic defensive maneuvers, it was too late.

“Wrong answer.”

And then he was swinging. I managed to duck under the first punch thrown expertly at my head, but at the cost of losing my balance. Just one swing and I was already stumbling to stay on my feet in the high heels that I struggled to simply stand in.

I caught my balance, righting myself just as the other man closed in from behind me. Punches and kicks were being thrown from too many directions. I tried to block, tried to fight back, tried to land punches. I tried to scream, tried to find all those skills within myself that I had mastered over the years. But the alcohol, the tiredness, the distractions — it had all defeated me before I even had a chance of defending myself.

Hands grabbed at my hair, my dress, my limbs. I found myself trying to curl up into a ball, trying to protect my head with my hands as best as I could.

I was in the position of defeat. Of knowing what was going to come next. Of knowing that there was nothing I could do to get this to stop. I gulped down as much air as possible to fight against the seizing of my body from the panic attack rolling through me.

All I could think of was that empty, barely lived in apartment. Of the man there now who was wishing he could’ve walked me home. And now, I was wishing the same thing. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the horror of the situation as the blows rained down on me. If only I would’ve stayed with him. If only I would’ve taken a risk. Instead, I found myself gasping for breath in a dead-end alley where I may very well end up left for dead.

Just as I was trying to find my voice to plead with them to stop, a blow connected firmly to the side of my head. And just like that, all the pain and panic was muted. Darkness closed in on my vision as I tried to think about how incredible I had felt just mere minutes ago. How much safer I had felt in his company. How great it had felt to talk, to laugh, to begin to hope.

Blackness mercifully took me, and the last sound swimming in my skull was of that old-fashioned music Jim had played that night six months ago in his dark, quiet apartment. I hoped. I prayed to gods I didn’t believe in. Please wake up there. Wake up there, let this be a nightmare. Please, please wake up there.

Searing, blinding pain had me gasping awake into the too-bright beams of Yorktown’s rising sun. Every inch of my body roared with aches and burning pain. I was laying at an awkward angle that caused even more agony to shoot through the core of my being.

Eyes. I needed to get my eyes open and figure out where I was. With an excruciating amount of effort, I managed to crack one open. — the one eye that wasn’t swollen completely shut. After a few difficult blinks, I managed to focus on my surroundings. Alley. The alley. Where two men had cornered me. My breathing grew faster as air rushed through my open lips that burned with pain. Split, no doubt. Crusted with blood from the taste of it.

I turned my head against shooting pain and realized quickly that I was heaped into the pile of broken furniture that I had noticed when I thought I had a chance at escaping. With trembling hands that no doubt had a few broken fingers, I fumbled for the watch on my left wrist. Still there. They hadn’t been interested in robbing me. My stomach lurched with bile at the realization of what had happened last night. I managed to push the side button of my watch to read the time, weather and other useless information I didn’t need right now.

As it read off “9:02 a.m.” , I simultaneously retched up whatever was left in my stomach from last night. The meeting. Accompanying the crew of the Enterprise on its mission. Today. Jim had said to be there at 9 a.m. sharp, if not a little early. He was going to vouch for me to come with on their mission aboard the Enterprise. To train in space. With several heaving breaths, I managed to roll myself out of the pile of furniture and into the alley.

I scrambled up onto all fours as my bloodied, bruised and aching limbs burned horribly. I tried pitifully to get myself upright. With a few stumbles and using the wall for support, I managed to get myself up onto my own two feet — feet that were bare. I didn’t bother searching for those damn high heels.

With a few gulps of air and simultaneously rubbing my temples, I started off at a brisk, limping walk down the alley. Thank whatever higher being that I was still alive, and it was early on a Saturday. The streets were mostly empty as I hobbled my broken and bloody body towards the grand lecture hall of the academy. A few people were out milling around, and their gasps and exclamations of shock didn’t register with my brain.

I waved people off who tried to approach me, tried to help me. I just hobbled faster, trying to get to the academy as quickly as possible. Fortunately for me and my body that seemed to be on the verge of shutting down with each passing second, I was close. Very close.

All I had to do was round two blocks and drag myself up a few flights of stairs before I was limping towards the massive double doors of the hall. More people gasping. More people trying to help me. I waved them all off, some more insistent than others. I thought I had heard someone say something about going to get help. Or maybe they just said that I needed help. It didn’t matter.

The doors appeared before me, and I put what little weight and energy I could muster into pushing one open. Whatever conversation had been going on, whatever had been occurring before I stepped into the hall, it slowly came to a stop when I staggered through the doors and into the brightly lit auditorium streaked with morning sunshine.

A voice was speaking above the murmurs and whispers. A voice that had laughed with me, been honest with me, enlightened me. But as the quiet interruptions morphed into gasps, the familiar voice stopped mid sentence.

“I understand that the board would like to meet the cadet I’m speaking of, and they were supposed to be —”

His voice cut off sharply, and the entire room fell silent.

I could feel eyes, dozens and dozens of eyes on me as I limped across the overly-polished tile floor to where a podium stood before a panel of very sharply dressed academy officials. Jim started to move towards me, horror drawn across his features, but I held up a battered hand in his direction. His nose was badly bruised from last night. I wonder if that had already been addressed.

It was as I held up my hand that I noticed how my fingers were pointing in directions that were gruesomely unnatural. I stared at my hand in horror for a moment before regaining what little composure I had left to muster.

He stopped moving, jaw hanging open as he took me in, his complexion paling. One of the members of the board spoke first, breaking the heavy silence that weighed down on the room just as heavily as my own shame and defeat.

“Who is this woman, Captain?”

A few more moments of silence passed before Jim’s voice cut through it, somehow managing to relax me a little bit through all the throbs and shooting pain.

“This is, this is the cadet who I was seeking special permission to join the crew on the Enterprise for the mission leaving today, sir.”

I found balance on my two feet, although I couldn’t eliminate my swaying from foot to foot. I attempted to find my height, to stand up straight. I lifted my chin, squared my shoulders. I faced the full force of the firing squad of the board of the academy with the little dignity I had left. Even though all I wanted to do was collapse. Cry. Cower away from everyone, from the world.

“This is the cadet, Captain? Are you sure you’re willing to stake your reputation on vouching for this person who appears to be within an inch of passing into unconsciousness at any moment? I’m fairly sure we can smell every drop of alcohol on her and what would seem to be urine.”

Jim was quick to respond, his voice growing more firm and louder than the man who had just spoken.

“I assure you, sir, that this cadet will be an impactful and much needed addition to the crew of the Enterprise. I will personally see to it that her studies are being carried out and appropriately tested during our mission, and that she contributes to the success and furthering of the Federation’s goals to explore deep space.”

Silence. Unwavering silence. Darkness was gathering around the edges of my vision. I was losing the fight to stay on my own two feet. But I kept my spine straight as I began to waver. Kept my chin up as I waited to hear their decision. My body trembled with all the exertion it took to keep myself upright. I clenched my fists as hard as I could manage to ground myself in more pain.

With a sigh, one of the board members leaned forward to their microphone and delivered their verdict.

“On your word and reputation, captain, we grant your request to have this cadet accompany you and your crew on your mission into deep space. Any problems that arise will fall directly on your shoulders, is that understood captain?”

“Yes sir. Understood.”

“Very well. Please complete the required documentation and return it to the appropriate office at the day’s end via electronic coms from the Enterprise. Meeting adjourned.”

As the sound of people’s murmurs and shuffling of standing began to fill my ears, my vision faded into complete blackness. My knees buckled as the words “Thank you for your consideration” left my cracked and swollen lips in an inaudible whisper.